Jealously over sister I am NC with

[Singleandstruggling]

Me and my sister have been NC since before lockdown. There was a fall out over something my parents call 'minor' and it probably was, but both of us are stubborn and so years passed without us being in touch and us avoiding each other.

I'm not too bothered about being NC, I am over it. But I do think part of me staying NC is down to jealousy and not being able to cope with how great her life has turned out in comparison to mine.

I am the older sibling by 18 months. Growing up she looked up to me and as we got into our teens I was the first to have boyfriends and experience all that comes with it first. In our early 20s, my sister met her first and only boyfriend. He adored/adores her and they ended up getting married, getting a house together and building a life together. I went from bad relationship to bad relationship and have now been single for 5 years although I have through out that time been trying to find someone by online dating and the like, but its dire and getting worse the older I get.

One thing I was mostly sure of, was that although she had it easy in marrying her first boyfriend, I was going to be the one to give my parents a grandchild. As my sister always said she wasn't keen on the idea of having a child but I always always wanted nothing more than to be a Mum.

Now in our mid 30s, im living on my own in a shared ownership flat, working myself to death to afford things. My sister ended up having a baby and lives in a lovely home which they had renovated for their new family. Her DH has a great job, she doesn't have to work anymore and my parents dote on the baby. She has the life I wanted for myself, and I feel jealous about it all the time. I hate to admit but I almost hate her for how easy shes had it and for being able to give my parents a grandchild. Whilst I am here worrying about my biological clock, going on rubbish dates all the time.

I can't even bare to hear anything about her life anymore, and I shut my parents down whenever they mention her/grandchild. I was even there when they answered the phone to my sister the other day and being reminded of her (sis) and her life put me in a bad mood. I I know it upsets them how I am about her, I say horrible things like 'Why does she deserve this perfect life??' and have a rant and then later on feel guilty about upsetting parents. To the point they don't dare mention sis or anything about her side anymore. I know they'd love to share things, but they've stopped now as it triggers me. They think its very sad i haven't met my niece. But they understand I am so unhappy with my situation and that i'm struggling.

Ideally i'd want to come to accept my sisters success and allow myself to listen to our parents share things. I don't think me and my sister will ever be close again, but I hate that i'm hurting my parents.

On the other hand, I'm always feeling triggered by her having this life whilst I struggle to make ends meet and fearing childlessness, her life is what I envisioned for myself and it hasn't happened. I feel by not allowing my parents to speak about her i'm protecting myself from jealously.

I don't understand why I feel so strongly jealous about sister, when I don't have these feelings towards friends who got married young and have children. I presume its a bit of a sibling rivalry type thing although I never felt competition growing up. I feel like a horrible person having these feelings and for hurting our parents.

Can anyone help me make sense of this and help me decide how I should be dealing with it? Should I be open to allowing my parents to share things with me although it makes me feel bad?

Sorry OP but you're behaving terribly, to your whole family. If I was in your sister's shoes I could never forgive you for not putting jealousy aside and making the effort to meet your niece. Have you considered how your niece will feel when she's old enough to understand that her Aunt wants nothing to do with her? And your poor parents being stuck in the middle of this..

Your sister hasn't done anything to hurt you at all, she's just living her life. Imagine what you could achieve if you put all of your energy into making improvements in your own life instead of all the jealousy and bitterness?

Have you heard of the law of attraction? If not, look it up.

Op

If you take anything from this thread you must stop emotionally abusing your parents. They are clearly walking on egg shells around you.

You are truly lucky they have not kept you at arms length.

You have a lot of sucking up to do and believe me if you do not mend this or try to them I’d consider you one spiteful individual.

Your world can be a different place, you could potentially feel the benefit of a wonderful niece, family get together, moaning with your sister about Sunak etc the joys of life and so on!

Instead you are choosing to cause a world of pain to yourself and your parents. I would feel deeply hurt if my children didn’t get along for the reasons you are describing.

You have a lot of control here (and controlling people can be very harmful) so take it upon yourself to realise your own self worth

Stop looking in her direction, start by looking in the mirror, better yourself, join some groups, but it is true that you attract in what you mirror out.

That goes for men & friends.

Someone whose whole outlook on life is rooted in bitterness and resentment isn’t going to be a very attractive prospect for a chap looking for a loving relationship and to start a family. The reason for your failure to have all the things you think you want is right there in your post - you bear grudges, you hurt people close to you, you have a sense of entitlement, and you nurse a grudge for years. Therapy of some kind may be necessary to build your own sense of self and develop a positive outlook on life, and you can then start to repair relationships damaged by your selfish attitude.

Consider, talking to your mother and telling her you are sorry - if anyone will get you it’s your mother

This rings so many bells with me, I have a family member who is a few years older than me but has always had a problem with me, I’m the eldest niece and she seems to have a huge chip on her shoulder about how my life has been easy, everything just fell into place , I’m so lucky blah blah blah.

but I’ve worked my socks off to have the life we have, I met an amazing guy, got married had kids, own our house, have a lovely car, go on great holiday, but as you say I made good choices whereas she married an abusive man, had plenty family support to leave but stayed and endured a horrid married until he died, she’s bitter and ruins every family event due to this.

we all have choices to make in life and we need to choose wisely rather than settle.

This is very sad, as it’s not just about your circumstances, but about who you are becoming, bitter, resentful and envious. So I’d also advise getting counselling to help you adjust , because your behaviour is just making you feel worse about yourself.

How do you know that her sister hasn’t done anything to subtly hurt her? How do you know that her parents subconsciously haven’t created this rivalry and her sister enjoys being the “golden child” at the expense of the OP?
OP has recognised this feeling and wants to change it. But she has mentioned that she doesn’t feel like this about her friends. So, there you go. Family dynamics.

OP, it’s up to you to change this. It’s good that you recognise it’s wrong and take the responsibility to change it. Start therapy now to see what is the root of these feelings and fix it. And do not hesitate to discuss with your family and sister.

I can't even bare to hear anything about her life anymore, and I shut my parents down whenever they mention her/grandchild.

Incredibly unkind, you sound horrible.

Should I be open to allowing my parents to share things with me although it makes me feel bad?

Allowing them to talk about their other daughter and grandchild? You sound like a jealous eight-year-old, thinking you can dictate how your parents act. Unhinged behaviour from an adult woman.

It’s quite easy to see why your dating life isn’t going well tbh. Asking about family is such a big part of first-date conversations. Finding out that you cut off your sister and aren’t involved with your niece/nephew because of some silly argument or jealousy is such a huge red flag.

Ironic thing is, if you were loving and supportive to your sister, and focused on being a good Auntie, went to their birthday parties, took them to soft plays and days out, attended their dance shows etc, you quite possibly would have met someone through that (swimming teacher, random uncle, hot single dad).

The main thing that attracted me to my husband was how involved he was with his nieces and nephews. I loved seeing how fantastic he was with children. If he had told me that he never saw one set of nephews due to falling out I would have been put off. I wanted a family, and that is the opposite of family-orientated.

Yeah most likely her parents pitting them against each other from a young age to bring out these feelings. Otherwise she’d be like this with friends too. Families can be really toxic. OP if your sister was the favourite or your parents made their love seem conditional, it wasn’t her fault either. She’d probably love a relationship with you.
If you can’t bring yourself to have a relationship with her then you still have to find some inner peace and let it stop eating away at you.

Yes, this too. I can’t imagine people on here enthusing about dating a man who was consumed with bitterness about his younger brother’s ‘easy’ life and ‘success’, and how he’d had to work hard all alone, and it wasn’t fair, and he’d planned to be the first to make his parents grandparents, and was NC with his brother and had a very strained relationship with his parents because he gets triggered by them mentioning his brother or their grandchild.

That just says ‘this person has issues’. Which may or may not be their fault, obviously, but it’s not wildly attractive for someone you’re contemplating a relationship with.

You seem self aware about your feelings and their roots which is positive. A lot of people who struggle with jealousy don't always even realise why they hate a particular person. I agree that some counselling may help.

Lives and circumstances can change in a heartbeat. You could meet someone and get married and have kids- it can all happen quite quickly in your 30s (did for me, anyway) and sadly your sister could meet all kinds of misfortune. In a long life there are lots of ups and downs.

I also understand how it feels being the older sister and then realising you're not going to be the first to have kids. Like you, I kind of assumed I would be and found my reaction to my sister's pregnancy much more complex than I would have thought, in a way that took me by surprise.

You are missing out though, I think, on potential happy relationships with nephews and nieces and being part of that, even if it is painful.

I think you should be honest with your sister about how you feel and your struggles, apologise for your part in whatever the fall out was and give an olive branch. See how she responds, because obviously that is out of your control. Then go see the baby/kid/kids and bring them a gift. You might find more joy in that than you anticipate and you are clearly unhappy the way things are.

I’m the younger sibling in a very similar situation and it’s honestly an awful feeling that someone you looked upto as a child and adored doesn’t care about your children. Ignoring their existence doesn’t make them not real and your sister not having the ‘perfect’ life wouldn’t make yours any better. Be apart of their life and give that baby an auntie

You've never met your niece? That is really awful. You need to prioritise getting a therapist. How awful for your sister.

I've been reading all the comments.

Thinking about our childhood/growing up over the years, I suppose I did at times feel like the 'problem child' and she was the 'golden child' although my parents never directly said that was the case. She was very much a model student type, went to uni, but got average grades. I on the other hand, struggled through High School due to friendship troubles, had anxiety, depression and low self esteem, just scraped my GCSEs. Spent my teen years out a lot, getting drunk and staying out late. I know my parents worried about me a lot and supported as much as they could where as they didn't need to do that with my sister and I think I felt she was perfect in comparison due to that.

I suppose I expected things would level out one day but its now still feeling like she is doing what is expected in life, and I am not. And I still feel that comparison. Almost like, Of COURSE she would go on to have the 'usual' things in life and I would be the one struggling as that was always the way.

Also my sister never wanted children growing up, she wasn't even particularly bothered much about getting married and was more career focused where as I always knew I just wanted to be a Mum, and career wasn't a big deal to me as long as I was happy and relaxed with what I was doing. And I know people can change minds but it hurts that I always wanted that and she can just change her mind and get it so easy.

Despite all this, my sister isn't completely without fault. Sister has always been very materialistic compared to me, always had to have the latest 'things' growing up where as I liked what I liked. She is also a bit judgemental about peoples choices and where they are in life and I still remember her saying years ago she didn't want to date a particular guy because he worked in a lower paid job. I know she will be judging me for having not settled down. Because she would judge where everyone was in life and talk about what they had or didn't have.

Also without going into too much detail about fall out, I was the first one after our argument to try and repair things, but she was the one who mostly instigated being NC and I just accepted that.

Gently, you need therapy.

Your sister isn’t to blame for how your life has turned out and your bitter negative attitude probably isn’t helping you in any corner of your life.

All I see is the sad fact that you are missing out on a relationship with your sister and your niece/nephew and all the lovely happy family moments that could have happened if you were still speaking.

Two kids growing in the same family can’t be so different If there isn’t a fundamental cause. Yes, DNA does play a role and even siblings can have their differences, BUT for two sisters to be SO different and have followed SO different paths in life, there is only one cause: parents and discriminating between their children for whatever reason.
OP, rest assured that this “I must show I am perfect” is not easy on your sister either. She has to constantly prove to your parents how perfect she is which is exhausting. She may be currently suffering in her marriage, she won’t show it.

Have some counseling first of all to love yourself and understand how family dynamics have affected you. Then talk with your sister and explain to her how you have felt all these years and how you can possibly build a relationship.

Ohhh…and please stop believing this society BS about what is expected from us. You can be perfectly happy and succesful without getting married or having children.

OP, very few people have perfect, easy lives. Your sister could have suffered PND after having her baby.

The dream house renovation could have plunged her and DH into debt. He may ‘adore’ or or he might be abusive behind closed doors.

You do not know with certainty what anyone’s life is really like.

Not the same situation but I was incredibly jealous of a friend of mine who owned a gorgeous home which was gifted to her by her parents, a successful handsome husband and 2 adorable children. Similar to you, I lived in a Shared Ownership flat and was so embarrassed of my ‘pitiful’ flat in comparison to her place that I never invited her over despite her trying repeatedly to set up play dates with my DC. Eventually she gave up and we lost constant. Last year we randomly bumped into each other and ended up going for a coffee and long chat. I won’t go into details but it turned out she was going through a horrific personal experience back when our kids were young. I feel so guilty for treating her the way I did. Fortunately she has allowed me to repair our friendship. She has a life limiting illness and is unlikely to see her children reach adulthood - she would swap all her money and lifestyle with me in a second to change that.

Life is short. You need to let the jealousy go.

Your update suggests even more strongly that you need therapy to sort all this self-loathing and projection out. You’re doing so much projecting here. You have no idea whether she’s judging you, you haven’t spoken to her in years. You don’t know whether she’s even happy.

And you can’t blame your unhappy teens, depression, drinking, failure to achieve at school etc on your younger sister — if she were older, and your teachers were shaking their heads and saying ‘Ah, if only you’d got exam results like X’, it would be more understandable that you felt like the bad sheep, but she’s younger. It’s not her fault you had some pact in your head that you would regain ground in some internal battle by having a child and winning back points by that. It’s not her fault you haven’t found someone to have a child with. Your life would be your life, a combination of the results of your choices and luck, whether or not she existed.

Focus on yourself, and the life you want to have, and stop wasting all this mental energy on someone who is blameless in the way your life so far has turned out, regardless of who instigated the row, or whether she was a materialistic teenager. You’re the one you are punishing most.

I am in the same position, haven’t spoken to my sister in years. Her ex DIL told me that my sister has always been jealous of me, to the extent that when I first met her ex DIL she didn’t recognise me as I was not the power dressing snob she was expecting.
Blood isn’t always thicker than water.

Do you think you could be suffering from depression? That could be making you feel so negative about theses things.

One thing I feel is that you are very focused on getting a partner and having a baby. Have you any other dreams you could explore? eg renting your home out and going travelling.

Maybe giving yourself a different focus, will help you feel more positive about things and open up new possibilities

That’s silly. No sibling has the exact same upbringing, even within identical environments. DH’s sibling group includes (a) violent criminal with significant jail time behind him, (b) an incredibly hardworking, family-focused sister getting by on very little because she left school early with no qualifications, had lots of children, and, after decades in manual, low-paid jobs, has had to retire early due to illness, (c) a clever but lazy sister who has never used her considerable talents and entrepreneurial flair, and struggles with addiction, (d) a former rebel and Trotskyite student activist now living a quiet suburban life, and (e) DH, who is highly successful, multiple postgrad degrees, CEO of a big organisation. All with the same parents, same (poor) upbringing, same school education, all close in age.

Yes. You are behaving really wickedly. How dare you police your parents conversation about their beloved grandchild?? Please do whatever it takes to get over yourself. Everybody has life disappointment, you are not special in this.

Everything say about her is negative and derogatory She was very much a model student type, went to uni, but got average grades. why do her uni grades matter to you?
Why would you want contact with someone you clearly loathe?

From reading your update maybe if she is the one who instigated the NC then go with that unless she reaches out. You have to reach a point where what she is doing doesn’t bother you. You don’t have to get on just because you share DNA but you do need to let go of the bitterness, whether your sister is in your life or not. But yeah normally things don’t magically ‘turn around’ for people as a way of evening things out. Your sisters life now is probably a direct result of working hard and taking the conventional route all through life.

Turn all that jealousy into hope for your future and spend all that energy you spend being jealous in make a better life/ future to yourself.
If not bitterness will eat you alive.
We made our own luck most of the time, don't wait for it to come from heaven.
As you progress you will find peace.