Would you find this level of stinginess unacceptable?

[WhingeyStingey]

I've been dating a man for a couple of months. He has many lovely qualities but has described himself as "tight" with money (although will happily spend ££££ on his hobbies).

For reference, I'm all about equity and have paid half for every meal we have had in restaurants. I also bought our coffees on our first date as he had travelled further (only 25 minutes though in total).

I've noticed the following behaviours which, frankly, have turned me off;

1. The first time he came to my house he turned up empty-handed. We had decided to cook a meal together and I had bought all the food, nice Gu desserts and alcohol. He did message on his way to ask if I needed anything picking up from the shop for the meal but obviously I had already got everything by that point. If it were me, I would have come with a bottle of wine or flowers (if a female friend).

1. That same evening, we nipped to the local pub after the meal and he let me pay for the drinks (we just had one each). I offered to pay so I guess it was my fault but now feel he should have paid as I had laid on the all food/dinks at my house.

1. We went for a meal and then to a fancy cinema. He drove (20 mins). I paid for parking (£10!) . We split the meal bill. The cinema tickets were on me as I have a membership and get 6 "free" tickets a year. We had a drink in the cinema and again, he let me pay. He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!

Maybe it's me that has the problem and I should just stop offering. I'm quite a generous person and don't usually keep score but I've started to with him due to noticing these behaviour patterns. Would you be bothered by his tightness?

Exactly. I like to pay my way and would feel uncomfortable letting a man pay for me all the time. But he took advantage of my kindness.

My ex was like this, never invited to his house, me cooking, buying the food, buying the drinks. He’d just stand there and I’d just go and pay out of sheer embarrassment. Takeaways as well always me paying, never once offered. Believe me op - they never change and it slowly gets at you. He was also childless, I was a single mum and he earned way more than me

This behaviour would be a massive red flag for me OP.
He's gotta go.

Well done for ending it.

DH has a mate who is tight. If he dropped a 50p it would hit him on the back of his head when he bent down to pick it up.

He's happy to accept good quality food & drink but doesn't want to pay for it.
Dh is a naturally generous person but this bloke takes the pi$$ & really annoys me.

He's definitely got worse as he's got older.

It does not matter what other Mumsnetters think.

It's whether YOU can live with him letting you, encouraging you, or insisting on you, paying more than your 50% share of the expenses of dating.

My only advice to you is that THIS WON'T CHANGE and will probably get worse. Men are on their best behaviour at the beginning of a relationship, and if this is how he is now, he will get worse.

Are YOU happy to pay more than half, possibly 3/4 and maybe one day, ALL?

@Thecatistheboss Why did you get together with him? Was there a reason this was OK?

Sound like a man child...not relationship material.

He’s literally told you he’s happy to accept hospitality. He’s a taker. Either you have a chat about 50/50 splits (and he may well say he won’t bother if he has to shell out) or carry on as you are or end things or stop and see what happens. I think he might stump up a few times if you stop, get fed up, reel you in and then stop paying.

God, I couldn’t be bothered.

In the sea with him. Like a few of us, older generation, sadly, raised to be over polite & not make a fuss & always make sure a man feels comfortable.

And worse is, I predicted how he'd be, so similar to you OP, not offering to be decent/fair on our very first date. It never changed & a lot of these tight types then ramp up and use emotional manipulation.
I've changed. A lot. I hope the same for you & other recovering 'let's not make a fuss' /'good girls'.

Run for the hills. Now.

In my experience these sorts of behaviours are very deeply held & im afraid for me it would be a deal breaker. Selfish.

Yep I would find this a massive turn off, if he is like that now in flush of a new relationship then its only going to get worse.

Some people just really mean. Or oh I get it next time) now I just bring loose cash for coffee with friend. I wont pay for tickets as she wont pay up. Lesson learnt. Cost living now I cant be a mug for others

well done for dumping this one.

If this is what he’s like now when he should’ve been trying to impress you imagine what he’d be like down the track!

If you don't call him out on this meanness it will build up in you until one day you will explode. I had a boyfriend just like that but I was too embarrassed to say anything. Little things like standing at the bar with the bar person asking what you'd like and he'd look into the distance so I always stepped forward and asked him what he'd like.

And he obviously knows that. He knows your a soft touch and using it to his advantage. He's obviously never going to return the gesture. So you just pay your own way and leave him to order his own. Make an excuse when you get in there say you just need to nip to the loo. See if he gets you a drink but I doubt he will.

I've seen you've now dumped him, but if you find yourself in the situation again, sometimes you have to start being direct about your expectations as obviously the normal social rules of engagement have bypassed some men.

If he asks if he can bring something to dinner, "Yes please, bring a bottle of (whatever you're drinking)."

If you're going for a drink, "I think it's your round!"

The reaction would make all the difference to me, if he pays up without any grumbling and doesn't seem to mind, I probably wouldn't mind doing the extra mental labour of "teaching" him what I expect (although some women wouldn't want to which is 100% fair). If he tried to wiggle out of it, that would be it for me.

We do have a friend a lot like this and eventually after one too many CF incidents I just told him straight that his frugality was getting a bit offensive and you can't turn up to dinner, drink half a bottle of wine and then leave and he was going to have to start putting something in.

He is single in his 50s and I'm not sure if it's chicken or egg with him, perhaps a wife/gf would have taught him to put his hand in his pocket ("Yes, I know they said we didn't HAVE to bring something, but Mrs Sunshine cooks for us a lot, so we're taking a bottle of wine and some flowers anyway," "No dear, we're not letting them pay for this round of drinks, we've spent all evening at theirs.") or whether he puts women off with his tightness. :/

It took a while to work out, but now you’ve got shot of him good 🤞

He said his house smells weird so I had even picked him up some incense and a holder

Just why? Very sweet gesture on your part, but a bit too generous. And why does his house smell (another ew).

First dates: as they say “let them tell you who they are!!” There’s really no hurry. Just listen 👂(Bitter experience here obviously of not listening properly!)

Also don’t cook for them early on 😉

Don't waste your breathe.

He squeaks when he walks.

tell him to buy his own coffees from now on, you're outa here.

DH is a tight arse, and would happily sit and let others pay. Only he doesn't get away with it - I challenge him every time, especially if we're out with our DC. And even his friends now tell him to get his wallet out and set some moths free. It's a really unattractive quality in people. You've done the right thing.

It would actually be really beneficial for you to do exactly this. You need to build up callous for things like this otherwise you'll be a doormat.

*order for yourself I mean.

Glad he’s dumped!

Ask him to return your pan!

I'm clenching my bum cheeks just reading your OP @WhingeyStingey. I am literally the opposite end of the scale and probably a little too generous but I simply cannot abide stinginess. I hate it. It says a lot about a person as they are normally mean spirited as well. I think it takes an exceptionally thick skin, a lack of consideration and fundamentally not giving a fuck about other people to go to such lengths to save a few pennies. You are worth way more than this OP. It's not about being obsessed with money or reciprocal generosity, it's about being a decent human being.

You went to personal expense to furnish forth a meal and he didn't even have the basic decency to arrive with drinks and/or flowers? I mean it's very very basic common courtesy. And as for not drinking coffee unless someone else buys it? What a miserable, sad individual. Dump him and I wouldn't do him the honour of explaining why.

So sorry, didn't read the full thread. Well done @WhingeyStingey, you deserve so much more!