Overworked partner not pulling his weight and I am drowning. How do we do it all?!

[Restarter]

Last year, our mortgage increased astronomically. I was working 3 days a week, him 5 in the same field of work.

We had a discussion about how to increase our income- we looked at downsizing but with all the fees involved it wasn't worthwhile. So I said I would increase my work to 4 days, he took on an extra responsibility at work to increase our earnings.

I knew that he would need to work longer hours- something I totally accepted. I'd be left to do our childrens bedtimes alone 3-4 times a week. However, what I didn't expect was that he would advocate all his responsibilities to family life completely.

I am now drowning and having heart palpitations through stress because I'm working 4 days in a demanding job, doing all the family related admin: medical appointments, food shopping, school liaison, all communication around after school activities, sorting out all packed lunches, non-uniform days, sponsor forms. Everything. I am working more and he is doing less at home. I am worried I'm going to burn out. He is clearly depressed in his additional role and it seems to be all.he can focus on. Both children are under paediatrics for different things, both children have suspected ADHD and need to do after school activities to burn their energy. Both swim, do gymnastics and play football. I am dealing with it all. He takes them a couple of times a week to their activities but doesn't have to think about any of it or liaise with anyone about any of it. Both children have birthdays coming up and parties that I'm organising and he is detached from all of it. He hasn't a clue what's going on and ignores any messages I send him around any of it then apologises saying he's "busy at work."

Practically, he does things at home but all the cleaning is on me on my day off. I also use the time to go to the gym myself which is a tonic.

I know how important it is for women to be financially independent and I am in a constant struggle with myself where I tell myself this extra day at work is killing me because of my partner's lack of engagement with family life, but also I know that I need to be able to support myself and also contribute more to our finances.

I have of course raised this with him countless times, I'm no wallflower, but he commits to things verbally and does nothing practically at all.

I'm genuinely worried for my health at this point, I've been on the brink of a panic attack a couple of times with how mentally busy I feel. He seems lethargic and fed up because of his workload. He tells me he can't switch off. I have never felt so stressed.

I have paid for a cleaner fortnightly for the last 2 months (it's all we can afford) which has helped a lot, but in terms of home help, we can't afford much more. The childrens activities are expensive but they both need to be able to burn some energy after sitting at school all day.

I feel like I don't want to work at all anymore, like I don't have time to work. Which is ridiculous as I know that he just needs to pull his weight more!

I don't want to hear from any martyrs who manage to magically juggle everything and not feel stressed or experience heart palpitations, I want to hear from people who genuinely hear what I'm saying and have some advice?

What do I prioritise my financial independence and our joint finances or my health?

I can't seem to force him to do anything at all! I have asked him to drop his additional responsibility which he is considering but will I have to work more and will be pick up the slack?!

Oh you poor thing. I'm sorry.

I don't own my own home so not in a good place to advise. It seems likemyou really do need a smaller, cheaper home doesn't it. Could you rent out a room in the house? Get the kids to share a bedroom for a year or two? That could really help.

Do the children really need expensive activities just to burn off energy? When I was a child we did no paid for activities. No money, nobody would have had time to take us.
Could you not all go for a run in the evenings? Are there no parks near you? No open spaces?

That does sound really stressful. Sometimes when we're busy with work, it's easy to spend more money as you need the time back - cleaner, takeaways bc no time to cook, etc. So it's no always a panacea. Is there a way to compress your hours so you get a free(er) day to yourself by staying longer other days?

I have a friend who does a 9 day fortnight - only a 10% drop in earnings and she has every other Friday off. If she has to work she gets a full day in lieu and she still has 90% of her holiday allowance which she splits between holidays and taking the odd other Friday off and it works really well for her. Appreciate it's not for everyone!

Does your DH know how much you're struggling? He needs to step up but also you may need to drop your standards around the house a bit. It can be the reality of two FT working parents with busy home lives.

Wishing you better!

What hours is he doing that he’s not able to contribute to family life more?

I agree with knock some of the activities on the head. Run around the park with a ball.
What is the point in increasing your earnings to spend it on activities and cleaners while still not managing to have it all?

I don't know how realistic this is, but you could completely ring fence your day off. And then clean on weekend so DH understands what you are doing? Or has the children while you do it? Or does it really need doing if you are having a fortnightly cleaner?

I've had my DH to sign up for all the emails from schools and sports club so the mental load isn't just on me. He does the sports clubs when shifts allow. He has responsibility for paying for school trips/ meals. It has made a difference.

It does sound like you are in the thick of it with the stresses of family life. Hope you find a way of reorganising to find some space for your Wellbeing.

You need a big chat with your H. Schedule in some time together. When I felt like this I handed over the laundry to DH but before that we had a chat about needing to feel like a team, our happiness together, family and kids from the perspective not of responsibility but how we wanted our lives to be. I realise it is annoying to have to have this conversation - and I realise that handing over a job to someone still implies you had responsibility for it in the first place (I have had shit for this on here before) - but that was the practical solution for us and things are much better now.

Part of the reason is also to help them build friendships outside of school. They're both girls. Both struggle with friendships and attend a very small school with only a handful of other girls in their class. It was advised by a person they both saw at a charity who support children with additional needs.

I honestly don't think he has the mental capacity to care enough about what I have to say. We've had several big chats. Everything I say is like water off a duck's back. This situation has highlighted that we clearly have relationship issues. Whatever is going on for him is all he can think about.

Can you contact the charity person again and ask for further advice as you can't afford the activities? There must be other families in the same boat.

This. Can the kids play out in the street on bikes or scooters instead?

Yes @Goddessonahighway I have done this a few times too. It's all a juggle. The house is large so it takes a lot of cleaning. Our cleaner can only do the downstairs of the house in the time I oay her for too so even on the weeks she cleans, I still have to clean too.

Just on the financial side as a pp said stop all the paid for activities and take them to the park with a football, or similar. Don't give up work but maybe rethink the extra day if it's too much and your health is suffering.
Explain why to your partner, if you get really rundown he will have to do a lot more! Do only essential cleaning during the week and tell your DH you both need to tackle the rest one day on the weekend. He really needs to get on board, it shouldn't all be on you.

And what would happen if you didn’t clean? Just do the basics? Can the girls start cleaning for pocket money? Could you look at downsizing.

If it was me, and it isn’t, so east to say, I’d lose some things.

I just wouldn’t pay for children’s activities. If they need exercise they go to the park. This would save you money.

I wouldn’t do birthday parties. I’d do a tea at home for a friend. You can’t afford more at the moment.

I never do sponsorships-that’s one less thing to worry about.

I hate making pack lunches so either they have the same thing every day or I spend some of the money I’ve saved from not doing activities on this.

I would probably do the cleaning myself on the day off.

So what are you asking then @Restarter ? I mean that in a nice way not a confrontational way. Are you asking for permission to be at work less? Are you asking for tips on how to do everything without your H? Are you asking if you should leave your H?

I think once you realise what advice you're asking people for that's the first step in improving things for yourself. Yes your health is more important than the house being clean, the kids doing activities, money (as long as you have enough to survive). But being financially dependent on a man who won't talk to you doesn't seem like it would be good for your health either.

I would sit your DH down again (maybe show him this thread) and literally ask him what he is goint to take off your hands eg some of the school admin. Literally ask him and don’t finish the conversation until he takes something on. He needs to take you seriously.

I agree with Pps about your kids’ activities tbh. There is really nothing wrong with sitting your kids down and explaining to them that you can no longer afford 3 different hobbies for them, and that they need to choose one each to give up. My mum was stressed about money and just moaned all the time instead of explaining things to me, and it did no one any good. Never too early to start teaching kids about money and that you should not live outside your means.

I would prioritise health over everything else. It is literally the foundation of everything and you will be no good to anyone if you reach burn out and have some kind of breakdown or serious health episode. I know that's easier said than done but I think it's important to make sure that you keep your focus on this.

So in this context, what can give? Could you work a day less and cut out the cleaner, after-school clubs? Could your husband remove the extra responsibilities from his workload if you cut out the above? Is there scope for either of you to get a better paid job where you could work less hours for the same money?

Also agree with PPs about not doing birthday parties.

Look again at downsizing.

I would look at taking in a lodger or maybe a Ukrainian person on the scheme they do - its £750 per month you can get I believe under that.

Kids could go to the local park after school. Doesn't need to be an expensive activity.

Also you could probably lower your standards on the cleaning and do every other week or whatever. If you get rid of clutter it will be much easier and quicker.

It may be time to also talk with your children.

I get it can be an uphill struggle with ADHD in the mix (youngest was so hyperactive tier 3 CAHMS confirmed paediatricians hunch and diagnosed him with ADHD by two) We never had much wiggle room financially when they were small and lack of sleep whilst DH worked all hours nearly killed me. I did however talk to our four kids about juggling family finances (age appropriate) so they understood why their dad worked silly hours and why I was so tired. They came up with ideas to try to help. Ie cherry picked one after school activity once a week that two youngest went to to save both time and some money. They also offered to do what housework they could to help out ie putting crockery in kitchen, picking their stuff off floors, not whining too much when told we could not afford something. Kids know when their parents are under financial pressure but may struggle to grasp that and worry quietly. I found being honest with mine helped us all to cope a bit better. At the time the cost of the mortal age was crippling so we prioritised keeping our home. It certainly helped us to feel like we were pulling together as a family. We went on a lot of walks, had a lot of picnics with an awful lot of join in for free activities instead of paid for. Mostly that was just be as DH was working unsociable hours to make ends meet. My youngest with ADHD took to vacuuming singing to music all over the house turned out to be a great way to use some of his hyper energy that helped us both. I kept enough from the food budget for one take out meal per month for when a everything had gone to hell in a handcart day came. If it was not needed I saved it to the next month. On good days I batch cooked and froze so I could grab a ready meal out on hospital appointment days.

It might be worth looking long and hard at your actual family spending per month rather than assuming you are in budget. That is a tough thing to do but it can also be helpful if you need to look at where it may be possible to cut back less essential spending.

So presumably both girls receive DLA which would enable them to do these activities from a financial POV.
Honestly, your family life sounds a bit too much. you’ve drawn up a really long list of everything that you do, but if you’re honest with yourself, you don’t do all of those things all of the time. In fact, some of them will be very infrequent (how often do you really sort out non uniform days and sponsor forms?)

You have 1 day a week when I’m assuming the DC are at school, so you could get lots of the day to day drudge done then - do online food shopping, organising appointments, liaising with school. Personally, I’d say your Dc are doing too many after school activities. It’s a fallacy that children with ADHD need to ‘burn off energy’. That would imply that ADHD is a physical condition rather than a neurological one. It’s increasing stress levels within the family without necessarily having a positive impact. Stick to 1 activity a week - and both DC doing the same activity.
In a busy family, routine and organisation are the keys to a calm environment. Sit down with your DH, draw up timetables / rotas / lists - however you like to organise. Make sure everyone knows who’s doing what and when - include your DC on the rota too!
Ultimately, he works longer hours outside the home than you do, so I would expect you to be doing more of the home stuff than him.

It seems that in your case you are stretched too thin as a household.

The reason why you both work too much is because of the mortgage.

So either you sell and massively downside or you keep the property but will "pay" elsewhere with much lower quality of life.