Split with DH recently. Help!

[CarterOL]

Hi I was hoping for some sound advice?

I split with DH of 8 years 11 days ango and I’m not sure if I made the right decision. It is driving me crazy and I can’t stop crying when I’m alone.

We have been having difficulty for a year. He was diagnosed with a health condition due to an accident at work which really made him low, put on weight and the like. His mother had died a 3 years ago which he ever got over. He would get depressed easy and had a terrible outlook on life. Sometimes he would be happy, other times sad.

I myself have recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and have been finding my love of life has vanished. I’ve lost all sex drive, and stopped being overly sexual with him. It’s very hard when I’m in constant pain. He tried his best to be understanding but I knew I was letting him down.

So naturally for the last year or so we bickered. We had big fights, small fights. Never violence, he never once hurt me nor I him.

11 days ago we had another fight. He said something stupid, I got sad. He snapped, I snapped. He left the house to calm down and then when he came back tried to apologise. Now my sister had come to see me randomly and was there. She told me to get rid of him because he was making me unhappy.

DH came home. I told him it was over. He got his things and I let him leave. He messaged me a lot at first that he loved me, he was sorry, he wanted to try talking and coming back but I didn’t let him. I ignored his cries and let him sleep on the street in the rain. It got to a point he wanted to kill himself but made no actual attempt.

He has been living rough for nearly the entire time, but I haven’t let him back into the home despite. We have a mortgage together and he could come asking but as yet he has not. He is trying to protect DD but has stopped paying some bills.

I’m scared I made the wrong decision. Because I was unhappy with how he made me feel but I never sat down and discussed this with him. People keep saying either if you are not happy it’s right but also he was a good man and I never just talked to him about thing. We just bickered over small thing that would escalate into bigger fights.

I know he would take me back but I let him sleep outside. Could it ever be normal between us? My family keep telling me to be alone and I don’t want to go against them.

But he is the father to my DD and I miss him so.

What should I do?

You tell your solicitor you need time to think and you tell your parents respectfully to butt out. This isn’t their rodeo. At the moment you have to put your daughter, your husband and you first. Finding him has to be the next step, that’s where you have to concentrate all your effort.

I promised myself I wouldn't comment again but, OMG, the crap you are spouting. Your solicitor emailed you at 7.41am? Nonsense. No solicitor would start work for a client that early. Your parents cannot legally ban him from your house either. The police want to know about him – how can they when you haven't reported him missing?

Yep, it's lies.

You're not mentally incompetent so stop pretending you're being pushed along by things outside your control. You are choosing to and responsible for destroying his life . No one is making you do this, sto hiding behind other people, you're not a victim or hard done by and you are completely responsible for destroying his life and for whatever happens to him on the streets. I couldn't believe for a long time how abusive my ex was, how a person who supposedly loved you could make you feel terrified and worthless, but he's got nothing on you.

This is all a load of made up madness!

@CarterOL the fact that people did start to believe you were a genuine person shows how manipulative you are. I call bullshit on every single thing you've said and in the nicest way possible, fuck you and your parents. Yous are the lowest of the low honestly. I pray your husband can sort himself and move on and be better than he ever was with you and hopefully when your DD is old enough to understand she will want to see the back of you and your family aswell.

If this is indeed true. Why is it your parents want him legally out of the house? What's been said to them to make them want this for you? As, by your own admission, you've just argued. Which believe me is normal when life is busy.

So you sought legal advice last week.

Had a quick random call yesterday and your solicitor emailed you pre 8am to push you to make an appointment for a follow up and next steps.

The solicitors themselves? Not a secretary or PA. And they are pushing you to make an appointment to plan and start your divorce. After just some legal advice last week? That was just around a normal ‘I am not happy I want a divorce’ conversation?

Really?

I’ve already seen my solicitor previously. Yes they emailed me early I don’t see how this is an issue. I have been known to mail clients all hours of the night when working and if it’s a simple message there isn’t much to be said that wasn’t said yesterday.

i don’t see the issue there I don’t ask when to receive things.

As it is right now, my solicitor is advising me that I don’t allow my husband back home due to his diminished mental capacity from the threat of trying to kill himself during the first instance and his instability through the week that he has shown to others. her advice is that as he is not of sound mind he cannot be allowed near me my home or my daughter and certainly is not to be back there living for our safety.

the fact he is homeless and medically unwell isn’t relevant to them and doesn’t matter. they want me to put court order block on him from being able to even see his daughter so that he can only see her at certain times with other people present.

its got so out of hand now I can’t stop it and dont know what to do. My parents have spent hundreds on this solicitor already and they are trying to keep us safe. I don’t think he is a danger but what if he is? I do want him to get help but i do see what they are saying.

👏Bravo on the doubling down!

Isn't it fortunate that every time posters start to question your narrative, you are suddenly able to magic up a new drip-feed to keep the thread going! What are the chances!

Seriously, stop now.

If you continue with this you are literally signing his death certificate. You know this has gone too far, you know he doesn’t deserve this. Grow up, do the right thing, tell your parents to back off, stop sending letters from your solicitor and find your poor husband.

As it is right now, my solicitor is advising me that I don’t allow my husband back home due to his diminished mental capacity from the threat of trying to kill himself during the first instance and his instability through the week that he has shown to others. her advice is that as he is not of sound mind he cannot be allowed near me my home or my daughter and certainly is not to be back there living for our safety.

Again, rubbish. Unless you've got sworn statements from witnesses who have been with him and a crisis assessment of his mental health to back it up, a court won't ban him based on hearsay. Any decent solicitor would know that. For all you know, he's at someone's house with his feet up, having a cup of tea, and has seen his GP for extra medication etc because you've stopped his access to it.

Or are sworn statements and a mental health crisis assessment the next big drip-feed?

Your disgusting, honestly you are the biggest scum bag I have ever came across in all my life. You heartless vile piece of shit. Solicitor bullshit, your solicitor is no more a solicitor than fleeing air clearly. I hope your daughter is removed from your care because it's clearly you who is mentally unstable and a danger to people because you are the most calculated person ever

Nothing has changed since last night though OP. You were going to find him. You implied you knew you were wrong and were going to look for him. There's nothing new from the solicitors is there? So, disregard, tell them thanks for your input but at this stage you won't be taking it any further.
Besides saying to you he wanted to end his life, what unstable behaviour has your dh shown in the last week. Because I'm fairly sure I'd be acting unstable if someone had taken literally everything from me. My home, daughter, Job, car, clothes, personal items..nit to mention my safety, security and peace of mind.

Now stop this nonsense.

You keep saying your family are supportive of you, but actually they’re the opposite because their support is entirely dependent on you doing what they want, towing their line. You say they’ll disown you if you help your husband, how is that supportive?

Come on, OP, give us a happy ending!

Shall we do a sweepstake? I reckon by page 36 she'll have found him, told her parents to do one, sacked the solicitor. All tied up in a neat bow.

You can stop this. You aren't the victim here, you are able to say no more. Still astounded by your attitude.

@CarterOL I have a slightly different suggestion. Depending on where you live, OP, I'd be happy to help search with you for your husband and give you some moral support. I'm certain others would too in different parts of the country. The we can put this nonsense to bed and you can see kindness in action as opposed top the toxic poison that's being dripped into your ears by those around you.

It’s not that I don’t want to find him. it is just that I have legal professionals telling me not to. I appreciate all what you are saying and I do agree. But I can not go back on this just because of feeling guilty or knowing it is wrong. legally I was told that I am locked in and that anything i do that is counter to what has been put in place is on me and my decision but if it did get out of hand ever again I wouldn’t have much chance in the eyes of the law.

this is not me saying I won’t. It’s me saying I’m being careful of the situation

And the medication that miraculously appeared because he didn't seek help...

It's impossible to know what is true on this thread, since you've contradicted yourself and been untruthful repeatedly.

First you said you would look into legal advice, then it turns out you've already spoken to a solicitor.

You said you had messaged him yesterday, then admitted that was a lie.

You claimed that the solicitor "wouldn't allow" your DH to return to the house, but in fact you instructed the solicitor to write an email telling him he couldn't come back (it's not legally binding, of course, but maybe your poor DH doesn't know that).

You said you wouldn't be able to afford to stay in the house without his financial contribution and it would "destroy" you, then declared that your parents would pay to support you.

You said you didn't know where he was seen, just that it was a location near you, then reversed course and admitted you did know where he was.

And on and on and on.

Have you actually contacted the police? If not, why not? Have you tried phoning him? No one can stop you from doing those things.

OP's nn is an anagram of care trol.

This is absolute bullshit it is my name good lord that is a reach