Overworked partner not pulling his weight and I am drowning. How do we do it all?!

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Last year, our mortgage increased astronomically. I was working 3 days a week, him 5 in the same field of work.

We had a discussion about how to increase our income- we looked at downsizing but with all the fees involved it wasn't worthwhile. So I said I would increase my work to 4 days, he took on an extra responsibility at work to increase our earnings.

I knew that he would need to work longer hours- something I totally accepted. I'd be left to do our childrens bedtimes alone 3-4 times a week. However, what I didn't expect was that he would advocate all his responsibilities to family life completely.

I am now drowning and having heart palpitations through stress because I'm working 4 days in a demanding job, doing all the family related admin: medical appointments, food shopping, school liaison, all communication around after school activities, sorting out all packed lunches, non-uniform days, sponsor forms. Everything. I am working more and he is doing less at home. I am worried I'm going to burn out. He is clearly depressed in his additional role and it seems to be all.he can focus on. Both children are under paediatrics for different things, both children have suspected ADHD and need to do after school activities to burn their energy. Both swim, do gymnastics and play football. I am dealing with it all. He takes them a couple of times a week to their activities but doesn't have to think about any of it or liaise with anyone about any of it. Both children have birthdays coming up and parties that I'm organising and he is detached from all of it. He hasn't a clue what's going on and ignores any messages I send him around any of it then apologises saying he's "busy at work."

Practically, he does things at home but all the cleaning is on me on my day off. I also use the time to go to the gym myself which is a tonic.

I know how important it is for women to be financially independent and I am in a constant struggle with myself where I tell myself this extra day at work is killing me because of my partner's lack of engagement with family life, but also I know that I need to be able to support myself and also contribute more to our finances.

I have of course raised this with him countless times, I'm no wallflower, but he commits to things verbally and does nothing practically at all.

I'm genuinely worried for my health at this point, I've been on the brink of a panic attack a couple of times with how mentally busy I feel. He seems lethargic and fed up because of his workload. He tells me he can't switch off. I have never felt so stressed.

I have paid for a cleaner fortnightly for the last 2 months (it's all we can afford) which has helped a lot, but in terms of home help, we can't afford much more. The childrens activities are expensive but they both need to be able to burn some energy after sitting at school all day.

I feel like I don't want to work at all anymore, like I don't have time to work. Which is ridiculous as I know that he just needs to pull his weight more!

I don't want to hear from any martyrs who manage to magically juggle everything and not feel stressed or experience heart palpitations, I want to hear from people who genuinely hear what I'm saying and have some advice?

What do I prioritise my financial independence and our joint finances or my health?

I can't seem to force him to do anything at all! I have asked him to drop his additional responsibility which he is considering but will I have to work more and will be pick up the slack?!

I think OP's DH sounds really burnt out. I suspect both adults here NEED to step back.

My dd is ND. She is perfectly capable of doing chores with guided instruments because routine is fundamental to how she manages. So not all ND children are the same.

The post regarding about marriage never being equal is 100% true. It isn't and can't be. But what it should be is equitable and have the ability to flex around both of your responsibilities. Which for you both includes a significant amount outside the home.

My job is completely different to my DH. His is shift work always outside the home and pays less and has less flexibility
My job pays more, has more flexibility, allows me to work from home. That doesn't however mean I have the ability to always take on more at home, because the type of job I have is high pressure, time sensitive to deadlines and just has to get shit done when it's needed.

This isn't working for either of you. But to make changes, means you both need to sit down and really challenge how you are living your lives. Reducing your mortgage is the clear thing that will give you both additional time flexibility, reduce your financial pressures and allow you to make different decisions.

You need to work through each option with risk and benefits. Until you get to what you think the both of you need to live with.

Then you need book in time every single week. On a Sunday evening. You get get out your phones and split everything based on the up coming week from your schedule/his and the kids. We have a planner we sit at the beginning of each month put in birthdays/extra circulars/time with our friends/school stuff/medical appointments/up coming bills.

That gives us the view of each coming week. We sit with a cup of tea and do it, so we are sharing the mental load and allocating. We also then try to plan small amounts of time for us in among all the chaos. We have set days for washing of everyone's clothes, we switch the shopping depending on who's schedule is better overall. We add things to our Google calendar as shared events and have them as widgets on the front of our phone so our home life doesn't get lost in work. We also use the organised mum app to spend short focused amounts of time on house work. Could it be cleaner 100%. But it's good enough with the time we have to keep things from collapsing.

That means some weeks he does more some weeks I do. But the reality is our lifes are like spinning plates, because of the number of kids we have, the jobs we have, the medical conditions they both have. So its always going to involve a massive amount to keep it all going.

Before we did this it was week after week of chaos and stress. Now it's still busy but it's more manageable and we feel like a team because we both need to find a solution to manage it all. I'm not a mind reader neither is he. I forget shit all the time, so if we didn't it would be me scrambling because I was last minute all the time.

Some times when you feeling like your drowning you can't see the wood for the trees. Everything feels like it won't get better so why try because there is no other choices.

It's a really tricky situation to be in.
We are super behind on housework, I can keep the house relatively tidy but deep cleaning is so out of reach. Our garden is literally a jungle.
If I nag & force then my husband helps out more (he's not doing nothing like yours, its just not equal enough to manage everything we need to do)
We are fighting fires basically, both extremely stressed from work. Just about managing to spend quality time with our daughter but no time left for each other.
It's not a fun place to be in, we both struggle with anxiety/depression so its really hard to find the balance.
You have to let something go or you'll definitely burn out.
I don't personally believe that a woman should HAVE to be financially independent, because if you worked less hours earning money, you'd still be massively contributing to the household in terms of your workload on life admin etc.
But I know that doesn't all protect women in worse case scenarios which perhaps you're subconsciously worried about if your relationship doesn't feel great right now?
Cutting costs in your household as much as possible will give you some breathing space.
But it's super tough, there is so much to balance and absolutely not enough time in the day to do everything we need and want to do.

So you have gone from working 3 days a week with a husband who did at least some household/ childcare to working 4 days a week with a husband who is working longer hours and is unable to contribute to much, if any, house / child ‘stuff’?

A few thoughts:

Instead of spending your day off cleaning then going to the gym, would it be better to spend this day dealing with all the house/ child admin and planning ahead for the next week, right down to getting uniform/ sports kit etc out for each day?

What do you do while the DC are at their activities? Is there scope to sit somewhere and relax for that hour or are you rushing back home, doing stuff, then rushing out again? My DD has one afterschool activity where it’s not worth going home so I go and sit in a nearby cafe with a book. It’s very relaxing to be forced to do nothing!

Are you doing the usual stuff recommended to make life easier - meal planning, online grocery shopping, shared household calendar, taking the easy option where possible?

The house is so big you can't clean it all? Either it's a mansion or your cleaning standards are incredibly high. Either way I agree with PPs, look again at downsizing. You said "with the fees its not worth it" - what fees? The moving costs, solicitors etc? But you do realise you can take out a mortgage that is slightly more than you need for the new house?

For example, we moved and took out an extra 10k on the mortgage - for car repairs and all moving costs (solicitors, EA, removal firm).

Worth getting proper advice on downsizing if you haven't already

To be clear, we took 10k out of our cash proceeds from the house sale - we could have used that 10k as part of our deposit.

So say your old house is 150k mortgage + 50k equity (cash) = sale at 200k.

You buy a new house for 150k. You could put down the full 50k as deposit + mortgage of 100k. Or, put down only 40k and get a mortgage of 110k. This would give you 10k cash from the sale.

Honestly I think you're being a little unfair here. You dh worlks 5 long days with extra responsibilities, he does some of their activities during the week and does some work at home. You work 4 days a week and do the life admin as well. Ie parties etc that you've mentioned
It's clear really that the issue is that ye are living beyond your means and you should absolutely downsize or cut back your expenses for a while to take the pressure off both of ye.

@crackofdoom ha ha, I would but it's the same group that lets me know when PE days are, what they need to take into school etc. off topic and I don't know if other schools have this but our teacher seems to rely on the parents what's app group to share class messages! She will tell the 'class rep' what she needs us to know.

I hate what's app and ms teams. Both have added another layer of constant contact to my life 🤣

I could have written this post word for word OP. Except that I am working 5 days a week, 50- 60 hours and pick up all the life admin. It’s utterly relentless. I was getting 4-5 hours broken sleep a night, and starting work at 4am to try to get on top of things (which never happend). Then just after christmas, I had a breakdown. Ended up in hospital. Things have changed since then, and now I have realised that everything does not have to be perfect. If the house isn’t tidy, so be it. If DD dowsn’t get to go to an out of school activity, so be it. Life is more than just being at the beck and call of everyone else (whether its employer, husband, child, family etc). So my advice is to drop some of the after school activities, or try to enlist the help of other parents who attend (maybe lift share?). Don’t worry about a bit of mess in the house - declutter as much as you can, then there is less to get ‘messy’. And be prepared to let some things slide.

Better get used to it then. What happens when they have their own home in the future? Live in squalor? Call their slave mother to clear up after them?

Does DH work more than normal FT hours? If so no wonder he can't contribute at home. When I work OT the house is a tip and it doesn't matter.

I know it's not about comparing at all, but about your going back to work part time: many people work FT and manage (even if it is a hard balancing act) housework & family life.

To be working only 4 days a week and struggling so incredibly much shows something is very wrong with either your capacity to handle normal stress / life, or your current setup where maybe you expect too much to get done on the house/kids front.

I am not just piling on but being genuine.

You're working 10 to 12 hour days though. Of course you're shattered and stretched.

I am TRULY not trying to be nasty but that's very different from OP working 4 normal days a week, about half your hours (and struggling so incredibly much to the point of heart palpitations). That's what I find confusing about the post. I know it's not a contest plus we're all different, but realistically, OP's post sounds like it's coming from someone in your situation.

Many people work FT and manage. And many, many don't. Please stop implying that working FT, running a household, raising two children and managing all the admin that that entails is a "normal" and easily achievable workload, especially if you're a lone parent, or if one side of a partnership is shouldering far more of the burden than the other. Yes, some people manage- fewer truly thrive under this kind of pressure. And many, many don't. It doesn't mean that they're weak or lazy, rather that they're struggling under a system that was not set up with people's- especially women's- health and wellbeing in mind. Don't glorify overwork.

Both swim, do gymnastics and play football.

^

Pick one of these

And

Stop cleaning so much

Not sure what your food situation is?? Simplify this as much as possible.

Packed lunches for kids can be done Sunday evening - just X 5 of everything.

Deal with school admin as soon as you get it.

Buy a load of kids birthday gifts in the sale, then you always have a stock when invited to parties.

something is very wrong with either your capacity to handle normal stress / life, or your current setup where maybe you expect too much to get done on the house/kids front

^

Hence the thread. Op needs to make changes, and/or hubby steps up.

It's not HER capacity: it's THEIR capacity

Ok firstly, OP works part time, not full time.

Apart from that... Strange response that shows your prejudice. Unlike you, I don't think it's "weak" or "lazy" at all to be unable to handle arbitrary modern societal structures. Those slurs came 100% from you and reflect your inner thoughts (hence your defensiveness on behalf of OP, probably).

All I was saying is that if OP's capacity to handle everyday life differs from most people's, that first of all needs to be acknowledged as a legitimate factor and worked around.

Addressing the rest of the terms you used, I also don't think it's "easy" by any means, but it is "normal" in the sense that it's pretty usual to cope while working PT with kids. Given how relentless modern day capitalism is, I don't at all think poorly of anyone who can't hold down a FT job (not saying this is OP at all, just raising a random example), but that is undoubtedly not "normal" in today's society.

The other possibility I raised was that she is expecting too much to get done. With zero intention to victim blame, it can only be positive for women to reduce the expectations for themselves sometimes. Literally, stop overworking was my point.

No, it wasn't a slight on OP at all – that's your prejudice. I was genuinely considering that OP is one of those people who can't manage stress at all. I know a few people who just find working any job too stressful. If you think poorly of those people, that's on you.

In terms of QUANTITY (as opposed to VARIETY) of work, I'd say OP is prob doing the same amount as her DH. As I said realistically, most people would be OK working PT with 1-3 days for life admin.

It's fine if OP isn't wired for stress/modern society. I said the above possibility 100% without prejuduce, unlike the above poster (and perhaps you) who considers it an insult!

If that's not the case, the other possibility is the setup – expecting too much house/schoolwork to be done in terms of QUANTITY.

The 3rd possibility which you allude to is DH reducing his hours (sorry, but anyone stepping up more just seems crazy if they're already working OT everyday) and them distributing the VARIETY of work (job work and house/family work) (as opposed to QUANTITY of work) more equally.

You need to pick a few items that your DH can look after, and that means completely look after and do all the thinking/planning etc. What about packed lunches, could he do that? You wouldn't have to think about checking who is having packed lunches/school dinners each day, or what to put in the packed lunch or check that there's enough stuff in the fridge? Or can he be responsible for one activity?

I work 3 days and do most of the life admin/mental load, and when I temporarily went up to 4 days I felt totally overwhelmed and realised I couldn't do it permanently so I know how you feel.

My DH is responsible for making one dinner during the week. He plans it, buys the food, cooks it. I will pick stuff up at the shop for him if I'm going anyway and he tells me what to get, but I am not responsible for any of the rest of it, and even just one small thing that's now off my to do list, feels like a major help.

Good grief!

If that's the PTA - block them!

Heart palpitations - that worries me. Have you seen a gp? If you are mid 40s it could be peri menopause which won’t help the feeling of overwhelm.

you both sound at capacity and really need to drop a few things and lower your standards - fewer activities etc for sure

You are clearly making yourself ill. Partner appears to be suffering some form of work related stress/depression. I hate to say this but it sounds like you have a lot of unnecessary expenditure and you are basically both making yourselves ill to maintain a lifestyle you can't afford. I would seriously cut back on all unnecessary expenditure (sorry for me that would include the cleaner and the gym). Cut back your hours to 3 days a week and invest in a robotic hoover if you haven't got one they are life changing. I hope you get this sorted for the sake of your own well being and your partner's. I say this as someone who took a 50 per cent pay cut and had to adapt my lifestyle according.

Our set up seems pretty much the same as yours. I work 4 days and oh works 5/6 with longer hours and more pressure.kids have activities every night and weekends apart from Fridays.
What I do that helps:
Exercise while the kids are doing activities where possible. Walk/run
I get up early 2 mornings to do a 30 minutes weights work out.
My cleaner comes every two weeks and does the bathrooms and floors. I just try and keep on top of what I can in between.
No ironing.
Batch cook for the week on a Sunday evening (2 hours)
Make packed lunches when I am making tea.
On my day off I strip the beds, limit myself to 1 hour cleaning and do life admin. I make sure I meet a friend for an hour before the school run for a coffee.
On a Saturday I take the kids to clubs and oh does 1 hour of cleaning and has a walk. Afternoons we spend all together. Sunday mornings we take it in turns to take the kids to clubs or have a morning to ourselves.
We are very busy but we make time for exercise and family time.
At the moment both kids have regular hospital appointments which I have to juggle with work so I'm feeling a bit more stressed. Generally though I feel like we manage well.
I can resonate with what another poster said about resentment. Do you feel that is building and making things seem worse?
My oh annoys me frequently by 'forgetting' things and it makes my life harder. When I focus on these things I feel more tired and like things are getting on top of me.

What a great post! How did you get to this level of organised with each other? Myself and my husband have started to go through diaries together, plan meals, roughly discuss weekends or any event coming
up but you’re so much more detailed and I can see how that would benefit us.

BeGutsyCat

Why so defensive? With that level of passive aggression and ability to twist people's words, have you ever considered politics as a career? 😆

I don't know about anyone else, but I'd say that saying "There must be something very wrong with you if you can't handle normal stress/life" is extraordinarily judgemental....or no? What exactly do you think is "very wrong" with the OP? Or any of the other people on this thread who feel themselves crumbling under a similar workload? 🤔

Sideways thinking, if your husband is finding the extra work responsibilities are bad for his mental health and you are struggling can you swap? Him four days and home responsibilities and you full time work?