Split with DH recently. Help!

[CarterOL]

Hi I was hoping for some sound advice?

I split with DH of 8 years 11 days ango and I’m not sure if I made the right decision. It is driving me crazy and I can’t stop crying when I’m alone.

We have been having difficulty for a year. He was diagnosed with a health condition due to an accident at work which really made him low, put on weight and the like. His mother had died a 3 years ago which he ever got over. He would get depressed easy and had a terrible outlook on life. Sometimes he would be happy, other times sad.

I myself have recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and have been finding my love of life has vanished. I’ve lost all sex drive, and stopped being overly sexual with him. It’s very hard when I’m in constant pain. He tried his best to be understanding but I knew I was letting him down.

So naturally for the last year or so we bickered. We had big fights, small fights. Never violence, he never once hurt me nor I him.

11 days ago we had another fight. He said something stupid, I got sad. He snapped, I snapped. He left the house to calm down and then when he came back tried to apologise. Now my sister had come to see me randomly and was there. She told me to get rid of him because he was making me unhappy.

DH came home. I told him it was over. He got his things and I let him leave. He messaged me a lot at first that he loved me, he was sorry, he wanted to try talking and coming back but I didn’t let him. I ignored his cries and let him sleep on the street in the rain. It got to a point he wanted to kill himself but made no actual attempt.

He has been living rough for nearly the entire time, but I haven’t let him back into the home despite. We have a mortgage together and he could come asking but as yet he has not. He is trying to protect DD but has stopped paying some bills.

I’m scared I made the wrong decision. Because I was unhappy with how he made me feel but I never sat down and discussed this with him. People keep saying either if you are not happy it’s right but also he was a good man and I never just talked to him about thing. We just bickered over small thing that would escalate into bigger fights.

I know he would take me back but I let him sleep outside. Could it ever be normal between us? My family keep telling me to be alone and I don’t want to go against them.

But he is the father to my DD and I miss him so.

What should I do?

Your solicitor has no business assessing the mental state of a man he's never met and making a decision (an illegal one, in this case) about where your husband can live. Nor can your solicitor forbid you from allowing your DH to return home. That is complete nonsense. If nothing else, please find yourself a more ethical solicitor.

Have you phoned your DH yet? Or the police?

Yeeeeeah.... A solicitor has no power to "not allow" it. I've seen advice with regards to picking a solicitor that says never go with the one who tells you they can get you whatever you want, they're only in it for the money - go with the one who is honest with you about what they can't do for you, they're the ones you can trust. Sounds like your solicitor is the first type.

But you don't know what his mental state is because you haven't seen or spoken to him. So that's nonsense right there.

Nor does your solicitor have the authority to ban your DH from your house! Who do you think they are? The police? The govt? Your legal rep can only advise you what to do.

The fact that he's now homeless will absolutely have a bearing on what the courts will eventually decide regarding the division of the house proceeds. As others have said, your DH can turn up with a locksmith right now and there's nothing you can do about it unless you go to court.

If this your story is true, it's really quite alarming how wilfully you are misinterpreting the law.

Why do you keep saying you are confused? You've hired a solicitor to keep him out of the house. Sounds pretty certain that your marriage is done.

And if she’s not, I imagine her DH will be, after the way she’s treated him. He’d never be able to trust her again.

Yep, if I were him I'd be filing my divorce papers right now, seeking 50:50 custody (at least), half the house and half the rest of the marital assets.

OP, you have spoken repeatedly of various people not allowing you to do things. You have agency. You can decide to do things for yourself without needing permission.

Im confused because I don’t know if I still love him. I know I was unhappy. I know he made me unhappy.

so many of you telling me no solicitor would say this but I promise you they have told me due to his mental health from when we split and how has been since when talking to others about ending his life and being depressed, it’s advised he does not come back otherwise I would have to take my daughter elsewhere.

i am not lying. It may not sound right to you but I promise you I am not!

You're very easily led: your family say this, your solicitor - who obviously practices in a tin hut in a car park - says that...

Gosh you are one sneaky, conniving woman. You and your equally nasty solicitor are weaponising this man's depression and using it against him. There is zero reason to think he would harm you or his child. Zero.

How does your solicitor know his mental state? Your solicitor can only advise you, they don't "let" you do anything. And now he's a danger to your child? How so? In what way?

@HollyKnight it's in her spiteful nature.

@CarterOL classic narcissist

its always someone else's fault

your husbands fault for leaving when you told him to

your family's fault for not "allowing" him back

your solicitors fault for advising you that he is not allowed to come back

and now finally... your solicitor is not allowing him to come back

tell me OP do you also ask everyone else's permission everytime you blow your nose?

what the fuck is this "they are not allowing me" business. you are just shifting responsibility. the ONLY person with responsibility here is YOU.

when the courts finally get involved no amount of "they didn't allow me" will cut the mustard.

This thread is so infuriating. Do you understand that solicitors cannot assess someone's mental state? That they cannot forbid you from doing anything? That your DH has every right to return to the house at any point?

I have a feeling you have misunderstood something the solicitor said. But if he has really given you such terrible and frankly illegal advice, please find another legal adviser.

But you are lying. You said your solicitor had banned him from the house, now you say "it’s advised he does not come back otherwise I would have to take my daughter elsewhere". So it was advised. There was no ban. And how can either of you or your solicitor claim to know his mental state if you've had no contact with him?

And why can't you take your daughter elsewhere, instead of letting her poor grieving dad with a chronic illness and depression sleep rough. Surely he can stay in the house and seek treatment why you stay with your family? They're so keen to get you away from him that they'd be jumping for joy, no?

You said yourself in your OP that he's not abusive and the row was about relatively minor domestic issues. I honestly couldn't look my child in the eye knowing I'd left her daddy to sleep rough while he was struggling mentally. Have you thought about what you'll say to her when she's older and wanting to know the truth if something happens to him?

If this is true, I really do think you'll look back at this and realise you have dealt with this all wrong.

Did your solicitor, in the course of conversation, say something like "it might be legal to block someone from returning if they're in a state that makes them dangerous" and you're interpreting that as "I do not allow you to let your husband return home"?

My solicitor keeps telling me that due to his diminished mental state he has shown at the time and how he has been emotional and sometimes even saying things like he wants to die to people, this is grounds enough for him not coming back to the home, as he could do this or say this in front of our DD.

back to the old circular reasoning

the reason he feels like this is because YOU kicked him out

now if he kills himself and you have to explain that to your daughter. what effect do you think that will have on her?

and she will definitely find out it was your fault and hate you with every fibre of her being.

This is becoming a joke now. No legal representative would say such things. I'd bet my house you've made all the legal advice up and there is no solicitor.

With every update you sound worse.
If something has happened to him by his own agency or someone else’s always know this is down to YOU.
YOU did this.

MumsnetHQ you must have enough valid concerns on this to be reporting it to the police??? This man is in danger. You have the OP details. Something needs to be done.

But where's the solicitor's proof of his mental state? You don't even know where your husband is, so how can they say this? Where's the actual medical assessment proof that he's not fit enough to be around your daughter?

You're not showing much empathy for your husband, do you struggle to realise people exist aside from yourself?

This thread is going nowhere really, you're in your own little world. I do wish I knew your husband and could help him access the relevant people and stop him being your punchbag.

People are not removed from their homes and children for expressing suicidal thoughts.

I don't know what you're getting out of this but I'm starting to agree it should be deleted. It's serving no purpose and I'm starting to think it's encouraging whatever you're getting from it, which can't be anything good.

Seriously, OP, do you have difficulty with comprehension? How on earth can your solicitor assess your DH's mental state? Answer: he can't. He's not a medical professional. And even if he were, he's never even seen your DH.

Suicidal people (if that is what your DH is) are not barred from their own homes. Do you think your DH may need urgent mental health care? If so, isn't that where your attention should be focused?

This just sounds like you're laying the groundwork to deny him access to his daughter in the future.