Jealously over sister I am NC with

[Singleandstruggling]

Me and my sister have been NC since before lockdown. There was a fall out over something my parents call 'minor' and it probably was, but both of us are stubborn and so years passed without us being in touch and us avoiding each other.

I'm not too bothered about being NC, I am over it. But I do think part of me staying NC is down to jealousy and not being able to cope with how great her life has turned out in comparison to mine.

I am the older sibling by 18 months. Growing up she looked up to me and as we got into our teens I was the first to have boyfriends and experience all that comes with it first. In our early 20s, my sister met her first and only boyfriend. He adored/adores her and they ended up getting married, getting a house together and building a life together. I went from bad relationship to bad relationship and have now been single for 5 years although I have through out that time been trying to find someone by online dating and the like, but its dire and getting worse the older I get.

One thing I was mostly sure of, was that although she had it easy in marrying her first boyfriend, I was going to be the one to give my parents a grandchild. As my sister always said she wasn't keen on the idea of having a child but I always always wanted nothing more than to be a Mum.

Now in our mid 30s, im living on my own in a shared ownership flat, working myself to death to afford things. My sister ended up having a baby and lives in a lovely home which they had renovated for their new family. Her DH has a great job, she doesn't have to work anymore and my parents dote on the baby. She has the life I wanted for myself, and I feel jealous about it all the time. I hate to admit but I almost hate her for how easy shes had it and for being able to give my parents a grandchild. Whilst I am here worrying about my biological clock, going on rubbish dates all the time.

I can't even bare to hear anything about her life anymore, and I shut my parents down whenever they mention her/grandchild. I was even there when they answered the phone to my sister the other day and being reminded of her (sis) and her life put me in a bad mood. I I know it upsets them how I am about her, I say horrible things like 'Why does she deserve this perfect life??' and have a rant and then later on feel guilty about upsetting parents. To the point they don't dare mention sis or anything about her side anymore. I know they'd love to share things, but they've stopped now as it triggers me. They think its very sad i haven't met my niece. But they understand I am so unhappy with my situation and that i'm struggling.

Ideally i'd want to come to accept my sisters success and allow myself to listen to our parents share things. I don't think me and my sister will ever be close again, but I hate that i'm hurting my parents.

On the other hand, I'm always feeling triggered by her having this life whilst I struggle to make ends meet and fearing childlessness, her life is what I envisioned for myself and it hasn't happened. I feel by not allowing my parents to speak about her i'm protecting myself from jealously.

I don't understand why I feel so strongly jealous about sister, when I don't have these feelings towards friends who got married young and have children. I presume its a bit of a sibling rivalry type thing although I never felt competition growing up. I feel like a horrible person having these feelings and for hurting our parents.

Can anyone help me make sense of this and help me decide how I should be dealing with it? Should I be open to allowing my parents to share things with me although it makes me feel bad?

She doesn’t have the perfect life - she has an angry, mean and jealous older sister who has caused strife within the family due to her own issues.

It’s normal to be jealous of your siblings, to wish things were different, to wonder why you got a different hand.. but to completely begrudge her, cut her out of your life and not be in your niece/nephews life because of this is totally out of proportion. You definitely need therapy OP, I think you need to sort your own relationship with yourself before you could ever mend things with your sister.

That’s unusual. I m sire If we analysed in detail it woyld all lead back to family.

My older sister thinks I had it easy and have led a charmed life too, weirdly to any outsider, our lives would look almost identical. However, she still holds resentment towards me and has done our entire adult life. We were very good friends when at school she was popular and top of the tree. I was always in awe of her and proud of her. She believes she hasn’t been “successful” but she has a good career, home, family, security. I have had challenges (dc with disability, loss of mil, a lot of stress in my career) Yes, I have in the past been more financially successful, but not anymore, yet still the resentment. I have gone low contact with her recently as I’ve spent many, many years literally saying sorry to her and trying to make it up but nothing I say makes her feel better. I’m very sad for all these lost years.
maybe resenting a sibling keeps a person distracted from focussing on themselves which can be very uncomfortable. I can’t see how else it serves anyone.

Umm.. your hyperfocus on her life is not allowing you to succeed in your own.

Barely making ends meet? Re-train or search for other ways to increase your income.

Dating scene bad? Think outside the box and stop looking in the same places. Want different, do different.

It's absolute madness that you tantrum at your parents for wanting to talk about your niece etc.

If you don't stop, you'll probably push your parents away too.

Therapy should help, but you really need to get the fuck over it, especially if it was something minor to begin with.

Oh, I do feel for you, OP. I'm also prone to jealousy of this nature and I have to give myself a lot of stern talkings-to to stop it affecting my life!

Have you got anything that you are really good at, that will let you have a feeling of achievement that your sister couldn't get? If you're a runner, train for a half marathon, if you write, get something published (self publish if you have to), if you paint or draw maybe take classes or put on your own exhibition - something like that. Anything that will let you think 'she might have THAT, but I've got THIS', something that is yours, only yours but lets you feel as though you have achieved something remarkable.

It’s clear you’re now trying to find reasons for you to dislike her, to blame her. Sadly it just comes across as childish jealousy

I can’t beleive you’ve a niece you’ve never even met, that’s so,sad for you.

your life isn’t going to improve by hating and resenting your sister. By spreading poison to your parents,

you need to try to find happiness and peace in your own life.

Your life sounds difficult growing up. There was certainly things going on to lead you to depression and anxiety and unfortunately, this has impacted on the life you have now.

You're also consumed with bitterness and this isn't helpful at all in progressing your life.

You're still young enough to make fairly big changes to your life. Start off with your job.
What do you do?
What would you like to do?
Can you do a course to get you further?
You have good insight, write well and come across as intelligent so I'm sure you're more than capable.

Carry on meeting people, do things for yourself, go places and try to make your life more positive and fuller.

When you feel a bit more positive, maybe you'll be able to talk about your beautiful dn and take steps to have some contact with your sister again.

I am the younger sister
I got married first, had two children and sadly for my sister she (although now married) cannot have children herself which she was devastated about.

She could have turned on me but what she has done is embraced the Auntie role - she had my kids 1 days a week when they were babies while I went to work (she dropped a work day to do it - should say she volunteered) and built up a strong bond with them. The boys have followed her in her chosen sport and she coaches them so we see her twice a week. She has bought them presents she knew they would love but took up half my house or drove me and their dad demented

She is a massive part of their lives and they absolutely adore her. While it will never be a replacement for her own children she is an absolutely pivotal part of my boys lives who are now 11 and 8

It is sad that you can't put the jealousy behind you to try and build a relationship with your sister and her family - it may bring you a source of joy.

I think it's interesting how clearly you can admit it's jealousy. I think this is positive and may mean your ready for a change?

I would recommend some therapy and thinking what the consequences of being NC with your sister. If children are important to you why are you missing on being an aunty?

I think you also need to reflect seriously of how this affects your parents. Gosh it must be breaking thier hearts. Even if you can be a bit more civil and do your moaning to friends rather than them.

Then also think what relationship would you like with your sister. Her life might look perfect but motherhood is hard. I am sure she has needed her big sister and missed you.

It doesn’t surprise me that things fell apart at secondary school, does seem to be the point when family stops being the biggest/only main influence and often it’s just dumb luck if you get nice non-bullying children in your year group and kind friends who can help you develop. Your sister got lucky, you didn’t.

I agree with therapy. Even if not with the end to fix your relationship with your sister, with the plan to sort out why you feel like you do.

your sister has the life you want, the problem isn’t your sister, it’s that you haven’t got the life you want so you are struggling to make the most of the one you have got.

@CurlsnSunshinetime4tea - shared ownership is where you buy part of a property then pay rent for the other part. It can be different percentages, often 50/50. So you pay a mortgage for your half and rent for the other half. It’s secure in that unlike a full rental you can’t be evicted as long as you pay.

its a good way to get a foot on the property ladder, if you pay down the mortgage you can then sell and move on, this time having a bigger deposit, or buy the other half from the landlord later if your situation changes. (Usually the half mortgage and half rent combined are the same as full rent on the same property.)

You need counselling and a lot of it. That was a pretty horrible post to read, your poor sister.

Envy is such a difficult and toxic thing. You’re not a bad person to be experiencing it - just human. I’ve felt similarly to you the in the past. I also have a sister that’s 18 months younger than me. She got married and had kids much younger than me. Although her life wasn’t perfect, a lot of things went right for her. And while I had no real reason to be negative about any of it, I was definitely jealous. I never admitted that to anyone and I didn’t cut off communication, but it definitely hurt me that she was living the life that I only dreamed of. I did create some distance with her in order to protect myself.

I think there is a sibling rivalry thing that happens when you’re so close in age. I also have a sister that is 10 years younger than me and I can’t imagine ever feeling jealous about her accomplishments or luck. Likewise, I didn’t feel any jealousy when friends got married and had kids. I was always happy for them. I don’t understand the psychology of it, but I guess I somehow felt in competition with her. As children, I was always in the role of doing things first and being the wise older sister. As adults, that flipped and I struggled with the change.

I’m now 39, married and pregnant with my first child. I’m starting to build the life I want. I’m starting to feel more settled. At my worst, I would spend time journaling about how I felt, trying to rid myself of those emotions and get on with my own life. I never wanted to be bogged down in the negativity because I knew how toxic it was. You can’t help how you feel about it, but try to get it out of your system and spend the majority of your time on positive things.

I agree that it is unfair that your sister seemingly had it so easy with regards to finding a marriage partner and having children while you struggled. Life is unfair sometimes and it’s fine to acknowledge that. She didn’t ‘deserve’ that life more than you. You are allowed to feel angry or sad about your problems. But work to look at the good things in your life and build on them. If you want children, you still have time to try. Prioritise it and tell prospective partners what you want and look for people that want the same as you. There are no guaranteees for anyone, but give it a good shot at least. If it never happens, you can grieve later, but you’re still in the running for the life you want. Don’t give up. Even if you don’t get exactly what you want, you can still build a life that is happy and meaningful to you.

This bitterness that you have allowed to fester is your problem and yours alone.

I'm sorry that you aren't happy but you've done it to yourself and I hope that you'll get something from this thread that causes you to drag yourself out of this self-indulgent mind state that's literally robbing you of your happiness.

'Your' dream of settling down with the man you love, having a home and kids is pretty much EVERY girl's dream. You have no more right to it than your sister. Your assumption that she has been merely 'lucky' is so patronising.

Honestly, OP you sound very entitled, stubborn, self-centred and jealous - these are not things men want in a partner. Plus you are miserable, you're putting your parents in a dreadful position and you have a niece or nephew that you have shunned due to your own petty selfishness. And this is the head space your expecting your dream life to stem from?!

I agree that you need to prioritise getting some counselling before this petty jealousy derails your life.

I'm not NC with her.

All I have done is my own thing, she's done hers. Is it my fault that she chose what she chose? No!

I adored her when we were kids, she was really cool, introduced me to great music and I looked up to her.

She's older than me and moved out when I was starting high school. I had no influence on her choices and didn't do anything to piss her off except exist. I haven't lived my life trying to annoy her.

Your attitude isn't great.

Get help.

It's not her fault that you didn't have a good group of friends and struggled.
It's also okay for a career oriented woman to not want to date a man who lacks/doesn't share her ambitions...that's not being materialistic.
Nothing you have posted about her makes her sound quite that bad.

Given that you have spent years hating her, and don't know her daughter, maybe the fall out was the last straw and after that she didn't want to reach out. I think as I said in my original post, if your demand is that you will be barely civil to her just to keep your parents happy, then I can see why she doesn't want to be part of it.

It is really not clear what you want from any change. Do you want to better your life, you can absolutely do so first. You might need therapy first. You may want to look at career options. Once you are happier about yourself, you can maybe reach out to family including meeting your niece and stopping the censorship of what your parents can discuss.

I know PPs keep saying that you have a lot of insight but I'm not 100% sure you do. You still see yourself as being victimised and your sister as the person who is to blame for it.

You don't say what you fell out over, but other than that the issue isn't her life but your own lack of self worth. You need to get some psychological support. It's such a shame that you're missing out on your chance to be an aunt over something that your niece cannot control.

I have a similar situation to yours only it’s my sister who’s jealous of me. She married early (20s), had kids easily, got her house etc all while I was struggling with my MH and living at home in a low paid job. She used to deliberately lie oe misrepresent things I said and so my Mum would often tell me off like a child for ‘humiliating’ her and this shit went on for years until I met my DH, got a much better job, and my own house.

Now we’re in our 40s and I have a nice house, the wfh job that pays a massive salary, the child (after years of ivf) who goes to private school, and she can’t cope because she felt she should have had that life. She doesn’t have the nonce to see how hard I’ve worked for all of this - the sacrifices I made that she wasn’t prepared to make. Eg the reason my salary is high is because I did not go part time after mat leave, I applied for full time wfh jobs instead. I also chased the money at work during Covid which was a risk she didn’t want to take.

So firstly I think you need to have hope and the confidence in yourself that your life can still change if you want it to. Mid-30s is nothing nowadays. If you want a house, kids, try and map out how to do it. Ignore what your sister may do or not do - she’s just background noise.

I’m not going to lie, there is something in your tone that even got my back up, so I can see why she maybe doesn’t wish to be near you and your massive salary.

My sister hasn’t had any children and I have one so she’s been the nicest auntie.
She has a really good friendship with my (now adult) son and we all go on holiday once a year.
I’m sorry you are rejecting your niece/nephew it can be a meaningful relationship as you get older.

Thanks for the posts. The general feel from them is that i'm not a nice person, and no perhaps i'm not. I am jealous and bitter, I admit that. I have for the past, probably 5 years felt desperate for a loving partner and baby, whilst having to go through date after date, swiping and swiping whilst my self esteam and hope gets erroded mroe and more in the process. I do think it has changed me actually, and I have become more bitter and selfish due to unhappiness long term.

@VereeViolet your post hit the nail on the head for me. Its difficult when you are the sister who is older and doing everything first then that flips. It made me feel hopeful when you mentioned how you finally found what you were looking for, I really hope that will be me. I genuinely think i'd mellow out so much if things were to work out.

I have made an appointment with my gp today to discuss counselling. I have done counselling through the NHS before and whilst I know it isn't as effective as if I could go with a private therapist, perhaps its better than nothing.

I actually don’t think you sound like a horrible person, OP. And your sister doesn’t sound like an angel either if she judges people a lot. You sound like you’re depressed and unhappy with life and you need to shift that mindset. Things might work out the way you hope but they also might not and you need to get to a stage where you are content either way - not putting all eggs in one basket. If you really want a child, what about adoption? Is there a career you could work towards? Volunteering? Fitness? If you fixate on this one thing (and your sister and her DH aren’t necessarily as blissfully happy as you think) then these feelings will just keep coming back.

Undertaking horrible behaviour doesn’t mean you’re a horrible person, in my experience people who display horrible behaviour usually do so, not as they are horrible , but due to some unhappiness In their own life, causing them to behave that way, and I think a lot of people understand that.

the thing is op, in your longing for a relationship you are damaging the significant relationships that should be important to you. Where you can be surrounded by love. The trick is to be happy with what you have, to make the best of it, embrace those around you,

but your unhappiness is causing you to cause damage to those who would care and love you. And you’re missing out on so much.

also I hate to say it, that desperation to be in a relationship will lead you to make poor decisions with men, (or women ) trying to cling on, or take abuse just to be in a relationship, and that leads to very bad relationships and a cycle downwards. It also will put the good ones off.

if you can try to focus on other things, friends, family, work, social life, try to habe a happy fulfilled life, then ultimately you will be happier than you are currently.

@Singleandstruggling I don't think you are a horrible person either. You are clearly depressed and struggling - but you do have insight as to how you feel about your sister which is the first step in trying to help yourself. Counselling may very well help you get some insight into why you feel jealousy of her.

Like others, I suspect family dynamics have played a huge part in this. It was the case in my family. Younger sister was 'the golden child'. My Mother even admitted it more than once, even when I was growing up. I wasn't as 'open' about it as you and on the face of it we got along ok but I spent a huge amount of time over years feeling that 'it wasn't fair' and being inwardly very resentful of her.

Then she died of Ovarian Cancer at age 39. And suddenly I realised what a waste of time it had been to feel remotely jealous of her. A short life for her, no children, although she did have a very loving husband. You have no idea what other people may be struggling with now - nor what may happen in the future. Comparison is, indeed, the thief of joy. I hope you can get some help from the counselling and can at least hear about how your sister is getting on without being unable to deal with it