Wife work backfire

[Quittingwifework]

Just wanted to rant really/to get any advice on how to not let this stuff bother me - I care way too much about what people think.

DH and I have been married very happily for 7 years. His mother has been a nightmare but he’s always supported me, as she’s been so obviously nasty that it’s been quite easy to “take sides”.

Anyway, DH is brilliant but he works long hours, I’m a SAHM and as is quite typical i think, I’ve always been a bit like a PA for him, including with his family. So every meet up I’ve arranged, every Mother’s Day gift etc I’ve organised, every thank you video from children - that’s been me.

Anyway, I’m now NC with MIL because she finally went too far in her words towards me. DH supports this. What it means, however, is that I’ve stopped doing literally everything I used to do. I told DH this would include buying gifts etc and he would need to take this on or not bother - absolutely his choice. Obviously being DH this means he’s forgotten/hasn’t bothered for Mother’s Day, birthdays etc. I did what I said I wouldn’t and even reminded him it was her birthday so he could text or call/but I doubt he remembered to.

Sorry for how long this is. The point is the rest of his family are now starting to act in a way which makes it clear they’ve misunderstood and basically think now I’ve fallen out with MIL, I’m stopping him doing all this stuff, as if he was doing it! I’ve done the same stuff with his aunt who I love over 7 years and suddenly she’s started a group chat and inserted him in as though I can’t be trusted. He obviously didn’t even reply on the group chat despite my asking him repeatedly to.

I’m starting to think I can’t be bothered maintaining any of these relationships, if after 7 years people can’t give me the benefit of the doubt and understand it’s me doing all the nice stuff, and I would certainly never stop DH from doing anything.

it’s just upsetting to have put so much effort in and suddenly I am the bad guy!

Crazy statement being a SAHM is the best thing we can do for our kids.

So would i. Explain it was you who always made the effort but since you have fallen out with her, all you do now is remind DH and it is now up to him to act on your reminders or forget. But under no circumstances would you ever prevent him from showing affection to his own mother or remembering her on important days. And yes, please put it in the chat where he can see it.

Sounds Narcissistic with flying monkeys to me. I think she probably gets a control kick out of upsetting you as she knows that will result in you nagging hubby which she thinks will make him see you in a different light. Best thing I did with mil was ignore it - on ine ocassion she did ask me what I did all day I just smiled/shock and hubby put her back in her place she apologised. Don't let it become a on going wedge either be in contact or don't but don't talk it over and over. Yes sadly you do need to grow a thick skin and do what's right by you.

the group chat is just his aunt, him and me. Which is why it strange after 7 years she set it up - as if I can’t be trusted suddenly.

FFS why not just tell the aunt on the group chat (which is not much of a group if it’s just the three of you!) that you have stopped organising stuff for everyone due to ongoing issues with MIL and DH can’t be bothered to do it himself.

It’s the truth, it isn’t broadcasting it to the whole family and if the aunt knows the MIL and your DH she will understand. Her response will indicate what you should do next (stay in contact with her or follow your DH and don’t bother with any of them).

I think the fact that you respond to the aunt and husband doesn’t, ironically demonstrates that he’s the one who can’t be bothered.

I’d continue to behave as before with the aunt.

Yes I went through something similar. I took on the cards/gift buying for years, until my husband and his family stopped buying cards for me. I felt a mug sending all these lovely cards, yet not to recieve one back for 3 years. I told him he was now responsible for his side's cards, and I would do my side. It was wonderful not having to do it any more! However they were annoyed at the lack of cards and started excluding me from things. Which back fired because he wouldnt go to a social event without me! At the time it was upsetting, but looking back it was a blessing in disguise! I'm very happy now.

OP, I'm NC with my mother.

I've been excommunicated by everyone I've ever known through my family as a result.

I'm definitely the villain. Except that the reasons for us going NC are entirely her fault and as a result of her choices (goes far beyond being a bit unkind to me). I sometimes fantasise about the day I'll be able to tell people the truth but what's the point? Tbh, they'd find it hard to believe anyway beyond its so far beyond the realms of what most people would do that it's pretty much incomprehensible.

Being considered the villain is a small price to pay for not having her in my life anymore.

Yeah they don't sound like they are worth the bother but he does need to step in and explain what has happened once and for all. He needs to fully explain that you were the one making the effort and reminding and present buying and since XYZ was said you have stopped and unfortunately his memory and present buying ability isn't as good. He doesn't mean to offend but this is the situation. Doesn't mean he doesn't love them etc.

Yikes that family is a bit of a drama central. No wonder your husband keeps contact low with them. Even if you explain everything to them they will still choose to blame you. So it is a lose lose

I think before you do anything, give yourself some time to be angry about it. It is unfair, really unfair given all the effort but it was NEVER going to be enough.

When you have dealt your feelings and had a good cry about it, spent time with people who love you and feel better about yourself- then have a think about any further contact.

I would just use the group chat as you previously did the DMs with the aunt. 'Hey, auntie X, fancy tea next week? DH will be able to pop in for the last hour after work'

She may simply think it's a good idea that DH is in the loop on conversations too. Or she may mean something by it. Doesn't really matter either way, just act as if you have barely noticed the change.

Just to switch it, aunt might have clocked that your husband isn’t pulling his weight and adding him to the chat is a way of encouraging him to step up.

Your husbands family need it accept he can't be arsed with them. End of.

Thanks everyone for the input - it’s really appreciated x

We had the exact same. I could have written this. DH’s cousin even sat me down and gave me a lecture about how it was important that I didn’t come in between a mother and son, and it was unfair to stop her seeing her grandchildren. Once I pointed out that actually it might be quite nice for me for DH to take them to see her and give me a few hours break, but that he just didn’t want to, it seemed to make her think.

I’m in reverse.

My DH is rubbish at making plans remembering birthdays etc. I sometimes remind him etc. he’s also not great at making plans. When we were visiting my friend who lives in same town as his family I suggested we pop in for coffee with his family. His sister then accused me of getting involved with organising his family and it wasn’t my place to do so.

so I stepped back. his family would ask to meet and we never could as they were alway last minute and I plan sometimes months in advance. Result we never saw his family. I was made out to be the villain.

In the past few months his sister has suddenly realised I’m the planner and now contacts me to arrange seeing each other.

I’m pleased that you at least were accused (!) directly so you could respond. It’s honestly such a load of bollocks. DH will go and see MIL with the children on Father’s Day and it’s up to her if she wants to ask why he didn’t acknowledge her birthday, but she won’t because this family don’t say things unless in some sort of mental rage, apparently. Either way, I love when he goes to see her as I book a massage and have child free time as you say 😃 hope you get to do the same regularly! It’s certainly a benefit of a fall out!

this whole thread has made me think - my brother messaged me today to ask about DC birthday presents and I did think how nice it is that he actually sorts them out himself/shows an active interest.

Ha, well yes, I’m sure his sister has learnt to appreciate you now!

Something similar happened to me OP but with SIL. I used to do all the gifts for DN’s - but SIL went too far with her treatment of me (because I’d had the audacity to marry her brother after being together for 7 years) and she said she didn’t want me to have a relationship with her or her kids. I’ve now gone NC and will not buy for her kids. DH is crap with gifts and it has been noticed that they are not as good gifts as they used to and of course the reason for that is me controlling DH’s spending!
basically if DH does something that she doesn’t like then it’s me manipulating him! It can be anything from his hobbies to how often he phones her.

as pp said every toxic family needs a scapegoat and unfortunately it’s you in yours in-laws family. Only thing I can think of is for your DH to stand up to his family and say it was him that forgot DM’s birthday and he’s sorry and then to tell them all that they need to stop blaming you for errors he made.

Good for you for going NC - wtf is wrong with people. SIL sounds unhinged and lol that they’ve noticed presents are now subpar.

of course, controlling DP spending 🤣 what are they like?!

"The point is the rest of his family are now starting to act in a way which makes it clear they’ve misunderstood and basically think now I’ve fallen out with MIL"

But you have fallen out with her. So why not explain to them why that's happened.

Why don't you invite her over for a family lunch and all of you talk about it?

But you’ve left of the second half of the sentence which is the issue “now I’ve fallen out with MIL, I’m stopping him doing all this stuff, as if he was doing it.”

that’s the issue. Not that I’ve fallen out with her.

She’s just not someone who is going to want to have a conversation about it. But we will have to find a way to casually mention it - and there have been some great suggestions on this thread too, about making it clear DH is now in charge of this stuff and not very good at it!

there was a great thread on AIBU this week about wife work and most people seemed to agree women shouldn’t just automatically bear the brunt of wife work.

I used to send a close childhood friend a heartfelt happy birthday message every year, and for her milestone birthday I got her 4 train tickets to visit her family in another part of the UK (£250 total) despite the fact she got me absolutely nothing for my milestone birthday the year before (she said she was extremely homesick and I asked her if she’d like the tickets as a present before I transferred the money so it wasn’t an unwanted gift or trip I imposed on her ) .

She also forgot my birthday a lot , so many years in a row I wouldn’t even get a text. She kept saying she couldn’t help it and her memory was bad etc but she remembered whose birthdays she wanted to.

My next milestone birthday we were still friends and she send me a one line happy birthday text, like I was just a vague acquaintance. Don’t think she even acknowledged it was a milestone birthday.

I learnt my lesson and one year later when it was her next milestone birthday I paid her dust as well! Felt like such a mug for all the previous years but very glad that won’t be happening again.

She’s barely said a word to me since her last milestone birthday. I can see she’s not happy about it. She probably expected another big present again despite her never getting me anything! It’s funny when people don’t like getting a taste of their own medicine.

She doesn’t sound like a friend at all; you haven’t missed out on much if she doesn’t speak to you again