Wife work backfire

[Quittingwifework]

Just wanted to rant really/to get any advice on how to not let this stuff bother me - I care way too much about what people think.

DH and I have been married very happily for 7 years. His mother has been a nightmare but he’s always supported me, as she’s been so obviously nasty that it’s been quite easy to “take sides”.

Anyway, DH is brilliant but he works long hours, I’m a SAHM and as is quite typical i think, I’ve always been a bit like a PA for him, including with his family. So every meet up I’ve arranged, every Mother’s Day gift etc I’ve organised, every thank you video from children - that’s been me.

Anyway, I’m now NC with MIL because she finally went too far in her words towards me. DH supports this. What it means, however, is that I’ve stopped doing literally everything I used to do. I told DH this would include buying gifts etc and he would need to take this on or not bother - absolutely his choice. Obviously being DH this means he’s forgotten/hasn’t bothered for Mother’s Day, birthdays etc. I did what I said I wouldn’t and even reminded him it was her birthday so he could text or call/but I doubt he remembered to.

Sorry for how long this is. The point is the rest of his family are now starting to act in a way which makes it clear they’ve misunderstood and basically think now I’ve fallen out with MIL, I’m stopping him doing all this stuff, as if he was doing it! I’ve done the same stuff with his aunt who I love over 7 years and suddenly she’s started a group chat and inserted him in as though I can’t be trusted. He obviously didn’t even reply on the group chat despite my asking him repeatedly to.

I’m starting to think I can’t be bothered maintaining any of these relationships, if after 7 years people can’t give me the benefit of the doubt and understand it’s me doing all the nice stuff, and I would certainly never stop DH from doing anything.

it’s just upsetting to have put so much effort in and suddenly I am the bad guy!

@Quittingwifework

Thanks, yeah - I’m actually mostly relieved not to hear from her because she’d trauma dump very frequently. It was a very one-sided friendship in many ways.

Anyway you’re not missing out with any of your in-laws either if they choose to pin the blame on you! It shouldn’t be that much of a mystery to them that your husband isn’t that bothered with his mum when she didn’t even show up for his wedding and then after being lucky enough to be forgiven by you both, she’s gone and verbally attacked you.

There’s nothing worse than having people around who are secretly harbouring ill-feeling towards you so she done you a favour by letting the mask drop and reminding you of who she really is!

This is how I interpreted her group chat too.

Maybe the aunt just learned how to do group chats or maybe she thought it would be nice for the three of you to chat occasionally that does not mean she would not still want to message you individually. I really think you are reading too much into this.
Why not drop her an individual message and tell her how you are feeling.

That's very true. Nice people want to do something nice for a cherished one. But we also allow ourselves to be taken advantage of. The fact they get upset when we merely do the same thing as them, is very telling isn't it?! I'm glad you've stopped.

If the family is treating you like this, then it possibly explains why your DH isn't making an effort with them.

It's telling that he used to regularly meet up with his mother, was thoughtful and caring towards her, and then stepped back after your wedding. The fact that he's a good and caring DH to you, but doesn't give his other family members the same treatment.

I don't think this is a classic example of 'oh he's always been rubbish at this kind of thing', but more a case of relationships having broken/faded away and he doesn't feel inclined to make the effort for people who cause his DW (and himself) upset.

I think you need to care less about their opinion - your DH can decide whether he wants to continue making an effort with them, but that shouldn't be only to protect your image. Honestly, the opinion of nasty people like your MIL is utterly worthless.

@Beautiful3 Exactly, it’s very telling indeed!

I actually take some accountability for the dynamics of the friendship as I enabled it, and had to do some inner work to figure out why I did so. But we live and learn.

I'm glad you've stopped.

Thanks me too! Glad you stopped buying the cards for your husbands family too. They clearly don’t tasting their own medicine lol

The aunt has included your DH on the chat after seven years of it being just you and her.
It's obvious.
She's the go between to pass news to MIL.

Sorry if this has been said already on this thread

Re: the aunt, I do think this is a MIL issue rather than a you issue. She knows how prickly her sister is and is probably trying to avoid triggering any drama by hiding how close she has been with you and your family over the years. Of course that is disrespectful towards you, but with you being the gentler person, it is easier to do something against you because you're not going to make a fuss.

This is a blessing really, because it sounds like it is the final straw. Honestly, you will feel so much better when you stop putting in effort to please people who will never appreciate it.

Obviously being DH this means he’s forgotten/hasn’t bothered for Mother’s Day, birthdays etc. I did what I said I wouldn’t and even reminded him it was her birthday so he could text or call/but I doubt he remembered to.

• *You have learnt that your DH isn't the card and present sending type where his family are concerned. Your MIL has surely known this herself long before you entered his life. We watch our children grow into adults and we know them well. It may suit her to blame you but you may find it helpful to remind yourself that she has known him as a non present giver. The anomaly would be a sudden presence of gifts and cards when you started doing it. She knows it's not you stopping him, he wasn't one for that type of thing anyway. Unless I have missed a post where he was good at family attention before you took over.

Yes I'm an idiot and despite reading all the OP posts I did missthe part where he was once good at gifts and meet ups for his mother.
Very sorry, ignore me, I'm taking retirement from the Internet. * *

Honestly, I think if you're going to back away, which you were right to do, you need to do it properly.

No reminding, and most importantly, NO CARING or second guessing yourself. You do you, as they say. Let all the other stuff wash over you.

Your last line really struck a cord with me. That's how I feel about my own mother. Detachment but able to go through the motions and it is definitely self preservation.

I cannot believe she did not attend your wedding. I am very protective over my children as most people are, but if my son was marrying someone I didn't like, even if I had good reason not to like them (which doesn't sound the case hear may I add), I would NEVER not attend a special event that was so important to him. Even if I didn't feel it internally, I would make sure I had the biggest smile and support them because it is about him and what makes him happy.

There is no wonder he doesn't bother with her but does bother with your family. I feel sad for him. He must have felt so hurt his own Mum would do that. Don;t give a seconds thought to what any of them think. Re. the aunt, if she is really lovely I don't see why you shouldn't just talk on the group chat normally. MIL sounds like a such a toxic person people probably tip toe around not setting her off and being the target. If the aunt wanted nothing to do with you she would contact DH directly and there would be no group chat.

I know it's hard when you feel you're being made out to be the villain. I have been there and still it bothers me at times, but honestly there is not a thing you can do. The toxic ones won't even care if you explain, you'll still be blamed. The nice ones will already know it's not you.

I still cannot get over her not going to the wedding. You are both better off without her. As are your children as if this is the way she is, they'll become targets when they're old enough and do something she doesn't agree with.

You can be a SAHM without doing all that shit for your husband.

I would just drop the rope and heave a huge sigh of relief. They sound barking mad and you have clung on far longer than 90% of us on here I imagine. The not turning up to the wedding would have been block and delete time for me, especially as it hurt DH so much.

OP somehow innocently drop the link to this thread on your social media - facebook, and even 'accidentally' in chat. You can later make up an excuse for it, but at least it will get them reflecting.

(Yes, yes I know some may come on here saying don't do it, but what do you have to lose? What other way do you have of defending yourself/setting the record straight)

I'd hate it if my DiLs bought cards on behalf of my sons. I'd rather not get one at all TBH. Not because I've got anything against them but just because I'd feel a bit patronised as if my own children couldn't be bothered so they're having to cover up for them. I'd rather know so that I could say something to them if I thought that was the right course of action. I certainly wouldn't be having a go at the DiLs - I didn't bring either of them up so why should they buy me Mother's Day cards!

Maybe get a job then you won’t have time to worry about this shit

Don’t be ridiculous. I have a job and I still worry about family relations,

Please don’t speak for everyone. It’s not a disastrous idea if you have married an adult who can handle his part of parenting.

You have children.

How are you making sure they know that each of them share responsibility for their relationships with their parents?

Will your sons grow up assuming it's their wife's work?
Will your daughters take it on for their partner?

I gave this back to my husband some years ago. He always did gifts, but the planning of visits and chatting between times was on me.

I only have sons. I really hope they stay in touch as they leave home!

If I have time to worry about it with 4 children under 6, I would have to worry about it with a job 🤣

thank you so much everyone, for listening and advising and also sharing your own stories. I will find a way to bring it up next time I see the aunt, and I will stop doing anything and, more importantly, stop caring about it!

MIL is a piece of work, but that’s not my problem!

Sounds like the right approach, yay!

Sorry I haven’t rtft yet but I did all this crap (not a SAHM) - I just think it’s something that some of us get pulled into without quite realising the emotional and practical implications. In my experience is not about them and you, this is about your husband and you are just an enabler.

I have learned not to be drawn into any of this (with the exception of family illness when it has happened). I am polite but put my boundaries in. I can’t fix my mother in law’s relationship with my husband. I can’t make up for my husband’s poor relationship with his family or the general apathy, legacy issues and bad communication. I’ll make myself feel worse without fixing anything. If you can, just disengage.

When relations between a son and his family break down the blame is invariably placed on the nearest woman: DiL. This is more convenient for parents-in-law than the potentially painful exercise of examining themselves, their own son, and any issues within that relationship. Why bother, when all this is easily avoided by laying full responsibility at the door of a woman?

The frequency of this scenario is borne out by the number of threads testifying to it on MN alone.

This alone is good enough reason to stop doing the wifework. They blame you when you don't do it and resent you when you do. There's absolutely nothing in this for you. Why bother?

2 things:
1, explain very clearly and repeatedly to your husband, that you would like your children to have a good relationship with the extended family, and part of that means pulling his finger out and sending nice cards and gifts.
Took my partner about 10 years of nagging (which is far too long). He used to say things like "they're used to not getting anything from me", "I don't think material things are important" etc, It didn't penetrate his mindset when I explained to him how it reflected badly on me, and they really would like a gift, and furthermore expected a gift now he was in a long term relationship (sexist gender roles anyone?!), but it only worked when I asked him if he liked getting presents from his family and how he would feel if he didn't get any...? Honestly, a child-man. He has evolved somewhat since, thank f.
Secondly, is it possible that you've misinterpreted the aunt's intention in setting up the WhatsApp group? Sounds like a much more egalitarian way to communicate family stuff to the both of you. Perhaps she recognises that your DH needs to step up, and that's the reason. Not because she mistrusts you? Try to give her the benefit of the doubt, she is not the same person as your MIL.