Split with DH recently. Help!

[CarterOL]

Hi I was hoping for some sound advice?

I split with DH of 8 years 11 days ango and I’m not sure if I made the right decision. It is driving me crazy and I can’t stop crying when I’m alone.

We have been having difficulty for a year. He was diagnosed with a health condition due to an accident at work which really made him low, put on weight and the like. His mother had died a 3 years ago which he ever got over. He would get depressed easy and had a terrible outlook on life. Sometimes he would be happy, other times sad.

I myself have recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and have been finding my love of life has vanished. I’ve lost all sex drive, and stopped being overly sexual with him. It’s very hard when I’m in constant pain. He tried his best to be understanding but I knew I was letting him down.

So naturally for the last year or so we bickered. We had big fights, small fights. Never violence, he never once hurt me nor I him.

11 days ago we had another fight. He said something stupid, I got sad. He snapped, I snapped. He left the house to calm down and then when he came back tried to apologise. Now my sister had come to see me randomly and was there. She told me to get rid of him because he was making me unhappy.

DH came home. I told him it was over. He got his things and I let him leave. He messaged me a lot at first that he loved me, he was sorry, he wanted to try talking and coming back but I didn’t let him. I ignored his cries and let him sleep on the street in the rain. It got to a point he wanted to kill himself but made no actual attempt.

He has been living rough for nearly the entire time, but I haven’t let him back into the home despite. We have a mortgage together and he could come asking but as yet he has not. He is trying to protect DD but has stopped paying some bills.

I’m scared I made the wrong decision. Because I was unhappy with how he made me feel but I never sat down and discussed this with him. People keep saying either if you are not happy it’s right but also he was a good man and I never just talked to him about thing. We just bickered over small thing that would escalate into bigger fights.

I know he would take me back but I let him sleep outside. Could it ever be normal between us? My family keep telling me to be alone and I don’t want to go against them.

But he is the father to my DD and I miss him so.

What should I do?

There is a reason why your solicitor hasn't told you to go straight for an Occupation Order - the actual legal process needed to keep him out of the house. That reason is probably because they know you will have little chance of success, so they're hoping an official-looking letter will scare him into complying instead.

This is a personal issue I have because I so sat down with my solicitor who listened to my whole story and everything that had gone on and they told me these things as facts that I had to do for the safety of myself and DD. You all keep saying that he had a right but what if this made him angry and he tried to hurt us as a last decision? If I let him back home and he tried to hurt us or him or the home it would not be easy to escape. no he has never hurt me like that but he does have a temper and does slam things about. How long until it was me?

for fucks sake.

Whoever this person is, they're getting off on all this - they even said they'd be back with more when there's a development and they literally asked everyone to repeat what had already been said for 17 pages. We should stop giving them what they want.

I am disgusted by your actions, by your lack of care and your utter selfishness. I'm not saying that to attack you, but because that is how you have made me feel. I want you to wake up and care. At very least check that he's alive rather than kee on kicking him.

You've put a vulnerable person on the street and you are only concerned that things go your way. One that you claim to love. One that legally half owns the home you live in and is a parent to your child. It will have a devastating impact on her if he comes to harm, yet that seems to be your ideal outcome. It's revolting.

My heart is broken and my husband is gone I am not getting off on anything!

im hurting and know this is a shit situation and am trying to heal or at least know why i fucked up badly!

i am very aware i have the wrong voices around me giving me advice and that is why I haven’t gone off in a mood or left the post.

You are scum.

awww poor diddums you feel attacked?

how do you think your husband feels? no roof over his head? no ability to do his jobs? no access to his meds?

you expect strangers on the Internet to be nice to you while you don't give a fuck about whether your child's dad lives or dies?

you are putting him in real danger because of some imagined and totally false threat you feel? and actually you are lying about that. you never felt he was a danger to you. you just want him out, you are dumb enough to think if he is not there you will get the house and that is the real reason you kicked him out.

and you may well get what you wish for because this man is so broken. but people like you are never happy because it's impossible to be happy when your inside is filled with poison

If that’s really the truth, do one decent thing today and contact your husband. Check he’s alive and let him come home.

your husband is not gone. YOU threw him out. stop trying to gaslight mumsnet women. we are not idiots

I’m no longer able to! My solicitor has said as such and if I break that it may put problems in place later down the line.

i have asked people he knows for information on where he is and if he’s ok.

Behave. You also have a temper. There have been cases of bitter women killing their children to get back at the father of their children, so maybe we should be worried that you will hurt your daughter as a "fuck you!" to your ex hmm? I mean, you're showing what lengths you will go to to fuck him over, so maybe your daughter isn't safe with you.

and when a few years down the line you are alone, even your DD hates you, your family is trying to control you or are sick of you and you are financially in a shit position (because by the looks of it, if he dies or loses his job/has a complete breakdown and the mortgage doesn't get paid, the bank will repossess so you have nothing, not to mention you will get 0 in child maintainance because he is dead or homeless) .... remember YOU did this. no one else. not even your family. you are an adult, it's your life.

and the sad thing is your DD will be the one suffering because of you

I mean what is to stop OP throwing her daughter out on the street when her daughter argues back with her? especially once she is a teenager? we all know how difficult they can be...

no it fucking won't

Solicitors only say that because they charge you every time they communicate on your behalf

you can do what you want. you employ the Solicitors not the other way round.

stop with the blaming of other people

This divorce is going to bankrupt your parents.

I would never harm my little girl. That is not fair.

i haven’t even thought of child maintenance or how I will even pay the bills which will of course increase without him.

i just wanted to be happy and was miserable.

With her family cheering her on and telling her "She's a brat. She must take after her father. Don't you dare let her back in."

Please people be as mean as you like to me but not to my daughter. She is innocent in this mess we have created.

That’s rubbish, you are perfectly able to ring him and ask him how he is. What kind of problems do you think it will cause down the line? No court of law is going to look unfavourably at you because you rang your husband to check how he was as he’d been living on the street. The only situation where this could be detrimental to you would be if you’d taken out a restraining order against him, which you haven’t and even if you had applied for one a court would turn it down because he hasn’t actually done anything wrong.

Truthfully what makes you think you can’t contact him now? What do you think would be the consequences of you contacting him?

@CarterOL in the mess that YOU have created. She will likely want nothing to do with you anyway when she's old enough to understand.

Your parents will pay them surely?

"I don’t want to seem heartless"

I'd love to see what you could accomplish if you put your mind to it so.

There is some comfort to be taken from the fact that you seem just thick enough to absolutely fuck yourself over in this situation by insisting what you believe to be the law is correct and wilfully misinterpreting what you're solicitors role in this whole process is.

I feel a bit sorry for the solicitor who's definitely going to end up with you insisting they told you that you were entitled to do X,Y and Z and that you guaranteed them 100% of everything when they almost certainly just laid out the arguments for and against your position.

Just so you're aware, him having a key or not is irrelevant, him leaving of his own volition is irrelevant, he could legally force entry to his property tonight if you tried to deny him access.

If this goes to court, is perjury something in the divorce courts too? Given the OP is making up shit to the lawyer about him being a risk.

maybe you should think about that? because it's her life you are affecting?

no one here is being mean to your daughter... you are the one harming her childhood and jeopardising her future

and no one is being mean to you. we are telling you that you are in the wrong. that is not mean.