Wife work backfire

[Quittingwifework]

Just wanted to rant really/to get any advice on how to not let this stuff bother me - I care way too much about what people think.

DH and I have been married very happily for 7 years. His mother has been a nightmare but he’s always supported me, as she’s been so obviously nasty that it’s been quite easy to “take sides”.

Anyway, DH is brilliant but he works long hours, I’m a SAHM and as is quite typical i think, I’ve always been a bit like a PA for him, including with his family. So every meet up I’ve arranged, every Mother’s Day gift etc I’ve organised, every thank you video from children - that’s been me.

Anyway, I’m now NC with MIL because she finally went too far in her words towards me. DH supports this. What it means, however, is that I’ve stopped doing literally everything I used to do. I told DH this would include buying gifts etc and he would need to take this on or not bother - absolutely his choice. Obviously being DH this means he’s forgotten/hasn’t bothered for Mother’s Day, birthdays etc. I did what I said I wouldn’t and even reminded him it was her birthday so he could text or call/but I doubt he remembered to.

Sorry for how long this is. The point is the rest of his family are now starting to act in a way which makes it clear they’ve misunderstood and basically think now I’ve fallen out with MIL, I’m stopping him doing all this stuff, as if he was doing it! I’ve done the same stuff with his aunt who I love over 7 years and suddenly she’s started a group chat and inserted him in as though I can’t be trusted. He obviously didn’t even reply on the group chat despite my asking him repeatedly to.

I’m starting to think I can’t be bothered maintaining any of these relationships, if after 7 years people can’t give me the benefit of the doubt and understand it’s me doing all the nice stuff, and I would certainly never stop DH from doing anything.

it’s just upsetting to have put so much effort in and suddenly I am the bad guy!

Your DH may be quite happy that it seems to have panned out as low contact with his mother without him having to make an active decision!

He needs to sort this out and clarify with any of his wider family members you both would like to stay in contact with. He really should, as IMO it's good for kids to have a bit of wider family if possible (if they're nice, better off without the toxic MiL from the sound of it).

Your mistake was to do all that stuff to start with. But yes, your DH needs to sort it.

You're the meat shield.

You 'd'h hasn't bothered to tell his wider family because he probably thinks he'll get shit for it so it's easier for him not to say anything and let you take the flack.

You have two options really.

1. You tell dh to sort it out by telling the group chat what is going on or you will and that won't be pretty. or
2. You sort it out anyway and tell the group chat.

Either way you should go no contact with them all as they sound like a bunch of horrible nasty people. Leave the group chat too.

I would speak to the aunt and explain that you are very happy for him to send cards and see MIL and in fact you remind him but he is too lazy to bother.

Exactly. This is like some kind of primer as to why becoming a SAHM is always always a disastrous idea, quite apart from cutting yourself off from an independent income and work life.

The thing is DH just doesn’t care about maintaining family relations - he isn’t bothered at all about them/he would never reach out but is happy to be in contact if that makes sense? He’s pretty well known amongst his friends for being like this too, it’s just how he is. So none of this phases him
in the least, he doesn’t want to message on the group chat or get involved in some conversations which might lead to drama or dispute.

I would like to explain to his aunt it’s just awkward as she’s not said anything outright I can just tell from various things/don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable I just think it’s unfair.

and yes, lesson learnt re having done this stuff in the first place!

Agree to disagree on that one

Honestly who cares what they think. Toxic families need a villain, being a villain is a worthwhile price for peace. You cannot control how the people see you. If it wasn’t this stuff they would find something else. Stop giving them any headspace.

Would you just stop doing stuff for the aunt ? I like her very much as I said but I feel now she’s trying to involve DH in the mix I don’t see why I should be doing any of thing - or is that petty?

thank you this is correct tbh I am just terrible
at not letting things bother me

For fucks sake, being a SAHM doesn’t mean you’re his personal assistant. You’re looking after his children and h house, the least he can do is fucking look after himself.

Don’t do anything. You shouldn’t have done it in the first place. If anyone is bold enough to actually comment to your face, you say that DH is a very successful man, brilliant, intelligent. He is more than capable of setting a reminder in his phone to send a card and present, it’s his lack of engagement as to why he isn’t.

I don’t think your DH is that brilliant though. It just seems like he has no interest in his family and was happy for you to be the reason to distance himself. He’s not supporting you if he won’t put a simple message in his family’s group chat explaining he’s an adult and perfectly capable of sending a card/gift but didn’t because he forgot or because MIL has been horrible to you. He obviously didn’t even reply on the group chat despite my asking him repeatedly to. He knows this has upset you, you have asked him repeatedly to send a message and he still can’t be bothered. It doesn’t actually sound like he cares much about anyone but himself if he can’t be bothered to keep any relationship going. So accept you’ll do all the work and get none of the praise, you won’t get him standing up for you or do none of the work he still won’t stand up for you so you might as well just not care.

100% understand why it reads and looks like this but it’s not it. He is genuinely such a caring and kind man. He does so much for me, for our children and actually he has a lot of interaction with my family (which actually does make me think, having read your post).

the group chat is just his aunt, him and me. Which is why it strange after 7 years she set it up - as if I can’t be trusted suddenly.

I think perhaps he just isn’t engaged and doesn’t really care and I have been the one doing the work all these years as I thought it was the nice thing to do, but it’s actually just set up unrealistic expectations about him/his level of care. It’s just a bit awkward to suddenly stop now!

maybe I could ask him to explain to his aunt but then they would probably think I’ve made him 😀

Meet up and TALK to the aunt.

Tell her how much you like her and how disappointed you are in DH's attitude to his family.

I made it clear to DH family that birthdays etc are on him for his family. He's crap and SIL had a go about me not bothering but it was fine for her not bother me??? MIL did point out to her it wasn't my job.

I remind him about birthdays if I remember, it's taken him 20 years to remember accurately mine tbf 😂

After some shitty treatment from DH family I completely dropped the rope, he has to make ALL arrangements and I only help if he asks me to - for example he might ask me to help choose flowers for Mothers Day as I have a better idea what MIL might like and thenhe sorts it out.
If he hadn't stepped up it wouldn't happen and I would be ok with that, its nothing to do with me. DH also has an Aunt that I still get on well with but I include her in the "you deal with it DH".
The problem OP is that you still care what they think about you, stop that and it will get a lot easier. You don't have to fall out with anyone just stop doing anything and any messages etc that come your way you refer to DH

Thank you - will
follow your lead here!

Pleased your MIL saw it wasn’t your job! I think it would be easier if someone tried to directly say something so I could explain!

the group chat is just his aunt, him and me. Which is why it strange after 7 years she set it up - as if I can’t be trusted suddenly.

You may be entirely wrong about her motivation! I'd have thought perhaps more like she's aware of the rift between you/your DH and his mother, but she wants to stay in touch with you and your children, wants to stay in touch with him too despite his lax attitude and this is the obvious way. I'd see it more as a hand of continuing friendship.

What were you doing for the aunt? And why? You ask if you should stop doing it, but I don't know what it is.

I would have a quiet word with someone and say that you've been doing the PA role and you've decided not to do it anymore.

But if they don't take it on board, there's nothing you can do about it.

You mention that your DH doesn't want to be involved with his family. Do you want to be involved with his family? If not - then it's all okay isn't it?

I think you are over thinking this OP.
You can have relationships on your own terms. If you like his Aunt why can’t you have a relationship with her ?
I don’t see why you are being so offended by her adding your H to a group chat, she’s trying to keep in touch what’s so strange about that?

But why would the aunt suddenly want to have a group chat? For 7 years she and I have just messaged directly. I’ve been the one to organise all the meet ups, sort out everything re the children and presents etc I don’t understand the sudden need to involve DH, if not for a lack of trust in me.

I should say that she and her sister did not speak for over a decade. She was perfectly happy to come along to my children’s parties etc but suddenly this year she’s not able to attend any, presumably because MIL is not invited (and she is back in touch with MIL now, ironically actually via my own efforts which have been downplayed/lied about to the whole extended family).

But why would the aunt suddenly want to have a group chat? For 7 years she and I have just messaged directly. I’ve been the one to organise all the meet ups, sort out everything re the children and presents etc I don’t understand the sudden need to involve DH, if not for a lack of trust in me.

Because she belatedly realises he should be more involved in maintaining contact with his family!

What makes you think his whole family now think you won't let him buy his Mum a birthday present?

I don't get how they are misunderstanding about you falling out with your MIL? From how you describe it, you have fallen out with her, to the extent that you are NC. How are they misunderstanding that?
It is what it is, it's just as likely they will think he has fallen out with her too, which is why nothing is coming from him.
They will think what they will. If they directly ask you, you can put them straight.

And if they think he has fallen out with her, the group chat is likely a way to maintain contact with him. I think you might be guilty of demonising the aunt here, in just the same way you are saying you feel has been done to you.

Because they are very non-confrontational people who don’t want to have difficult conversations. DH tried to explain the fall out to his aunt several months ago and her response was very much “why can’t people
get along?”

his mother had sent him a number of messages in the time around the fall out blaming me for a number of things which literally have nothing to do with me, but are to do with him not bothering to go to lunch with her etc. it’s all my fault, apparently.