Split with DH recently. Help!

[CarterOL]

Hi I was hoping for some sound advice?

I split with DH of 8 years 11 days ango and I’m not sure if I made the right decision. It is driving me crazy and I can’t stop crying when I’m alone.

We have been having difficulty for a year. He was diagnosed with a health condition due to an accident at work which really made him low, put on weight and the like. His mother had died a 3 years ago which he ever got over. He would get depressed easy and had a terrible outlook on life. Sometimes he would be happy, other times sad.

I myself have recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and have been finding my love of life has vanished. I’ve lost all sex drive, and stopped being overly sexual with him. It’s very hard when I’m in constant pain. He tried his best to be understanding but I knew I was letting him down.

So naturally for the last year or so we bickered. We had big fights, small fights. Never violence, he never once hurt me nor I him.

11 days ago we had another fight. He said something stupid, I got sad. He snapped, I snapped. He left the house to calm down and then when he came back tried to apologise. Now my sister had come to see me randomly and was there. She told me to get rid of him because he was making me unhappy.

DH came home. I told him it was over. He got his things and I let him leave. He messaged me a lot at first that he loved me, he was sorry, he wanted to try talking and coming back but I didn’t let him. I ignored his cries and let him sleep on the street in the rain. It got to a point he wanted to kill himself but made no actual attempt.

He has been living rough for nearly the entire time, but I haven’t let him back into the home despite. We have a mortgage together and he could come asking but as yet he has not. He is trying to protect DD but has stopped paying some bills.

I’m scared I made the wrong decision. Because I was unhappy with how he made me feel but I never sat down and discussed this with him. People keep saying either if you are not happy it’s right but also he was a good man and I never just talked to him about thing. We just bickered over small thing that would escalate into bigger fights.

I know he would take me back but I let him sleep outside. Could it ever be normal between us? My family keep telling me to be alone and I don’t want to go against them.

But he is the father to my DD and I miss him so.

What should I do?

Someone IS getting hurt and that's your husband

The only people who are getting hurt are your husband and your daughter. You need to sort this out today.

You need to ensure your unwell DH has his meds!

Rather than messaging him, ring him and speak to him. You have to let him come home.

Actually, more than one person is getting hurt, your daughter and your husband.

If this is remotely true then you are doing immense harm to the two people you should care about the most.

Your parents and sister sound like controlling arseholes.

Imagine if he'd thrown you out because you couldn't get a handle on your endometriosis and let you sleep rough.

If you can't get him on the phone, get in touch with his work to find out when he last clocked in. If he hasn't put a missing persons report outwith the police.

Actually try and care that the father of your child may be gone. And then protect her from your controlling family.

I am astounded that you made your husband homeless because your sister said so.

@lonelysad yep sorry, I forgot to mention daughter as well

This post has blown me away!!!!!! I feel sorry for your hopefully STBXH. All I am getting from this post is 'ME, ME, ME'. How about thinking of someone else ie your husband for a change.

You don’t think someone is already getting hurt? And if you mean your family will get hurt… why is this? Think about why they would be ‘hurt’ by you doing the right thing by your husband (and I don’t mean getting back together with him, the chances of that are very slim now, how on earth would he trust you again?). And if you think they’re be ‘hurt’ by making sure the assets and care of your child are split fairly and in everyone’s best interests, ask yourself if that’s a reasonable way for them to react/behave.

Your husband's physical safety is in danger right now so that needs to be prioritised over a potential falling out with your toxic family. His situation is currently critical. You need to find out where he is. Don't just text as it's quite possible his phone is dead or has been stolen. Contact the police and report him as missing. Once he has been found, allow him to come home and if it's not possible to both live under the same roof then make arrangements to stay with your family. Ensure your DD is able to spend time with both of her parents. Then you can speak to a lawyer about divorcing and splitting assets. I also think it's important to speak to a therapist as your behaviour is not normal and is quite disturbing to be honest.

I'm lost. The house is entirely in your name? You're not married although you call him your husband? How does he not have a right to live there? How are you keeping him out? Did you change the locks? He works from home but has no home?

I don't think you're a troll, but something isn't adding up here. This story isn't accurate.

We are married and have a joint mortgage, he is named on there yes. But I’ve been advised because he left on his own accord I am not to hand him his keys and to make him go through legal proceedings if he wants that. Whether that’s right or wrong that’s what my solicitor advised me.

It's really worrying that you can't see why people are so horrified by your actions OP, quite honestly I wouldn't treat a dog the way you've treated your DH. You admit yourself he isn't and hasn't been abusive so you've effectively taken his home, his livelihood, his child and his security for no other reason than that you don't like his behaviour, much of which seems to have been caused by his diagnosed and medicated clinical depression.

I genuinely can't fathom what on earth you're thinking to do this to another human being, let alone one you're supposed to care about. Not much shocks me these days but your complete lack of empathy or concern for a fellow human has made me feel a bit sick tbh.

@CarterOL your solicitor is is total cowboy giving completely wrong information and tbh I think that most adults are absolutely aware that if two people are on the mortgage they are both entitled to half each? You obviously just act stupid as if you don't already know this. Stop paying your solicitor, your wasting your money

Have you tried calling him now and reported him missing to the Police?

You're either lying or your solicitor is lying. Under that logic, every wife and husband would be entitled to lock their partners out everytime they go to work.

I hope for your husbands' sake these are all lies. If not, it's very worrying that you've admitted he doesn't have access to his medication.

You need to ring 111 now and report him missing.

Your husband, with a share of the marital home and no history of violence or threats of violence, walked out without his keys, and a solicitor has advised you not to give him access?

"If you're married or in a civil partnership you both have ‘home rights’. This means you can stay in your home, even if you don’t own it or you’re not named on the tenancy. You’ll only have to move out permanently if your marriage or civil partnership ends, or if a court orders you to - for example, as part of your divorce."

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/if-you-were-living-together/what-happens-to-your-home-when-you-separate/

No, something is up here. At any rate, if you're serious about trying to fix things, the chances of that being successful reduce with every day you continue to apparently force him to be homeless.

That is wrong, and illegal.

You have just found the same info I keep seeing and you are repeating what I thought was the law too. But my solicitor has said no, and that the only way to get them back is by him having his own solicitor who will arrange that, and if he can’t pay that’s on him.

im just relaying their advice. Right or wrong.

https://www.llradultsafeguarding.co.uk/abuse/#:~:text=the%20relevant%20authority.-,6.5%20Neglect%20and%20acts%20of%20omission,medication%2C%20adequate%20nutrition%20and%20heating.

6.5 Neglect and acts of omissionThese include ignoring medical or physical care needs, failure to provide access to appropriate health, social care or educational services, and the withholding of the necessities of life such as medication, adequate nutrition and heating. Neglect also includes a failure to intervene in situations that are dangerous to the person concerned or to others, particularly when the person lacks the mental capacity to assess risk for themselves.

You are an abuser OP.

Do you think that’s reasonable? That he should have to engage a solicitor to get access to his own home? His medication? His work place?

Bullshit. You're either a liar or misinformed.

Leaving the family home does not affect your rights, either with regard to a financial settlement or access to the property.

You've played the victim and Mother Teresa all the way through. The only victims are your ex and your kid. The only abuser is you.

@CarterOL If you are telling the truth, what exactly do you want from this thread? You've got 12 pages of comments unanimous in agreement that forcing your DH to sleep on the streets is beyond cruel, that you should be telling your family to butt out of your marriage, and that legally he will be entitled to 50% of the house proceeds and shared custody regardless of what you might want. Are you holding out for just one person to agree with you, so you can feel vindicated?

Because there's no actual help anyone can offer you. You've been told that your actions are cruel and are likely to backfire on you during court proceedings, but you just don't seem to get it.

he can actually just call the police if you don't let him back in
and then that goes on your record as does you abusive behaviour

unfortunately the poor man has probably lost the will to live

Assuming your solicitor is qualified and practising legally, does that not suggest that your understanding of their advice might be wrong?