Wife work backfire

[Quittingwifework]

Just wanted to rant really/to get any advice on how to not let this stuff bother me - I care way too much about what people think.

DH and I have been married very happily for 7 years. His mother has been a nightmare but he’s always supported me, as she’s been so obviously nasty that it’s been quite easy to “take sides”.

Anyway, DH is brilliant but he works long hours, I’m a SAHM and as is quite typical i think, I’ve always been a bit like a PA for him, including with his family. So every meet up I’ve arranged, every Mother’s Day gift etc I’ve organised, every thank you video from children - that’s been me.

Anyway, I’m now NC with MIL because she finally went too far in her words towards me. DH supports this. What it means, however, is that I’ve stopped doing literally everything I used to do. I told DH this would include buying gifts etc and he would need to take this on or not bother - absolutely his choice. Obviously being DH this means he’s forgotten/hasn’t bothered for Mother’s Day, birthdays etc. I did what I said I wouldn’t and even reminded him it was her birthday so he could text or call/but I doubt he remembered to.

Sorry for how long this is. The point is the rest of his family are now starting to act in a way which makes it clear they’ve misunderstood and basically think now I’ve fallen out with MIL, I’m stopping him doing all this stuff, as if he was doing it! I’ve done the same stuff with his aunt who I love over 7 years and suddenly she’s started a group chat and inserted him in as though I can’t be trusted. He obviously didn’t even reply on the group chat despite my asking him repeatedly to.

I’m starting to think I can’t be bothered maintaining any of these relationships, if after 7 years people can’t give me the benefit of the doubt and understand it’s me doing all the nice stuff, and I would certainly never stop DH from doing anything.

it’s just upsetting to have put so much effort in and suddenly I am the bad guy!

Having read through more of your posts, (the one about your MIL not coming to your wedding, and the one about how your DHs and MILs golden relationship previous to the wedding), I would say that your MIL has got some serious mental health issues, and you're the easiest scapegoat for her not being able to deal with her emotions. Seems like that role gets passed around from person to person. Others in the family will be aware of that history, please don't let it define you. Your DH is detaching himself from his mother, but probably they both need to do some interior work on it. And your MIL needs therapy about why she perceives herself to be threatened and her exaggerated dramatic response to that threat. IMHO.

It seems OP's husband has very valid reasons to maintain minimal contact with his family. OP needs to refram3 her mindset to not care about their opinions and leave her DH to manage his relationships with them. If the family is toxic then it's no real loss to the children either

I’m in a similar position to you, I went NC with MIL about 8 years ago, life is better without her in it. She is a nasty manipulative controller who definitely resents my position as my DH wife. DH agrees & supports me, she left the family home when he was 11 so their relationship was never very close. DH constantly needs pushing from me to ring her. I’m certain she tells anyone who will listen that I’m the reason he never bothers, yet I do all the help buying cards/gifts etc for Birthdays etc..
His family are dysfunctional anyway since his Dad died so day to day it doesn’t really bother me what they think but the thing I worry about most is when she dies (she’s in her 80s) I won’t be able to support him at her funeral etc, because of what the rest of the family think of me.

Just stop meddling with how DH wants to run his family relationships. Stop listening to anyone trying to tell you how badly they think of you. Stop caring what people you don't like/respect think of you. You got to make your own decisions re going no contact with MIL, give your husband the space and respect to decide for himself how much contact he has with his family. You can't step back and then try and control what he doesn't or does do, you can't have it both ways.

What a misogynistic, hateful and nasty post!

It's quite strange how quickly people jump to their own conclusions. I've known my in-laws for over 20 years and they all know what my STBXH is like, yet I'm the bad guy for ending the relationship (probably because he's now their problem again). All that I have endured from him, is forgotten. It's frustrating, but I have to just let them think what they want. They don't deserve my justification, just as yours don't. Hugs x

Why not start buying MIL presents again, but really inappropriate, bad taste and trashy. She'll be obliged to thank your DH but you'll be laughing all the time. 😁

Op,

if they know him at all, they will know it wasn’t coming from him. They react to the fact that he took side, and « attack » so that he reconsiders.

They showed you who they are. Why would you want to be friendly now? Give it a bit of time and maybe let them come to you when time allows. I would certainly not do anything with regards to his family. It is for him to choose how he deals with it.

hope all goes well :)
🌺

If you really care about the relationship with the aunt I would continue to make the effort you have but now sign everything from you not DH and never leave any doubt it's you who does all the life admin. If the aunt ask about the change or makes a comment that sets you up perfectly to say oh well it's always been me with all the family I just felt that after me going no contact with MIL looks like I stopped dh when the reality was it was always me I wasn't comfortable him getting the credit for my effort anymore.

Don't maintain the relationships, match effort with effort, if they want to make you the villain in their story then let them. If DH wants to maintain a relationship with them, he can visit them alone. Invest in those who invest in you - it just allows more time for the genuine and kind people in your life. Plus on special occasions (such as Christmas) it means you can spend your time with those you enjoy being around instead of those who you feel obligated to see. If they want to play stupid games, they can expect to win stupid prizes.

I went NC with my MIL and insisted mine and DH's young children did too (I will always protect them from emotionally manipulative, vindictive personalities) and it's absolved me from any family events on DH's side - our relationship is better, our kids are happy and thriving, it's bliss! Just enjoy your peace.

Hmmmm the SAHMs that I know , like you, do the home admin. I think that’s pretty normal and I suspect his family know that ….

As a women herself, surely MIL knows all events and presents are arranged by the women. Every member of the family will know this, men included. If it suits them to believe you are stopping DH sending such gifts then no matter what you do or say will matter. As the saying goes, you can't control how people treat you but you can control how you react to it. In regards to the aunt I see the group chat more as a way to make sure she keeps both of you in her life. I'd meet her for lunch or coffee or something, if it comes up it comes up. If it doesn't just enjoy the time spend and keep the relationship going by making time to see her. I make my DH do all his side when it comes to gifts and contact. I remind him of course but it's on him to pick the gifts just like I do with my side. The more you do for a man the more they will let you do for them.

You have ample opportunity… when aunt messages the group chat about something, ask your DH what he thinks… if after 24 hours he’s not responded put up a jokey message saying ‘sorry aunty’.. DH is terrible at keeping in touch with people… but we’ve discussed it and that date is great…that way you’ve had the opportunity to get in that he’s dreadful at keeping in touch with people … when you see her and the discussion comes up of meeting again just joke that she’s best messaging you because if left to him he would forget to keep in touch with his own family!! She’ll get the message!

Have to say I did all the card and present buying for in laws. Now we are getting divorced j still send cards from me & DD & encourage her to thank you cards.. my birthday I didn’t get cards from a single one of his family (except FIL) … so this coming year I’m faced with the predicament… do I still send cards from DD… (they send to her) or do I just not bother..
To me it seems rude not to enable her to send cards to her dads family!? But I also find it rude that after almost 20 years of sending them all cards I’ve been ditched by them all

How old is DD? Can you buy a multipack of birthday cards and stamps, give her the addresses and leave her to it?

It would be a cold day in hell before I was willing to make plans with the sister, unless she’s apologized for her rudeness. Otherwise, all requests from DH’s family will be forwarded to him for handling, after all, you wouldn’t want to overstep.

I don't think you need to to anything at all that your DH should be doing. That includes buying gifts for his DM and aunt, organising Mother's Day, and sending them messages from the kids. If anyone ever comments that they're no longer getting those things, a simple "I know, DH is terrible, he never remembers this stuff, he's always been like this", will suffice. You are not involved, you are a bystander watching his incompetence like everyone else in the family. Joke about it with them, don't take it as an affront to you, it's nothing to do with you, it has never been anything to do with you. I think a helpful way to think about it is to ask yourself if your DH would carry the mental load of all this stuff for you and sort out gifts etc for your family. I bet they would not, so just don't give it another second of though.

Tricky one / how old is Dd and how often does she see them? Why can’t her father facilitate this?

Honestly I would just stop. I was in a similar sirltuation to op and I feel alot better since I stopped it all. It's not nice not being acknowledged.

Does your DH have a father or siblings? Does he/you make an effort with them? Surely his aunt will realize if you’re still in contact with other family members that it’s just his mother that is the problem?

he has siblings but they are all very dependent on the mother in various ways - two of them also didn’t attend the wedding. Only one did, but she lives abroad. No contact really with them, beyond seeing once a year and maybe a birthday text.

his parents are divorced and he speaks to his father more, but they have work in common. And still not much tbh. He’s quite a solitary fellow, is DH.

Dad moved back to his mams 2 years ago and has only DD (13) once since…. His family have never met DD!
His mam texts DD regularly.

My ex lives 5 minutes from his Dad now and hasn’t been in any contact with him since leaving either…. So we sent him a Father’s Day card from me and DD, and will continue this as he sends to me & DD… but no idea what I’ll do this year on his mams birthday/Christmas… I usually send up Christmas cards and birthday cards all in a plastic envelope together to my ex for him to hand out…. Expect still will and just DD sign them until she no longer wants to bother

We live opposite ends of U.K… so it is possible that they could’ve met DD.. but they haven’t… Her Dad has only come down once and moaned about the cost!
Didn’t see her at all in 2023… and looks like he may not in 2024… she sadly isn’t too bothered!
Break up was amicable and we still text (me and her dad)… He’s just dysfunctional I guess!