Would you find this level of stinginess unacceptable?

[WhingeyStingey]

I've been dating a man for a couple of months. He has many lovely qualities but has described himself as "tight" with money (although will happily spend ££££ on his hobbies).

For reference, I'm all about equity and have paid half for every meal we have had in restaurants. I also bought our coffees on our first date as he had travelled further (only 25 minutes though in total).

I've noticed the following behaviours which, frankly, have turned me off;

1. The first time he came to my house he turned up empty-handed. We had decided to cook a meal together and I had bought all the food, nice Gu desserts and alcohol. He did message on his way to ask if I needed anything picking up from the shop for the meal but obviously I had already got everything by that point. If it were me, I would have come with a bottle of wine or flowers (if a female friend).

1. That same evening, we nipped to the local pub after the meal and he let me pay for the drinks (we just had one each). I offered to pay so I guess it was my fault but now feel he should have paid as I had laid on the all food/dinks at my house.

1. We went for a meal and then to a fancy cinema. He drove (20 mins). I paid for parking (£10!) . We split the meal bill. The cinema tickets were on me as I have a membership and get 6 "free" tickets a year. We had a drink in the cinema and again, he let me pay. He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!

Maybe it's me that has the problem and I should just stop offering. I'm quite a generous person and don't usually keep score but I've started to with him due to noticing these behaviour patterns. Would you be bothered by his tightness?

True. Men get worse with age 😊

He’s most definitely tight and likes to make it known where he stands. This would be a massive turn off for me.

He’s not stingy per se, as you say he’s happy to spend money on things he wants to do (like his hobbies). If it was pure stinginess, he wouldn’t spend money on anything.

The problem is that his hobbies are things that you are not (presumably) interested in and aren’t things you can do together.

Nope. Definitely not! If he needs it explaining, it’s too late. Dump him.

Sorry, what?

What are you getting out of this relationship? And how quickly can you end it?

If you're always offering, there's either a vacuum of silence you need to fill, or you just have diabolically low self-esteem.

When you're with someone you really like, you're focussed on them. You want to delight them, you're interested in them, you're on your best behaviour. They are equally so - if it's a good match.

Why don't you set your sights higher and find someone you really like, who inspires you, who you could fall in love with?

It sounds like you can pay your own way. So demand a partner who also has something worthwhile to bring to the table. Because seriously, if you want that partnership for a lifetime, you have to respect, like and deeply love your partner.

Life is not "entitlement" and "offended". There are still a lot of people who work hard, have integrity, and have goals, and impress people. So try to find one of those.

But if you're on such a low point - you only get one life and it's pretty short - and you're only young once - when you die, what is the one thing that means something to you of a life well spent?

I think it would always have been a constant battle if you had stayed with him. People who are tight with money tend to stay tight and they know exactly what they are doing. I have known a couple of mean people and it’s like a game of how little can they get away with spending. Everything is pre thought out, like making sure not to walk up to the bar first, paying for the cheaper round/meal/ tickets etc. You would have been wondering what stingy trick he was going to pull every time you met. Good luck.

If you have kids with him, he might be just like my "dad" and never want to buy clothes for them. We three girls had to share 4 outfits a year all through school and were bullied on a daily basis because he didn't want to buy clothes for us. And for those who may ask why we didn't buy our own clothes, we were not allowed to take Driver's Ed, get after-school jobs, or have any friends or a social life.

I hate stinginess..it doesn’t bode well. It must be getting to you as you’re posting here. Red flag definitely….

My mum always told me a man who is mean with his money will be mean with everything including his love. Get rid, nothing worse than a tight arse man.

I would disagree. Stinginess is how you treat OTHERS, not how you treat YOURSELF. My "dad" sure wasn't stingy with himself. He made sure that he got a new car every 2 years and his closet was literally stuffed with shirts. I know because it was our job to hang up his clean shirts.

If you otherwise like him, I’d give him one last chance, but make sure you wait until he offers to buy you a drink/coffee. I’d he doesn’t, and you want a drink just buy for yourself and if he asks, tell him you assumed he mustn’t want one since he didn’t offer! At the very least, this would be the opportunity for a conversation about it.
Very rude to turn up for a meal empty handed - I always bring wine, beer & flowers if we’re going for dinner as a couple/family, or wine & flowers if it’s just me at a girl friend’s. I think you’re being overly generous and he’s being overly mean!

Now that you've noticed it, you'll be looking out for it and it will make you bitter. He's only tight on things he doesn't see a value in paying for but, as you say, will gladly spend on his hobbies. I think he is very selfish. My ex was like this. He would go halves on something if he got to choose which one etc. My advice is quit while you're ahead and don't invest any more time and money on him. Trying to discuss it with him will get you nowhere because he doesn't hold you in high enough regard.

What you are prepared to accept will continue. If you like him in all other ways sit him down and tell him how you feel because how you feel is totally understandable, anyone would feel the same. If he understands, accepts and changes great, if not you have your answer and the decision is made for you. Good luck with sorting this out.

@AllyArty - this is so true actually, and another way of looking at it IS a form
of trickery, sleight of hand, it is, essentially, dishonest behaviour. I bet this man
was well pleased with himself going home with his IKEA pan, as though he had
won a round, secured a prize, not concerned that it was through deceitful means.

You keep offering but I suspect he waits for you to offer.

This is him when he's trying to impress you imagine when you get comfortable

Ugh. That sort of stinginess is very unsexy.

If you go out with him again, DON’T offer to pay for anything. See what happens.

Yup it’d turn me right off. I wouldn’t be with someone tight, it’s just not for me

@WhingeyStingey I want to reassure you that there are still good men available, even when you are 40, or even 50! Be clear in your own mind what kind of man you want, what you are looking for, and communicate that. My online dating experience is a bit dated, I know, as I found my now-husband a decade ago when I was over 50. I used OkCupid, as there was so much scope for a lengthy profile, and the questions algorithm seemed to work reasonably well, offering up men with shared values. Ignore the stupid questions, and answer only the ones that resonate with you, add caveats where needed. Be picky, because you can! You are worth it!

Been here several times. You sound similar to me, in that you yourself don’t want to seem tight or unequal so you go about offering when you should have stepped back and “allowed” him (made him step up). Th et dont change, in fact it’s likely to stay the same and grate on you as time goes on. Unfortunately, you have inadvertently set the pace, a pace the man is quite happy to accept. If he was for “equality “ too then he would be trying harder to pay his way. I’ve had several of these types and it never gets any better.

@JeannetteBlue

Appreciate your very different POV where "we had arguments about whether or not to get the little treats/meals rather than about who pays for them."

OP specifically covered the very different position that "He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!"

I can respect people who discuss whether to have the treat, that is really not what is being described here.

He's telling you he is tight so you don't expect him to pay for you but then he doesn't even pay for himself very often!

This will never end unless he is receptive to a chat. Do you want to spend your life arguing over who's turn out is to buy something?

Adding up the pence each day??

You’ve got to get better at this, more assertive, otherwise you’re going to get this again and again with all the other tightarses. You don’t need to order just for yourself, but when you get to the bar first (because you will, because they know to linger back) then you turn to him and smile sweetly and say “your round”. But tbh , he’s not worth the effort, if it bugs you now, how’s it going to be when his good looks and other charms have worn off with the novelty.

Next time you re in the pub, just say “ mines a gin and tonic, thanks” and see what happens

The pub was bad, he should have insisted on getting the drinks in after you cooked a meal.

Agree he could’ve brought flowers or good bottle of wine, regardless of you not ‘needing’ anything.

Parking and various other things, you are now significantly out of pocket, he’s a free loader but already knows it.

Tell him dating him is an expensive hobby!