Split with DH recently. Help!

[CarterOL]

Hi I was hoping for some sound advice?

I split with DH of 8 years 11 days ango and I’m not sure if I made the right decision. It is driving me crazy and I can’t stop crying when I’m alone.

We have been having difficulty for a year. He was diagnosed with a health condition due to an accident at work which really made him low, put on weight and the like. His mother had died a 3 years ago which he ever got over. He would get depressed easy and had a terrible outlook on life. Sometimes he would be happy, other times sad.

I myself have recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and have been finding my love of life has vanished. I’ve lost all sex drive, and stopped being overly sexual with him. It’s very hard when I’m in constant pain. He tried his best to be understanding but I knew I was letting him down.

So naturally for the last year or so we bickered. We had big fights, small fights. Never violence, he never once hurt me nor I him.

11 days ago we had another fight. He said something stupid, I got sad. He snapped, I snapped. He left the house to calm down and then when he came back tried to apologise. Now my sister had come to see me randomly and was there. She told me to get rid of him because he was making me unhappy.

DH came home. I told him it was over. He got his things and I let him leave. He messaged me a lot at first that he loved me, he was sorry, he wanted to try talking and coming back but I didn’t let him. I ignored his cries and let him sleep on the street in the rain. It got to a point he wanted to kill himself but made no actual attempt.

He has been living rough for nearly the entire time, but I haven’t let him back into the home despite. We have a mortgage together and he could come asking but as yet he has not. He is trying to protect DD but has stopped paying some bills.

I’m scared I made the wrong decision. Because I was unhappy with how he made me feel but I never sat down and discussed this with him. People keep saying either if you are not happy it’s right but also he was a good man and I never just talked to him about thing. We just bickered over small thing that would escalate into bigger fights.

I know he would take me back but I let him sleep outside. Could it ever be normal between us? My family keep telling me to be alone and I don’t want to go against them.

But he is the father to my DD and I miss him so.

What should I do?

Your solicitor does not have the powers to make this sort of decision. She just doesn’t. She’s also not qualified to assess his mental state. So you’ve either misinterpreted what she’s saying, or she’s a charlatan.
Listen, it obviously suits you to believe that your solicitor ‘won’t let him’ come back to the house, but that’s not the actual situation.
Being depressed or suicidal does not mean that he has no legal right to enter his own home.

Do you really think he’d want to get back with you after this? He’s not even replying to your messages.

I will post the section of the letter sent:

“Our client does not agree for you to have a key to the property in part due to her concerns about your behaviour and mental state. If you were to return to the property it is her belief and our own that you may cause harm to either yourself, to our client or to DD. It would cause harm to our client and DD if they witnessed this behaviour. Our client wishes for you to seek the appropriate support for your mental health and well being and hopes you will do so for your own safety and those around you.”

I swear I am NOT lying. This is also not a cheap solicitor that my parents have paid for, and they are going to the full extent of what they believe they can do.

i don’t fully agree with this but at this stage my hands are tied.

He can enter the home, but must give several days notice before so, and only with other people present. That’s what has been put in place now.

You really want to completely destroy him. How dare he struggle and have emotions and be sick. How dare he not pay the bills after you made him homeless. You really are a piece of work. I hope he escapes you and court decides he should be the residential parent so your DD has someone in her life that's not a conniving abuser. If you're telling the truth about your family and friends they're either all as mentally fucked up as you are or they've been thoroughly manipulated. I don't know a single person who would do anything but absolutely condemn what you've done.

Put in place by who? Your solicitor can write a letter asking this of him, but it’s a request, not an order.

"Our client wishes"..."our client does not agree"...nothing in that wording you posted says he can't do it.

Also, where is this letter being posted to if you don't know where is and he is probably still on the streets. Was it sent to his brother as a c/o? Or did you just Google that wording?

I hope he gets an Occupation Order!

Oh FFS your hands are not tied. You’re acting like the poor innocent victim of a situation not of your making. You need to take responsibility for your actions, past and future.
You are letting your parents call the shots. This is on you.

Do you actually LIKE yourself? You're a compulsive liar, manipulative, not very bright, self centred and don't have a grasp on reality.

The cunning of a rat springs to mind.

Your solicitor can send that letter if you want. But none of it is legally binding. Your DH could just say, "Well, I don't agree to that." And that would be the end of it.

And for the love of all things holy, your hands are not tied. You are the one who is instructing the solicitor. You can tell them not to send that letter. And where would it be sent anyway, one wonders? You don't even know where your DH is. And his legal address is the house you both live in.

They're acting for you!

This is just legalese for "Carter doesn't want you here because she thinks etc etc..."

If he had a solicitor they'd act for him and challenge this. It's not a legal order upon him. It's a solicitor's letter designed to get the outcome you want. If he did the same he'd have letters designed to get the outcome he wants.

He probably isn't coming home because he doesn't want to give you any further ammo...

there is also this:

“Additionally, if you do insist on returning to the property, our client will have to apply for an Occupation Order which is an Order that will exclude you from staying at the property while our client will remain.”

FFS. The solicitor is stating YOUR wishes. They are saying that YOU don't want him to come back and that YOU think he will hurt you or his daughter. This is not their words or advice. This is not even advice. It is just words on headed paper that you have paid for. It has zero legal power.

This was emailed to him, as of course he has no way of accessing mail which would only go to my home anyway.

The solicitor acts for you. She says what you (or more likely your parents in this case) wants her to say.

Solicitors will write whatever their client wants, that doesn't make it legal or legally binding. Only a psychologist or psychiatrist could assess your husbands mental competence. A solicitor that gives you blanket reassurance is a bad one because family law does not have absolutes. You're interpretation of his mental competence means nothing in a court of law. Denying a parent contact or access to their house won't convince a judge you're right, but your disregard for the law and for your child's relationship with her father may well come across badly enough for you to get a mich worse judgement. You believing this letter means anything at all shows you have no idea about the law.

this just proves the point every one has been making.
you have to apply for an occupation order for him to legally not be allowed in.
you haven't even applied for it and if you apply you probably won't get it because there is no grounds for it

until an occupation order is in place he has full rights to come back

your solicitor is just doing what you want. your hands are not tied. stop playing victim

I really wish I knew you in person so I could call the police and social services and report you

@therealcookiemonster absolutely

See. They know their letter means nothing. The only way you can legally exclude him from his home is with an Occupation Order. They only grant those in serious circumstances.

I hope your DH has received the email and is instructing his own solicitor. The sooner he gets his share of your joint assets the better.

Exactly, you'd have to go through the courts. Like everyone has been telling you. And most likely, based on what you've said, your husband will be entitled to his fair share. You're deluded.

Because why should OP have to move out of her own home? After all, he shouted at her. She is the poor defenceless victim in all this. That's her self-centred thinking anyway.

I’ve gone with what the solicitors say, and my family. They have my best wishes at heart of course they do. Yeah I have an opinion and yeah it’s a bit all over the place, I’m having a hard time too with how this all is right now and can’t concentrate at all.

but I absolutely cannot let him back home after this. It’s gone too far. My solicitor hasn’t said if she had a reply back yet. But as things are this is for the best. I do worry about him but he’s been mentally unbalanced all this time and told people he wanted to die. That’s enough reason for me to not allow him near my DD again for the foreseeable future at least