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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Uprooting life for long distance partner. Am I being unreasonable?

142 replies

vraimenthan · 04/06/2024 17:54

I have 2 children and my partner has none. We’ve been together about 2 years and the distance is between an hour to an hour 20 drive each way depending on traffic. We’ve recently discussed moving in together as it feels like the next natural step. My children don’t have a dad in their life and really look up to him and they’ve got a great bond.

I work and have my own little house and he lives with his family and works full time. We’ve come to the decision as he has a very well payed niche job that I would move to him. My children are still youngish and would be fine with changing schools as it feels right. I would have to quit my job though and move away from family and friends, which if it all turns out alright in the long term I’d be fine with. The one thing that’s no my sitting right with me is the fact that I feel like a bit of a burden. We’ve totted up the costs etc and to start of with over expressed that he would have to cover a majority of bills etc while I’m looking for a job as I want to make sure my children are settled for a couple of months before working and even then he would have to then front 65% ish of bills after I work as I would have no family childcare options. We’ve not got plans for a year or so and then wanted to try for a baby once we were all settled but I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable for asking him to cover more of the bills. For reference he makes about 50k a year and I would work around the kids which if it’s similar to what I currently do is about £1200 a month 20 hours.

OP posts:
MagnetCarHair · 04/06/2024 17:58

Having a good support network of family and friends is absolute gold dust and I wouldn't be giving that up, and my job, to move in with a person that I then felt indebted to. It's a horrible combination.

minipie · 04/06/2024 17:58

How much time have you spent together given it’s a fairly long distance relationship? How much have you done full, ordinary life weeks rather than just weekends/holidays?

Do you have plans to get married? I wouldn’t want to be dependent on someone else’s earnings without being married.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 04/06/2024 18:00

Do not give up your own home for this.

If it doesn't work out, you will have lost everything.

Beautifulbythebay · 04/06/2024 18:04

An hour commute to his niche job is more than acceptable.. Moving you and 2 dc isn't...

NerrSnerr · 04/06/2024 18:07

He could move near you and commute. I wouldn't uproot your children to move in with him.

You have so much more to lose than him. If he moves to your area and it goes tits up he can move back in with family, if you and your children move and you need a new job and schools you'll be massively isolated if it goes wrong.

bows101 · 04/06/2024 18:08

Could you try and get a job before you move? Would you be renting?
I would also be worried, it's a big commitment moving out of parents to moving in with a partner with dependents. I'm assuming you've discussed your financial situation and what would be realistic for you to contribute and he is ok with it? Or are you worried the reality of it will hit once it all actually happens?
I think if you have had the grown up chats of the reality of uprooting your life and kids and you are comfortable with it - then go for it!

Maddy70 · 04/06/2024 18:09

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 04/06/2024 18:00

Do not give up your own home for this.

If it doesn't work out, you will have lost everything.

This. Can you rent it out?

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 04/06/2024 18:11

You say he lives with his family, has he ever lived on his own?

BlondeFool · 04/06/2024 18:11

Do not give your house up. Why can't he move to you and commute?

Dontbeme · 04/06/2024 18:12

So you give up your own home, your job, your kids give up their school and their friends and you all give up close family support and he compromises how? No way would I do this, why can he not get a job closer to you, it's not a great career if he can only get employment close to his Mum and Dad's spare room is it.

EmeraldRoulette · 04/06/2024 18:12

1 hour 20 minutes, that's a daily commute for a lot of people.

Do you own your house? I'm sorry but if he doesn't own his own house, then I would immediately be asking what his financial benefit is from this.

if it's a case of renting - what is he like with his family? Has he got his parents doing everything for him? Is there a risk that he thinks you will end up doing everything for him?

he's on a good salary and so I guess could have moved out... I appreciate some people want to continue living in the parental home for many reasons...

but there are financial red flags all over this one.

Also a niche job is a concern, as soon as that goes - so does his income. Presumably "niche" means very difficult to find another similar job?

doesn't sound like a great idea to me, sorry.

Notcontent · 04/06/2024 18:17

First of all, do not do any of this unless you get married.

second, you need to sit down and discuss lots of things:

  • how will you will share costs
  • what happens if you are, for example, all going on holiday - will the costs come out of a joint pot, or will he expect you to pay for your children separately?
LordSnot · 04/06/2024 18:19

"Blended" families are awful for children, especially bringing a half sibling into the mix. Don't move someone into your children's home.

LightSpeeds · 04/06/2024 18:20

I agree with most other PPs that you shouldn't be the one to move.

Also what I'm seeing is that his job already trumps your job and other circumstances - and probably always will.

You haven't lived together so you'll have no easy way back if it doesn't work out.

Dadjoke007 · 04/06/2024 18:21

If you feel it’s the right thing, go for it. I don’t get some of the negative comments. If the relationship is good and trust is there then I don’t get the flags about you doing everything for him or his housing situation.

I would get some sort of agreement though to protect both of you if it does go wrong. Also need to establish where things like kids clothes come from etc. I do agree than the commute is probably doable for a work position but that will probably be longer at rush hour so 2 hours each way is a big ask.

but good luck.

Sue152 · 04/06/2024 18:22

Your kids trump his niche job every day of the week. He need to commute or find a new job so you can keep your family home and you and your kids keep your family and friends around you.
Does he have a lot of money saved up to match what you would make from selling your house? Is that why he's living with his parents to save up for a house? I think this is all a disaster waiting to happen so please be very careful. You are making yourself extremely reliant on him, I think who's paying what for the bills is the least of your worries TBH.

Beautifulbythebay · 04/06/2024 18:22

Are you sure he is a proper grown up? Family to a woman who gives up everything for him. What is he giving up?

vraimenthan · 04/06/2024 18:24

So, bit more back story. I currently rent my house and have 75% for a deposit on a house. His plan is to buy a little house, live in in for 9 months- a year then when we’ve both got funds for a deposit on a house he will rent it out and we will move into a rented accommodation for a 6 months - a year. Make sure it works then buy a house together.

he currently spends 2-3 days a week at mine and commutes and has done for the last year or so and honestly the only family or friends I have where I live is my mum and dad who help out with 2 days of childcare a week and are an utter godsend (which is the only thing that I’m hesitant about). I don’t have any other kind of relationships other than that as I virtually work, eat, sleep and look after my kids.

I would not want to get a job before moving just as I would want the kids to settle in first and then work around them as it’s already asking a lot. I’ve run the idea by them in the most theoretical way possible and they seemed fine with the idea.

OP posts:
EmeraldRoulette · 04/06/2024 18:24

Notcontent · 04/06/2024 18:17

First of all, do not do any of this unless you get married.

second, you need to sit down and discuss lots of things:

  • how will you will share costs
  • what happens if you are, for example, all going on holiday - will the costs come out of a joint pot, or will he expect you to pay for your children separately?

If OP owns property and he doesn't, if OP then buys a joint property by giving up her own...that's a no, but marriage is a bigger no!

cadburyegg · 04/06/2024 18:24

God not another one of these threads. Do not give up everything and uproot your children for a man you've only known for 2 years.

EmeraldRoulette · 04/06/2024 18:25

X post

let him buy a house

you stay put and see how things go.

this isn't a long distance relationship!

Sue152 · 04/06/2024 18:26

LordSnot · 04/06/2024 18:19

"Blended" families are awful for children, especially bringing a half sibling into the mix. Don't move someone into your children's home.

Better than selling the family home and moving them in with him somewhere else though.
If he lives an hour and 20 minutes away with his parents OP how often do you actually see him?

MagnetCarHair · 04/06/2024 18:27

I’ve run the idea by them in the most theoretical way possible and they seemed fine with the idea.

Now come on. You know this isn't fair. They couldn't possibly account for all the moving parts in what you are proposing or what losing the care of their grandparents will be like. Children will say whatever they think you want to hear.

LordSnot · 04/06/2024 18:28

Sue152 · 04/06/2024 18:26

Better than selling the family home and moving them in with him somewhere else though.
If he lives an hour and 20 minutes away with his parents OP how often do you actually see him?

Why the false dichotomy? Don't move a boyfriend in or move in with a boyfriend, whatever the logistics.

vraimenthan · 04/06/2024 18:31

MagnetCarHair · 04/06/2024 18:27

I’ve run the idea by them in the most theoretical way possible and they seemed fine with the idea.

Now come on. You know this isn't fair. They couldn't possibly account for all the moving parts in what you are proposing or what losing the care of their grandparents will be like. Children will say whatever they think you want to hear.

Edited

No, I understand that but obviously I want to gage some kind of reaction. I’m not saying I am doing this but I’ve been on my own my entire children's lives and my eldest is 7. This is my first proper relationship and I would love the whole family house etc and he is a wonderful person (albeit a bit naive but that’s why he we agreed on him living on his own for a year). for them and myself. My children's dad is not involved in the slightest and if it is not feesable then I won’t do it. Simple as. But I don’t want to carry on with my current relationship blindly ignorant.

OP posts:
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