Split with DH recently. Help!

[CarterOL]

Hi I was hoping for some sound advice?

I split with DH of 8 years 11 days ango and I’m not sure if I made the right decision. It is driving me crazy and I can’t stop crying when I’m alone.

We have been having difficulty for a year. He was diagnosed with a health condition due to an accident at work which really made him low, put on weight and the like. His mother had died a 3 years ago which he ever got over. He would get depressed easy and had a terrible outlook on life. Sometimes he would be happy, other times sad.

I myself have recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and have been finding my love of life has vanished. I’ve lost all sex drive, and stopped being overly sexual with him. It’s very hard when I’m in constant pain. He tried his best to be understanding but I knew I was letting him down.

So naturally for the last year or so we bickered. We had big fights, small fights. Never violence, he never once hurt me nor I him.

11 days ago we had another fight. He said something stupid, I got sad. He snapped, I snapped. He left the house to calm down and then when he came back tried to apologise. Now my sister had come to see me randomly and was there. She told me to get rid of him because he was making me unhappy.

DH came home. I told him it was over. He got his things and I let him leave. He messaged me a lot at first that he loved me, he was sorry, he wanted to try talking and coming back but I didn’t let him. I ignored his cries and let him sleep on the street in the rain. It got to a point he wanted to kill himself but made no actual attempt.

He has been living rough for nearly the entire time, but I haven’t let him back into the home despite. We have a mortgage together and he could come asking but as yet he has not. He is trying to protect DD but has stopped paying some bills.

I’m scared I made the wrong decision. Because I was unhappy with how he made me feel but I never sat down and discussed this with him. People keep saying either if you are not happy it’s right but also he was a good man and I never just talked to him about thing. We just bickered over small thing that would escalate into bigger fights.

I know he would take me back but I let him sleep outside. Could it ever be normal between us? My family keep telling me to be alone and I don’t want to go against them.

But he is the father to my DD and I miss him so.

What should I do?

I will try. I will try.

I'm going to guess that the solicitor you saw was a ringer called in by your family to tell you what they wanted.

But why have you let all this happen?

Please ring him and get him home safe. But please be aware he is going to be very traumatised and will probably need to see a doctor ASAP.

Did you see the solicitor in an actual office?

@CarterOL how can you say your husband is ok and he is sleeping on the streets, the two are polar opposites.

Fast forward 20 years and your daughter is married and they have an argument which most couples do occasionally and your parents tell your daughter that if she doesn't leave him immediately they will disown her, what advice would you give to your daughter? Actually don't answer that because I'm pretty sure you are gonna be exactly the same as your parents. He will get half the house and he will get court ordered access to your daughter and I'm so relieved that she will have one decent parent who isn't a complete selfish twat who still listens to mummy and daddy. Your parents are abusive and toxic

My parents/sister are not toxic. Maybe a little over bearing. But they mean well and only have my best interests at heart even if the things they say and do don’t reflect that at times.

i do see the problems people are saying. I do see the heartache this is likely causing my DD more than anything else never mind my DH.

i do see all these issues are ones I have created and I am trying. I just drove out to see if I could see him and no I can not see him.

but I am also sure that now we have paid to see a solicitor yes in an office that my parents will go crazy at me if I try and help him.

and yes that does make me a chicken and also a baby. Which is what I am I know.

but I am very scared now and am trying to do the right thing. He will not answer my calls. He will not answer my texts. I know I have broken him.

and I am so regretful of this whole thing.

you can call the police and report him missing.

also you can text him and say you want him to come home and that although the relationship is over, he is welcome to stay until the divorce is sorted or he has a proper place to stay

@CarterOL if you can’t find him and he won’t answer your calls or messages you must contact the police and report him missing. It’s the kindest thing you can do now. Does he have an iPhone? If so are you able to track him?

Whilst it’s hard to believe all this bollocks, I will back the poster who said that your DH could end up with your child and get nothing. I have had extensive dealings with family court with my DCs. My Ex was into very serious shit and I was told by SS to stop him seeing their father or risk having them removed from my care. So I did. We went through the whole process, and he ended up with 50/50 care, no bother. I had evidence of his lifestyle, but he had never been convicted, so that was that.

you do not want to go to court with either your current mindset or keeping him from your DC because you will be penalized for that. Of course he is entitled to half the house, and 50/50 (which he will get) means he will pay no maintenance. So start cutting your cloth accordingly.

I have not read one post on here that agrees with your stance. It’s best you bare that in mind going forward. Also, it is you that will suffer the consequences of your actions, not your family. I can assure you that humiliation is what lays ahead of you

@CarterOL genuine question, what exactly will you do when your parents aren't here anymore and you need to stand on your own two feet without their input ????? They won't be here forever

Toxic people issue unreasonable ultimatums. That what your parents have done. They haven't asked what you need, they have told you what to do, and if you don't do it you're cut off. You are looking at this back to front. Call your husband. If he doesn't reply call the police and get him listed as a missing person. Now.

Did you tell the solicitor he threatened you?

Being suicidal and depressed doesn't make you a potential family annihilator which is what it sounds like your dh is being framed as.

Do you really want make things better?

Bring him home.
Tell him you want a divorce and sell the house
You each get your own places and share custody.

How old are you and you dh?

@CarterOL you took your daughter to try and find her sleeping rough father, you are utterly thoughtless and damaging your child.

How does she feel now, I should imagine totally traumatised.

Get her some help swiftly.

What are your texts saying?

He'd be soft in the head to take you back. You let him sleep rough despite not being violent or done any harm to you all because your sister told you to? That's shocking on your part.

He is better off without you.

So how did you go looking for him?

Jesus, this has to be up there with the thickest posts of all time😂😂😂

I did not take my daughter no. I drove around the area I was told he was seen and places I presumed he would be. I will try again this evening and leave me DD with my parents if I don’t hear anything.

i know I’ve made a mistake. I just hope I can help him. You are all so right. He has not been well and I have made him live on the streets and be homeless.

So where was your daughter then?

I'm glad you've seen sense and are trying to sort this situation out. You can't undo the mistakes you've made but well done for recognising where you went wrong and trying to resolve it.

Op I really hope you are real and sincere.

A lot of people are worried about your Dh in here, and I hope you find the strength to do the right thing, and stop listening to your family.

If they are willing to disown you because of this, they aren't worth having in your life.

No one should want to see another person suffer and it sounds like that's exactly what your family wants for your dh.

Think if it like this, your parents want your daughters dad to live on the street. Imagine them having to tell your daughter that her dad is really sad and they have decided he has to live with nothing.

Imagine having to have that same conversation with your daughter.

Do you see my point?

Are you going to tell your parents where you are going to say you're going?

Would you if you were me? I will see if I can find him first and then work out fixing the mess we have all caused.