Would you find this level of stinginess unacceptable?

[WhingeyStingey]

I've been dating a man for a couple of months. He has many lovely qualities but has described himself as "tight" with money (although will happily spend ££££ on his hobbies).

For reference, I'm all about equity and have paid half for every meal we have had in restaurants. I also bought our coffees on our first date as he had travelled further (only 25 minutes though in total).

I've noticed the following behaviours which, frankly, have turned me off;

1. The first time he came to my house he turned up empty-handed. We had decided to cook a meal together and I had bought all the food, nice Gu desserts and alcohol. He did message on his way to ask if I needed anything picking up from the shop for the meal but obviously I had already got everything by that point. If it were me, I would have come with a bottle of wine or flowers (if a female friend).

1. That same evening, we nipped to the local pub after the meal and he let me pay for the drinks (we just had one each). I offered to pay so I guess it was my fault but now feel he should have paid as I had laid on the all food/dinks at my house.

1. We went for a meal and then to a fancy cinema. He drove (20 mins). I paid for parking (£10!) . We split the meal bill. The cinema tickets were on me as I have a membership and get 6 "free" tickets a year. We had a drink in the cinema and again, he let me pay. He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!

Maybe it's me that has the problem and I should just stop offering. I'm quite a generous person and don't usually keep score but I've started to with him due to noticing these behaviour patterns. Would you be bothered by his tightness?

It was actually quite a nice date. The view was stunning and the man can cook. Even in that situation I didn't rock up empty-handed though. I bought dessert as am not a cheeky fucker.

Tbf, I wouldn't object to being cooked a curry on a camp stove in a remote/scenic place. It sounds lovely.

It's everything else I'd object to.

@Bestyearever2024 I know you are right and it's been on my mind for ages. I've finally got the means to pay for therapy (thanks frugal late dad) and will do that. With men. I'm a people-pleaser and feel unworthy of accepting kind gestures.
It doesn't feel right with this guy. Also, the sex was bad. I was willing to give it time to improve but, with everything else.... no.

Let me guess, he's not generous in bed either?

If you’re having reservations this early and you don’t seem to be looking forward to the show. I’d end it now.

Dear tightarse. I can’t see this relationship working out for me due to our differences in financial expectations so feel it would be better to cancel this evening

then go with a friend.

I'm not always right but PLEASE PLEASE trust me; I'm right here

End it. Stop dating. Get some therapy

You'll be pleased that you did

Tight, rude, crap sex......I'd bin a man for one of those!

You deserve way way way more!

Actually, he did try! He was just rather clueless

It was heated up left over curry 🤪

To summarise…
It doesn’t feel right
The sex was bad
He is tight
He doesn’t have manners to bring a bottle of wine round

He really doesn’t sound good.

What I hate about people like this is that they know exactly what they are doing and that they revel in the freebies they get. To be honest after cooking him a meal I would not have bought him a drink. I would've dumped him that night.

I've done it. I've ended it. This is a step forward for me as I usually give men too many chances (like, even more than with this one). I hate making other people feel bad 😢

It’s good you now have money for therapy. Hope you have found someone well qualified and good!

But you are ok with them not making you feel good enough.

you completely are OP. You are completely worth it all.

Yes, I've heard friends who are like this make comments that showed they knew exactly what they are doing. They view the other person as foolish for offering to pay etc. People like this will take advantage if you let them.

I dint know about anyone else, but I don't want to have to worry about my partner taking advantage of me. I want my partner to be trustworthy - someone who values fairness and equity. Someone who isn't constantly on the lookout for how he can profit from our interactions.

Well done OP! Did you tell him why?

I read John Cauldwells autobiography, he started phones 4 U and is a billionaire. He spends millions on cars and houses but won't buy a takeaway coffee and wears £30 jeans!

Been there. Ended up.thousands in debt. I'm.not on a massive salary. He earned less than me. It is embarrassing I know, not for the recipient no. Start holding back re payment or discuss before hand what is happening re payment. 10m.uncomfortable chat will prevent resentment later. In my next relationship I was on the look out for such behaviour

Well, then you only know about half his behaviour. Have you tried ordering yourself an enormous sundae and nothing for him. I would bet one of two things will happen:
he sulks, or
he orders himself an even bigger ice cream and anxiously comments throughout eating it how much nicer it is than yours.

TLDR I really don’t think you’re compatible.

Urgh, one of the worst traits for me in a man. He's carrying on as he means to go on. Nip this in the bid. Now.

Totally just stop offering. Just order your own and swiftly pay for it. Either he sits there with nothing or he has to buy something!

Like if he's on a budget get a half of ale or something, or a soft drink instead of alcohol. Or filter coffee instead of cappuccino? Or just drink a glass of tap water if you really want to rock the Scrooge vibes.

You can't force him to spend I guess. But do not spend money on him. He seems to enjoy things others pay for and readily admits that.

I would find that a big red flag that it wasn't just 50/50 split throughout the dates, either in turns or not.

There's nothing wrong with being broke, but being tight is something else that shows mean spiritedness. He'll happily spend his money alone, but not with you?

That is fair enough, esp in a situation where you fancy something so have to offer. Though next time you meet at a bar/coffee shop before lunch/dinner you need to not automatically get your purse out and if he seems hesitant say "I think it's your turn". Be very wary of slipping into habits where he just gets used to you paying.

So he is not used to dating? Maybe he has forgotten how to woo/ date? Tell him to bring food/ drink "can you pick up enough xyz for the both of us/ if I make the lunch can you do xyz"

So sorry OP missed your update. Hope you’re okay and doing something nice for yourself this weekend x

Theres nothing wrong with being frugal in what you buy for yourself.

The real question is - does he freeload off his friends and his dates? Does he disappear when it's time to pay for the drinks/meal that he's enjoyed his fair share of? Does he see other people as foolish saps who he can manipulate into paying for him?

It’s not about not knowing how to date, it’s basic bloody manners to pay your way.

sorry it’s over op, but the right decision, it wasn’t going to get better,