Wife work backfire

[Quittingwifework]

Just wanted to rant really/to get any advice on how to not let this stuff bother me - I care way too much about what people think.

DH and I have been married very happily for 7 years. His mother has been a nightmare but he’s always supported me, as she’s been so obviously nasty that it’s been quite easy to “take sides”.

Anyway, DH is brilliant but he works long hours, I’m a SAHM and as is quite typical i think, I’ve always been a bit like a PA for him, including with his family. So every meet up I’ve arranged, every Mother’s Day gift etc I’ve organised, every thank you video from children - that’s been me.

Anyway, I’m now NC with MIL because she finally went too far in her words towards me. DH supports this. What it means, however, is that I’ve stopped doing literally everything I used to do. I told DH this would include buying gifts etc and he would need to take this on or not bother - absolutely his choice. Obviously being DH this means he’s forgotten/hasn’t bothered for Mother’s Day, birthdays etc. I did what I said I wouldn’t and even reminded him it was her birthday so he could text or call/but I doubt he remembered to.

Sorry for how long this is. The point is the rest of his family are now starting to act in a way which makes it clear they’ve misunderstood and basically think now I’ve fallen out with MIL, I’m stopping him doing all this stuff, as if he was doing it! I’ve done the same stuff with his aunt who I love over 7 years and suddenly she’s started a group chat and inserted him in as though I can’t be trusted. He obviously didn’t even reply on the group chat despite my asking him repeatedly to.

I’m starting to think I can’t be bothered maintaining any of these relationships, if after 7 years people can’t give me the benefit of the doubt and understand it’s me doing all the nice stuff, and I would certainly never stop DH from doing anything.

it’s just upsetting to have put so much effort in and suddenly I am the bad guy!

This would be lovely actually

Yes, this is a good point. I suspect I’m just sensitive to the situation as she suddenly back in contact with MIL and therefore will be listening to all her poison about me. I would hope she would know me (and MIL!) well enough to sort of understand, but I can’t help but feel that it’s no coincidence that this is the year she is suddenly not able to come to any of my children’s birthday parties

She surely knows your MIL is difficult if they have had their own fallings out. Maybe she's trying not to rock the boat. I think all you can do is ask. Or invite her to something else and see how that goes. It might be no bad thing to have the group chat as she'll no your husband can see what's going on, so if MIL is trying to say your blocking him off from his family you have a way to demonstrate that you aren't, or she can. But, I think she'll already know that. Maybe she's done it to defend herself against her sister’s thinking. There are a lot of possibilities.

I don't think the setup you describe is "typical" for 2024. I would recommend taking back some of your independence and financial security. Don't assume responsibility for DH's family relationship maintenance or minimise his wrongdoings.

This isn’t really anybody’s business but I have plenty of financial security, thank you. We have our own little set up which generally works/both of us have a clear division of labour and both are very happy. Where it’s fallen down I see from this thread is me probably doing what I would do for myself/my family for DH/his family without him actually asking me to

his mother had sent him a number of messages in the time around the fall out blaming me for a number of things which literally have nothing to do with me, but are to do with him not bothering to go to lunch with her etc. it’s all my fault, apparently.

Well yes because it’s
Likely that she assumes you should be arranging all that for him in the first place! And ‘make him do it’ as if he was a child

The reality though is that your dh isn’t going to tell her/them that it’s his fault because he can’t be bothered to go and see her. Plus It’s going against the fact the whole family is non confrontational and prefer to sweep things under the carpet.

Id act as if having your dh on the WhatsApp group is normal and when the aunt makes a comment/organises something etc… I’d tag him with a comment along the lines of ‘dh what are your plans?’ Similar to what you’d tell him in RL.
Basically visibly passing on the bucket to him so there is no doubt fir his aunt where the responsibility lies.

Then lie back and met them sort it out between them.
Because it sounds like your dh doesn’t really want to keep close links with any of them.

this is true - thank you everyone for giving me some perspective, I will
give her the benefit of the doubt as she’s a really lovely woman. Maybe I can make it clear I am thing to get DH to do the group chat engaging.

Great plan

I have done this. I have no embarrassment about not doing wife work. I can’t do a full time job and all the stuff I do for our dc and home and also be dhs personal secretary and housekeeper. I don’t think anyone thinks the worse of me for it, but if they do that says a lot more about them than me.

Your MIL is clearly on MN 😀

I was st one stage hacked off my MIL never sent birthday cards etc to pur kids but did other grandchildren. When I mentioned it she said she didn't do cards (which I knew she did).

Anyway said to DH I wasn't doing cards for her now from then on but he could (which of course he didn't).

FIL called ME (not DH!) after mother's day to say she was upset we hadn't sent her a card. I am afraid I took great delight in saying but she told me after I asked why no birthday cards for our kids that she doesn't do cards.

Ha! That’s a win - well done.

my mother fully expects my brothers to do all this stuff and not their wives.

they don’t like u, just keep away and don’t let it bother u, they just tolerated u as u we’re married to their relative.

He can't be bothered so don't bother yourself. I can barely be bothered with a lot of my own family, no way in hell I'd be wasting mental energy on his.

DH needs to set out his stall. But he can't be arsed. Hence, one last piece of wife work.

One evening sit him down and explain to him what you've explained to us.

Then, grab his phone and send a message stating that all the nice stuff came from you and that if they can't be civil to you then they can whistle Dixie.

Then both of you leave the group.

Really. They're not worth the bother.

I’m confused. Why not just say to the aunt that you’ve fallen out with MIL, so you’ve stopped doing all the birthday etc stuff that you used to do, and asked your DH to do it? Why allow resentment to build at how unappreciated you were, without setting the record straight? And why would you let them think you were preventing your husband from doing these things? Just tell them. Then it’s done.

I’ve been non-contact with MIL for a year and a half. All wifework has therefore stopped. He’s managed Christmas and her birthday just about but didn’t do Mother’s Day.
As for you, I’m aware that other family members may be judging me. I’ve decided not to care. My relationship with my MIL is none of their business and shedding the load makes it all worth it.

OP - you’re probably feeling guilty. It’s the female socialisation. I did, when I dropped the rope. Worse when my lovely MIL got grief because I hadn’t got the DC to write thank you letters etc.

A decade on, DH has chosen one person in his family to spend time with (after a major illness scare) and ignores the rest. Perhaps the people who he’s dropped really are toxic and not worth spending time with. Even if not, its not up to me to fix. I make sure we have regular contact and a good relationship with my family.

This has nothing to do with being a SAHM. Many of us at home have never done any of these PA to our husband things!

It’s a common theme on several MN threads that women do a huge amount of wife work. If not diary based, then the majority of the housework, and that’s with full time jobs as well. I agree it’s not just to do with SAHM, I think it’s an issue across the board. Certainly in my friendship groups where the women work, they must also pick up a lot of the slack.

Yes, I do feel guilty. It’s not how I was raised - I was raised to always be polite and to show my manners. That’s why I feel uncomfortable and feel it reflects poorly on me when DH doesn’t bother, or when the children haven’t sent a birthday video. It’s totally learned behaviour though; as a PP said, if DH isn’t bothered by not doing it with his own family, why should I be?

I just hate unfairness, and feeling blamed unjustly. I was really hoping the aunt would bring up some of this situation to me so I could explain my side - she wouldn’t appreciate me bringing it up and of course she will ultimately support her sister, regardless of how batshit she is/has been to her in the past. Hopefully an opportunity will crop up at some point where I can naturally explain that any lack of effort coming from DH is his lack of effort and nothing to do with me somehow blocking it!

OP I think you’re being a bit of a martyr. If it bothers you, set the record straight. If you won’t offer a simple explanation to the people who are thinking badly of you, then you can’t be that fussed about it.

Stop doing what for the Aunt? What do you do apart from a Christmas or birthday card/gift? I'd still send those but not sure what else you'd be doing for his aunt anyway? If she asks you about the fallout with MIL then answer her honestly, otherwise I'd just leave her out of it. The less drama the better. You need to work on yourself if you're that worried about what other people think 🤷‍♀️

“Doing stuff” is the wrong word as you’re right, I’m not doing stuff for her. But I do 100% of all the communication so she can see the children/DH. Would you stop doing that?

I don’t see how it’s being a martyr. There isn’t an opportunity to bring it up and that’s not the sort of relationship we have. I don’t want to be all dramatic etc