Anyone else have a partner who volunteers them without discussion?

[wizardofsoz]

My DH and I are currently in different parts of the house with the doors shut after a huge row.

He retired (58) last year. I'm a bit younger and need to work till 60 to ensure a decent pension. I work from home three days of the week and he struggles to understand that I have a proper full-time job that can't be interrupted throughout the day.

He's really good at organising and project management. That was his field. He enjoys making things happen and he's great at it. His events have been really successful and given a lot of people a lot of pleasure. But not me!

Last year he organised three events (all for charity or the local community). For each of them he had a little team of volunteers. None of these projects were anything I'm involved or interested in, but he took it as read that I'd produce the posters and tickets and programmes etc ('No one else can do it, Wiz. It's your skill set, why are you so mean?') or write the press releases and send them out to local radio and TV and all the local media ('Oh, come on, Wiz, you know you're better at that than anyone on the team. You can do it in an hour, it'll take Miriam days and she won't do it half so well.') And then on the day of the event he expects me to muck in and cover everything that needs doing at the last minute. He seems to think he can just deploy me how he wants and he puts me in situations where I seem churlish if I say no. Last event the guy who was running the car park had an accident and couldn't stand out in the rain all evening. DH said in front of everyone that I'd do it. No discussion. Put me in a position that it was impossible to get out of without looking mean and churlish.

Every event has ended up with major rows and I've made it clear time and time again that they are his projects and I don't want to be involved. I've told him in no uncertain terms I'm not an extension of him: he can't just hold a meeting and tell people that I'll do this and that. And still he does it. He holds a meeting with the volunteers, asks who'll do this or that — and if no one volunteers he says I'll do it.

At the weekend he had the first meeting for the next project and decided that someone needed to write and design a flyer and then create a Twitter account and a FB account. No one there has the skills so he said I'd do it. We had a row about it on Sunday that completely ruined the day. I said no. He's just continued to ask me when I'm doing it. I didn't do anything yesterday. Today he was out till about 4pm and when he came home opened my study door while I was working and on the phone to a client, and bellowed 'Have you finished that flyer yet?'

I couldn't believe he'd talk to me like the worst kind of manager does. Massive row ensued. He says I'm unreasonable and partners should help each other out. I've said I will, for the knock-down price of £100 ph. I just get 'You could have had it all done on Sunday if you'd put your head down. We're a team, you have skills I don't have. This isn't for my benefit, it's for charity.' Apparently I'm bloody impossible.

This is a new behaviour. When he was working he had a team who worked to his instruction. Now he's not working he seems to have mistaken me for his team. How the fuck do I get through to him that I'm not here to help him? We've been married for nearly 30 years and up till now I would have said he's a reasonable person, but this is really doing my head in.

I learned very early on, my Mother used to volunteer me for all sorts of shit. At 14 I was the fucking booking officer for a local authority funded outdoor pursuits centre... (not that anyone actually in charge knew that)... because Mother Dearest would take on jobs (census officer from 1991 on, oh you have no idea how many envelopes I stuffed or forms I checked had various bits filled out..)... that she had absolutely NO hope of doing by herself and then make me do them.

If you do want to help sometimes, in some capacity:

Set out EXACTLY, and in writing, the exact things you will do, and how to book you to do them.

For example, posters: You need all the images and copy, and a minimum of X weeks to produce them. ONE tweak will be permitted and this must be no later than X time before printing deadline.

You will not stand out in rainy fields, ever.

Booking you for ANY involvement in one of his projects (no matter how worthy the charity) must be done with X weeks to go before the event.

You will do zero work within your own working hours and you will respond to zero requests or discussions on the topic of whatever project it is, within your normal working hours.

OR whatever you're comfortable with.

And then if he asks you outside that remit, tell him no. If he asks you in front of others, tell him no. 'As you already know Dear, it isn't possible for me to do that, so I won't be doing it' or 'As we have already discussed Darling, I can't do that'.

Always make it clear that you have already discussed, you are reminding him of something he already knows. You are not springing it on him out of the blue that you won't do X.

He will stop when he realises he is embarrassing himself.

If people look at you funny, give them a hard stare and tell them 'my time is valuable, but you feel free to volunteer to do this role if you would like?'... they'll shut up and fuck off sharpish.

Being assertive is not being difficult.

You live in a small community and DH is making it actively difficult for you to live there.

That is horrible!

Get a lock on the office door and I suggest you get a mobile or separate line just for work and don't answer the home phone or your personal mobile during work hours.

DH used to have a special ring tone for his American manager who didn't "understand" things like UK bank holidays, time zones, or annual leave. I believe it was the Imperial March from Star Wars.

Them: "Your DH told me that you would do it by X date".
You: "Oh no, this must be difficult for you. I informed DH straightaway that I had no availability. If he had told you at the time then you would have been able to make alternate arrangements. He has really let you down on this."

I really like this. Going to deploy this next time my vague co-worker drops me in it for something he hasn't asked me to organise!

Your DH needs to distinguish between the different "teams" in his life. I'm sure he managed this when his worklife happened in a separate location. He's just confusing his domestic team (you and him) with his volunteering team (which doesn't include you because you haven't volunteered and already have a paid job to do).

Say no and book a trip away with a friend a few days before and during the event. And repeat.

^You have my sympathy. It's hard, isn't it? I have another friend whose husband decided to compete in triathlon. He needs someone around to manage the logistics and she's spent the last few years standing waiting for hours while he does his thing, then driving him home when he's exhausted.^

This made me laugh, deranged laugh, perhaps: It reminded me so much of my exh, who got into running so neither DS or I saw much of him for a year as he would come home late from work, change his clothes and go out to run for an hour or two and he was also away all the weekend on his bike “getting the stamina he so needed to compete”.

For his first race he provided me with a map of all the street corners where he wanted DS and I to cheer at him from when passing. The race was 200 miles away from home, there would be obviously nowhere to find parking near by, much less so several times being one of the most popular races in Europe) and that goes before saying DS was a toddler who still needed a pushchair. So I said no.

The drama that ensued was ridiculous, despite being the only parent DS was seeing everyday (Me), he accused me of being selfish and unsupportive, I didn’t encourage him on his dreams. He was sulking for WEEKS after it.

We split 6 months later, when I decided to join a night class and he had a fit because he “had to babysit “my” kid so I could go to a stupid class”.

I think you have to be clear he's actually jeopardising your marriage with his entitled behaviour, OP.

You are not his subordinate. You are not his employee. You are not a fellow volunteer at the charities he's volunteering for.

You have a job of your own that you are responsible for and answer to. You also have a child of your own and a home of your own that you are jointly responsible for with him, and you answer to each other ONLY in those regards. Nothing else.

If he wants to volunteer, he is more than welcome to continue to do so. But the moment he volunteers you without your consent, you are going to firmly say no. The moment he 'asks' you in front of others you are going to loudly remind him that this is his endeavour, not yours, that he's retired and has the time, you do not as you're still working, and that they'll have to sort it out amongst themselves. If he continues to ask others to reach out to you hoping that will pressure you into doing what he wants, he's essentially telling you he doesn't give a shit about your time. And you will consider whether you can stay married to someone who treats you with such contempt.

Be clear: his behaviour is unacceptable and it needs to stop. Immediately. And a sincere apology from him to you would be much appreciated.

Your DH thinks he’s still at work and you’re one of his direct reports!

This is not actually about him, it’s about you and your aversion to being seen as anything other than a good sport. What does it matter whether others feel you should be doing the grunt work. It’s irrelevant. You are an adult, you can choose how you spend your time.

You need to be much more comfortable with being uncomfortable op. Your time is precious and if he tantrums leave him to it. He can deal with it. He will learn to deal with it, he will learn to respect you and your time. Eventually he will stop bugging you.

Im not impressed he is enlisting other people! He needs to understand wiz is busy. Stop pandering. Stop giving in. Stop caring what others think. Be happy to say no and mean it, no justification needed.

I’d say your marriage is over. Why stay married to a bully who has no concern for your own feelings?

For me it was my mum.
I was 16 and had just gotten my driving license.
Mum had three little maiden aunties who were in their late eighties and didn’t drive and who’d call needing one thing or another.
Mum would immediately say “Oh Dream will run that out for you” or “Dream will pick that up for you,” or whatever it was.
And I was trapped - how could I say no?
It didn’t matter that I was in school all day and was involved in extracurricular activities and had an after-school job. And friends that maybe I wanted to see once in awhile.
It was the disrespect of Mum not even asking me and just volunteering me.
I turned into Dream the errand girl.

If no one in his volunteer team has these skills, he needs to expand that team to include someone he does. A friend of mine is doing this sort of stuff for a charity, as she's building a portfolio for her graphic design degree. She's created loads of promo materials for various events free of charge.

Now he's not working he seems to have mistaken me for his team. How the fuck do I get through to him that I'm not here to help him? We've been married for nearly 30 years and up till now I would have said he's a reasonable person, but this is really doing my head in.

As a matter of urgency, you need a lock for your study.
Lock it when you're in there working.
Get a sign for the door that says "Do Not Disturb". If he bangs on the door, tear rashers off him.

Do not go along with any of his outrageous demands on your time and energy.
Stop worrying about not causing a scene in public. Cause those scenes.
"I have warned you repeatedly about roping me in to your projects. The answer is no". Let the onlookers think what they will. They have probably all got the measure of him themselves, so don't worry about showing him up.

In the case of the manning of the garage, and if anything like that ever comes up again, tell him there's no way you can fill in. Don't apologise and don't explain. Swan off. Let the chips fall where they may.

When he tries to rope you in, tell him no and don't offer any explanation. Never, ever change your mind.
Ignore the strops.
"It is not my job to facilitate your retirement hobby".
"It is not my job to enable your delusion that you are useful or relevant".
"Your hobby is not my job. This conversation is now over."

He keeps on pushing because deep down he doesn't see you as anything but an extension of himself.

This.

"Do not get into lengthy conversations with his volunteer team. Refer them straight back to him. Adopt a demeanour of long-suffering, affectionate pity, not of shame or responsibility. 'Oh dear, has he done it again? That was silly, I thought he'd have learnt after the last time... John doesn't always think things though, does he?'."
This.

Yes, I have and they have been 'But John said you'll have them done by Thursday' and I've had to explain that John didn't consult me before committing me and that it's not possible. And then they get upset and huffy and have long conversations with me about what are they supposed to do if there are no posters and I have to explain that I'm not part of this project and they're going to have to sort this out between them...

You don't have to explain anything to these randoms.
Tell them "That sounds like a YOU problem".
Or say you're sorry he dropped them in the shit. "How inconsiderate of him".
Hang up or walk away. You do not owe them your time.

Now bear in mind some of these people are our neighbours, some are friends, most of them are people I'll bump into at some point in the shop or out walking or in our little local library (which was one of the causes he held a fundraiser for). Word is already getting round that I'm the mean bitch who won't throw a poster together to help raise money for the local library.* I've already been told that people are talking about our marriage, because he's so fantastic and does such good work and I'm so grudging.

Stop worrying about what 'people' are saying about you.
Worrying about rumours is how you create a web for yourself to be trapped in.
Who has told you about these rumours?
Maybe drop a hint that there are two sides to every story and definitely two sides to every person.

*making a good poster that's eye-catching and gets all the relevant information across is more complicated than it looks. And once I've designed it and created images for it we're talking 3-4 hours. Once it's approved (the volunteers can be very picky and require changes) it's also my job to send it off to be printed up and delivered. Apparently.

It's not your job.
Stop engaging with all of this BS.

Shake your head, fold your arms, say you're sorry he has inconvenienced them all, but he was completely mistaken, and you have told him repeatedly that you are not able to deliver any help on his projects.

Absolutely - every word of this.

@beergiggles That was a joke, luv 🤦‍♀️😂

*he puts me in situations where I seem churlish if I say no

How the fuck do I get through to him that I'm not here to help him? *

By sticking to your guns and not doing it. It's been working for him because it gets the job done.

Don't reward his bad behaviour. Plus, get a wedge for your door and put it in place when you don't want to be disturbed.

The faster he learns, the better it will be for him.

p.s. nothing that you describe about his behaviour says 'great project manager' to me. Quite the contrary, maybe you are only just noticing this about him.

You have become Ann Bryce from Ever Decreasing Circles and your husband is Martin ....

He doesn't struggle to understand.

He chooses to pretend he doesn't.

NO is a complete sentence.

Sorry if this has already been answered but do you need to work from home? I would be removing myself from the scene to draw work/home boundaries and emphasise that I was still working full-time.

Have only read the OP’s posts so apologies if someone already suggested this, but you say you wfh 3 days a week, @wizardofsoz so maybe go into the office full time and be so busy you couldn’t possibly answer the phone/respond to his emails? Obviously you don’t/can’t work weekends, so there’s just no way you can help out then!

Every time you caved in and eventually produced a poster, it undermined your position. He doesn't believe you will refuse to the bitter end. No more caving in, he and the others will finally have to accept your decision. In six months time, they will be talking about someone else.