Would you find this level of stinginess unacceptable?

[WhingeyStingey]

I've been dating a man for a couple of months. He has many lovely qualities but has described himself as "tight" with money (although will happily spend ££££ on his hobbies).

For reference, I'm all about equity and have paid half for every meal we have had in restaurants. I also bought our coffees on our first date as he had travelled further (only 25 minutes though in total).

I've noticed the following behaviours which, frankly, have turned me off;

1. The first time he came to my house he turned up empty-handed. We had decided to cook a meal together and I had bought all the food, nice Gu desserts and alcohol. He did message on his way to ask if I needed anything picking up from the shop for the meal but obviously I had already got everything by that point. If it were me, I would have come with a bottle of wine or flowers (if a female friend).

1. That same evening, we nipped to the local pub after the meal and he let me pay for the drinks (we just had one each). I offered to pay so I guess it was my fault but now feel he should have paid as I had laid on the all food/dinks at my house.

1. We went for a meal and then to a fancy cinema. He drove (20 mins). I paid for parking (£10!) . We split the meal bill. The cinema tickets were on me as I have a membership and get 6 "free" tickets a year. We had a drink in the cinema and again, he let me pay. He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!

Maybe it's me that has the problem and I should just stop offering. I'm quite a generous person and don't usually keep score but I've started to with him due to noticing these behaviour patterns. Would you be bothered by his tightness?

'words cost nothing' has been one that has served me very well throughout my life. watch very carefully what people do, that's who they are. People are what they do.

I'm laughing at the puppies one!

I guess it depends on what you want out of this relationship. I wouldn't want to build something long-term with someone who was such a penny pincher.

This. Men who are tight with money are also tight with their time and affection. It is a big red flag for me.

Glad you dumped him. And the sex was bad.

Yes it also applies to the bedroom in my experience. Men who are generous with money tend to be generally more concerned with making their woman happy, and that applies to all aspects of life.

Men who are tight with money seem to either not know, or not care how to please a woman in the bedroom. They are only concerned with themselves. As I said before, it's a sign of selfishness.

Again, thank you for the posts. I've read them all and they have all helped. The man has been dumped and is probably already back on Tinder looking for another woman to treat shoddily (and procure kitchen utensils from!).

This topic has obviously touched a nerve judging by the amount of replies. It seems that stinginess and free-loading are truly hated characteristics and I find this fascinating.

Onwards and upwards x

Ah you literally are describing a guy I was seeing. I let it go for far too long and it never changed. It just ate me up and when I ended up and told him why, he said “oh if you feel I owe you any money then please do let me know”. Totally unabashed - most men would be mortified. I’d advise getting rid as it will ruin your life as you’ll just begrudge doing anything!

Huge alarm bells. Avoid this man and any other like him. He should be swooning you. Its basic chivalry. Unfortunately my good lady, you need to allow yourself more self worth. And it sounds like you know he's not right and you don’t like this behaviour so trust yourself. If a man didn’t buy me a drink on our first date, that was it for me. I knew i was at least worth a drink for my time as i was looking for a genuine nice man. Found him in the end 9 years ago and we are best friends. He's never allowed me to pay for any drink or meal which I found a little uncomfortable in the early days. Despite todays new social expectations, we are still primal beings and in an heterosexual relationship, men swoon women and women show their nurturing side. My opinion only.

That was THEN - this IS now

If she dumped him a while ago Y IS it an issue NOW?

It is one of the most unendearing, upsetting and annoying traits - you could bring it up but I doubt he will change ! ☹️Get shot of him !

I think it is because especially if he is stingy in the "honeymoon " phase then just how mean with other things is he going to be? I'd find it hard to believe he would be a good lover. He'd almost certainly be a Cocklodger if you let him. And his lack of social manners would embarrass you eventually.

Social politeness for "acquaintances " is you pay your way and maybe treat the other person occasionally. A friend who was broke you might treat more often (interspersed with free/cheap outings). But would probably make up for it in other ways and certainly when they were on their feet.

Stingy men have a weird way of breaking the social code but retaining the power. Maybe it's a bit like coercive control.

I went on a date once with a guy who I thought was extremely stingy! And I am a generous person, so I was starting to feel very used!

He had qualities which I hadn't ever seen on another guy, and was amazing! Although this little feature was annoying me so much!

I then met his family, who just don't buy tat and only buy what is necessary. It taught me how to be better with money. I'm still generous, but smarter with money.

Fast forward, I now have a family with him, and he is the most generous person I know!

Try to understand where he is coming from, make sure he at least pays his part! And give him a chance if you think he is great 😃

For me that’s a personality trait I could not accept. If he’s like this at the beginning of a relationship, he will just get worse. It’s one thing being tight but he is taking the drinks, tickets etc- to me he is just taking you for a mug . My brother is like this, even lets my elderly mum pay lunch, takes petrol money from her, turns up empty handed when he comes for Christmas, dinner etc. plenty of money for his hobbies too. He 67 now and on his own. Had lovely girlfriends over the years but I think his meaness eventually broke them all

@Whatinthedoopla

Try to understand where he is coming from

I'm left wondering what part of someone who is quoted as saying that he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!

is mot clearly understood?

She dumped him during the first day of this thread.

You made the right decision! This is your honeymoon period: you're supposed to be showing each other the best of yourselves.

And all he thinks you're worth is half a pint of lager??!

No! Goodbye.

Very best wishes for the future 🌺
You have made the right decision 😊

That behaviour is a real 'me me me' behaviour. He hasn't learnt to share yet, so probably immature in other ways.

Well done on ditching him I find ppl who are tight with money like that suck the fun and joy out of life a bit.

If nothin changes nothin changes

I know I’m a bit late to this but it’s taken me a very long time to realise that there are people who actively enjoy getting other people to pay for things. It’s an end in itself. It’s nothing to do with being rich or poor and not stinginess really either. It’s the thrill of not paying, like it’s an achievement. No insight into how it makes other people perceive them. They got someone else to pay and that’s all that matters. I think it’s engrained in families so they find it very hard to see it’s not ok even when it’s pointed out to them.

That is the balance though, stingy with himself as well as others.
I need relatively little in the way of buying objects compared to most, whereas if I spent lots on my hobbies but begrudged others it would be a concern.

BTW the person I know like this is adorable in other ways but a nightmare to be in a relationship with

So really you want different things/experiences. Sharing lifestyle little pleasures is important and you are clearly not compatible.

I found this was how he was also, but you just have to tell him when to spend I think.

For example you could say "shall we go to Cornwall this weekend?" If he says yes, just say that it costs X amount and how he prefers to pay, on his own, or to send you his part?

It's also hia view on the world, maybe he was brought up to think women should be paying 50/50 and for him not to offer any more, as he may be giving more in other ways.

I think you should see how it goes and if it is worth it, if you are losing out overall, dump the guy, but if he is amazing in other ways maybe give him a chance, at least a little longer.

@Whatinthedoopla I also believe in women paying their share as stated. But I have paid far more than that and he was happy to stand by and let me do so!