Wife work backfire

[Quittingwifework]

Just wanted to rant really/to get any advice on how to not let this stuff bother me - I care way too much about what people think.

DH and I have been married very happily for 7 years. His mother has been a nightmare but he’s always supported me, as she’s been so obviously nasty that it’s been quite easy to “take sides”.

Anyway, DH is brilliant but he works long hours, I’m a SAHM and as is quite typical i think, I’ve always been a bit like a PA for him, including with his family. So every meet up I’ve arranged, every Mother’s Day gift etc I’ve organised, every thank you video from children - that’s been me.

Anyway, I’m now NC with MIL because she finally went too far in her words towards me. DH supports this. What it means, however, is that I’ve stopped doing literally everything I used to do. I told DH this would include buying gifts etc and he would need to take this on or not bother - absolutely his choice. Obviously being DH this means he’s forgotten/hasn’t bothered for Mother’s Day, birthdays etc. I did what I said I wouldn’t and even reminded him it was her birthday so he could text or call/but I doubt he remembered to.

Sorry for how long this is. The point is the rest of his family are now starting to act in a way which makes it clear they’ve misunderstood and basically think now I’ve fallen out with MIL, I’m stopping him doing all this stuff, as if he was doing it! I’ve done the same stuff with his aunt who I love over 7 years and suddenly she’s started a group chat and inserted him in as though I can’t be trusted. He obviously didn’t even reply on the group chat despite my asking him repeatedly to.

I’m starting to think I can’t be bothered maintaining any of these relationships, if after 7 years people can’t give me the benefit of the doubt and understand it’s me doing all the nice stuff, and I would certainly never stop DH from doing anything.

it’s just upsetting to have put so much effort in and suddenly I am the bad guy!

This is why I caution people on here about going to war with the in laws.

For some people - like yourself - it can be a very uncomfortable experience. Causing stress and anxiety for all sorts of reasons.

It’s all well and good folk telling you to do this and that but in reality it’s just not feasible.

Can I ask what this MiL did to you to make you back off? Has she tried to make amends?

Oh and if the aunt has included you in the group I would just respond as you normally would.

Have you considered that she is trying to appease your MiL by keeping her distance? Perhaps she thinks she doesn’t want to get involved?

You can still be your kind, helpful self.

She didn’t come to our wedding as she didn’t approve of me. She sent emails around to family members with photos of my and my mother in them explaining how that (how we looked?!) was “just the tip of the iceberg). She repeatedly called me names to DH and said unpleasant things about me. We moved past all of this and then after 7 years of what I thought was a pretty decent relationship, I made a comment to her about her lateness (she is always 1-2 hours late which is extremely difficult when you have 3 small children).

anyway her response to my comment/joke “it’s a good thing we were late” (in reference to us being late for once to her house and her not even being there) was met with what I can only describe as an onslaught of screaming personal attacks for 10 minutes. “You don't know how to behave” “you wind everyone up” “you have no self control” - it was all screamed in my face and DH and I stood there rooted to the ground. It went on and on and it was awful; it was also pretty obvious that she had hated me for 7 years and just been nice to my face. She then, instead of apologising, send DH a bunch of messages about how my behaviour was not ok! 😀 blaming me for all sorts of crap which had nothing to do with me

anyway finally it was enough for me and I decided no more. She’s been in touch many times as if nothing has happened and has been ignored.

I think she probably is trying to appease MIL, she is a very kind woman and wouldn’t want any trouble. But it’s a bit sad that, when she wasn’t speaking to MIL she would come to children’s parties but now she is she won’t!

I'd probably ease off yes and let her contact you if she wants to. Or she can go through DH if she prefers? Either way I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Why on earth caution? I'm sorry but in-laws are just like any other person, they should show you and your boundaries respect. If they don't do that you have every right to lower contact with them. So what should she do instead, accept crap behaviour or bullying or whatever it is because there is a family link? I've gone NC my MIL for disrespecting my boundaries and putting my son at risk. With me no longer doing the wife work of presents cards etc, my DH doesn't bother. But I get the impression MIL, her sister and my SIL all bitch about me and blame me for no longer having much contact with their DGC or cards etc. You know what? Screw them. Leave them to it and their witches covern. DH is perfectly capable of organising all of this himself if he wanted to. DH recently got for his birthday cards which not so subtly hinted their thoughts...one had a horoscope in it (kid you not!) with "Taurus is not easily led' underlined in it. I take from that they think I've somehow led him away and he isn't a sentient being with him own mind but who honestly knows they are totally batshit. OP lose the guilt. Honestly you will be happier, who cares what they say behind your back, let them stew in their own juices about it, it's not up to you to tell them DH doesn't care enough to send them a card. They can work that out themselves, deep down they know but don't want to believe it, easier and absolves their conscience to blame you. Same sort of people who won't say a simple and sincere 'sorry' out of pride.

Thank you for this - fantastic name btw 😀

Absolutely not! Why should she have to engage with them to tell them she's a good person? She doesn't owe them an explanation of have to prove herself to them?! The mistake was doing it at all. The truth is they WANT to believe she's the big bad wolf because the alternative is it's their son who's not bothered about them and they are probably 'blood is thicker than water' types. Why do women always blame other women when it's a man at fault? Like when they call the OW a home wrecker..he's the one that broke his promise/ marriage vows actually, if not that OW with no morals it would be someone else.

Oh god op you are a saint for tolerating what you have

This woman just does not deserve to have you in her life

I am pleased for you that you have managed to withdraw from her. She will be sorry but only for herself!

Let her fester in her own bitterness!

Gosh this is so true! I would have thought it’s obvious DH just isn’t interested enough but of course it has to me me otherwise they would have to accept it’s DH

Yes / I think all of the previous shit me put through when I was much younger was one thing, but to see her contempt alllll these years later made it hammer home.

and yes, it’s quite hard as I’m someone who likes to have my say but I think it’s pretty clear it won’t get anywhere and it’s a waste of time/breath and so silence is golden in this case!

My mums the same over My brothers wife, doesn't matter how much I tell her it's nothing to do with his wife it's him she won't have it. She says no no he's changed he'd do anything for me. It's blinkered though cos there was a time when he probably would do anything for her but then they fell out and he moved out, they made up again but clearly not as well as they had before. My mum can't accept the reality is the dynamic changed after the falling out. It's easier for her to blame his wife.

You won't change anything there's absolutely nothing at all you can do, to absolve yourself of blame, so move on from the aunt aswell, it's clear her priorities lie with the sister despite the falling out.

Adding your DH to the chat is abit weird though, I don't see the advantages to it, unless the mums been saying you've said she's said stuff that she hasn't and the aunt believes her. Either way OP believe me when I tell you that dwelling on this is futile absolutely futile because nothing in this world will convince that mother that you are not to blame.

If you were in the chat though why didn't you just respond to any concerns that she raised?

My brothers wife is the nicest girl ever by the way 😆. She and I get along lovely, but I've given up trying to convince my opinionated mum that it's nothing to do with her, you should too lol

Thank you for this - there are a lot of parallels here! DH was golden boy and he and his mother were insanely close. I think she doesn’t and will never understand how much she broke their relationship but just not showing up to our wedding on the day. He was humiliated and let down in a way I think he will never get over and she never even apologised.

exactly as with your SIL (I think I’m also pretty nice!) it’s just easier to blame me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you were in the chat though why didn't you just respond to any concerns that she raised?

it was just a random chat she started with us to send family photos on and ask how we were. I think after 7 years of dealing solely with me it’s strange timing to have happened now MIL and I aren’t talking but there we go.

Could be that she wants your DH to see she's making an effort even though there's family problems.

My mum didn't want to go to my brothers wedding, she did but left straight after the service, which to me seems just as damaging as not going at all but who am I to say lol

Honestly don't blame yourself or dwell on it, because the reality is, it doesn't actually matter your DH knows it isn't you stopping him doing anything and that's what matters.

Also if they were that close, no one would have been good enough or measured up enough for her son.

Yes this is what DH said - it’s not personal, she would have been this way with anyone.

she’s a very, very silly woman. It’s actually sad what’s happened to her and DH but that’s her own doing.

I think she doesn’t and will never understand how much she broke their relationship but just not showing up to our wedding on the day. He was humiliated and let down in a way I think he will never get over and she never even apologised.

wtf? what on earth sort of mother does that? Surely with that type of behavior all his family including the aunt knows full well it's her not you that's the problem?i

Im sure she does know but she had 35 years of being very close to her sister nonetheless and is probably so delighted to be finally reunited with her after over a decade of not speaking that she is desperate to not get involved/see the best in her. I do understand that.

yes, MIL has made some horrendous decisions and I’m very sorry for DH. He used to always organise thoughtful gifts for her and see her several
times a week and then the wedding and the run up to it happened and this year he forgot to send her a birthday text. I think his mind has literally just locked her out as an act of self preservation.

@Quittingwifework I am actually extremely surprised that your dh and yourself just didnt go "no contact" immediately after the wedding!! that would definitely been the end of the line for me! your hubby should be totally on your side whether or not he is/was the golden child previously! your mil sounds as nasty as hell!

Just tell his family that each of you are taking responsibility for gifts/birthdays/arrangements for their own family members. The rest can remain unsaid but it puts the ball in DH's court.

She didn’t contact us and we didn’t contact her but 9 months later DC was born so we got in touch then/she did. 0 apologies 0 discussion just gifts and pretending all was fine.

she’s had plenty of chances to be nice

@Quittingwifework She didn’t contact us and we didn’t contact her but 9 months later DC was born so we got in touch then/she did. 0 apologies 0 discussion just gifts and pretending all was fine.

she’s had plenty of chances to be nice

I just could not have been as nice as you!! I would definitely not have contacted her after the birth the let her know. I would have just left her to stew and you should still just do that. it is her loss not yours!! if you let her continue to see your child/children, she may even eventually try to poison them against you!

Actually tbf Mil is so nice in person - she makes a few digs etc but in general is very pleasant to spend time with. Which is why I truly believed we were quite close and was therefore completely shocked that after years of hanging out/presents/phone calls and supporting one another, her meltdown made it clear she actually doesn’t like me!

She's accusing you of doing all the things she does. If she does it, why wouldn't you? It's normal to her.
So she is sticking her oar in to stop aunt coming to birthday parties, therefore, assumes likewise, it must be you stopping DH.
She accuses you of having no self control - while she is in the midst of totally losing control.
She uses herself as the yardstick of behaviour. Deep down, probably knows you don't operate that way and is probably jealous of how better put together you are. Sounds like you are people pleasing too much, I'd of stopped contact at the wedding stage, how she was then was unforgivable enough.

I think this is all very true! Having someone screaming at you to “calm down”
when you’ve not said 2 words and are standing there shell shocked is a good example. Thank you