Jealously over sister I am NC with

[Singleandstruggling]

Me and my sister have been NC since before lockdown. There was a fall out over something my parents call 'minor' and it probably was, but both of us are stubborn and so years passed without us being in touch and us avoiding each other.

I'm not too bothered about being NC, I am over it. But I do think part of me staying NC is down to jealousy and not being able to cope with how great her life has turned out in comparison to mine.

I am the older sibling by 18 months. Growing up she looked up to me and as we got into our teens I was the first to have boyfriends and experience all that comes with it first. In our early 20s, my sister met her first and only boyfriend. He adored/adores her and they ended up getting married, getting a house together and building a life together. I went from bad relationship to bad relationship and have now been single for 5 years although I have through out that time been trying to find someone by online dating and the like, but its dire and getting worse the older I get.

One thing I was mostly sure of, was that although she had it easy in marrying her first boyfriend, I was going to be the one to give my parents a grandchild. As my sister always said she wasn't keen on the idea of having a child but I always always wanted nothing more than to be a Mum.

Now in our mid 30s, im living on my own in a shared ownership flat, working myself to death to afford things. My sister ended up having a baby and lives in a lovely home which they had renovated for their new family. Her DH has a great job, she doesn't have to work anymore and my parents dote on the baby. She has the life I wanted for myself, and I feel jealous about it all the time. I hate to admit but I almost hate her for how easy shes had it and for being able to give my parents a grandchild. Whilst I am here worrying about my biological clock, going on rubbish dates all the time.

I can't even bare to hear anything about her life anymore, and I shut my parents down whenever they mention her/grandchild. I was even there when they answered the phone to my sister the other day and being reminded of her (sis) and her life put me in a bad mood. I I know it upsets them how I am about her, I say horrible things like 'Why does she deserve this perfect life??' and have a rant and then later on feel guilty about upsetting parents. To the point they don't dare mention sis or anything about her side anymore. I know they'd love to share things, but they've stopped now as it triggers me. They think its very sad i haven't met my niece. But they understand I am so unhappy with my situation and that i'm struggling.

Ideally i'd want to come to accept my sisters success and allow myself to listen to our parents share things. I don't think me and my sister will ever be close again, but I hate that i'm hurting my parents.

On the other hand, I'm always feeling triggered by her having this life whilst I struggle to make ends meet and fearing childlessness, her life is what I envisioned for myself and it hasn't happened. I feel by not allowing my parents to speak about her i'm protecting myself from jealously.

I don't understand why I feel so strongly jealous about sister, when I don't have these feelings towards friends who got married young and have children. I presume its a bit of a sibling rivalry type thing although I never felt competition growing up. I feel like a horrible person having these feelings and for hurting our parents.

Can anyone help me make sense of this and help me decide how I should be dealing with it? Should I be open to allowing my parents to share things with me although it makes me feel bad?

Psychodynamic counselling as well as some CBT is what you need. This could be a long process but it will be worth it. DH's eldest brother has been jealous of his siblings his whole life and believes he has been treated less favourably by his parents (the complete opposite is true). He's now nearly 60 and the whole family has collapsed because of his out of control jealousy and rages which have extended way beyond his siblings. This has been festering since I've known him (30 years) and has just got worse and worse. The whole family dynamic has become increasingly toxic and I totally avoid all of them now. I feel (slight) sympathy for his aging parents but they have enabled him and never been strong enough to stand up to him. Noone can help the attributes they are born with or the perceived levels of luck they have. All you can do is take control of your life and your feelings surrounding your sister. Don't leave it too late!

Jealousy is about ego.
To master this, you must kill and bury your ego.
Watch the feelings of competitiveness, the weight of expectation on your self, the disappointment, anger and resentment disappear.

Once you experience ego death, or as close to it as you can, you will be free of this.
Ego death of course shouldn’t be permanent, and we need a little ego to function.
Yours needs taking down a number of notches.
Insecurity is about ego. You are looking for status, that’s always a fools errand.
Better to seek authenticity.

Work on accepting and embracing the real you, the real you in anybody is always beautiful, unique, and of extreme value - a life, a soul, a consciousness - these are extraordinary things if you meditate on them.
Affirmations will go very well with this, say them even if you don’t believe them.

You can simply focus on what needs to be done each day, work, taking good care of yourself, taking care dependents and pets, taking care of your home.
I mean doing these things to the best of your ability with complete mindfulness, really applying yourself.

You are then simply a decent hardworking responsible human being, very valuable and worthy of your own respect.

If you really busied yourself doing all the necessary things that need doing each day, I guarantee you wouldn’t have TIME to be jealous.

Replace your ego with mindfulness, focusing on a feeling of loving kindness, and project that out into the world. A VERY attractive quality, you will draw people to you like magnets.

If I were you, I would take notes of the helpful tips you’ve had here, and keep them where you can easily access them, as a photograph in your phone for example.

Put time into forming new habits.

My sister is like you-she has a child but a very different life to mine. She is bitter that I chose a different life to the one we grew up with. Oddly, our parents feel the same as her.
It honestly doesn’t bother me at all now and I barely give it a second thought. The only person you are hurting here is you.

Your sister may not have wanted kids where you were teens/early 20s. That does not mean she actually didnt want them, maybe she was just saying it, or maybe she changed her mind.
When it comes to partners, she was lucky. I know some people believe you chose partners and it's your fault you picked badly- but meeting the right person at the right time does not happen to many people. I was absolutely sure I would be married with kids by 26 and all my hs friends were by then in stable relationships, building houses of dreams and talking about kids- I had my first at 34. Our life is not easy, but it is what it is and I want to make the best of it.
Firstly, you need to find your dream life, do you actually want children or is it just something you have 'always' wanted and now you thing your life does not measure up? Dating is hard- but don't give up, you dont date, you dont meet people. Dont compare yourself thinking she has a life you deserved, find your own happiness.

That's bat shit though. And I'd also go nc with anyone with that grandiose attitude.
Also you seem to have ops belief that the ds is desperately waiting for op to accept her and be her friend!

Resurrecting an old thread, but I’m struck by how consistently rubbish the advice on here is, although I suppose the naive faith in therapy as the sure fire cure for all wayward feelings is sort of touching. What really comes across is how virtually none of the posters have personal experience of being in the OP’s position, yet all feel qualified to weigh in with their two cents anyway. They’re all terribly self righteous from their position as the younger sister, but I wonder how helpful they would actually find ‘therapy’ if the situation was reversed.

In the nicest way you have created a horrible situation by being so resentful and bitter. Your poor sister and parents. Counselling might help and give you the tools to make better choices for yourself and help you stop being eaten up with uncontrollable jealousy.

Lol

@ThatNimblePeer, what would you advise be for the OP ?

lol? SunflowerTed's was a pretty good post. Why are you mocking it?