Would you find this level of stinginess unacceptable?

[WhingeyStingey]

I've been dating a man for a couple of months. He has many lovely qualities but has described himself as "tight" with money (although will happily spend ££££ on his hobbies).

For reference, I'm all about equity and have paid half for every meal we have had in restaurants. I also bought our coffees on our first date as he had travelled further (only 25 minutes though in total).

I've noticed the following behaviours which, frankly, have turned me off;

1. The first time he came to my house he turned up empty-handed. We had decided to cook a meal together and I had bought all the food, nice Gu desserts and alcohol. He did message on his way to ask if I needed anything picking up from the shop for the meal but obviously I had already got everything by that point. If it were me, I would have come with a bottle of wine or flowers (if a female friend).

1. That same evening, we nipped to the local pub after the meal and he let me pay for the drinks (we just had one each). I offered to pay so I guess it was my fault but now feel he should have paid as I had laid on the all food/dinks at my house.

1. We went for a meal and then to a fancy cinema. He drove (20 mins). I paid for parking (£10!) . We split the meal bill. The cinema tickets were on me as I have a membership and get 6 "free" tickets a year. We had a drink in the cinema and again, he let me pay. He made some comment about how he doesn't generally fork out for coffee but he is always happy to accept one if someone wants to buy him one!

Maybe it's me that has the problem and I should just stop offering. I'm quite a generous person and don't usually keep score but I've started to with him due to noticing these behaviour patterns. Would you be bothered by his tightness?

Yes not nice trait. My friend can be like that. I just meet for odd coffee.. puts you off meeting these people !!

He’s a freeloading tightwad. And I’m not sure there’s a more miserable combo. Dump.

I’m more a ‘I’ll get this one, you get the next one’

Even if you offered to pay I would still state it’s my turn!

Just clarifying that when he came to my house we cooked together. I didn't cook for him but I paid for all the food, dessert, wine and his beer. He didn't finish one beer so took the half-empty bottle home with him!

I even gave him one of my pans to take home as he had nothing in his new house (yes, he owns a second property outright). I had foolishly mentioned that I might have a few spare kitchen items he could have. After one of his stingy incidents, i felt less charitable so didn't mention the pans again. He then told me he couldn't make baked beans with his jacket potato as he still didn't have a pan at his place. I felt bad so said I would make sure to give him the pan next time I saw him and he said "oh yes, I noticed you had quite a few." Then he told me he was going to buy some really high quality plates and bowls for himself!

I'mvthe same way

No need for angst with such a new relationship; having already paid for so much, just smile and say "Your turn!!" for the next few times

If he's fine with that all well and good, but if there's the slightest pushback that's the time for the discussion - or better still, just to get rid

I've ended it and feel relieved.

I paid for parking because he drove so felt it was fair.

I'm sorry, I did that annoying thing of not reading all of your posts!

You did the right thing. But it doesn't sound like you'll struggle to attract someone new. Here's hoping the next guy doesn't have a phobia of spending money.

HNRFT but I would find this so distracting. Not just with a partner but any friendship l cannot stand tightarses unless genuinely broke !

Urgh, yes, I'd be throwing that one back.

@Phantasmagorically I'm not going to look for anyone new until I've had some therapy.

As for attracting someone else, it's such a gamble. I'm late 40s and it's slim pickings out there. That's perhaps why I'm not to quick to dump these men... plus they all have had some good qualities too. So it's weighing up if the good out ways the bad! With this one, the attraction wasn't strong enough for me to overlook his miserly ways.

Well done OP . This will really help your self esteem 👍👏

I've always been happy to pay my way and even pay for those I know don't have the means and I have never quibbled over pennies, but I dumped someone over this behaviour. His car would literally run out of fuel, as he only put just enough in, and then would expect me to help fill it back up - nope. We went out to meals, with our friendship group, meals that I really struggled to afford and ended up paying an equal share for totally unequal consumption and he earned a fair amount more than I did. He moaned that I had nothing in for breakfast when he stayed over, and I did, just nothing fancy as I really was on a very tight budget, with a lone mortgage. That's not a model that anyone in my family followed and not one I would endorse. Being tight, when you have the means, is something I just wasn't prepared to put up with and he really failed to see what he'd done wrong when I dumped him!

Nothing more unattractive than a lack of generosity. I’ve just been invited to a friends for a bbq tonight-the first thing I asked after saying yes was what can I bring. She only said salad, but will also be taking a bottle of fizz, strawberries and some flowers

I can spell, honest. Just tired and headachey today.

Did you tell him why?

I'm the same way.

@CowTown no I didn't give him specifics. I just cited incompatibility. If he asks for more info, I will tell him.

Why are you offering to pay if you dont want to?

Politeness, awkwardness, people-pleasing, inexperience with dating. Also, it took a while to notice his cheapness .

Good on you for ending it! As it wasn’t just the stinginess/freeloading but you just didn’t have a good gut feeling about him.

When you do date again I suggest not offering to pay for things so much, instead suggest to split the bill. I am also generous by nature (and not used to people buying me things) but you end up with people thinking you are just a nice generous person, when in reality you are waiting for them to return the favour!

Also make your expectations clear - “oh I’d never turn up to someone’s house empty handed” “oh I always do the dishes when the other person cooks” “oh I think the driver should always pay for parking themselves” etc. etc. dropped into a conversation before the issue actually comes up. Because if you don’t tell them they’ll never know

This makes no sense... If he is dating, he must have been separated for a while (several weeks/months). So he's been living alone for some time. And if he is 'frugal', he won't be someone who spends money on takeaways or eating out for no reason, will he? So he obviously must have been cooking at home.

Was he claiming that he had been living alone for several months, but that he had been too lazy/incompetent/bad at "life admin" to buy any kitchenware for his new place? (Even though he could afford it)

And you (a) believed him, and (b) didn't dump him for being such an incapable and pathetic specimen?

Definitely seek therapy, OP.

I know what you mean but also, it seems embarrassing to split a bill for two coffees or a wine and a beer.

@WhingeyStingey - not quite the same thing but I had a friend who would take all the time (didn't need to - she and her husband earned a fortune ) but if she could get someone else to pay or give them something she would . It got very boring - not because of the individual things ( though some were ) it was the attitude of I will always let someone else pay. I bought some tickets to an event and the day before she said - I can't come but am sure you can offload them - well I couldn't so I gave them away but would not a normal person say - sorry can't use the tickets - here's my share . I also gave her a lot of things when we moved and she said I'll give you a voucher. Nothing apart from a photo of the things in her house. To me it is the attitude of just thinking - I'll just take advantage .