Would you find this level of stinginess unacceptable?

[WhingeyStingey]

I've been dating a man for a couple of months. He has many lovely qualities but has described himself as "tight" with money (although will happily spend ££££ on his hobbies).

For reference, I'm all about equity and have paid half for every meal we have had in restaurants. I also bought our coffees on our first date as he had travelled further (only 25 minutes though in total).

I've noticed the following behaviours which, frankly, have turned me off;

1. The first time he came to my house he turned up empty-handed. We had decided to cook a meal together and I had bought all the food, nice Gu desserts and alcohol. He did message on his way to ask if I needed anything picking up from the shop for the meal but obviously I had already got everything by that point. If it were me, I would have come with a bottle of wine or flowers (if a female friend).

1. That same evening, we nipped to the local pub after the meal and he let me pay for the drinks (we just had one each). I offered to pay so I guess it was my fault but now feel he should have paid as I had laid on the all food/dinks at my house.

1. We went for a meal and then to a fancy cinema. He drove (20 mins). I paid for parking (£10!) . We split the meal bill. The cinema tickets were on me as I have a membership and get 6 "free" tickets a year. We had a drink in the cinema and again, he let me pay. He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!

Maybe it's me that has the problem and I should just stop offering. I'm quite a generous person and don't usually keep score but I've started to with him due to noticing these behaviour patterns. Would you be bothered by his tightness?

Very unattractive trait
He’s taking the piss, and knows it.
Get rid

Yuk. Glad you dumped him. Dh used to work with a guy like this. He was such a free loader. Some former colleagues moved to different places around the globe and he sponged off them when visiting. Have now lost contact. But he’d turn up to lavish parties bringing beer, nothing else, drank all our booze, ate all our food, slept in our bed then took his beer back home again.

Let somebody else suffer this meanie. Don't let it be you.

Too tight for me, he should have paid for the parking too as you got the cinema tickets ( even if membership).
I hate ponces. X

I would be upfront and say to him too, I like you but your level of tightness is too tight for me. X

Sounds like a friend of DH's. He used to stay with us every year for a week to participate in a sporting thing. He'd come, not bring a thing. not lift a finger, moan about my cooking, not shout us a bottle of wine or a meal out and this went on for a good 7 years. Final straw was when DH went to his for a single night because of a job interview he was doing in the area and his 'friend' told him 'well you'll be taking us out to dinner won't you?'. DH genuinely saw nothing wrong with this until i pointed out ALL the dinners we had bought or cooked or provided for him over the years plus suffering his presence for 8 days a year.

Get rid of him. I don't understand why you're asking and haven't already, unless he's amazingly handsome, charming, entertaining and sexy, He reminds me of my first wife's husband who never bought a drink in all the years I knew him, The miserable sod.

Nah, get rid. I HATE stingy men …..

Sounds like my ex, along with the lack of sexual partners. Mean, self-centred man-baby! Sadly, there are a lot of them out there. You’ve done well to be rid of him. If you get the chance, do tell him why though. Save other women from his behaviour. They pick their victims partners well.

First out the cab and last to the bar, he won’t change. If it’s bothering you now it’s only going to get worse.

Just catching up. Thanks again for the replies. For those who missed it, I ended it yesterday and feel much better. I will never again date a stingy/freeloading/thoughtless man.

To answer some questions, yes we both have jobs and are professionals. He earns much more than me.

To the poster who claims this has been posted before... I can assure you it has not although I expect many women have encountered such men. It seems there are many of these tight-arses walking amongst us.

Well done for ending it OP.
He knew what he was doing and will know why he's been dumped.
You wouldn't accept it from a new friend, so definitely don't make excuses for a potential husband.
I've dated a stingy guy who was a trust fund baby, with 5k a month from his family as spending money. He also had a good job with decent pay.
He never mentioned the trust fund, always split bills and let me pay outright for a lot of things.
Only found out by chance when he left his bank statement out.
Lost attraction straight away as some times I was working 80 hour weeks, always tired and pretty much doing all the life admin.
I can totally understand him not wanting to be taken advantage of, but we dated for three years and he only fully paid for a meal less than five times.
He was a good cook but just ok in bed too.
I was a fool to let it last so long, even without the TF part.
My now husband couldn't be more generous, he was a tinder rare find and we are now in our 6th year.
There are good men out there, don't settle and good luck with the therapy.

@BreatheAndFocus I may tell him why but only if he asks. He did reply to my dumping text and was polite but disappointed at my decision. I've just said there were incompatibilities and avoided specifics.

As others have said, his level of tightness is well ingrained and I doubt could ever be eradicated. It seems to go hand in hand with thoughtlessness too which he has displayed on a number of occasions.

Ugh! The cinema story alone! You paid parking, supplied the tickets and he even let you buy the coffee? 🤨
What a user!
Get rid.

Oh I'm so glad you found a Tinder gem! I can totally see why you lost attraction for Trust Fund Baby. And life is too short for just ok sex!

I'm taking time out from dating for a bit and then will be ruthless in weeding out the mean, the thoughtless and the mediocre lovers! If that means staying single then so be it.

Oh. Just saw your update 😂🎉

Won't fork out for a coffee but will happily accept one is the most annoying because that gives him a get out for ever buying you anything. Oh well I wouldn't have had it if it wasn't for you! I wouldn't want to continue with that because if he is this comfortable being tight at the start imagine what he will be like after a few years.

I know! I'm an idiot. I'm always so careful not to take advantage of people e.g my DS is out with a friend today to an attraction and I've already told the mum I will pay for admission etc as she is taking them. I hate not paying my way. When I think of how this "man" behaved on dates and how I would have behaved in his shoes, I realise what a mug I have been. Lessons have been learned.

Politeness, awkwardness, people-pleasing, inexperience with dating. Also, it took a while to notice his cheapness.

Oh, OP it took me over 3 years to notice my ex bf was a total user. For exact same reasons you mention above.
Divorced man with kids as well. I steer well clear now. In fact no interest in dating ever since we broke up a year ago.

Just focus on yourself and enjoy being alone before dipping your toes in dating world.

He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!

This made me feel rage 😂

And then he's trying to steal your pans! He could go to Asda and pick up on for like £5 for his shitty beans.

Well done, OP - I followed this thread with interest. He stated his case right at the beginning, shame you didn’t respond with “me too!”
Meanness is so unattractive, as posters have said, mean spirited, mean in bed also.
it isn’t manly to expect and allow a woman to pay and keep paying and provide, without putting his hand in his pocket, when a man’s instincts are to cherish a lady, not bring her left over curry for heavens sake, this was quite symbolic - leftovers.

There are some shrewd posters on here! thanks ladies, I’ve learned a few
new tricks today, hoping I never have to apply them of course.

I asked a man why he came to my house empty handed, not even flowers,
his expression changed in an instant, then shouted! in my face,
when was the last time a man bought YOU flowers?
Nothing redeems meanness does it.

Get your pan back 😂

As for pan-gate, I did offer but he was clearly then fixated on getting my pans and kept mentioning it. I was going to give him more pans plus an old kettle, tin opener and bowl. Ha! He will never have them now. He can weep into his beans in the the cheap IKEA pan he got from me.

UGH! Good for you for ending it so soon. I once was with a man like this for two YEARS, because I hadn’t the self esteem or courage to speak up at all. He sponged odd me, and was horrible in bed. He would tell me to get dressed up for our anniversary, and I thought “oh hooray, he’s finally taking me on a date,” and he walked around town with me. Walked around. Looking in shops. Bought himself a juice and offered me a sip.
he was a good cook, too- I almost wondered if you were dating the same guy (but the ages don’t match up. So ew, there are more of them out there!)

he was so awful, and he would yell if I tried to gently and kindly bring up anything I needed - in bed or otherwise.

I am still angry about how long I stayed with this creep!

so he proud you ended it. That’s valuing yourself. Good for you!

OP we are modern women who pay our way, but don’t want to be taken for a mug.
Besides which, it isn’t manly to stand there and let the lady pay - there have been
a few threads here lately describing this occurrence.
Who pays £10 parking for someone else? a kindly mug, that is who.
You don’t need therapists, come talk to us (save a fortune)

My husband was mean, it’s a form of selfishness, self absorbed as someone ^^said.
I think we are all mad about your pan!

You are not an idiot, but generous and people will take advantage.

I