Uprooting life for long distance partner. Am I being unreasonable?

[vraimenthan]

I have 2 children and my partner has none. We’ve been together about 2 years and the distance is between an hour to an hour 20 drive each way depending on traffic. We’ve recently discussed moving in together as it feels like the next natural step. My children don’t have a dad in their life and really look up to him and they’ve got a great bond.

I work and have my own little house and he lives with his family and works full time. We’ve come to the decision as he has a very well payed niche job that I would move to him. My children are still youngish and would be fine with changing schools as it feels right. I would have to quit my job though and move away from family and friends, which if it all turns out alright in the long term I’d be fine with. The one thing that’s no my sitting right with me is the fact that I feel like a bit of a burden. We’ve totted up the costs etc and to start of with over expressed that he would have to cover a majority of bills etc while I’m looking for a job as I want to make sure my children are settled for a couple of months before working and even then he would have to then front 65% ish of bills after I work as I would have no family childcare options. We’ve not got plans for a year or so and then wanted to try for a baby once we were all settled but I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable for asking him to cover more of the bills. For reference he makes about 50k a year and I would work around the kids which if it’s similar to what I currently do is about £1200 a month 20 hours.

Never intentionally make yourself and your kids dependent financially on a man, especially one who is not offering the commitment of marriage.*

You would be so, so vulnerable. And if it goes wrong, you would probably struggle to get back to the position you are in now.

*I don’t think marriage solves all problems, and people get shafted in divorce anyway, but at least it shows some level of commitment before you upend your life and your children’s lives.

Theres no rush. Wait, continue saving. Do not be bullied into a vulnerable situation that entirety suits him where you are giving up so much.

This is a lovely and inspiring post.

I love the castle analogy. Your children are so lucky @Endoftheroad12345 and you're setting them up for a lovely secure adult life - and also enjoying your partner's company along the way. Best of both worlds.

OP you say:

My children are my entire are my entire existence and I work myself Ill making sure that they have everything physically and emotionally that they need.

Stability is your children's primary physical and emotional need. Stable home, stable school, stable loving relationship with local grandparents, stable finances due to your stable job, stable friendships - they have it all.

Take away all this stability, and their physical and emotional wellbeing will be in peril

I think you currently have the best of both world OP, like @Endoftheroad12345 - a stable home life for your children and a boyfriend whose company you enjoy. I wouldn't rock this boat myself.

If he is living at home and has a well earning niche job- he should have lots of money saved, i presume?

Why has he never got his own place? Or has he and then gone back home?

I would get yourself to 100% deposit and then buy a house where you like and is good for your kids, if it is slightly closer to your BF that might be better but I wouldn't be moving kids away from their relatives that they are used to seeing 2 days a week and appear to be the only other relatives they have.

And btw I commute an hour in a good day (hour half in a bad day) to work.

I don’t love it, but it is doable. Easier if I go in either early to early, or late to late. But even going in standard 9-5 it’s ok. I listen to a lot of podcasts / audio books.

Most people I work with have at least a hour as a commute, so it is doable for many, many people.

Does he have to go in 5 days a week?

I cant believe you think this a long distance relationship and an 1.5 hpur commute is anything unusual.

Surely the answer is that he moves out and rents nearer to you in the middle in a nicer area, you see how it goes and then move into the rental for a bit if things go well. Everybody keeps their savings protected until this relationship is more formalised and you dont waste 1000s and 1000s of pounds on stamp duty and moving costs and solicitors buying and selling multiple properties (which is a pipe dream on your incomes im afraid). Why dont you just both jointly rent somewhere in the middle and get your new job asap - you dont need to take months off while he pays for you and your kids for settling. What do you think his family will think of that? They will think you are a golddigger taking advantage of their son. Is that how you want the relationship with your potential futire in laws to start off?

I think you need to be honest with yourself and with us too. You cant buy a house on your own, you need him to contribute to the deposit and to get a mortagage. I dont think you should be doing that until the relationship is formalised by marriage or civil partnership.

This. OP, this would be a deeply unwise decision.

Yes, this. If he’s not prepared to do that then rethink the relationship. And it’s ridiculous to need several months to settle the kids especially when you only plan on working part time. Get the new job, delay the start date by a couple of weeks, get them settled. But yeah I agree also that you should be honest that you’d have no hope of buying without him because unless you have 200k squirreled away, you won’t be able to afford anywhere on the sort of mortgage you would get. Which is presumably what is driving a lot of this. It’s a bad idea to just jump straight into buying though. Live in a rental for a year or two and then decide whether to buy. Rethink the new baby unless he’s desperate for kids and can’t see a future without his own ones.

You are risking your childrens financial security and family ties (yes, only your parents, but it sounds like they spend a considerable amount of time with them that would vanish literally overnight if you moved) to be with a man. That is naive. And may decide that living full time with kids is no fun and ditch the lot of you.
And why couldn't you find a place in between? It all sounds like his terms, never a good sign.

Why?

Are you saying that within 2 years you hardly know someone? So at what stage should people move on with their lives? when kids are 18, when you have known that person 10 years?

A number of friends now live as blended families - and they seem to be very happy. They had normally been with partner around 2 years or more and it seemed a natural decision.

Is there an area near to you that would be feasible for your kids to still stay at their school and grandparents still help ? But is a little bit nearer to his job and bit nicer? Sometimes just a few streets away can be easier commute? Then you could rent together for a year in slightly nicer house. But keep your job and keep tight grip on your hard earned savings? If all goes well you can both look to buy in that area.
He can look to see how his job can be moved ? Or hours change?
You and your kids have more to lose here.

Because it's a gamble whether it works or not. Why gamble with your kids stability? My dad did with mine and it was miserable.

It’s only on Mumsnet that a 2 year relationship is “someone you just met” and a long term boyfriend is described a fuck buddy and all blended families are terrible for kids and having a relationship is just selfish. I also know plenty of happy blended families and plenty of kids who grew up in one and who are happy. The types of people who write it are either married and can’t/don’t contemplate what it would be like if their own marriage broke down or they are divorced but have decided to not date at all until their kids are adults and are outraged that not everyone is making the same sacrifice. Some of them will also be ones that had a difficult experience in a blended family but for every one of those, there will be someone whose experience was happy because generally adding people who love and care for you to your life is a good thing. Obviously the issue is where they don’t love and care for you.

This isn’t ‘blending families’ though it’s moving away from family and uprooting kids from schools etc to move in with a childless man who lives with his parents.

This isn’t two single parents working out the best scenario for both families.

The logical solution would be for the childless one who lives at home to be moving - after all he’s got nothing to lose if it goes wrong whereas she’s giving up a lot.

That’s true although I suspect the OP is the one pushing the moving in which might be why he doesn’t want to move. And also given that he is the only one who can get a decent mortgage he might feel that he doesn’t want to buy in area he doesn’t want to live in. While he has less to lose, there’s also less in it for him to go along with this.
Either way it doesn’t sound great at the moment, they need a trial run of living together before buying. I think in terms of blending, it can actually be much easier if one party doesn’t have kids as a lot of the unhappiness can come from not getting on with step siblings, feeling your parent is giving love and attention to a step child and feeling pushed out, conflicts in parenting styles and having to share rooms and space with step siblings that you may not like or who may be actively nasty to you. At least OP doesn’t have to deal with that stuff.

But everything is a gamble and has knock on effects - the gamble could enrich everyones lives and make it even better.

My wife leaving me was a gamble - so far it's working out ok, but my daughter has struggled with some things over last 12 months in a small way. Had we stayed together it would have been slightly better for her, and for the family group as a whole - better lifestyle etc... That messed with their stability but many threads on here are replied with as "leave him/her".

I’m surprised of PPs answers, especially the ones saying that as a single parent you can have relationships but not cohabit.

From what I understand you are renting at the moment so worse case scenario if it doesn’t go as planned you can move back without much hassle and without having lost money.
How old are your children? Let’s say 5 and 7: at this age they will make friends very easily.
Re GP living nearby: you need to factor in childcare cost but once your kids are in primary school the price of after school club is lower than nursery fees so not that bad. Relationship-wise lots of children leave a few h away from their GP and have a close relationship.
All this to say I would go for it, it seems that you and your BF have a good plan and the fact that he is happy to pay more is a good sign. He is also planning for you to buy property together,
again, a good sign.

Exactly.
Similarly, should people never have DC in case they end up divorcing?