Uprooting life for long distance partner. Am I being unreasonable?

[vraimenthan]

I have 2 children and my partner has none. We’ve been together about 2 years and the distance is between an hour to an hour 20 drive each way depending on traffic. We’ve recently discussed moving in together as it feels like the next natural step. My children don’t have a dad in their life and really look up to him and they’ve got a great bond.

I work and have my own little house and he lives with his family and works full time. We’ve come to the decision as he has a very well payed niche job that I would move to him. My children are still youngish and would be fine with changing schools as it feels right. I would have to quit my job though and move away from family and friends, which if it all turns out alright in the long term I’d be fine with. The one thing that’s no my sitting right with me is the fact that I feel like a bit of a burden. We’ve totted up the costs etc and to start of with over expressed that he would have to cover a majority of bills etc while I’m looking for a job as I want to make sure my children are settled for a couple of months before working and even then he would have to then front 65% ish of bills after I work as I would have no family childcare options. We’ve not got plans for a year or so and then wanted to try for a baby once we were all settled but I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable for asking him to cover more of the bills. For reference he makes about 50k a year and I would work around the kids which if it’s similar to what I currently do is about £1200 a month 20 hours.

Yeah the more I think about it, don’t move. But will you be able to get a mortgage on a £1,200 salary? Is it that you need him to be able to get on the property ladder? It’s a tough one but I think he needs to compromise a bit more in terms of location.

An hour commute is nothing!
Thats not long distance at all!
I drive that each way every day!!!

Your plan is bonkers.

Keep your own money, buy your own house, don’t move, stay around your support network.

I somewhat bemused by your comment that you have made the enormous sacrifice of staying single all these years with an oldest child who is 7.....so you are with your partner since that child was 5 and were with the father of other child/children at some point before that. So you had a couple of years single and think yourself some kind of martyr. Lots of women decide to stay fully single or to date but not live with a partner because they reason that their children deserve full attention and to not make life more complicated than it already is. I am one such person myself, 8 years single with a bit of casual dating that the children know nothing about. It really is not that big a deal or some major sacrifice on my part.

Has he always lived with his parents? Never moved out or lived alone, or wth another adult that's not his mum and dad? Never been married, never had anything more serious long term adult relationship wise than his sleepovers with you and your kids? Never had to support himself properly as an independent adult? Its not a LDR if he lives an hour away. You are both telling each other stories, fairy tales, this is a fantasy of playing house. But its ok cos your kids will be fine with it, there will be absolutely no impact on them leaving their schools, friends, grandparents, home and private life with their own mum that's the only security they've got, to move house loads of times so you two can pretend to be grown ups who are putting them first? )You even want to sack off working. Wow. Dont do it, keep him as your boyfriend but raise your standards to better meet your kids needs for a better family life. Hes not your solution to living somewhere better.

It doesn't really add up to me.

You say you're keen to leave your high-poverty area... Well, you can! You don't need to hitch your wagon to this guy in order to do that. If you want your kids to grow up in a better area, then make that plan.

Or is it that you could only live in a better area with his income? If that's the case, then my advice: do not, do not , put yourself in this dependent position with a man who hasn't made you a serious offer and I mean marriage. Marriage means you are a team, responsible for each other, pulling in the same direction. You won't have to feel "a burden" as you will both have clearly signed up to live a shared life with shared assets.

But you don't mention his savings. With his high income and low living costs, hasn't he got any? You've done so well saving while raising two kids alone.

I don't think he's ready for marriage right now - what's he been working towards all this time? So you should keep things as they are until he is ready to step up. Do not let him be a man-baby who clicks his fingers and moves his girlfriend closer for his own convenience, while making no commitment of his own. Respect yourself - you've worked so hard - expect better from a man than this half-hearted, half-baked plan. I don't even understand it, all these moves. Has he heard of stamp duty, solicitor's fees, moving costs? The utter stress of making offers, getting a mortgage, things falling through? Moving house is a real upheaval, not a move on a chess board. If he can't face an hour's commute (which is nothing - I do that plus the school run on top!), is he seriously up for all that disruption? He hasn't thought it through, and those are your kids' lives he's not thinking through. And yours.

I think you've got a great deal right now. Boyfriend over half the time, not having him in your hair (or around your kids) the other half of the time. You don't need to be in any rush. You certainly don't need to be in any rush whatsoever to bear a child to a man who won't bother to marry you, when you already have two of your own. If he wants a child of his own, he needs to step up to the plate and be a proper husband and stepfather, not dither about making madcap schemes that leave you exposed.

You have more power than you think you have, and more strength. Don't give it away. Let him rise to the challenge. In the meantime, enjoy the present day.

It does not sound like a good start OP

YIU have to give up your job
YOU have to give up your house
YOU have to uproot your kids
YOU have to leave friends and family behind

nor a very balanced approach and very unreasonable of him to expect this, how does this “make sense” for you?

ton of red flags

100% agree with everyone else.
You and your children have way more than him to lose.

You don't have to share a house. There's no law. He can move half an hour closer to you and still commute easily. Why uproot the kids to live with a man that's nothing to do with them.

Like others I don't think this is a brilliant idea either but if you're set on moving in with him could you not move somewhere in the middle? 30 mins away from your support network and a 30 mins commute for him doesn't seem unreasonable?

I'm just wondering why the topic of him moving in with you for a while to start with hasn't come up?

Does he have substantial savings for deposit on a house?

Is he expecting a 50/50 split of expenses with him making $50,000 a year and you making $14,000 a year?

If it ain't broke don't fix it.

I agree with this.

Do not move to him. He has nothing to lose. I travel 2 hours to work because of where my kids school is. He can travel an hour

You'd be mad to consider doing this.

It’s nearly always the woman who moves to suit the man. Ask yourself why that is. Why it’s always the woman who makes the sacrifice and takes the risk, whereas the man refuses to do so. But is completely comfortable with letting the woman do so.

As others have said, an hours travel is not a long distance relationship.

I know it’s tempting to want to move to a better area, but if living their is dependent on this man’s favor through all your children’s childhood, and all your life, it’s not such a great deal. Knowing you have more to lose from ending a relationship than he does is not such a great deal.

If he was a decent guy he’d be happy to commute as he would understand how important it is for you to stay near your support system and for your children not to be uprooted.

This! You'd be mad to move. Do your friends and family never help with the dc. He can move and commute.

Never would I ever...live with a man, bringing two small children along with me, who currently lives with his mammy.

Hell no. My best friend did this, moved to live with a guy. His parents went from lively and helpful to aged and needy in the space of a few years and she was designated default carer because in their family men aren't really expected to step up. Husband is a huge disappointment but she can't uproot her kid now. She spends hours on the motorway, escaping back to the people and places where she feels like herself.

It's never the fucking man that moves, is it? 'oh it just made sense this way', says the woman giving up absolutely everything.

As a fellow single mum I think it's the wrong way round and quite complicated a way to end up together, OP.

I'm in a new relationship and we've talked about long term. We each own our own houses. He would sell up and move in with me at some point, and then we would look to sell mine and buy together. There has never been a suggestion that I should move with DD, it was assumed from the off he would uproot and come this way (live about 25 miles away). Before he sells he would spend more and more time here and basically be locking his house up, leaving it empty, as a try out for living with us.

It sounds like too many things at risk to lose for you.

I wouldn't do it. You are making yourself financially dependent on someone you are not married to. Also what is it with having "your own baby"? You already have two kids you are uprooting from friends, school and grandparents. Add a half sibling into the mix and I think you are asking for trouble.

You are giving up your job, your financial independence, your home and your support network. Why hasn't he already bought a house? It sounds like a not well thought out plan for him to buy then rent then buy again with you.

What happens six months in if he decides he cannot cope living full time with two small children? He's the one paying for everything, you're not married so no legal protection, do you think he would move out and continue paying for you and your DC to keep living there, or will you have to move again, but this time with no job to support yourself? You are setting yourself up to very vulnerable.

The buying and then renting then buying sounds so stupid and you will lose loads of money on SDLT if you sell the rental a couple of years after buying. Where in the country do you live? Surely you’d need a three bed at least? If he’s on 50k and you’re on about 15k then you’d probably be needing your full mortgage capacity to buy a property unless you have huge deposits. Definitely not the sort of incomes where you could buy a BTL and then a family home. Also is it the case that you need his income to buy somewhere as presumably you could only get a very small mortgage on your current income?

I moved in with a long distance DP after 4 years with my DD, then 8. We moved back out after 3 months. The change in him was incredible, it was clear he was a seriously controlling, manipulative and abusive arse who had hidden it well for 4 years!
However, My current DP and I moved in after 2 years together a year ago. We are blissfully happy. The kids (he has one and I have one) are very happy. We are a solid, lovely family unit and it has been for the good of all of us. I don't immediately think like many on here that blended families are the devils work - they CAN be absolutely wonderful, and I know that a long distance relationship isn't something that can be done without serious burnout indefinitely.

In theory this could work out really well for you. I totally understand wanting to get away from the deprived area you live in, BUT:

The 2 big downsides are:

Not having your wonderful parents support and the close relationship your DCs have on tap with them.

I'm guessing the mechanics of the move are on his terms?

This is so often the case when the man is a much higher earner.

The saying is 'he who pays says,' and it is so true.

It seems to lack solid commitment with trial periods (that can si easily be extended), renting here, renting there.

Having more money he would ultimately have more control about the future, he might even decide as a higher earner, he doesn't want or need you on a mortgage etc.

Just be careful you don't go into this on a wing and a prayer, and trust your instincts. There must be an agreed concrete plan.

Why are you giving up everything that is solid in your life for a man that will not do the same because he apparently has a niche job. This is absolute rubbish from him. Most people do commute, it is normal. If he loved and respected you and your dc he would not be asking you to do this. You need him to live with you, commute for 12 months then reassess. Think about what you would do if you did change your life and then 6 months down the line he left you.

So you are giving up:

Your home
Your job
Your children’s school/friends
Your childcare

To move in with a man who:

Lives with his mum
Doesn't want to commute twice a week
Wants to buy a house for a year (do you have any idea of the costs of buying a house, even a little one, by the time you have paid solicitors, Surveyors, stamp duty…etc. You’re looking at 10% of the value of a home).

Even if you did, I don’t understand why you need a few months off. A week or two maybe, but it’s not like you need to learn a new language or anything.