Would you find this level of stinginess unacceptable?

[WhingeyStingey]

I've been dating a man for a couple of months. He has many lovely qualities but has described himself as "tight" with money (although will happily spend ££££ on his hobbies).

For reference, I'm all about equity and have paid half for every meal we have had in restaurants. I also bought our coffees on our first date as he had travelled further (only 25 minutes though in total).

I've noticed the following behaviours which, frankly, have turned me off;

1. The first time he came to my house he turned up empty-handed. We had decided to cook a meal together and I had bought all the food, nice Gu desserts and alcohol. He did message on his way to ask if I needed anything picking up from the shop for the meal but obviously I had already got everything by that point. If it were me, I would have come with a bottle of wine or flowers (if a female friend).

1. That same evening, we nipped to the local pub after the meal and he let me pay for the drinks (we just had one each). I offered to pay so I guess it was my fault but now feel he should have paid as I had laid on the all food/dinks at my house.

1. We went for a meal and then to a fancy cinema. He drove (20 mins). I paid for parking (£10!) . We split the meal bill. The cinema tickets were on me as I have a membership and get 6 "free" tickets a year. We had a drink in the cinema and again, he let me pay. He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!

Maybe it's me that has the problem and I should just stop offering. I'm quite a generous person and don't usually keep score but I've started to with him due to noticing these behaviour patterns. Would you be bothered by his tightness?

This man is not invested in you, not that into you, and he is giving you as little as possible now to see what he can get away with.

I'm not saying it's wise for a man to start spending too much money on a woman from the very beginning, but the second example in your initial post was such a piss take. If my friend my us dinner at her house, I don't care if she would have offered to pay for drinks afterwards - I would have insisted that I pay or done something else to show my gratitude.

Be careful of selfish men who are also distrustful of women. They aren't just stingy with money. They're stingy with their time as well. They don't want to give you a mere drop over & above what they absolutely have to, and if they do, they'll usually be reminding you of every tiny little thing they've done for you at a later time.

This beginning part should easier than this, but you're already resentful, and I'd say mistrustful about him and the way things are going. Leaving it until 9pm the night before to declare to you when you should be making sandwiches is a big no-no. He is disrespectful of your time, and I can bet if you treated His Lordship in this way, you'd be hearing about it.

I think you're not seeing things clearly because you really want this to work out, and on a surface level, he's pleasant to spend time with.

As attitude to finances causes so many relationship issues, the important thing is that either you have a very similar attitude or complete opposite but happy to balance each other out.
DH and I are both very careful with money. Always had joint everything and on 22 years have never fallen out about it. We will always buy second hand, mend if possible, no need for flashy, never take a taxi( one of us will not drink) etc, however we will give large amounts of money and time to charity and people in need, so whilst we do not waste money, I would not say we were stingey.
My brother is very generous and would give his last bean away, his wife is an accountant and makes sure he is sensible with his generosity.

If your approach is very different and it already annoys you at dating stage then you are not compatible. My DH and I would never buy a coffee after a meal as we can go home and make one and probably enjoy it more ( we might sometimes do the deal where you get a small pudding and coffee together though!)

You did the right thing OP. Onwards & upwards.

Agree it seems that way

On a separate note OP, it might just be me but these dates also sound quite intense so early on. Three-hour hikes, all-day dates, dinner at yours and then a show etc. would be too intense for me. I think these early dates should not be as pressured or as long as you are just getting to know each other. That may also have contributed to you doubting your own reactions because you might be conflating time spent with effort given, which are two different things in my opinion.

Yep, stingy. It’ll get worse down the line. Remember if you’re looking for marriage and children this is the person who you will be financially leaning on during maternity leave and will be expected to stump up at least half for child related purchases and nursery/childcare fees. Tbh the moment he said about ‘always being happy to let somebody buy him a coffee’ I would’ve been really turned off

Also agree

I'm really glad you have dumped him. It wouldn't have got better and it would have pervaded and poisoned any pleasant aspect of the relationship.

There is frugal and there is mean. He is mean and that won't change.

I'm quite frugal as I hate wasting money unnecessarily. I'll do stuff like take my own reusable water bottle and shopping bags and if I take the kids to the cinema I'll take them to choose some sweets from Tesco first rather than pricey pick a mix. We don't eat out every weekend (though could afford to) because it wouldn't seem like a treat to do it all the time. But I am not joyless, every few weeks I'm happy to spend money on a nice meal out. And I'm not a scrounger, I would not let someone treat me unless we took turns or split the bill because I'm not a pisstaker and I want to keep my friends!

This man is happy to scrounge. He's actually proud of it!

I'm sad but feel like a weight has been lifted. I've been tearful all week and I think that's my subconscious telling me this wasn't right. He hasn't responded to my text and I abhor making people feel bad but this was the right thing to do. I'm trying not to descend into a scarcity mindset, thinking that I should have stuck with this as Tinder is so dire! But I'm going to take time out and get therapy. I am late 40s and getting more attention from men than I ever did in my younger years. I'm not sure why . I also have a strong feeling that I need to find someone that I am very sexually compatible with before it's too late! Make hay whilst the sun shines and all that.

I'm exactly the same!

We are both late 40s and 6 kids between us. No marriage or pro-creating is happening!

@WhingeyStingey I hope you do something very nice just for you today. You very much deserve to treat yourself

Its phrasing it right and doing a pause to give him space to offer " shall we get drinks?" not " would you like a drink?". If he says yes, you pause and wait for him to order, or say when you get there " I'll have a ..." to him. Manage the situation in your favour as he has been to his. If he doesn't step up on these occasions, dump. Could be tight, could also be lying about his finances maybe, neither good. It's not just tight, it's poor etiquette.

Yes indeed. I would say spend some of the money you would have spent today dating just on something a bit luxurious for you.

Yes,mental load! He reference how he doesn't do life admin and I expect that was all down to his wife .

Did you ever get to go to his house? You should always check their place out, especially as he's not divorced so could still actually be with his wife.
Good you ended it, surprised you continued on after bad sex, but you got there.

No I never went there. He has left the marital home and is living in his second property!

You should’ve run for the hills when he, as a father of two, claimed not to do ‘life admin’!

You can talk about it with him all you like but he will never change.

Chuck this one back- anyone that tight fisted isn't worth being with - if he respected you, he'd pay his way.

I think being tight with money is one of the most unattractive traits a person can have. I would not be able to get past it as I’d be completely and utterly repulsed by it.

How deeply unattractive. Mean with money, mean in all other areas - ltb

Holy Pschitt!

A tight arse AND crap in bed {Or elsewhere}- kick him out!

I'm similar to you in that I don't really keep score of who pays for what and am always happy to treat. But being like that does mean you'll get people who never treat or pick up tabs, because they know you will. I try to not do money costing things with those friends, and I certainly wouldn't want to be in a relationship with one. It leads to you feeling used and that's not nice.

There is being sensible and living within your means, and there is letting someone else continue to pick up yout tab.
Meanness tends to be a trait, rather than just being tight with money.
I'd let this one go.