Uprooting life for long distance partner. Am I being unreasonable?

[vraimenthan]

I have 2 children and my partner has none. We’ve been together about 2 years and the distance is between an hour to an hour 20 drive each way depending on traffic. We’ve recently discussed moving in together as it feels like the next natural step. My children don’t have a dad in their life and really look up to him and they’ve got a great bond.

I work and have my own little house and he lives with his family and works full time. We’ve come to the decision as he has a very well payed niche job that I would move to him. My children are still youngish and would be fine with changing schools as it feels right. I would have to quit my job though and move away from family and friends, which if it all turns out alright in the long term I’d be fine with. The one thing that’s no my sitting right with me is the fact that I feel like a bit of a burden. We’ve totted up the costs etc and to start of with over expressed that he would have to cover a majority of bills etc while I’m looking for a job as I want to make sure my children are settled for a couple of months before working and even then he would have to then front 65% ish of bills after I work as I would have no family childcare options. We’ve not got plans for a year or so and then wanted to try for a baby once we were all settled but I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable for asking him to cover more of the bills. For reference he makes about 50k a year and I would work around the kids which if it’s similar to what I currently do is about £1200 a month 20 hours.

@vraimenthan I wouldn’t do this and I am a single mother with 2 children only slightly older than yours (5 & 9), also in an LDR (genuinely long distance as he lives in another country!).

Our plan is for him to move here in 3 years - I would never move my kids across town, let alone to a new place away from family networks etc. I own my home and have a good job and could not put myself in the position of being financially dependent on a man (I often think how incredibly lucky I am that I have my good job which enabled me to leave abusive exH). Even if your new DP is nice - and I’m sure he is, and I do think it is good for DC to see their mum in a stable happy relationship, if managed carefully - you’d be very vulnerable. Imagine if he lost his job? 1 hour is not really a big deal for him to commute compared to everything you have to lose by moving.

In terms of how to single mothers meet someone … I think the answer is that when you prioritise your kids it’s very difficult! Like you, my life is work, kids, sleep. DP visits 4x a year. Apart from that I just try to focus on being with the kids and making their childhood as good as it can be.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you want the fantasy of a traditional family. Its OK to want that but to give everything up for it sounds really risky. I would worry he's trying to isolate you away from your family , job and life. If he's a good bloke I would think he'd see he needs to move your way , keep things stable for the children and then you begin to plan moving in together.

I'm with everyone else. You'd be crazy and foolish to uproot your whole life, plus those of your kids to basically try an experiment. He's never even lived independently!

OP, I get it. I'm a solo mum too without input from his dad. I've had relationships subsequently but my child is my nr. 1 priority. Always.

Anyway, life is tough enough as it is, I have no desire to take on an extra domestic burden.

I’m not being stubborn. I’m taking everything into account. And these were a couple of conversations we’ve had about minimum 1/2 years time.

more context, his job is extremely niche. He could find another job but it would be capped at what he’s on right now, with his current role it’s great progression up to £100,000/ £150,000. My job is although not great pay, I could 100% get a job in a sister franchise through internal hiring.

i think you’re all right about the fact that it’s not great that he’s not willing to commute. I didn’t think of that and it’s actually irritating although these have just been a couple of conversations and can I add NOT SET IN STONE OR PLANNED IN THE SLIGHTEST.

I think another point to add is that I live in a high poverty area and would move out of here in a heartbeat if I could right now.

Also @vraimenthan I’ve accepted that my relationship won’t follow the path that relationships followed when I was younger- meet, go out for a while, move in together, get engaged, married, children - it’s a different path to navigate second time around with kids. I won’t be living with DP before I marry him - if he’s moving in with my kids it’s because we are committed, I’m not doing a test run like I did in my 20s!

I would have loved a baby with DP but time is not on our side and it would have been too traumatic for my kids to introduce a new baby into the mix. They deserve to be my priority… that said, every situation is different, if you have time and the ids are still young, having a baby might be nice for them but again you’d be mad to take them away from family networks if that’s part of the plan.

No, it’s too much to give up. Your children would lose so much and it’s a big gamble for you.

I think another point to add is that I live in a high poverty area and would move out of here in a heartbeat if I could right now.

If you want to move then do it for you and your kids and not for a man.

Or maybe move closer to him if you like the area and spend a few nights a week together first.

This, don't do this to your children, 2 yrs part time seeing each other is nothing and why is there a need to have another child? You are living in Dreamland thinking this is ok.

I can't say it any clearer than this

This whole scheme is bloody mad OP

You're giving up your job, your kids school, your house, your parents support to live with a man who doesn't even have his own house

What is he sacrificing to be with you exactly?

You hardly know him. And I mean that sincerely. Two years of seeing each other 2/3 times a week is not the depth of knowledge you should have about a person when you are risking your kids stability

He moves or you don't live together. End of.

Exactly. I wouldn't be moving anywhere for the sake of an hour!

Op, what happened in your last relationship? I assume at one stage you trusted the man to have 2 children, then what changed?

Can I clarify, so you first move to his house, then move to another house, then move again to finally be in a joint house, is that right?

Any man who doesn't see the risks and stresses of this plan is either very naive or not thinking of your interests. It's essential that every single mum has an exit strategy AND enough money saved to make it happen.

Are you aware that if you had a child, with him and the relationship turned bad you are likely to have to stay in his area? Choices you make now could have significant impacts for the next 20 years.

Can you say what his job is as I'm struggling to see any job niche enough that can't be moved, especially in this WFH era. Why can't he change jobs as that way only one person is affected not 3.

I would suggest you ask him to change jobs and see what his reaction is. Trust me, his reaction and willingness to be flexible would be a good indicator of his ability to compromise.

Do not give up your home or your job for a man. Never ever ever.

My commute is minimum 1h45 each way and often longer. He’s not even compromising by coming 20-30 mins in your direction, which would make like much easier.

I agree with everyone else - there are red flags here that are worth observing. Don’t risk all you have for this.

I don’t think you should move due for what it’s worth and think he should move to you. But lots of mumsnet are quite adamant single mothers shouldn’t have relationships ever again. Two years isn’t enough, meeting on a dating app is wrong, meeting a neighbour or someone you work with is wrong. The only thing apparently allowed us meeting someone at a hobby when all your kids have moved out.

Back in the real world people recouple all the time, often with neighbours or people they know or off apps.

But still don’t lose your financial position and family support. My kids are much older than yours, with 50:50 custody and I am in a ldr (2 hours on a good day). We discussed lots of options but ultimately I decided I didn’t want to move from friends and family and wanted a house big enough for my kids that they could come back to when they wanted. We are in uni and launch years. My partner is very welcome to come and live with me. I bought a property they like as well. If they do they will be financially fine and don’t need to buy into my house. But my kids are secured. But I’ve known people do lots of other iterations.

Absolutely no way I would do this. An hour commute is completely the norm for many many people. You would be mad to risk everything, most of all your childrens security, stability and wellbeing for someone you haven’t even lived with properly.

I agree. What a mix up. Next door neighbours are like this. She had three kids to someone else - then she met current partner who she had a baby with.

They could have kept the romance part away from the three older DC, they shouldn't need to be involved in all of this.

OP please think very carefully about uprooting your children for a man. You need to protect your children. They come first.

No no no.

When you asked your kids if they wanted to move did they understand that they would be moving away from their grandparents, I assume, because you have said you don't have any other friends or family, that they are very important in your children's lives.

I just read your title to know how the rest of your post will go. Uprooting your small children from their home to leave your job and hope for the best???

Come on, why do women do this? For a man. Never for the children. Did you think further than yourself op?

If it doesn't work out, then you have no job, no home and your poor poor kids will be uprooted again.

2 years is NO time to make these huge decisions.

can I also say that people commenting on my parenting as a whole is quite rude. I understand that this is the internet and anyone can put anything but I’m in no way a ‘negligent’ parent as some people are making out. My children are my entire are my entire existence and I work myself Ill making sure that they have everything physically and emotionally that they need. This is a theoretical post and I would never do anything that would harm their well-being

It sounds like he wants everything on his terms. And that's a really bad omen. 3 people have to competely give up everything they know while he gives up nothing. Just let that register for a second.

This man is NOT a keeper.

You have 2 days a week childcare, are near your mum and dad, have a good set-up with your housing, are saving money, and your kids are presumably settled in school etc.

I think you'd be mad to give all that up. Keep saving and see how the relationship works out for another while. Commuting/long distance isn't the worst thing. The worst thing would be you giving up your job, your children being unhappy, missing your parents - and maybe the relationship struggling under the new pressures of all living together and him being financially responsible for you and your children.

I'd just put the brakes on this for a while yet.

In your case I would buy my own house for my and my kid's security near their grandparents before any other ideas. Establish your own family's security first.
Then see how the relationship can fit better around you and your kids having a strong base.

I think this is risky.

Essentially, you are saying he isnt willing to commute an hour and a half to work. Does he have to go every day?

However, you are willing to give up your house, your job, uproot your children from their friends, their school and also their grandparents from whom you get lots of support..

You are giving up too much.

It would be better if he moved to you and you can see how it works out, see how he copes with two children and then if it all works out you can get a place together

See you on here in 18 months time, OP.