Overworked partner not pulling his weight and I am drowning. How do we do it all?!

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Last year, our mortgage increased astronomically. I was working 3 days a week, him 5 in the same field of work.

We had a discussion about how to increase our income- we looked at downsizing but with all the fees involved it wasn't worthwhile. So I said I would increase my work to 4 days, he took on an extra responsibility at work to increase our earnings.

I knew that he would need to work longer hours- something I totally accepted. I'd be left to do our childrens bedtimes alone 3-4 times a week. However, what I didn't expect was that he would advocate all his responsibilities to family life completely.

I am now drowning and having heart palpitations through stress because I'm working 4 days in a demanding job, doing all the family related admin: medical appointments, food shopping, school liaison, all communication around after school activities, sorting out all packed lunches, non-uniform days, sponsor forms. Everything. I am working more and he is doing less at home. I am worried I'm going to burn out. He is clearly depressed in his additional role and it seems to be all.he can focus on. Both children are under paediatrics for different things, both children have suspected ADHD and need to do after school activities to burn their energy. Both swim, do gymnastics and play football. I am dealing with it all. He takes them a couple of times a week to their activities but doesn't have to think about any of it or liaise with anyone about any of it. Both children have birthdays coming up and parties that I'm organising and he is detached from all of it. He hasn't a clue what's going on and ignores any messages I send him around any of it then apologises saying he's "busy at work."

Practically, he does things at home but all the cleaning is on me on my day off. I also use the time to go to the gym myself which is a tonic.

I know how important it is for women to be financially independent and I am in a constant struggle with myself where I tell myself this extra day at work is killing me because of my partner's lack of engagement with family life, but also I know that I need to be able to support myself and also contribute more to our finances.

I have of course raised this with him countless times, I'm no wallflower, but he commits to things verbally and does nothing practically at all.

I'm genuinely worried for my health at this point, I've been on the brink of a panic attack a couple of times with how mentally busy I feel. He seems lethargic and fed up because of his workload. He tells me he can't switch off. I have never felt so stressed.

I have paid for a cleaner fortnightly for the last 2 months (it's all we can afford) which has helped a lot, but in terms of home help, we can't afford much more. The childrens activities are expensive but they both need to be able to burn some energy after sitting at school all day.

I feel like I don't want to work at all anymore, like I don't have time to work. Which is ridiculous as I know that he just needs to pull his weight more!

I don't want to hear from any martyrs who manage to magically juggle everything and not feel stressed or experience heart palpitations, I want to hear from people who genuinely hear what I'm saying and have some advice?

What do I prioritise my financial independence and our joint finances or my health?

I can't seem to force him to do anything at all! I have asked him to drop his additional responsibility which he is considering but will I have to work more and will be pick up the slack?!

What is your current mortgage payment and when is the rate up?

Have you seen there are lower rates available now? Is it worth paying the exit fee to move to a cheaper rate?

You are enduring a lot of mental stress (both of you)

It sounds like you have no extra money despite both working full time - have you looked at quitting and seeing if you can get universal credit - Also high earners can still get childcare help - can you put the children in after school care?

Now onto your husband

What can he do? Has he got capacity to do more pick ups and drop offs? If yes pencil them in

Can he do 3 bedtimes a week? If yes tell him Tues/Thirs/saturday

keep offloading

If he refuses tell him you will go full time - he can go to 4 days and fully reverse your roles!

It’s a shame you can’t afford your cleaner every week as getting them to clean and iron is a massive weight lifted. If you think about it - say it would cost £50 a week for a cleaner to clean and iron that is worth budgeting for even for 6 months just to take the load from you

It sounds like you have deep relationship issues that this crisis has exposed. You don't need practical tips to help you cope with a busy life, you need your husband to talk to you!

I think you and DH sound like you are both coping with how things are now.

You need to sit down and make a plan to help your respective mental health

If your husband is actually depressed he needs to see the Dr.
As others have said, and I know you've done this, sit him down with a list and divide up the jobs between you.
Or you go FT and he drops a day and does what you do.

It sounds really tough OP. In your situation, I would:

Not cut out the paid activitiesit won't save much money and they sound valuable to your children
--Give up the fight with DH for the moment, it sounds like the relationship needs addressing but not right now
Have a radical declutterliterally take all old toys, clothes, books CDs, furniture etc to the charity shop. Have nothing on the surfaces or on the floor, it would make it much easier to clean.
--Do whatever you can to have your cleaner every week instead of every 2 weeks. Does your DH have any hobbies / TV subscriptions you can cut? Do you need to pay TV license etc? Go through everything with fine tooth comb and find the extra £100 / month for the cleaner
--Absolutely ringfence your day off (unless inset / school holiday) and start going to the gym religiously on that day
--Make sure you get enough sleep and your diet is good.
Once you feel much better, try to look for ways to increase your incomepromotion / moving roles etc
--Only then I would consider your DH and having another conversation about his contribution.

We had a discussion about how to increase our income- we looked at downsizing but with all the fees involved it wasn't worthwhile.

Fees are one offs, lower mortgage payments are for a lot longer and is sounds like you both simply cannot cope with having to pay for alarge mortgage and raise a family (understandably). You both sound at breaking point to be honest.

If you can downsize and get some time and sanity back - surely that's the best benefit for you all?

I was going to suggest the same.

OP has explained that this is important for her DDs to make friends out of school. It is not the same as a family run in the park. It is also a mental break for her

It may be that you can cut some activities and but not all

But if OP doesn't want to change anything then the situation will just get worse

She wants to change her h’s behaviour

And honestly, he’s doing a 45-50h week, it’s not a walk in the park but it’s not ridiculously awful. He can chuck on a wash or two and do the some of the cooking and cleaning as well as his job.

I think modern life imposes these extracurricular activities or being perfect with admin. There are times in a family when administrative tasks such as dealing with schools, taking children to paid activities, and socializing such as birthdays, have to be postponed. It's not workable at the moment, with work taking too much time away from the family.
You may require a temporary break or a major overhaul, such as selling and downsizing.

I was wondering if it would work if you each take on the medical responsibilities of one child. One parent does all the diary and hospital appointments for that child?

People with responsible jobs are parents too. It happens that the lower paid parent often ends up with the life admin but it’s not fair anyone.

He does do some things

He's also struggling to do more just like OP

Between them they have too much going on

I think you need to get tough OP -I was depressed and holding down a full time job and running the family as DH worked abroad. DH has decided to check out on the grounds he's overstretched but by doing that he's prioritising himself over the fact that you are also over stretched and he's stretching you further. Its a very selfish attitude. So have another conversation and if he again checks out tell him that you will need to review whether or not you are able to remain in the relationship - suggest that having a proper break EOW sounds appealing to you. Point out that he will then be working full time and comin home to having to feed and clean up after himself.

Then start ignoring things as well. Suddenly find that you don't have the headspace to do his washing, don't replace things only he uses etc.

Think you need to downsize - he sounds depressed, you're a breaking point - you need to take the pressure off, and that's mostly coming from the size of your mortgage.

When thinking about how much it costs to downsize - also calculate how much less interest you will pay on a smaller mortgage - it may be a short term cost but save you thousands long term

we looked at downsizing but with all the fees involved it wasn't worthwhile.

But the fees are one-offs while the crippling mortgage may go on for years.

Plus you're struggling to manage your big house.

How old are the girls?

All new routines take a while to settle into and it could be that you are trying to keep previous standards when your free time is reduced by a day. Each week you and your DH have 5 non working days. Can you plan jointly how you use that time to sort the house, shopping and life admin.

Are you able to WFH or do you commute?

How old are you children?

What is your DH’s job? Why can’t he switch off from it?

Its clear you cannot continue like this.

I wonder if the kids activities are more trouble than they are worth for the time being. Yes you get a theoretical break when they are in the clubs/hobbies, but the sheer amount of admin, car logistics and overall cost might actually make it less worthwhile overall. If you have a garden, get them a massive trampoline to burn off some energy.

How old are you OP? Are you in peri-menopause? As this can massively affect your ability to cope with stress and can really give your resilience a bashing. If so, then consider speaking to the GP about HRT as this would at least give you some more pep.

What is the scope for either you or DH to change jobs / find a better salary?

What family / network do you have around you?

Can you take 10 mins a day to do a guided mindfulness meditation? It will give you a mental circuit breaker.

Can you work from home?

Some of the things you mention in your long list of apparently essential to do items are quite frankly ridiculous.

Sponsorship forms? Put them in the bin. Things like that are for SAHMs with time on their hands.

You need to cut out the non jobs

Your (ie the family not just you) life is way too much. He needs to do more, even if its just physical stuff rather than mental load but working 50hrs a week is not to be sniffed at either, especially if it brought in an increased wage.

If there is a light at the end the end of the tunnel in terms of a change in circumstance then by all means struggle on but lots of things need a reset if not, irrespective of the justification of them.