Uprooting life for long distance partner. Am I being unreasonable?

[vraimenthan]

I have 2 children and my partner has none. We’ve been together about 2 years and the distance is between an hour to an hour 20 drive each way depending on traffic. We’ve recently discussed moving in together as it feels like the next natural step. My children don’t have a dad in their life and really look up to him and they’ve got a great bond.

I work and have my own little house and he lives with his family and works full time. We’ve come to the decision as he has a very well payed niche job that I would move to him. My children are still youngish and would be fine with changing schools as it feels right. I would have to quit my job though and move away from family and friends, which if it all turns out alright in the long term I’d be fine with. The one thing that’s no my sitting right with me is the fact that I feel like a bit of a burden. We’ve totted up the costs etc and to start of with over expressed that he would have to cover a majority of bills etc while I’m looking for a job as I want to make sure my children are settled for a couple of months before working and even then he would have to then front 65% ish of bills after I work as I would have no family childcare options. We’ve not got plans for a year or so and then wanted to try for a baby once we were all settled but I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable for asking him to cover more of the bills. For reference he makes about 50k a year and I would work around the kids which if it’s similar to what I currently do is about £1200 a month 20 hours.

You would be crazy to uproot your children and take away any security for your family and do this. You barely know this man, you're giving up everything for him, he should move. You will regret this.

I think you should save up to 100% deposit, but your own house then move in with the children.

I would stay close to the family.

Your boyfriend can continue to commute to your house.

I would never trust a man to help you... husband or not! Make sure you keep you and kids safe! Unless he is currently generous with money and see it as family money.

Please be careful and don't make your self vulnerable to a man who may or may not give your money.

I wouldn’t have classed this as a long distance relationship.

I wouldn’t be uprooting my life for some fairly wish washy plans either. Maybe I’m a cynic but the “buy a little house for a year” seems to be a try before you buy scheme. If he decides in that year that you’re not setting a house together what happens ?

Talking about adding another child into the mix when effectively don’t really have a stable home set up also seems odd.

Duplicate post.

You'd have to be insane to do this. For one thing, three of you would lose out. Your parents are a great support to you. I wouldn't take the children away from them. That's your whole family. There's absolutely nothing to say his parents would be a good support and besides, your parents are directly related to your children when his aren't.

Then you have a nice house and you'd be moving into the unknown.

Then your boyfriend lives at home. Living with two little children and a new partner will be very, very different. I wouldn't live with someone unless they'd lived independently and I'd seen how they lived, too. You've no idea what he'd be like if he was there permanently.

I think the onus should be on him to find a job in your area. Then I think he should rent somewhere for six months before moving in with you.

You're giving up everything - your job, your parents, your home and your children's stability. What's he giving up? His mum's cooking and cleaning?

Absolutely 💯 this

You can not uproot your children for a man you’ve known for a couple of years.

An hour is not a long distance relationship. It’s simple commute

He should be the one to move not you. You’re giving up everything and he’s giving up his mums spare room.

If it goes wrong then you’ve uprooted your children for nothing.

Let him live in with you and commute fur a period and see how that goes first.

He should move to you and commute or find a closer job. You have far more ties than him and far more to lose.

It's b

I understand the ‘uprooting’ comments but the entire not relying on anyone else especially a man comments seem a bit odd. Is this a common thought process l, if so how on earth does a single parent have relationships?

Carefully, without jeopardising the security and familiar life of your children and putting all of you at the mercy of a man who has no biological investment in your kids.

Have as many relationships as you want. Just don't cohabit.

You'll be giving up everything, making all the compromises and putting yourself and your children in an extremely vulnerable position. And you're concerned about being a burden??

If you have small children, they are relying on you. You need to keep them safe and housed well and living near people who love them.

When you know him better and when he's proved he can live as an adult then you can talk to him about a life together. He's earning £50K and lives with his family. Your lives have been so different and it would be easy for him to live with you and treat you like his mum.

Single parents need to be cautious when starting new relationships.
There's nothing wrong with meeting someone else but moving your children away from their home, community and their schools for someone you've never even lived with is foolish. If he wants to be with you enough he'll understand why it needs to be him that moves.

The fact you'd have to leave your job and then wouldn't be entitled to any benefits would be enough for me. You would hate being dependent on him. He would hate it, too.

You can have a relationship without living with someone. You need to prioritise your children!
Do you understand how much of a risk you are taking?

Don't do it op.

With respect, I think you’d be absolutely fucking mental.

Well you could continue as you are!

It sounds as if you are happy where you live. You have your parents to help you out.
Your children are happy where you live.
You've got a job.

It doesn't make any sense for you to move!

You see your boyfriend two or three times a week. Of course you can have a relationship. You're having one.

But why do you have to throw all your security up in the air to have it? That doesn't make sense.

Until somebody actually lives out of the family home, there is a limit to how much proof of adulting they can provide. Are there any exceptional circumstances here eg he does a lot of caring or some such? You me tion he is naive....sounds worrying.

And if he's going to buy a property he could buy one nearer to you if he's serious about you living together in the future.

I understand future planning, but to plan having a baby with a man who hasn't even moved out of the parental home - that doesn't make any sense, wait till he makes progress in life.

He can buy a property. You stay put, see how things go. If that works, it still doesn't make sense for you to move nearer his parents, unless there's a half way compromise. If the argument is his £50k job, that can go pfft any minute.

What are his actual plans to buy and if he can do it, what's he waiting for? And this will seem harsh, but do you know for sure he earns that much?

Couldn't put it better!

No man is worth changing your happy, settled dc's lives for.
Their grandparents will always put them first.
Your long distance bf with no experience of dc, probably not.

If he really wants the best for you and your kids he won’t countenance you all being uprooted for his convenience.

I absolutely would not do this. Your kids are the priority. He should move and commute. Once you've lived with each other for a year then you could reconsider. However, the kids best interest should always come first.

If he lives with you make sure he's paying his own way and your not subsidising him. Also ensure you protect your assets in the future. They are all lovely and would fuck you over until they do. @vraimenthan you said he stays with you 3 days a week, what is he contributing to the household now?

You are having a relationship though, you're in one. You don't need to move in with this guy because it feels like "the natural next step" it only feels natural because that's what everyone else does.

Op I get it, there are similarities in my situation to yours. I'm single, my kids are 9 and 6. I have a job, a house, my children are in school, my mum helps me out with childcare. No fucking way would I move them from everything they know just to move in with a partner. I have responsibilities, I can't just move in with a guy because I want to. I have to consider my children's wellbeing and any risks to that.

If this is going to be a long lasting, full family life relationship, then it needs proper plans in place for the future - financial and legal.

Is there no talk of engagement or marriage? You would want to be looking at buying your own family house together that you all move in to as a permanent thing. Not moving in and out of various rented places. The distance isn't that long distance. A fresh start in a new house for both of you would probably work best. If he's not yet in a position to do that and make everything legal and permanent, then I would wait. Until you can sit down together and make proper plans for the future.

You’re having a relationship 2-3 days a week. Sounds good to me.

You are talking about

uprooting your kids
taking them away from their grandparents
losing your parents’ support
moving out of your home
giving up your job
using up your savings

all for a man who

you have never lived with
you have not spent more than 2-3 days at a time with (presumably weekends, so without all the weekday stress/mundanity)
has never lived out of his parents’ home (?!)
has no experience of parenting
you describe as naive
is a bit financially optimistic if he thinks £50k will cover a house to live in plus a buy to let

and importantly… will not himself be making any big compromises here