Would you find this level of stinginess unacceptable?

[WhingeyStingey]

I've been dating a man for a couple of months. He has many lovely qualities but has described himself as "tight" with money (although will happily spend ££££ on his hobbies).

For reference, I'm all about equity and have paid half for every meal we have had in restaurants. I also bought our coffees on our first date as he had travelled further (only 25 minutes though in total).

I've noticed the following behaviours which, frankly, have turned me off;

1. The first time he came to my house he turned up empty-handed. We had decided to cook a meal together and I had bought all the food, nice Gu desserts and alcohol. He did message on his way to ask if I needed anything picking up from the shop for the meal but obviously I had already got everything by that point. If it were me, I would have come with a bottle of wine or flowers (if a female friend).

1. That same evening, we nipped to the local pub after the meal and he let me pay for the drinks (we just had one each). I offered to pay so I guess it was my fault but now feel he should have paid as I had laid on the all food/dinks at my house.

1. We went for a meal and then to a fancy cinema. He drove (20 mins). I paid for parking (£10!) . We split the meal bill. The cinema tickets were on me as I have a membership and get 6 "free" tickets a year. We had a drink in the cinema and again, he let me pay. He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!

Maybe it's me that has the problem and I should just stop offering. I'm quite a generous person and don't usually keep score but I've started to with him due to noticing these behaviour patterns. Would you be bothered by his tightness?

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist he had been living in a house share until very recently. He had to evict his tenant to then move into his second home.

I felt bad so said I would make sure to give him the pan next time I saw him

Next time a grown-ass adult with a good income tells you they haven't got any pans at their new place, you say, "Oh, I saw some nice ones at [shop] the other day, maybe you should have a look at buying some of those?"

Or if you want to be harsh (which I would when confronted with such a pathetic adult), you could say, "Oh really? What's stopping you ordering some from Lakeland/John Lewis/etc.?"

And then you move the conversation on.

And he didn't have to cook and use pans in his house share? Or was he just sponging off his housemates?

Nah, none of this excuses it. Houseshares don't come with pans provided.

It takes minutes to order a pan online, and you can get next day delivery. He's a grown man who can sort his own shit out.

So unattractive

It's a mentality that would take considerable effort on his behalf to change if he actually wanted to. it's clear he isn't happy to share his resources it won't be just money, time consideration effort participation. It would be a very miserable relationship. It's not your job op to point it out to him either.

Full sympathies that it's not brimming with amazing men out there op but I'd definitely look into some therapy to make sure you're not predisposed to giving too much of your time to the wrong ones.

You may be counting your finances too what you can afford/not afford. He is doing the same. The difference is he has no goodwill or appreciation for food being bought, prepared and cooked or free cinema tickets from your efforts. Point this goodwill gesture that he lacks is the defining point between being tight and being likeable. Put a stop to his behaviour in this way. Finish with him and point out that is not the type of thoughtlessness you want in anybody. A reciprocation and acknowledgement is extremely important. Be polite and delighted to see him then let him down with a bang!

He’s the sort of bloke who much further down the line would consider Nursery fees or a cleaner not his responsibility.

Well done for ending it. To mr, it’s not just being unwilling to spend that’s the problem, but more that he’s so willing to take take take. I can accept someone saying, ‘I’m not going to have a drink because I don’t like the over priced drinks here’ but to openly and happily take from you…?

He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!

I'm afraid that I agree that this is your choice. You either resign yourself to a life of always having to ask / prompt him to do the decent thing or you throw him back now.

Think carefully, it's not going to get any better than this. If you are (like the GF mentioned upthread) happy to always have to prompt him, then have at it.

It wouldn't work for me.

Yes, I wouldn't dream of being so grabby and it is so very unattractive.

Yes Yes Yes Yes it would bother me greatly.

I'm wondering if this is the exact same person I dated a year ago!!

I dumped. Couldn't get over the tightness.

I'm the same re offering to pay for things, so keen am I not to appear to be waiting for someone else to offer. But any decent person would not keep accepting.

How they can do this is beyond me- it's excruciating.

One of the last straws was then he knocked over my glass of prosecco (I'd bought the drinks of course). He offered to let me share some of his beer, which I declined. It took a good 5 mins before he grudgingly said "I should buy you a new drink really should I?" - I said he didn't have to- so he said "oh ok then"!!

Massively.

Don't do it. For the right person it won't be a problem eg someone who shares his approach. I'm married to someone so tight and it drives me up the wall. He will walk 35 mins when doing a big shop rather than drive and then I'm not allowed to complain if he doesn't buy everything because he can't carry it. Bottles are constantly watery when we get to the end of the handwash or washing up liquid to eke out the last. Tea bags are reused about 6 times. And you can't say anything- that's more about his personality than tightness but I wish I hadn't married him. I'm no big spender but I don't want to feel guilty for buying fresh rather than frozen strawberries

Never paid for a date in my life. My husband always paid as he’s a gentleman. Dump this one, he’s plain miserly and does not know how to treat a lady.

Well done for dumping him, he's not just tight he's a user. Had one of these myself and it's just such a bloody vile way to treat someone.

This is unbearable. I can't stand stinginess. You are not wrong here.

Just remembered another thing! On the first date, when I was paying for our coffees. The barista asked what size we wanted. I looked at him and he said "I'll have a large." Cheeky fucker.

Did you tell him why he was being dumped?

Doubt it's the same as this one only separated from his wife late last year. Or so he says

He sounds awful. A massive turn off. Nothing worse than feeling your generosity is being taken advantage of. He should have been trying to press you at this stage. Not taking and not reciprocating.
Have you heard from him again?

Why have you stayed with him, this joy sucker.
Life isn't a dress rehearsal. You've only one chance at it.
Are you happy to grow old with your very own Mr Scrooge ?

I know you’ve ended it now (sounds wise). And I know everyone has their faults and people who seek perfection may be unrealistic. But, for what it’s worth, what strikes me is his lack of generosity of spirit/consideration. Someone who doesn’t spend unnecessarily is one thing. But ‘bar hangers’ (as I call folk who never offer first but hang back) aren’t considering their companion or wanting to treat them. Someone who turns up at someone’s home without even a little (cheap or free) token isn’t wanting to make their host feel appreciated and special. That thoughtless (rather than thoughtful) approach to others might not stop at purchases. It’s likely to permeate into emotional or physical thoughtlessness too. You, on the other hand, sound like a v thoughtful person. In an equal relationship, you should expect that to be reciprocated.

Give him a gentle shove when you are in the bar and say,' glass of wine please'. See what happens.
Also, I did lunch, coffee's on you, and similar. If he doesn't take the hint, lost cause.

I do understand if someone isn't or doesn't want to pay out for drinks and so on if they can't or not the type to pay for these things but then I'd expect them not to keep taking from someone else, that's the rude part. Op this is very rude and thoughtless. I wouldn't bother seeing this man again and it's not because he didn't pay for your food and drinks its because he keeps letting you pay and if he's too stupid to remember how many times you've paid and still have to the face to say yes please I'll have one then the man has issues. That said its not nice to be tight like this but he could have been forgiven if he wasn't taking the mick with you.

@EdithBond thank you. I am thoughtful and generous in relationships and that has rarely been reciprocated. He said his house smells weird so I had even picked him up some incense and a holder which I would have given him today. I'm definitely going to be more discerning from now on.