Would you find this level of stinginess unacceptable?

[WhingeyStingey]

I've been dating a man for a couple of months. He has many lovely qualities but has described himself as "tight" with money (although will happily spend ££££ on his hobbies).

For reference, I'm all about equity and have paid half for every meal we have had in restaurants. I also bought our coffees on our first date as he had travelled further (only 25 minutes though in total).

I've noticed the following behaviours which, frankly, have turned me off;

1. The first time he came to my house he turned up empty-handed. We had decided to cook a meal together and I had bought all the food, nice Gu desserts and alcohol. He did message on his way to ask if I needed anything picking up from the shop for the meal but obviously I had already got everything by that point. If it were me, I would have come with a bottle of wine or flowers (if a female friend).

1. That same evening, we nipped to the local pub after the meal and he let me pay for the drinks (we just had one each). I offered to pay so I guess it was my fault but now feel he should have paid as I had laid on the all food/dinks at my house.

1. We went for a meal and then to a fancy cinema. He drove (20 mins). I paid for parking (£10!) . We split the meal bill. The cinema tickets were on me as I have a membership and get 6 "free" tickets a year. We had a drink in the cinema and again, he let me pay. He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!

Maybe it's me that has the problem and I should just stop offering. I'm quite a generous person and don't usually keep score but I've started to with him due to noticing these behaviour patterns. Would you be bothered by his tightness?

@WhingeyStingey this has made me wonder what happens if 2 of these people meet eachother? Ie if you met someone generous things would probably be even, taking turns to pay, buying eachother drinks etc.
But if 2 misers meet... what do they do?! Share a small starter? Only have tapwater?! Go for a (free) walk?!

Although as a host, it’s frustrating when I’ve generously catered for half a dozen random items to get added. I hate waste!! She asked for salad, do a nice salad, the booze is obligatory.

Glad you dumped OP!

Thank you. It was actually £10.50 for his bloody parking! See, now he's turned me into someone who counts every penny 😅. I actually do want to have some therapy as some of my acceptance of this behaviour relates to poor self-esteem.

All these posts have really helped. I had one friend telling me to overlook his meanness as he has other good qualities and there aren't many good men out there. But my gut told me this felt all wrong and you have all backed that up. Meanness is not a trivial matter but goes to the core of who someone is.

I've also remembered that, as I paid for the parking, he stood there as I expressed surprise at the price yet still did not offer to contribute and then went on to accept the coffee from me. Ick.

Sure you've had this comment before but as the "tight" one in this scenario, some of us were raised poor/miserly. Coffees feel like bonuses, not something to always get.
I've softened for my partner and we split things fairly, but we had arguments about whether or not to get the little treats/meals rather than about who pays for them.
I still feel like my way and your new partners way would save more money but I'm in the minority in this world.
You can try and manage the mismatch or you can break up over it, money is a significant part of relationships.

How did he react to being dumped, OP? Any response?

Bloody hell, I wonder how ‘good’ your friends relationships are. I’d rather be on my own than some of the dreadful relationships that I read about on here.

Good for you to spend your money on YOU. Therapy can be liberating.

😂 ok, glad it was the cheapest ikea pan, may his beans forever burn and stick!

You're too nice! In all seriousness it's great you're becoming much more aware of this and open to change. Good luck with the therapy. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need, it's a confident and attractive trait! X

Also, dear god, the thought of a middle aged man stirring his can of baked beans heating them up in a pan he cajoled out of a new [ex]girlfriend....all whilst in his SECOND owned property....it's just too pathetic -!!!! Textbook miser. Ffs!

My mum always told me to avoid stingy men
I don't think she'd have thought much of : "I had one friend telling me to overlook his meanness as he has other good qualities and there aren't many good men out there."
I wouldn't take any advice from that friend whose standards seem to be in the gutter.

This will never work op as these people will sit in/never spend. Its hard to say to people your tight. With my friend I only meet every few months and just buy my own drinks. Holidays be miserable as they would watch the prices. She dither in cinema too so I said yep ticket for one. Lol

OP, here is your therapy -
Chris GQ Perry/ relationshipadvice on youtube, comes up in my ‘shorts’ regularly,part of my current algorithm, probably because I subscribed,
can highly recommend for his succinct delivery, encapsulating a theme,
doesn’t ramble.

I don’t know how to post a link, sorry.

I wasn’t sure at first, being cynical - I’m now an avid disciple - of the
”how does he know these things, but anyway, delighted he is sharing”
variety,

Careful of friends who are happy for you to be in a miserable relationship like them or so you're worse than them.

A good friend wouldn't tell you to settle.

I realise she might not know the level of meanness as you've probably talked him up on his good points more.

what my Gran used to call “ thick skinned and hard faced “ ha ha
I miss her wisdoms,
Another gem was “ words cost nothing “ as in actions speak louder than words
and a favourite,

“respect is the bottom line”
you didn’t respect this man, how could you? no respect, no anything

@Treesandsheepeverywhere I had a friend who was very attractive, divorced,
own lovely home, in her forties, took up with an academic who was meanness itself, some of the things he did made us gasp.
Of course we all advised her to dump him, her response was,
“he is better than nothing!”
then he left her for a rich widow

And that bit about him mentioning that he will buy some expensive bits of kitchenware would annoy me no end. I've met like that, will spend hundreds on themselves and their hobbies but begrudge buying you a coffee.

I remember a guy I dated who had offered to cook me a meal. I asked him what I could bring and he asked for a £50 bottle of whisky! No way was I doing that so I just brought wine. He’d cooked us sausage and mash! 😂There are so many tight arses out there. I think they try and take advantage of us women wanting to pay our own way.

The thing to remember is you don’t “need” a man. Therefore there’s no need to accept a substandard one through fear of not finding anyone better. I used to be guilty of the same thing but I realised I would rather be single than to accept less than I deserve.

Deformed it - tightness is so unattractive

Your gran sounds absolutely amazing, these are gems to live by. Especially respect being the bottom line. so much heartache not to mention abuse could be avoided with that one rule.

Him telling you he was tight was a warning to you from him of not to expect this from him because he told you he was tight initially. Yuk!
I used to buy exes stuff, drinks, meals , cinema, days out etc..i realized i was being taken for a cash cow...as soon as i stopped, relationship finished. I tested him yep... Was fed up with spending when he lapped it up. I also stopped when i realized whilst i was spending on him he had saved a nice little nest egg...which in turn he used to treat his new squeeze lol. Id never ever do it again...ever. if you organise to go to go out together say itll cost how much each, no buying him stuff. If he forgets wallet, walk out and only pay for yours. He won't forget again..if he does.. more fool him.
I did this.... First time he forgot wallet...i paid begrudgingly...Second time he told me he left his card at home after paying for something on Internet...i paid for mine only...said oh dear you should go home and get it then. I left and never saw him again

Leftover curry?! He could have made sandwiches. Far too stingy

@SOxon your gran sounds so wise. Respect really is everything. When I lost respect for my ex-H, the attraction died too. He was tight too u less it benefitted himself.

@WhingeyStingey 09:34 your last sentence is outstanding, it does indeed
go to their core.
I have written it in my diary.

My husband when our youngest daughter was born, reluctantly!
at my behest, took out a fixed term, 10 years, life insurance
for 200,000£ as he said that would be more than enough.
We separated when our youngest daughter was nine.

Husband bought a high powered motorbike.

Second thing he did was cancel the policy, costing about 12£ a month.
When challenged he said, “there is nothing in it for me, I’m paying out
all this money every month but if I die you lot would get all my money
Ive been paying in all these years.”

sometimes these men can leave you speechless

I had foolishly mentioned that I might have a few spare kitchen items he could have. After one of his stingy incidents, i felt less charitable so didn't mention the pans again. He then told me he couldn't make baked beans with his jacket potato as he still didn't have a pan at his place.

I'm cringing so hard at this. I'm imagining him sitting eating a plain baked potato because he wants a free pan from you and not to buy one from a supermarket.

Op has dumped him and what a lucky escape she’s had. You never know the next one might buy you a drink OP 😉 all the best with your future dating