Jealously over sister I am NC with

[Singleandstruggling]

Me and my sister have been NC since before lockdown. There was a fall out over something my parents call 'minor' and it probably was, but both of us are stubborn and so years passed without us being in touch and us avoiding each other.

I'm not too bothered about being NC, I am over it. But I do think part of me staying NC is down to jealousy and not being able to cope with how great her life has turned out in comparison to mine.

I am the older sibling by 18 months. Growing up she looked up to me and as we got into our teens I was the first to have boyfriends and experience all that comes with it first. In our early 20s, my sister met her first and only boyfriend. He adored/adores her and they ended up getting married, getting a house together and building a life together. I went from bad relationship to bad relationship and have now been single for 5 years although I have through out that time been trying to find someone by online dating and the like, but its dire and getting worse the older I get.

One thing I was mostly sure of, was that although she had it easy in marrying her first boyfriend, I was going to be the one to give my parents a grandchild. As my sister always said she wasn't keen on the idea of having a child but I always always wanted nothing more than to be a Mum.

Now in our mid 30s, im living on my own in a shared ownership flat, working myself to death to afford things. My sister ended up having a baby and lives in a lovely home which they had renovated for their new family. Her DH has a great job, she doesn't have to work anymore and my parents dote on the baby. She has the life I wanted for myself, and I feel jealous about it all the time. I hate to admit but I almost hate her for how easy shes had it and for being able to give my parents a grandchild. Whilst I am here worrying about my biological clock, going on rubbish dates all the time.

I can't even bare to hear anything about her life anymore, and I shut my parents down whenever they mention her/grandchild. I was even there when they answered the phone to my sister the other day and being reminded of her (sis) and her life put me in a bad mood. I I know it upsets them how I am about her, I say horrible things like 'Why does she deserve this perfect life??' and have a rant and then later on feel guilty about upsetting parents. To the point they don't dare mention sis or anything about her side anymore. I know they'd love to share things, but they've stopped now as it triggers me. They think its very sad i haven't met my niece. But they understand I am so unhappy with my situation and that i'm struggling.

Ideally i'd want to come to accept my sisters success and allow myself to listen to our parents share things. I don't think me and my sister will ever be close again, but I hate that i'm hurting my parents.

On the other hand, I'm always feeling triggered by her having this life whilst I struggle to make ends meet and fearing childlessness, her life is what I envisioned for myself and it hasn't happened. I feel by not allowing my parents to speak about her i'm protecting myself from jealously.

I don't understand why I feel so strongly jealous about sister, when I don't have these feelings towards friends who got married young and have children. I presume its a bit of a sibling rivalry type thing although I never felt competition growing up. I feel like a horrible person having these feelings and for hurting our parents.

Can anyone help me make sense of this and help me decide how I should be dealing with it? Should I be open to allowing my parents to share things with me although it makes me feel bad?

I have the opposite problem. DS wants to be around me all the time because of the salary / house / lifestyle. I’m the one who’s had enough.

I don't think you are horrible, just unhappy. Sadly as a pp said you are lashing out at the people who care about you.

I am the younger sister in this scenario as I mentioned earlier and I don't think my sister is a horrible person either. She's just misplacing blame on me.

In reality there's no blame. We're all just doing what we think is right at the time with the information we have.

I really hope you can get a handle on all this and patch things up. I still live in hope that my sister will too. I bet yours would like to rebuild things, she just might be wary. Give her time and good luck with the therapy x

You really do need professional help her. You are being unfair to your parent and even more unfair to yourself. You need to speak to someone to get past this urgently.

The problem is that by the time you get what you want (and I hope you do) you will have burned all the bridges and missed out on the magic of your niece growing up.

making inner happiness conditional on external circumstances is a recipe for creating bitterness @Singleandstruggling

yes it's tough what you are going through. I am nearly 40 and have been single apart from my very brief marriage which ended in a very traumatic way. I also have a very severe life limiting illness which has meant I have been in and out of hospitals, had chemo and surgeries almost continually since the age of 22. I have tried to find a partner but it hasn't worked out. I have been physically and mentally scarred and dessimated by the illness and my ex. i cannot have children due to my ill health and I never will be able to. to top it all off my family have abused me physically and emotionally since I was a baby. I could write a book about what my mum did to me.

I had a choice very early on, to be in the darkness or in the light. it's not easy, and sometimes I feel engulfed in grief for the life "I should have had". but every day I remind myself to take joy in the life I have. i travel when i can. or just do little things on my own like going out for a dinner or coffee. i have always enjoyed my own company, which helps. i take joy in the joy of others, in my friends and family members weddings, in their children. I am an awesome aunty and receive so much enrichment from loving my nephews, nieces and children of friends.

if I focused what I don't have, then I could never enjoy what I do have.

What a lovely post, and i genuinely wish you all,the health and happiness in the world.💐

Agreed!

I'm glad you are getting help op. You recognized you have a problem and are doing something about it. Be proud you are takthose steps.

I would echo all the other PPs saying to get therapy but if that is off the cards for some reason, then perhaps try accessing various free resources?

You could listen to gratitude meditations on apps like SimpleHabit or Calm. Doing it 4 times a week has been scientifically proven to reduce stress and increase happiness. It would be a good way to start focusing on the good in your life.

Another idea is to perhaps get hold of childhood photos of you and your sister together. Try to remember the details of fun times, family holidays, birthdays etc. Try to think of as many positive things about your sister as possible, even if just her past self for the moment. Do this for a few minutes every day for at least a month. (Edit to add: if this just increases your feeling of jealousy, obviously don't do it!)

Basically, it seems you're trapped in a negative thought pattern that then is very difficult to break out of. Like exercising a muscle, try working on shifting those patterns to healthier ones. A few minutes every day can lead to significant change.

OP, one thing you need to realise is that happiness and fulfillment is not a zero-sum game. Your sister being happy does not take the possibility of happiness from you. You can both be happy. Her being miserable will not make you happier. If her life crumbled, then both of you would be miserable. No one would "win". The only way to win among people who love each other is by striving to make the other person you love as happy as possible, because then... you both win.

I’d flip it and think that you ‘mellowing out’ probably needs to happen first in order for the things you want to happen.

Of course. People hate if someone is successful, even more so if it's a woman and especially if she is able to own it and be proud of her achievement.

We have a long tradition of knowing your station and not getting ahead of yourself.

It's so ingrained, you're not even aware of it, hence you blame the poster for your feelings.

Somehow I didn't read her "tone".
Different attitudes, different interpretations.

You have this wrong. And have made an erroneous assumption. If you knew my circumstances you’d know there is no way I’m envious. The reason I didn’t like the post is it felt boastful. No one says I have a massive salary as a high earner.

No, I agree with this. It’s not her young sister’s fault that her life has turned out very differently. I feel sorry for the parents, they aren’t allowed to mention their daughter or grandchild because OP gets ‘triggered?!’ That’s taking jealousy to another level!

Hi OP, I just wanted to echo what some other posters have said. I don't think you sound like a horrible person. I think you sound very unhappy, and stuck. That doesn't bring out the best in anyone. You are also very self-aware, which will be helpful when it comes to unpicking your unhappiness. Well done for making a GP appointment. That's a good start. It's hard to access counselling at the moment (I know from experience) but please do persevere. A good counsellor could make a massive difference. You're all tangled up in your unhappiness and disappointment at the moment. You need a bit of external help to untangle yourself. I don't know if you've read Phillipa Perry's columns in the Guardian? I find her writing helpful, even when the situation bears no relation to my own. Good luck.

Sorting out these feelings in therapy will make you more open to good things happening in your own life. Its difficult to meet someone if you have bitterness in your life as that spills over and taints other relationships. You can't change your sisters life but you can change yours. Being honest about how you actually feel ..which you are...is a great start. Don't waste time in therapy denying this just dive straight in as soon as you feel a bit relaxed with your counsellor.

Comparison is the enemy of happiness. There will always be people who are better off and seemingly more content than we are. So really the best way to live is to focus on trying your best to make your own path happier and easier. Simple pleasures, friendships, things to look forward too. Acceptance, taking notice of the good things, kindness and generosity of spirit, the satisfaction of getting things done and overcoming obstacles. By recognising how you feel so honestly you've shown yourself capable of deeper consideration - apply that energy to your own life not overthinking the comparison with hers.

Your sister's life might look so so perfect from the outside. But she is reliant on a man to support her - her financial wellbeing is dependent on him and even the most perfect seeming marriages have their fissures and flaws. I'm divorced and single but everything I have I earned and I'm independent and freer than most. I accept my own responsibility for my own happiness.

You can too.

Truthfully and with kindness you aren't protecting yourself by shutting your parents down. You are tainting their happiness with your own bitterness. These feelings are unfortunately yours and yours alone and you need to own them and stop expecting people to tip toe around you. Use some of your income to get decent therapy to help you unpick these feelings and deal with them in a more healthy way. It is not fair on your parents not to be able to share their happiness. This is not about your sister, it is a you problem.

I hope the counselling helps you OP. It sounds like you’re really depressed beyond comparing your life to your sister’s and coming up short. Comparison really is the thief of joy.

I do think the flipping of the first to milestones might be a big part of this - if you were the first to go to secondary, first to have a boyfriend, first to do exams, first to leave home etc. it should feel right that you should be first to do all the adult milestones of house, marriage, child. But while milestones are usually linear in childhood, less so in adulthood.

i hope you are able to make peace with this.

Comparison is the thief of joy
You should be able to be pleased for a loved one’s happiness and contentment while simultaneously being discontent with how your life has turned out.
I imagine you reeking of resentment, which will be a red flag to any potential partner. I’m sorry if this sounds cruel but it’s true. You are a bitter bitter woman, and you are choosing the path.
Please go to therapy. You need it. Or else find some good books that you immerse yourself in but that cause you reflect and improve your own circumstances.
i wonder if extending an olive branch to your sister and / or at the very least listening graciously about how she and your nephew/ niece are doing from your mum is part of the healing

Give yourself permission not to see her, or have to listen to others speak of her. Perfectly wise and sensible to ask your family not to speak of her or anything to do with her in your presence, no good will come of that.

What you are experiencing is so toxic and poisonous that you should avoid like the plague anything that might ignite it.

Don’t even think about rekindling anything with her until you’ve sorted yourself out through extensive therapy. You must prioritise this and take it very very seriously indeed.

You will get better, IF you put some effort into it. You owe it to yourself to do it, first and foremost for the sake of your own mental health.

Perfectly wise and sensible to ask your family not to speak of her or anything to do with her in your presence, no good will come of that.

I’d honestly cut off any family member who asked me to do this, after years of the same selfish nonsense. Behaviour like this shouldn’t be tolerated, ever. The person who is the problem, has to amend their behaviour, no one else.

Thing is, her life is irrelevant to how yours has turned out. Even if she was in the same boat, it wouldn't change anything. You would still be in the same position you're in. It would be cold comfort if her life fell apart and she suddenly lost everything you're jealous of. Things would still be exactly the same for you.

You're the one who's suffering the most by being consumed with such envy and bitterness- she isn't. She's just carrying on with her life. Your parents are being punished to a lesser degree for something they have no control over. It's also no one's fault but your own that you're in the position you're in. You both grew up with the same opportunities and upbringing so it's time to look inwards to change what only you can change- either your lifestyle, outlook or situation.

I had a sister like this, her jealousy began from day one when we were infants, she used to hit me when no one was looking, for no reason at all other than I existed and she wanted to remain an only child.

She is still this way to this day, I have had to go very low contact. It’s very sad.

Jealousy can be an inbuilt inherent flaw in a person’s character, just like the speckles of colour in someone’s eyes.

OP, what you must learn to do is modify your thoughts and behaviour and learn to manage them. Learn those skills and practice practice practice. You’ll get there.

If you want to succeed in life, you must get a handle on this.