Split with DH recently. Help!

[CarterOL]

Hi I was hoping for some sound advice?

I split with DH of 8 years 11 days ango and I’m not sure if I made the right decision. It is driving me crazy and I can’t stop crying when I’m alone.

We have been having difficulty for a year. He was diagnosed with a health condition due to an accident at work which really made him low, put on weight and the like. His mother had died a 3 years ago which he ever got over. He would get depressed easy and had a terrible outlook on life. Sometimes he would be happy, other times sad.

I myself have recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and have been finding my love of life has vanished. I’ve lost all sex drive, and stopped being overly sexual with him. It’s very hard when I’m in constant pain. He tried his best to be understanding but I knew I was letting him down.

So naturally for the last year or so we bickered. We had big fights, small fights. Never violence, he never once hurt me nor I him.

11 days ago we had another fight. He said something stupid, I got sad. He snapped, I snapped. He left the house to calm down and then when he came back tried to apologise. Now my sister had come to see me randomly and was there. She told me to get rid of him because he was making me unhappy.

DH came home. I told him it was over. He got his things and I let him leave. He messaged me a lot at first that he loved me, he was sorry, he wanted to try talking and coming back but I didn’t let him. I ignored his cries and let him sleep on the street in the rain. It got to a point he wanted to kill himself but made no actual attempt.

He has been living rough for nearly the entire time, but I haven’t let him back into the home despite. We have a mortgage together and he could come asking but as yet he has not. He is trying to protect DD but has stopped paying some bills.

I’m scared I made the wrong decision. Because I was unhappy with how he made me feel but I never sat down and discussed this with him. People keep saying either if you are not happy it’s right but also he was a good man and I never just talked to him about thing. We just bickered over small thing that would escalate into bigger fights.

I know he would take me back but I let him sleep outside. Could it ever be normal between us? My family keep telling me to be alone and I don’t want to go against them.

But he is the father to my DD and I miss him so.

What should I do?

Why don't you go and stay with your parents? Why do you get to decide?

I don't understand your chopping and changing OP. Towards the beginning of your post you said that you loved him and wanted him back. You've since spoken to your parents and are now saying "But I just don’t see it as a good idea him comes back to the house. It wouldn’t be possible for us both to stay there together."

Do you feel no shame? What did you think your wedding vows meant when they mentioned loving and supporting in sickness and health etc?

Anyway, you'll be delighted to know that I have the answer based on your last post and your comment above. You move in with your parents who will welcome you with open arms and your husband moves back home and looks after your daughter. Everyone wins. No arguments in front of DD; DH is home and not out on the street; and your parents have successfully driven a wedge between you with you as the puppet whose strings are being pulled. Whatever you do, please don't find a new partner. No one will live down to your low standards and morals.

There is a reason you're getting vitriol here. You deserve it.

Each of you are going through separate issues and are both ignoring each others needs, resulting in you both lashing out.

You both need to find a solution that benefits your relationship however at the same tome
dealing and coping with your individual issues.

Your not protecting your dd from
ber father, id imagine she would be deeply upset that her father is sleeping out in the street.

You cannot keep him away from his home and living in the street, it’s absolutely absurd that you think this is even acceptable.

I wonder if op has learning difficulties to not be grasping the situation and to have her parents/family so heavily involved

I hope you're ok OP.

You're awful OP and you need to come back down to planet earth, there's no legal advice that will enable you to keep the house.

Why don't you move in with your parents seeing as you're in their pockets so much?

I fucking don't.

What you seem to be ignoring though is the fact that it’s half his house. Why do you get to choose that you stay there and he lives on the streets? Are you not even worried about him sleeping rough? Is he safe?

Then go to stay with your parents and let him stay in the house that is half his.

If he comes back I don’t think we can live together. It would be impossible to just exist and not fight or get in each others way. And then wouldn’t DD suffer? It’s not fair on us.

Then you need to sell the house and split the equity so that you can both house yourselves.

But its ok for him to live a terrible life on the street. I work with homeless. Its awful for them. Just think about it for one moment exactly what hes going through. Hes probably lost his job now too. I guess youll next start blaming him that hes not contributing to your child 🤦🏻‍♀️ you really are something else op. How can you be so cruel. Im alright Jack 🙄

You need to let him move back in, if you can’t live with him then you need to move in with your parents.

Wow, if this is true then you and your family are beyond unhinged!

Your daughter will one day know how you treated her father. How your family treated him.

You are throwing away your future relationship with her. I hope it's worth it.

I don’t agree that I or my family are wrong or unhinged. I will say maybe I have handled this badly.

But it’s too late. And I can’t physically do anything. My parents and my sister would disown me if took him back in. I can’t promise it would be ok. I know he is homeless but that really isn’t something I feel I’m able to fix now…

I know you all dislike me but I really have no idea how I fix this mess. I’m stuck between losing my family or losing my husband. Or right now both.

You are absolutely vile.

Your family do not get a say, how can you not see that?

You are equally responsible for the mess your marriage is in.

You've blown it way out of proportion.

Imagine if he'd done this to you, that you were suffering with depression and had an accident and he made you sleep on the street.

I hope he comes back and claims what's his and you can go live with your family as they're clearly more important than the man you made a commitment to.

I thought I'd read it all on this forum. I have now.

Well thankfully it’s not just for you to fix, your husband can fix it by getting himself solicitor. Legally he has a right to be in the house and you can not stop him from living there.

@CarterOL so you go stay with your amazing family then and let him at least have a bed to sleep in and access to water and food.

Theres just no getting through to you is there?! As long as you're alright, who gives a care about him hey. You are a Selfish individual. You have family to move to, he has no one and no house, he is on the street with no one to turn to, suffering from depression.

Well, if he kills himself, you can explain to your daughter what you and your family did.

You have definitely handled this badly but of course it's not too late and you can physically do something. You can go and find him and tell him he can stay at the house while you stay with your parents. That way you'll both have a roof over your head while you divorce, sell the house and split the proceeds. Your DD can stay 50:50 like other families manage with their DC after divorce.

That's how you fix this mess.

I’m sorry everybody. I just don’t know how to resolve this the right way. I know it’s wrong he is even with his brother at all. The other stuff is bad but I genuinely don’t know if I can fix it now.

I want to help him but don’t know what I can do.

You don’t want to do anything. You want to stay in the house, with the car, with your life undisturbed. You don’t give a shit about him, it’s quite clear you only care about the impact of it all on you.
He’s entitled to half the house, and your other joint assets. If there’s no hope for your marriage (and for his sake, I hope that’s what you decide), then you instruct a solicitor so that he can get access to his share and house himself. As for your family, it seems like you’re all cut from the same cloth so I’m sure you’ll all figure it out and be happy.