Jealously over sister I am NC with

[Singleandstruggling]

Me and my sister have been NC since before lockdown. There was a fall out over something my parents call 'minor' and it probably was, but both of us are stubborn and so years passed without us being in touch and us avoiding each other.

I'm not too bothered about being NC, I am over it. But I do think part of me staying NC is down to jealousy and not being able to cope with how great her life has turned out in comparison to mine.

I am the older sibling by 18 months. Growing up she looked up to me and as we got into our teens I was the first to have boyfriends and experience all that comes with it first. In our early 20s, my sister met her first and only boyfriend. He adored/adores her and they ended up getting married, getting a house together and building a life together. I went from bad relationship to bad relationship and have now been single for 5 years although I have through out that time been trying to find someone by online dating and the like, but its dire and getting worse the older I get.

One thing I was mostly sure of, was that although she had it easy in marrying her first boyfriend, I was going to be the one to give my parents a grandchild. As my sister always said she wasn't keen on the idea of having a child but I always always wanted nothing more than to be a Mum.

Now in our mid 30s, im living on my own in a shared ownership flat, working myself to death to afford things. My sister ended up having a baby and lives in a lovely home which they had renovated for their new family. Her DH has a great job, she doesn't have to work anymore and my parents dote on the baby. She has the life I wanted for myself, and I feel jealous about it all the time. I hate to admit but I almost hate her for how easy shes had it and for being able to give my parents a grandchild. Whilst I am here worrying about my biological clock, going on rubbish dates all the time.

I can't even bare to hear anything about her life anymore, and I shut my parents down whenever they mention her/grandchild. I was even there when they answered the phone to my sister the other day and being reminded of her (sis) and her life put me in a bad mood. I I know it upsets them how I am about her, I say horrible things like 'Why does she deserve this perfect life??' and have a rant and then later on feel guilty about upsetting parents. To the point they don't dare mention sis or anything about her side anymore. I know they'd love to share things, but they've stopped now as it triggers me. They think its very sad i haven't met my niece. But they understand I am so unhappy with my situation and that i'm struggling.

Ideally i'd want to come to accept my sisters success and allow myself to listen to our parents share things. I don't think me and my sister will ever be close again, but I hate that i'm hurting my parents.

On the other hand, I'm always feeling triggered by her having this life whilst I struggle to make ends meet and fearing childlessness, her life is what I envisioned for myself and it hasn't happened. I feel by not allowing my parents to speak about her i'm protecting myself from jealously.

I don't understand why I feel so strongly jealous about sister, when I don't have these feelings towards friends who got married young and have children. I presume its a bit of a sibling rivalry type thing although I never felt competition growing up. I feel like a horrible person having these feelings and for hurting our parents.

Can anyone help me make sense of this and help me decide how I should be dealing with it? Should I be open to allowing my parents to share things with me although it makes me feel bad?

I’m sorry you are feeling so unhappy about your life. I suggest that you go for counselling to help you work out why you feel like this and to find a positive way forward.

You need to process this with help- therapy.

I'm sorry you are unhappy.
Splintering relationships and preventing your parents from talking about your sister is very unhealthy.

What’s your sister like as a person?

How was your relationship prior to the argument?

when did the feelings of envy start?

you seem to have great insight into this.
and yes some sort of therapy to help you move forward but you express the situation very well.
your life does sound both difficult and not at all what you wanted.
i think it would be helpful if you somehow got on a better trajectory. find someone who can show you the way to a better lifestyle for starters, i'm not in the uk but what is shared ownership? like a condo with services provided?
some condo's are fab and with well maintained grounds can be very swanky and desirable? you will need to explain the living situation to me ;)
financially are there ways to maximize your income or decrease your outgoings?
what do you do with your time off to enrich your life?

I don’t have any advice on how to move forward as such, but I imagine the jealousy is due to the dislike.

Like you say, you’re not jealous of friends etc and that’s likely because you do like them and naturally you’re happy for them, whereas with your sister you don’t get along with so as you say it’s a case of thinking why does she deserve it and not me, probably because you don’t like her so you don’t see why she gets to be happy.

If it was something minor you fell out over, it may be worth trying to get back in touch (through your parents even) and slowly build up a positive relationship with her and in time, it may change from jealousy to being happy for her, along with a better relationship between the two of you.

I agree that you should perhaps try to get back in touch with your sister and re build the relationship. I think it may help

In the nicest possible way...you are being an utter knob.
Please get some support or therapy if needed to help to move past this

I think very early on you put certain expectations on how your life should be and if you don't have those things or tick those boxes, you feel you have failed.
really the jealousy and feeling triggered by your sister is due to your inner sense of worthlessness/failure and insecurity
you have clearly struggled with life and everyone has different challenges, some more than others.

the only thing you can do is enjoy your life as it is. relationships and children are not the be all and end all of life. what about some travel? maybe take a break from the normal, put your place on rent for a year and go travel the world .... or do something totally different

discover a new side to yourself and find a fresh perspective.

You are denying yourself the chance to be a wonderful auntie . Seek some help as you could be so much happier with your family in your life.

If you look at it from the outside
Your sister who used to have an older sister now won't even let your parents talk about her child in front of her.
Your parents have two daughters who don't talk so much so they can't talk about their grandchild.

So perhaps you are doing all this so that your sister doesn't have the perfect life. She doesn't have her big sister she used to look up to in it.

Say you do have a child are you then going to expect a cousin relationship?

Your parents must think where did we go wrong?

It sounds like you always saw your sister as a rival and that was fine whilst you were "winning" but now you think you are "losing" it's not fine and that's what, it now?
You need to drop this bitterness, are you doing it as a game still, that you might not have the house, husband and baby but you can prove to everyone that you are still an influence and can "win" by making sure your parents tread on eggshells around you? Do you want your niece/nephew to think of you as old 'bitter and twisted' that they might reasonably think you hate them as well?

If you got married and pregnant would you expect your sister to forget all this and suddenly be happy for you?

You might not find Mr Right or have a child. What then?

People don't meet, marry, set up home and have kids to piss someone else off. They just don't.

Imagine you had two kids, very close together and they fell out in adulthood which turned into what you are doing? We have said to our two on numerous occasions "don't fall out with each other over nothing" we have nurtured that relationship above all else. When we are pushing up the daisies they will be the only two people who will recall family holidays, growing up in this household, their whole childhoods basically. And us as parents, being vain.

In the long run it's only you who will "lose" the rest of your family won't be alone they will have each other.

For your own sake you need to drop this dislike. If you can find it in you to build bridges I would have a go.

I would at least tell your parents how you feel. Be honest. Families are a source of great exasperation but also love and support if you let them.

You never know but your sister's H might know a decent single a similar age he could be the route to no more rubbish dates. And perhaps you won't be a mum but you can be a bad auntie and take niece/ nephew out to musicals and ice cream.

So in answer to your question, yes your parents should be able to talk about your sister around you.

OP get some therapy it will hopefully be money well spent.

So I could be the younger sister here. Looked up to my elder sister, she had the looks, the personality, I was the quiet one, a slow burn friends/men wise. She was had a whale of a time in her 20s, I was still single, first boyfriend late 20s....

By our late thirites, both single (she surprisingly, (not me), all our friends coupled up, it was many a late night lament).

Then I met somebody late 30s, house babies, etc.

My siter has responded by being outside my life, almost completely. Never babysat (refused to) saw her twice a year at most, no parents either side so it would have been nice to have some support. I feel she has missed up on the love and fun from two nieces. And they missed out from an interested Aunt / Other adult.

Bizarrely, she dotes on my brother's kids who live 400m away but not mine around the corner. Both in our 50s now.

I have a friend who I have known since school (we are now middle aged). I wish she had got therapy a long time ago because her jealousy of her younger sister has significantly impacted her life. It is such an overwhelmingly negative emotion to live with for so long and I wish she could free herself from it. It has also had an impact on the whole family as they have to tread on eggshells around her and avoid talking about the sister.

Please seek counseling, and do so prior to trying to reconnect with your sister. These feelings are something you’ll need to work through because they’re coming from within you. Neither your parents or sister are responsible for them, and you can’t expect them to solve them for you.

Your jealousy has already cost you your relationship with your sister and your niece, and is driving a wedge between you and your parents. But it’s also likely stemming from underlying feelings of inadequacy that affect other relationships and behavior - workplace, friendships, romantic - and your happiness in your own skin.

We all have feelings and thoughts that don’t serve us well, and professional help can be an important part of moving past them.

I'm NC with my sister because she acts like you. She is 6 years older and has hated me since the day I was born.

It's sad when siblings don't get on.

Great advice here, you know the issue, therapy is needed and then as a single 30 something go and live and travel and explore the world, we are only here a while don't waste it in a house being grumpy!!

I felt so so sad reading your post. I have 2 daughters and my eldest is very jealous of the youngest. This jealousy makes her feel miserable and then she gets mad at her sister for seemingly no reason. The situation you describe is my nightmare.
Were you already jealous as a child ? Did you have therapy ?
Did you feel your parents treated you unfairly ? Were your parents or your sister insensitive when talking about her husband, home, baby and made you feel bad about yourself intentionally?
How terribly sad this whole situation is. I hope you can get help and you can all heal eventually.

@Singleandstruggling you need to find gladness for your own achievements. You've got different lives. Suck it up and shake yourself down and get on with what you're goals realistically.

very sad situation... jealousy is an ugly emotion.

If my sibling treat me this way I'd never speak to them again. Definitely agree with others to get therapy.

Your blaming many thinking on your sister which is not fair .. especially having a baby, husband and house. She knows your jealous.

must be tough on your parents

Getting some counselling will definitely help, I would suggest you sort the situation with your parents first, and then fix the issue with your sister, its a fixable problem….

You’re acknowledging the issue by posting it on here, that’s a great start , it says that you want to make it better…

My sister died last year unexpectedly, don’t leave it too late please…

It’s interesting to read your side of the situation. Your relationship sounds similar to my elder sister and mine. I’m not sure my sister would admit her feelings are due to jealousy, certainly not to me anyway, but her behaviour is almost identical.

I think it’s worth bearing in mind that nobody’s life is perfect and you don’t know what issues exist in her life however chocolate boxy it may look from the outside.

I think also, if you ever want to have a relationship with your sister’s kids, you should probably find a way to reach out to her. Part of the reason I haven’t sought to resolve the problems with my sister are because I don’t want her treating my child the way she treats me. Perhaps this is part of the reason for your own sister’s stubbornness?

I hear you. I was like this for a long time with one of my sisters but it was because of career choice. Then one day I stopped focusing on her and started focusing on me - what could I do to swing things around for me? I enrolled in a tough course and I haven’t looked back. Jealousy = fear + sadness. A pp said focus on your achievements and work from there - what do you have in your control to change your life and bring joy to yourself? I am also not going to fully agree with others here - sometimes going NC for a while is a self-preservation mechanism until you get your life back on track. You do have some control here, so start looking at small ways to bring joy and fulfilment to your life - good luck.

I agree that therapy would help.

What I noticed is that you said a few time that your sister has the life you wanted. I feel like there is an element of you feeling like she stole your life, even tho you may not realise, and you are blaming her for having what was yours. Which shouldn't be the case at all. You sister could equally have wanted to get married and have children. So blaming her for having something that you wanted isn't something you should be doing.

I think it must be hard dating when you hold so much anger and jealousy. I think it must cloud you and stop you being yourself. I think you need therapy to help get over this. Your life didn't work out how you wanted it to, but it's not your sister's fault, doing become bitter and resentful and ruin your own chances of a happy life yourself. Maybe change your perspective, go on more holidays, do more things you wouldn't be able to do if you had kids etc.

I'm the younger sister in a similar scenario.

You seem very focused on how your sister has had it so easy. Can I suggest that she simply made better choices than you did? You chose your boyfriends/partners. You chose the path you took. All of that is on you. You blame her but it's not her fault.

My sister claims I had it easy and that she deserves what I have. She conveniently forgets that I worked hard for what I have and she chose not to.

You will lose her if you don't do something.

I'm not surprised she's no contact with you with an attitude like that 🤯

Can I ask what you want and what you expect?

• are you doing this just to make your parents happy?
• do you wish to rebuild an actual relationship with your sister? A meaningful one or just one where you meet once a year and can tolerate seeing her?

I think this is important because if I was your sister I am not sure I would forgive and forget so easily. It’s clear from the OP that you just care for your parents and not for her or her family. Because the danger is that you will end up in a situation where you say: ok parents I will be the bigger person, you can talk about my sister under XY condition and I will agree to have dinner all together once every 6 months. And your sister, rightly will say, hell no. I am not subjecting my child to this. At which point you will go: see she’s a horrible person and the cycle will resume.

Because unless you are willing to accept that your sister bears no responsibility for how you feel and that she has made no mistake per se other than making different life choices, you will always be antagonistic to her. And from her perspective there isn’t a great incentive to reconcile.