Would you find this level of stinginess unacceptable?

[WhingeyStingey]

I've been dating a man for a couple of months. He has many lovely qualities but has described himself as "tight" with money (although will happily spend ££££ on his hobbies).

For reference, I'm all about equity and have paid half for every meal we have had in restaurants. I also bought our coffees on our first date as he had travelled further (only 25 minutes though in total).

I've noticed the following behaviours which, frankly, have turned me off;

1. The first time he came to my house he turned up empty-handed. We had decided to cook a meal together and I had bought all the food, nice Gu desserts and alcohol. He did message on his way to ask if I needed anything picking up from the shop for the meal but obviously I had already got everything by that point. If it were me, I would have come with a bottle of wine or flowers (if a female friend).

1. That same evening, we nipped to the local pub after the meal and he let me pay for the drinks (we just had one each). I offered to pay so I guess it was my fault but now feel he should have paid as I had laid on the all food/dinks at my house.

1. We went for a meal and then to a fancy cinema. He drove (20 mins). I paid for parking (£10!) . We split the meal bill. The cinema tickets were on me as I have a membership and get 6 "free" tickets a year. We had a drink in the cinema and again, he let me pay. He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!

Maybe it's me that has the problem and I should just stop offering. I'm quite a generous person and don't usually keep score but I've started to with him due to noticing these behaviour patterns. Would you be bothered by his tightness?

Yes, I saw that. I'm still cringing at his stinginess though.

@IdaPolly or a bachelors delight, a microwave oven!

Yes I bet he cooked the potato in a microwave so why not the beans?

@IdaPolly he has not felt able to splash out on a microwave to date. I assume he cooked the spud in the oven. Or in a hangi pit in the garden.

@SOxon I'm sorry to hear how dire your ex was. Horrendous.
Glad he is an ex. X

I'm surprised as it costs more to cook a potato in an oven.

He could still have grown up poor or been influenced by very tight parents.

As a very privileged teen and young adult, I had very little patience for people I perceived as tight (much less tight than the guy you spoke about really!) who were just budgeting.

As an adult, I have more sympathy/awareness now of how a scarcity mindset can really set in.

Anyway if his personality is really attractive otherwise I'd discuss it and see if he changes (permanently). If he doesn't have much else going for him, let him find a fellow tightwad. I'm not even being sarcastic when I say I know some happy miserly couples that enjoy being tight together.

@FluentFatball I had a frugal upbringing yet have grown into a generous adult. As previous posters have said, it's one thing to be tight but quite another to take advantage of someone else's generosity. And don't forget, he has spent £100s on his hobbies and treats himself to high-quality meals in restaurants.

I don't think OP would have minded if he'd not wanted things because he was frugal. But its this sort of comment
"He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!"

@Fathomless thank you for your nice reply -

Yes absolutely.
How I wish I had listened more intently, and understood.

Another of her favourites, as an advantage of marrying young, was
“men are like puppies, you have to get them young and train them”

If this is how he is at the beginning of dating it isnt going to get any better.

Red flag, get rid.

Yuk, my brother is so tight and that's the reason he's always been single. It's very unattractive especially as he's happy to take it off you. I'm all for paying your own way but sorry to say OP he is taking the piss. I would bin before you get too invested (, pardon the pun).

Yup - he sounds like a tight wad. ‘Doesn’t usually get coffee out but will if some else pays’ - I would be reaching for my coat at that point.

Being mean is never just about money, that’s just the visible tip of the iceberg. Give it time and you’ll see he’s also mean with his time, his compliments, his kindness. Someone who is this cheap early on and unashamedly so, does not have a generous - or fair - heart. He’s waving more red flags for you than a communist parade … don’t mistake it for a carnival. A hard no from me!

I've been in exactly the same situation. I tried to turn to face my friend, or date, I cant remember, but when I did, every avenue shut on us in this really stand out situation in regards to inequality of money. I didn't see him again, but I wish I could've done. The situation turned out that if we didn't see each other again, the money uneqalness would be righted, but I knew there wouldn't be another opportunity for us to date. It was frustrating. I've been in another situation in which a man was over giving me money and I had to tell him to stop. He looked drugged or drunk or something, but currently wasn't. I was worried. I didn't see him again either. I read recently an article called "Why it's good to talk to your kids about money", and my response to this post is, address the money inequality with him from an observers conversation, as if this thing was being done to you both. He brought it up himself, without any prompting but hasn't noticed the inequality yet so it might be that you're both noticing some Internet scam being done to you. Keep me posted.

Yeah I'd dump him imagine you want a lovely trip to the lake district drinks/food you'd be paying or not taking him! 🤔 it couid become very tedious.

Dump him

Dump him, end of.

You have got to be blunt and say “right I think it’s about time you pay for these drinks I’ve paid the last few times” and with other things laugh and say jokingly (but firmly) “come on tight wad buck your ideas up” .
if he remains on this frugal and letting you pay for it path, consider this is your life and your choices with that.

and consider to stop offering to pay.

Dump him. Major red flag

Run!

Meanness with money, (when perfectly solvent) is a very unattractive trait.
If you tackle him, I would bet he agrees to forensically divide every spend equally.

Oh lord, nothing that gives me the ick more than a tight arsed bloke. Get rid OP.

Dump him. He's not going to improve with age

Get rid. Not only is he tight but he’s a freeloader and is taking the piss. Can you imagine a male friend of his putting up with this?