Split with DH recently. Help!

[CarterOL]

Hi I was hoping for some sound advice?

I split with DH of 8 years 11 days ango and I’m not sure if I made the right decision. It is driving me crazy and I can’t stop crying when I’m alone.

We have been having difficulty for a year. He was diagnosed with a health condition due to an accident at work which really made him low, put on weight and the like. His mother had died a 3 years ago which he ever got over. He would get depressed easy and had a terrible outlook on life. Sometimes he would be happy, other times sad.

I myself have recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and have been finding my love of life has vanished. I’ve lost all sex drive, and stopped being overly sexual with him. It’s very hard when I’m in constant pain. He tried his best to be understanding but I knew I was letting him down.

So naturally for the last year or so we bickered. We had big fights, small fights. Never violence, he never once hurt me nor I him.

11 days ago we had another fight. He said something stupid, I got sad. He snapped, I snapped. He left the house to calm down and then when he came back tried to apologise. Now my sister had come to see me randomly and was there. She told me to get rid of him because he was making me unhappy.

DH came home. I told him it was over. He got his things and I let him leave. He messaged me a lot at first that he loved me, he was sorry, he wanted to try talking and coming back but I didn’t let him. I ignored his cries and let him sleep on the street in the rain. It got to a point he wanted to kill himself but made no actual attempt.

He has been living rough for nearly the entire time, but I haven’t let him back into the home despite. We have a mortgage together and he could come asking but as yet he has not. He is trying to protect DD but has stopped paying some bills.

I’m scared I made the wrong decision. Because I was unhappy with how he made me feel but I never sat down and discussed this with him. People keep saying either if you are not happy it’s right but also he was a good man and I never just talked to him about thing. We just bickered over small thing that would escalate into bigger fights.

I know he would take me back but I let him sleep outside. Could it ever be normal between us? My family keep telling me to be alone and I don’t want to go against them.

But he is the father to my DD and I miss him so.

What should I do?

@CarterOL, what's actually going on here? You say you're a PA, whoxh takes a level of intelligence and responsibility right? And yet you come across as callous, but also deluded. Who are you?
What hold do your family have over you that you cannot make a decision yourself. You seem too scared to make one. Despite all the evidence on here stating how wrong you are being? Are your parents abusive?
The way you write, I don't believe you instructed your solicitor yourself. Your parents were at the appointment weren't they? And they pushed for everything your solicitor has filled your head with.
I promise you, what they are saying isn't going to happen. And continue in this manner towards your husband and he takes you to court for access to your DD...YOU will lose her. Not him. Carry on this way, and 6 mo the down the line, your DH and DD will be living in your home, as ordered by the courts and you..you'll be in a council flat. I wish you luck.

you are already harming her

don't you think she misses her dad?

if her dad dies and she has to grow up without a dad because of you? is that not harming her?

Honestly sounds like he is better off without the lot of ye and maybe now he's had some time away he has seen that.
Good luck finding someone to take you and your charming family on in the future though.

Why is OP unable to think or do anything for herself?

It's a bit hard to WFH when you're homeless. You won't get CM from someone who isn't working.

@Humanswarm Council flats not so easy to get. my guess is OP will be back at her parents if that happens
but likely house will just be repossessed at this rate. and this poor little girl, where will she live?

I think that truthfully maybe I did allow my parents and sister to speak in my behalf too much. I did speak I did put my voice over. But they did overshadow me.

my family have always had a bit of a choke hold on my life. I’m the younger sister ever since we were little she was always the boss of me. My parents have always had to give their opinion on my life choices and pushed me towards what they want over what I think is best. I can not deny that.

You say you are a pa, is your job connected to your family at all, where they instrumental in you getting the job?

Not at all no

@CarterOL then now is your time to stop this madness because I promise you, your family are not right. What your doing is not right.
You are allowed to not with to be with your husband any longer but you owe him basic rights. Such as a roof over his head and access to his child.
You can leave this marriage, but do it with some dignity

I’ve said it and I’ll say it again, telephone your husband and check he is alive and okay. Your solicitor (who wouldn’t care anyway) and your family wouldn’t even have to find out. There is nothing legally stopping you from contacting him.

Because half of the house belongs to him. Even if he doesn't live there. When you get divorced you will have to sell the house and give him half of the profit. With your half you can buy another property or rent. He does this same. That's how it works.

Kindly OP do you have any ALN?

No I do not.

I have heard from a friend that he is still sleeping on the street but I do not know where. Apparently it is in a location near to me.

You are DEFINITELY unhinged. But it's actually obvious you get it from your vile family.

OK now it's obvious that this is a wind up.

And you are okay with that?

Can you honestly say you’ll be able to look your daughter in the eye when she’s older and say ‘Yes I let Dad sleep on the streets when you were younger’ and she’ll be okay with that? He is going to die unless you sort yourself out and contact him.

I’ve posted segments from one of the letters she sent so no it is not.

Your imaginary daughter 😂

A strange sort of PA, they're usually well organised with good communication skills.

Why didn't you ask your friend where your DH is? You were content with a vague reference to a location near you? WTF?

Phone him. You have autonomy and agency. You're an adult and can make your own decisions. Forget everything your parents and sister have said, forget everything you think you heard the solicitor say. Just phone your DH and the police.

I know where he was seen. I said that as I didn’t want to list it here.

And my daughter is far from imaginary thank you

Re the letter, solicitors will write anything you tell them to, the key point is they do actually make it clear that if he does move back in they'll apply for an occupation order - may or may not get it though. That's as close an admission to the fact he can legally return as you'll get. Of course they won't state he's entitled to half the house, the courts would award that, he might get 80% you 20% or other way around but no he isn't categorically entitled to 50% but that does not mean he won't get it. Talk to your manager at work or a decent colleague and ask if they can accompany you to visit a different lawyer, don't ask what you can do just ask for a decent idea of all the likely outcomes.

And last but not least Google parental alienation and why you are at risk of losing your dd

I don’t care about the home. I just think I’ve made a mistake and can not fix it now. It is too late.

It's not too late. Give your husband a call. Arrange a time for him to come and talk. Forget family and solicitors.

It's not too late. There's plenty you can do. It's probably too late to save your marriage but you can still do the right thing and let your DH back in the house.

If you know the area he has been seen go out and try to find him. Tell him to come back home. If need be you pack up your things and go live with your family until the housing situation can be resolved.

But I'm sure you have some excuse as to why you won't do any of that.