Jealously over sister I am NC with

[Singleandstruggling]

Me and my sister have been NC since before lockdown. There was a fall out over something my parents call 'minor' and it probably was, but both of us are stubborn and so years passed without us being in touch and us avoiding each other.

I'm not too bothered about being NC, I am over it. But I do think part of me staying NC is down to jealousy and not being able to cope with how great her life has turned out in comparison to mine.

I am the older sibling by 18 months. Growing up she looked up to me and as we got into our teens I was the first to have boyfriends and experience all that comes with it first. In our early 20s, my sister met her first and only boyfriend. He adored/adores her and they ended up getting married, getting a house together and building a life together. I went from bad relationship to bad relationship and have now been single for 5 years although I have through out that time been trying to find someone by online dating and the like, but its dire and getting worse the older I get.

One thing I was mostly sure of, was that although she had it easy in marrying her first boyfriend, I was going to be the one to give my parents a grandchild. As my sister always said she wasn't keen on the idea of having a child but I always always wanted nothing more than to be a Mum.

Now in our mid 30s, im living on my own in a shared ownership flat, working myself to death to afford things. My sister ended up having a baby and lives in a lovely home which they had renovated for their new family. Her DH has a great job, she doesn't have to work anymore and my parents dote on the baby. She has the life I wanted for myself, and I feel jealous about it all the time. I hate to admit but I almost hate her for how easy shes had it and for being able to give my parents a grandchild. Whilst I am here worrying about my biological clock, going on rubbish dates all the time.

I can't even bare to hear anything about her life anymore, and I shut my parents down whenever they mention her/grandchild. I was even there when they answered the phone to my sister the other day and being reminded of her (sis) and her life put me in a bad mood. I I know it upsets them how I am about her, I say horrible things like 'Why does she deserve this perfect life??' and have a rant and then later on feel guilty about upsetting parents. To the point they don't dare mention sis or anything about her side anymore. I know they'd love to share things, but they've stopped now as it triggers me. They think its very sad i haven't met my niece. But they understand I am so unhappy with my situation and that i'm struggling.

Ideally i'd want to come to accept my sisters success and allow myself to listen to our parents share things. I don't think me and my sister will ever be close again, but I hate that i'm hurting my parents.

On the other hand, I'm always feeling triggered by her having this life whilst I struggle to make ends meet and fearing childlessness, her life is what I envisioned for myself and it hasn't happened. I feel by not allowing my parents to speak about her i'm protecting myself from jealously.

I don't understand why I feel so strongly jealous about sister, when I don't have these feelings towards friends who got married young and have children. I presume its a bit of a sibling rivalry type thing although I never felt competition growing up. I feel like a horrible person having these feelings and for hurting our parents.

Can anyone help me make sense of this and help me decide how I should be dealing with it? Should I be open to allowing my parents to share things with me although it makes me feel bad?

With all due respect you sound toxic. If you were my daughter and tried to stop me talking about any of my grandchildren you’d be out the door and told to come back once you’d given your head a shake.

I feel very sorry for your parents too.

Instead of focusing on your own life you are there staring in and imagining your sisters life somehow telling yourself she doesn’t deserve it and that it should be you.

Comparison truly is the thief of joy. You owe your parents and sister a massive apology. You ought to be happy that you are an aunt! But no not you!

Amd you wonder why you can’t attract a nice guy? Change your beliefs and outlooks and you just might see the benefits

Finally if you can’t overcome these thoughts on your own seek help

OP I am sorry you are going through this and please find yourself some support/therapy/counselling to work on this. And thanks for the refreshingly honest post. I think you have good insight into what is going on and that you will work through this. Good luck.

I was the younger sister in the situation for many years and it was horrible for our whole family. My sister was worse than you I think, in that she was openly angry and aggressive towards me all the time, to the point I would call it abuse. Please don’t do this to your sister, it achieves nothing and one day your family will no longer be there and you will have wasted all this time hurting them.

Agree with the others about therapy to takk how you deal with things and people.

And if you really aren’t talking to your sister or caring that you have a niece, and acting like that with your parents so they are scared to talk to you about stuff, then I don’t think being in a relationship is best for you anyway until you work through some issues.

This.

For your own sanity you need to work on yourself.

If your sister is a really horrible person then I understand the NC, otherwise you are depriving yourself of a relationship with your beautiful niece out of stubbornness.

Your jealousy and bitterness is destroying your life, and making the lives of your loved ones harder.

You are not the one to decide who deserves to haver a nice life. Why exactly do you believe you deserve a nice life more than your sister does?

Being a better person, and hence attracting better people, is in your hands. It's nothing to do with your sister and her choices. It's you. But making changes is hard, so you focus on hating other people instead of focusing in improving your own life. While you are being consumed by jealousy, you life will keep getting worse. You're trapped in a vicious circle, and the worst thing is, it's a circle you built yourself.

Take some time to get therapy and work on yourself, and please stop making your parents and sister's life miserable. Their life being miserable will not make you feel better or improve what you have. It will just turn you into a worse person.

You and only you have the key to your own happiness.

I hope you are able to take something useful from this thread to go forward with.
You have been brave in being so honest.
Your behaviour regarding your parents and the restrictions you have effectively forced onto them has to stop. You are bullying them.
I wish you the best in seeking solace and improving your mindset.

I’m sorry you are feeling unhappy and suggest you have some counselling/ therapy to work through your feelings of resentment / jealousy.

Whether your sister’s life is perfect or not has no bearing on your life e.g. you’d still be in the same situation whatever your sister was doing. She has not prevented you having your ‘dream’ life - it’s just unlucky / circumstances / your choices. Not here fault. However, your actions are impacting negatively on your life and those of others e.g. you are missing out on what could be a wonderful, fulfilling relationship with your niece (and perhaps sister and brother in law), plus making your own parents and yourself, unhappy.

Also, no one’s life is perfect and life is not a competition. As the saying goes ‘comparison is the thief of joy.’ Some people might be jealous of you with a job and a flat by yourself while they live in a house share etc. You don’t want to look back in 15 years and regret allowing your life to be consumed by jealousy. You’ve recognised the impact it’s having on you, so that’s the first step. Next is to solve the issue by seeking help - counselling or similar. I didn’t meet my partner till I was 35. But now am married with two children and a lovely life - not that it doesn’t have its challenges like everyone’s. What I’m saying is that many people meet their life partners / have children later these days so your situation is not unique.

Good luck!

You are not really punishing anyone other than yourself are you ?

You are miserable not having a relationship with your Sister aren't you ?

It hasn't made it more likely that you will get the things you want from life, has it ?

She hasn't prevented you from getting those things you want from life, simply because she has them/got them first ?

I honestly think getting some therapy would help you deal with all your feelings of jealousy and negativity. You sound so unhappy as you are, give yourself a chance, you deserve it

I don’t think anyone else has said this but nobody has the perfect life. I was successful at school/uni, couple of serious relationships, got married, got a career which I massively scaled back to have kids. I’m pretty sure from things that were said that a couple of family members were jealous of me. But I’ve had lots of hurdles and things have been tough at times. I’m now not living the life I’d imagined.
Almost everyone I know has got something going on which makes life more difficult eg impossible ex, ill themselves/parent/child, money worries, controlling partner etc.
As others have said you should focus on improving your life not how perfect you think her life is. These things ebb and flow. I’ve seen posts where a mum has said her daughters are jealous of each other - one carefree as less responsibilities and the other with a family.
I agree you need to talk with someone to understand and let go of these feelings so you can move past them.

The kindest thing you could do for everyone in this sad situation would be to focus on yourself. Do the work and allow yourself to believe that yes your life looks different but has value and worth.
How wonderful might it feel to invest in repairing your relationships and becoming the daughter sister aunt who everyone is pleased to see.
Being triggered by your parents talking about your sister seems to be the dynamic that is driving the conflict and distress in you. A therapist will guide you through understanding why you are triggered and give you strategies to manage those feelings in the moment.
It might seem impossible but yes it is possible to feel triggered but not lash out in fear and anger. A therapist will help you so that when you feel triggered you have a choice...act out or observe the feeling. Sit with it. Do not judge it. Feel it. It then will pass..feelings always pass. And as many of moments of learning to bypass acting out on your hurt start to build you get better at it and your relationship with yourself deepens and heals and so naturally will all the relationships in your life.
I urge you to invest in yourself now. You know something has to change or you wouldn't be posting here. There's a risk your sister may decide she needs to go full NC to protect her daughter from your hurt feelings if you do not act to save yourself. Your parents must be heartbroken and you must want to change that surely.
You have been so brave and honest to come on here. You can do this with help. Good luck

This isn't about your sister at all, this is about you yearning after all the things you've mentioned and seeing somebody else who's lived a parallel upbringing getting it 😘.

It must feel horrendous, and no doubt if you'd met the right person and had kids, you and your sister would have a lovely relationship.

Whether you speak to your sister or not, you are going to have these feelings about her, and on top of it all now you also have the drama of hurt of not being in contact with her. And it must really hurt your parents.

This is a 'you' issue which you realise. If your sister was single and sad about it, you'd still feel the same about your situation regardless.

Therapy would be a fantastic idea, and perhaps building a relationship with your sister would help to heal you in some ways.

To some extent you choose your happiness levels in life, and comparison is the thief of all joys. I have friends in their late 30s in the same situation as yourself and they get so much joy from being in neices and nephews lives and having great relationships with their families still.

Lastly, the more accepting of this and content with your current life you become, the more chance of you finding the right person to settle down with.

It's so hard @Singleandstruggling, I can completely empathise xx

As everyone else has said, therapy with a good therapist — you may need to shop around. Cut back elsewhere to afford it, because it will be the best investment you can make in yourself, and this situation isn’t tenable longterm.

The key thing for me is nothing to do with your sister, but the fact that you say you’ve gone ‘from bad relationship to bad relationship’. I think therapy would help you to start thinking about why this is, and why you fetishise your sister’s deeply ordinary life to the extent that you do. I absolutely get that it’s easier to buy a property with two incomes, and be able to share bills, and that you want a child, but I’d also be thinking about why you keep using the term ‘success’ about her, when she’s a SAHM married to her first boyfriend. I’m married to my university boyfriend, and well aware there’s lots I’ve missed out on because of that, and compromises we’ve both made while essentially growing up together. I’m also the only one of my sibling group to have a child, and aware that the others have freedoms I don’t have.

But you would have been okay if those things had happened for you and not your sister? Because I don’t see any “I wanted both of us to meet Mr Right and have kids”, it was just about you. I reckon you would have been absolutely fine with her being in your position, you just wanted to “win”. Not an attractive trait and it’s almost unforgivable that you haven’t met your DN. Your sister will remember that forever. You clearly don’t value family relationships, it’s just about creating the impression that you have ‘made it’. That’s quite an unattractive trait really. Sort it out before you become even more miserable.

Oh OP, hats off to you for having the courage to admit these feelings of jealousy, I suspect that wasn't easy...
I too think therapy would help you understand where all this comes from. Your jealousy of your sister is eating you up and making you a prisoner in your own life. You can't compare your feelings towards your friends who have a family as the dynamic is very different.
You are only in your mid 30s so you still have time to change. I suspect bitterness emanates from you and this is a very unattractive trait and also just breeds bad feeling. You really don't want to be scowling and alone in your later years and living with so much regret about your parents and niece.

My sister has no children and hasn't spoken to me in nearly 15 years she's never given me a reason despite me reaching out many times to make it right. For my own sanity I had to stop and I can never forgive her for ignoring my children who are now grown. I know she's incredibly bitter about life but that bitterness has become a self-fulfilling prophecy which has led her to pushing healthy people away. She's alone and I suspect very unhappy.

The fact that you recognise your feeling of jealousy and accept it is a great start. I think next step should be therapy.
Btw, you never know what is going on behind closed doors. Many couples I thought are perfect and have the perfect life are living in hell and misery as I found out later. Your sister may need you more than you think. Or maybe she could be jealous of your single care-free life? ;)

This, your behaviour is awful, I'd be surprised if your sister actually wanted to have contact with you again, and from this toxic attitude I'd never let you near my child.
You seem to have a superiority complex in that you think it's only because of you being nc that's why you are?
Your parents are to blame too for pandering to you and going along with your petulance.

Agree. Stop with the pity party and grow up.

What was your childhood like? Did you feel jealous of your sister as a child? Did you compete with each other? Did you feel your parents had a favourite? I'm just wondering if any of your current feelings are tied up with past resentments?

The lives of siblings can often be very different, they are in my family. I think when you love someone though (and like them) then although you might get a pang of envy, you're largely just happy for them. But I think if you dislike someone, you tend to resent their good fortune, because you deem them undeserving of it.

Sounds like you have come to dislike your sister and so find it hard to be happy for her because you feel she's undeserving of the life she has.

You need to figure out whether or not not your feelings of dislike are valid and if not, maybe working on trying to repair things.

I agree.

Whilst sibling rivalry is fairly normal when you're growing up together in the same household and competing for parental affection, you really need to seek therapy for your feelings of jealousy and spite towards you sister and her family so you can move on with your life more happily. You come across as very bitter (and NOBODY has an easy ride in life - everyones life has challenges from time to time, including your sister I'm sure). This bitterness may subconsciously impact how you come across in other relationships?

You have loving parents and could have a loving sister and her DC as well (if she agrees) but have both chosen to cut off your nose to spite your face. It's not a happy way to live. You could have a more fulfilling family life if you can understand your motivation for your behaviours and seek a remedy with your DS.

OP, you are being so unkind to your parents.
You know that already but you write as though there should be a magic pill to enable you to stop being so jealous or as though you are owed something in life by somebody to stop you feeling so disappointed.
There is no magic formula, and no other person or potential husband to fix the thought process you are currently stuck with, but OP, you do have it within yourself to stop this cycle which is hurting you all.

You state that you ‘knew’ for certain you would be the first to produce a grandchild for your mum. I wonder if your problems stem from something in that declaration and in that inherent, but misguided thinking ?
Can you ask yourself why all your self-worth seems to be connected to your status as being the older sister and therfore expecting to be receiving all the developmental privileges in life before her ?
Maybe, as others have suggested, you need professional help to answer that. But OP, even if you pay a counsellor, you will still have to do the work yourself, a therapist can’t provide the answers for you, only the questions.

Nothing is equal in life between siblings and why should it be. Personalities come into it, luck and chance come into it, attitudes, intellect, education, ambition, friends come into it, and expectations come into it.
Maybe there are days when your sister wishes she were free and single again. You don’t know because you fell out over something so trivial you can’t really remember what it was.

I suggest two things:

1. You could try to unravel this conundrum by yourself and in so doing, you will force yourself out of this very damaging mind-set you have too easily accepted for yourself.
2. You could change your attitude to meeting future husbands. Accept that you will always have to work, so try to develop or change your career, - or switch your focus away from online dating to other ways to enrich your life.

Change is not easy to do, especially change in attitude, you have to be brave, -but really, can you continue to punish your parents as you are, simply because life didn’t turn out the way your inner child thought it would. They don’t deserve that as you know.

I really wish you well. I bet you could be a fabulous Aunty and who knows what change in circumstance that might bring. Take a risk and give it a try OP. Plan to please your dear mum in that way instead.

I see that many PPs are critical to the OP. She has already acknowledged her feelings and wants to do sth about it. She came here for support, not to be judged.
Siblings rivalry doesn’t come out of nowhere though. It’s mostly parents that intentionally/unintentionaly cause this…..

Of course people are critical of the OP! She’s wrecking her own life because a rooted jealousy of her sibling is eating her away, and has also cut herself off from potential sources of family support and love by being NC with her sister, not seeing her niece/nephew, and clearly has a very curtailed relationship with her parents if she won’t allow them to mention her sister or their grandchild. ’There, there, OP’ isn’t going to cut it.

Not always. Some people are just that way inclined, intrinsically. Either way, it’s your job to change it, not blame your awful behaviour as an adult as due to something in your childhood