Would you find this level of stinginess unacceptable?

[WhingeyStingey]

I've been dating a man for a couple of months. He has many lovely qualities but has described himself as "tight" with money (although will happily spend ££££ on his hobbies).

For reference, I'm all about equity and have paid half for every meal we have had in restaurants. I also bought our coffees on our first date as he had travelled further (only 25 minutes though in total).

I've noticed the following behaviours which, frankly, have turned me off;

1. The first time he came to my house he turned up empty-handed. We had decided to cook a meal together and I had bought all the food, nice Gu desserts and alcohol. He did message on his way to ask if I needed anything picking up from the shop for the meal but obviously I had already got everything by that point. If it were me, I would have come with a bottle of wine or flowers (if a female friend).

1. That same evening, we nipped to the local pub after the meal and he let me pay for the drinks (we just had one each). I offered to pay so I guess it was my fault but now feel he should have paid as I had laid on the all food/dinks at my house.

1. We went for a meal and then to a fancy cinema. He drove (20 mins). I paid for parking (£10!) . We split the meal bill. The cinema tickets were on me as I have a membership and get 6 "free" tickets a year. We had a drink in the cinema and again, he let me pay. He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!

Maybe it's me that has the problem and I should just stop offering. I'm quite a generous person and don't usually keep score but I've started to with him due to noticing these behaviour patterns. Would you be bothered by his tightness?

Why doesn’t he cook for you? It sounds like you’re doing all the work and paying for everything too. I wouldn’t be able to put up with it.

Apart from this is he someone you want to have a relationship with. If no then this point is moot. If yes then do what's been suggested upthread and be clear.
Arrange for him to cook. If you cook ask him to pick up dessert and wine. When you're planning your next meet up ask what he suggests - and then say "OK I'll leave it to you to get the tickets ".

FWIW I struggle with people who are not direct - if you say don't bring anything I assume you mean it. Also I hate it when I AM direct and say "Don't bring anything" and then am saddled with something I really don't want.

However - despite this - on the face of it - I agree he looks like a meanie ..... and I'd give it a last shot and then dump.

Just end it now, or you will be paying again tonight

Light heartedly, suggest, it’s his turn to pay the bill this time, as you paid last time (and all the times before, that you don’t need to mention)
See how that goes down. But I think he needs to be dumped.
Meanness is not a good look. It will only get worse.

I would try to discuss it with him before dumping him but it's not looking good. If he's this tight early on imagine if you stay together longterm. Plus he should be embarrassed.

Just caught up. Glad you have called it quits.
You deserve better.

Well done for binning him off OP! He sounds wholly unattractive. Can’t stand tight people.

Ick

ick

ick

sack him off op you can do better

I'm another one who got caught with this kind of man.

''Ow MUCH?!' every time he looked in the window of a coffee shop or cafe. 'I have a coffee at home for nothing!' Which is absolutely true, but sometimes there is pleasure in having a day out wandering around and a coffee and bun in a cafe and a sandwich somewhere. Mine was very well off but squeaked when he walked he was so tight. And it was VERY unattractive, when we went round a supermarket, me carrying the (usually very heavy) basket while he added things and then stood back to let me pay.

Gone, and not regretted.

This point in particular got me!

There's were particularly awful too.

Ick

He doesn't "do" life admin, he's tight as a duck's arse, and he's shit in bed. Yikes!

I'm glad you've ended it, OP; he would have become a big, honking albatross around your neck as soon as he got his feet under the table.

Completely agree with this.

He's rude, stingy and has no manners - bin

He has many lovely qualities but has described himself as "tight" with money

That would be a deal breaker for me.

Thank god you finally ditched him.
Start therapy, it will help to save time.

Meanness goes to the very core of a person. It informs their every action, reaction and thought......how do I come out ahead in this and every situation.

I have never heard of a decent person who is mean, simply because they are totally focused on their sole need to take advantage of every situation to be ahead.

If you can understand that it will help you because MEANNESS infects every area of a persons life, every decision, every opportunity that arises.

If you don't value yourself, how can you expect others to.
Find your standards and stand tall enforcing them.
Paying for his parking???
Absolute madness.

I would imagine his ex is thrilled to be rid of him.
I bet she could tell you a few tales🙄🤢

No

He knows exactly what he's doing. He's stingy. He's a leech and he's very ill-mannered

Dump

Absolutely true, in my experience. Even apart from that, imagine living and having children with a freeloader like this. You’d be the unpaid workhorse. Run away now!

I'd rather date a poor and generous man, than a rich stingy one. He will get worse with age. My brother is a tight man, and he's worse with age. Well done for dumping him. He would have sucked the joy out of everything, after the initial honeymoon period.

Dated someone like this when I was 24, he was 34. He let me pay for everything. Meals out, taxis, nights out, take out. He would come to mine and just laze about whilst I cooked and cleaned. I would always bring it up, but he didn’t change, so I dumped him. After 8 weeks though. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I didn’t learn my lesson. But I won’t go into that..

i’m the type to get my card out and offer. I’m a kind person. I like to treat people. But you will get men/women that are sponges and will take the piss.

Unacceptable. I had one of these. He seemed utterly oblivious how rude it was. I never called him out on it, but silently seethed until I finished things. The attitude/tightness/stinginess is also rarely limited to monetary elements only.

I know his sister. He has always been "careful" with money.

He’s happy to sponge off you with no embarrassment. Sounds like he’s proud of his meanness. It will only get worse

Being frugal is one thing. Being as tight as a crab's arse is another.

I can’t bear people who are tight. It’s joyless and depressing. I was brought up by parents who believed in being as generous as you can afford to be and I find it really unattractive when people aren’t.

Well done op. I think the drip deed really sealed the deal. I bet all the behaviors you have listed are the very reasons he’s getting divorced not that he would ever have the insight or honesty to tell you. He’s not divorced he doesn’t know anything about being in a dating relationship and his tightness and meh in bed won’t change. Won’t. I had a few dates with a guy who brought a Mountain Dew and candy for himself and nothing for me not even a water after I had worked a 13 hour shift and met him at the theatre and I paid because he was so slow to reach for his wallet. Walked out of movie and didn’t go on another date. This type is so crafty so ballsy so good at not paying for themselves that it always awkward. They just have the nerve to stand doing nothing just a second long er than you do. Well rid. You will meet someone better suited and now you CAN because Your not with him