Uprooting life for long distance partner. Am I being unreasonable?

[vraimenthan]

I have 2 children and my partner has none. We’ve been together about 2 years and the distance is between an hour to an hour 20 drive each way depending on traffic. We’ve recently discussed moving in together as it feels like the next natural step. My children don’t have a dad in their life and really look up to him and they’ve got a great bond.

I work and have my own little house and he lives with his family and works full time. We’ve come to the decision as he has a very well payed niche job that I would move to him. My children are still youngish and would be fine with changing schools as it feels right. I would have to quit my job though and move away from family and friends, which if it all turns out alright in the long term I’d be fine with. The one thing that’s no my sitting right with me is the fact that I feel like a bit of a burden. We’ve totted up the costs etc and to start of with over expressed that he would have to cover a majority of bills etc while I’m looking for a job as I want to make sure my children are settled for a couple of months before working and even then he would have to then front 65% ish of bills after I work as I would have no family childcare options. We’ve not got plans for a year or so and then wanted to try for a baby once we were all settled but I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable for asking him to cover more of the bills. For reference he makes about 50k a year and I would work around the kids which if it’s similar to what I currently do is about £1200 a month 20 hours.

O absolutely, I was about to say, 12 - this has self deluding disaster written all over it, those poor hapless children.

Why women come on here musing, with half cocked notions, receive good advice,tough talking, then backpedal like moody teenagers is still a source
of incredulity to me and probably others, taking the time and mental space
to advise caution.

What Is his job? Could he for example condense his hours monday-thursday and stay with his parents 1 night,max 2 per week but live with you and your family the rest of the time?

Allow him to properly move in,do cooking cleaning,bill paying etc. You've a lot more to loose than him. 80 mins commute isn't too bad ?

Sorry OP I agree with most other posters here. Maybe I'm tainted by my own views but I think you are looking at things with rose tinted glasses.
I think most of us on mumsnet know cohabiting/marriage and men in general are bad news especially when you already have children. Most posters on here that are married are unhappy nevermind blended families. If you are happy with your current set up I would stay as you are. Forget society expectations of 'must live together - must get married' etc. it seems like you have the best of both worlds at the moment and moving in with this man in general would change everything about your relationship. Nevermind the fact you would be giving up your whole life and childcare for not much benefit. Especially if he has never lived alone. I would buy your own property and let him buy his own and see what happens In the next few years. If you still feel that urge to live together and he proves himself as reliable and beneficial to you and your kids then maybe but I definitely wouldn't uproot your kids or give up any kind of security for it. And I'd bet money on another years time you'll have gone off the idea altogether

This. It’s a huge gamble and you are the one who loses if it does not work out.

For context on the commute... I live in a largish city (top 5 say) and have a 1hr-1hr15 commute each way every day just to cross the city. It's really not that unusual or hideous.

If he isn't willing to do that, when you would be losing sooooo much more then he really isn't the great guy you think he is sorry :/

@vraimenthan
As above.
If it all goes pear shaped, what are you left with? Do not jeopardise your kid’s future security. Put them first.

Don't do it. Retain your job and your independence.

Ok so I'm in a similar situation to you. Single mum, 2 kids, eldest is 7 and I've been with my bf for 2 years.
I totally get where you are coming from and while I personally don't want to live with my bf while my children are still children (not judgement just terrible past situation when living with their dad), what you do for your life is totally up to you! I think as long as you are being sensible about this which it seems you are, you're just starting to discuss plans for in the future but are willing to be flexible and see how they go. Just make sure you aren't pressured into anything you don't want to do and have a plan for if it doesn't work. No one on here knows the situation like you do and if you genuinely think this move will improve you and your children's quality of life, you've thought it all through then you should do it.

Good

Then dont drag them away from all they know for some chap you've known for 2 minutes 🙄

We work and make sure we can support ourselves and our kids without a man in our lives even if we do meet one. You'd be mad to trade your independence for dependence on a man. You're not a little girl, fairytale endings aren't real.

Oh come on. This is not theoretical: "We’ve come to the decision as he has a very well payed niche job that I would move to him. My children are still youngish and would be fine with changing schools as it feels right."

But as you're backtracking you must have realised what a bad idea this is, so good that you posted.

@LordSnot because I’ve considered all options it’s not theoretical 🤦🏼‍♀️ It’s an option that we have discussed on a couple of occasions and I’ve had a little think about and was asking about in a roundabout way for opinions. Not a plan, and certainly not in the immediate future as I’ve stated. Some people on here is so snipey

Seems pretty unanimous. I also totally agree.

I read the op more than once because I couldn't work out how the facts that were stated had led to the conclusion that it was better for the op to move than the bf

You'd be crazy to uproot settled children for a man.

OP could you afford a property in his area if you moved? If you do want to move away from where you live, could you buy on your own and then he could move in further down the line and also buy his own place to let out or something? It is a bit odd that he won’t consider moving at all when you’re the one with kids. I’d expect in this situation that he’d compromise and move in with you.

Oh and 2 years isn’t “you hardly know him”, blended families aren’t always bad for kids and yes, single parents are of course allowed a second chance of happiness. So ignore all that stuff but do protect yourself financially.

"We have decided" is an interesting way of presenting a hypothetical scenario.

The Op explained:

I currently rent my house and have 75% for a deposit on a house.

His plan is to buy a little house, live in in for 9 months- a year
( so he already has his deposit ? )

then when we’ve both got funds for a deposit on a house he will rent it out
( it seems it's only you that has to continue saving ? as you need another 25% ? )

and we will move into a rented accommodation for a 6 months - a year.

Make sure it works then buy a house together.

My goodness that's a lot of house moving -

1. you relocating to his area
2. him moving out of family home and buying somewhere
3. the 4 of you then move into a rental
4. 4 then the 4 of you move into a purchased house

@vraimenthan your original post was about whether you would be unreasonable to be a financial burden on your partner when you moved, not whether you should move at all. It wasn’t presented as hypothetical at all.

I say this kindly but I wonder whether you really want to make this work and have the happy ending and are perhaps not only ignoring a few flags, but not setting high enough expectations for your DP?

I say this as someone who tolerated incredibly shitty behaviour for 21 years from my exH, so no judgement!

This time I am genuinely happy in my life as a single mother, the kids are settled, my home is secure, I am doing well at work - my life is calm and under control in a way it never was when I was married. I think of our life (the 3 of us) like a castle and I only lower the drawbridge to let people in if they add to mine and the kids’ lives. That goes for friends and family, not only partners. So I wouldn’t be leaving the castle to move us to an uncertain future. I love DP extremely and would be devastated if we split, but we only have a future if he is prepared to join the castle on my terms - I sound inflexible but my kids have 12 years of childhood left (until DD is 18, and they will need me beyond that) - if he wants to build a life with me he needs to understand they are the priority at least until 2036. My exH never prioritised us, so this is the least I can do for them as their mother. I’m the oak - their dad can be an unreliable dickhead but they need to know that I am the stable home.

I say this because your post about whether you’d be a burden to him was all about whether you’re unreasonable in your expectations of him (not at all given the upheaval you were potentially going to experience for his benefit) - as opposed to asking whether it was reasonable to expect him to move to you (yes completely reasonable in the circumstances you describe)

Suggests to me that you might want to do some work in therapy about boundaries, expectations, seeking the kind of life you deserve etc etc

He should move and live with you for a year or two and commute and then you see how it goes. I commuted 3 hours each way for years when my dc were little. 1-1.5 hours is literally nothing. It takes me 35 minutes just to drive to the station to begin my commute! I do that because my dc have a life where we live and we have a family business and we're all settled and happy.

and...

' I would have to quit my job though '

that will not be good for getting a mortgage
nor will that be good for securing a new tenancy ?
and that will set you back saving up for the rest of your deposit ?

' The one thing that’s no my sitting right with me is the fact that I feel like a bit of a burden.
We’ve totted up the costs etc and to start of with over expressed that he would have to cover a majority of bills etc while I’m looking for a job as I want to make sure my children are settled for a couple of months before working and even then he would have to then front 65% ish of bills after I work as I would have no family childcare options. '

so whilst you are sitting in your new rental, saving up the rest of your deposit, and settling your children in, you won't be working
thus
he will be paying his new mortgage / your rent / all the bills etc. for 2 homes for ' a couple of months '
then 65% of your costs and 100% of his costs, once you have found a new job.

I have read and understood this correctly, haven't I.

2 minutes? It’s been 2 years 😂

"albeit a bit naive but that’s why he we agreed on him living on his own for a year"

Good God. He's so immature he has to practice living alone for a year?
Who came up that idea?

What age is he, and has he never lived away from his Mum and Dad?

Have you spent much time with his parents, like do they buy your kids Christmas presents and stuff?

I think some people are being a bit snippy (especially as you aren’t exactly jumping into this after knowing him a month) but there are some good points. You obviously have some niggles if you are posting.
I guess I would be interested to see how he manages on his own- you probably already have a sense but will he run a household, cook, clean etc?

Is there an alternative? Is there a place in between but closer to you so that you are nearish family and possibly the same school he can still commute? Is there a way of ring fencing your money? You say you feel a burden but you are the one with a decent deposit who has been running a household and 2 kids just fine and may end up in a worse position- if it doesn’t work for him he just moves back home.

You don’t have to decide right now- talk through the options and either way he probably should be buying and moving out and then see where you are up to in a year?