Overworked partner not pulling his weight and I am drowning. How do we do it all?!

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Last year, our mortgage increased astronomically. I was working 3 days a week, him 5 in the same field of work.

We had a discussion about how to increase our income- we looked at downsizing but with all the fees involved it wasn't worthwhile. So I said I would increase my work to 4 days, he took on an extra responsibility at work to increase our earnings.

I knew that he would need to work longer hours- something I totally accepted. I'd be left to do our childrens bedtimes alone 3-4 times a week. However, what I didn't expect was that he would advocate all his responsibilities to family life completely.

I am now drowning and having heart palpitations through stress because I'm working 4 days in a demanding job, doing all the family related admin: medical appointments, food shopping, school liaison, all communication around after school activities, sorting out all packed lunches, non-uniform days, sponsor forms. Everything. I am working more and he is doing less at home. I am worried I'm going to burn out. He is clearly depressed in his additional role and it seems to be all.he can focus on. Both children are under paediatrics for different things, both children have suspected ADHD and need to do after school activities to burn their energy. Both swim, do gymnastics and play football. I am dealing with it all. He takes them a couple of times a week to their activities but doesn't have to think about any of it or liaise with anyone about any of it. Both children have birthdays coming up and parties that I'm organising and he is detached from all of it. He hasn't a clue what's going on and ignores any messages I send him around any of it then apologises saying he's "busy at work."

Practically, he does things at home but all the cleaning is on me on my day off. I also use the time to go to the gym myself which is a tonic.

I know how important it is for women to be financially independent and I am in a constant struggle with myself where I tell myself this extra day at work is killing me because of my partner's lack of engagement with family life, but also I know that I need to be able to support myself and also contribute more to our finances.

I have of course raised this with him countless times, I'm no wallflower, but he commits to things verbally and does nothing practically at all.

I'm genuinely worried for my health at this point, I've been on the brink of a panic attack a couple of times with how mentally busy I feel. He seems lethargic and fed up because of his workload. He tells me he can't switch off. I have never felt so stressed.

I have paid for a cleaner fortnightly for the last 2 months (it's all we can afford) which has helped a lot, but in terms of home help, we can't afford much more. The childrens activities are expensive but they both need to be able to burn some energy after sitting at school all day.

I feel like I don't want to work at all anymore, like I don't have time to work. Which is ridiculous as I know that he just needs to pull his weight more!

I don't want to hear from any martyrs who manage to magically juggle everything and not feel stressed or experience heart palpitations, I want to hear from people who genuinely hear what I'm saying and have some advice?

What do I prioritise my financial independence and our joint finances or my health?

I can't seem to force him to do anything at all! I have asked him to drop his additional responsibility which he is considering but will I have to work more and will be pick up the slack?!

I do feel your pain, I genuinely do. Thankfully mine are teens now and I still get close to burn out.
I really do think you need to look at your finances. You can't have it all.

You need to reduce the clubs. I know what you are saying about burning energy but there's cheap ways of doing it. You can't forget yourself during financial decisions! The extra hours you are doing are making you ill!

The house. You describe it as large. Are you sure you can't downsize? What about cars - are they expensive? Can you downsize these instead?

We are in a culture where everyone wants the nice house, car, kids that don't go without, abroad holidays etc. we have to make decisions and work out what's important. I absolutely have fallen for this and we are downsizing next year.
This will release money for things that are important to us to prevent burnout!

You have said in your first post that DH is depressed and has checked out of family life.. if he wasn’t like this before the job change THAT is what you need to change imo.

I’m not belittling your feelings as they are very valid, but complaining to him about how all this is effecting you, is not going to help or make him change, because it doesn’t sound like he has the capacity for it at the moment, depression isn’t like being down in the dumps, it can be debilitating and he may need outside help.

You need to get to the root cause of the problem, address that and then work on who does what around the house. I’d ask him what HE wants to do about things rather than telling him, and listen instead of talking, and see if you can make in roads that way, you need to find a way back to being a team.

Your whole life will implode if you let this carry on as it is, it doesn’t sound sustainable to any of you.

I thought about this too...
What about investing in a good trampoline for them?

Part time is a con. But having said that I don’t think there’s anything particularly unusual in what you’re doing. My husband and I both have senior positions but as his is more senior I do everything you do while working full time. This is how I do everything:

1. School dinners. Packed lunches are a waste of time and money - I’d rather DC eat a hot meal at school and then adjust the food they eat when they return home.
2. Review your expenses (including takeaways). Is there anything you can get rid of immediately or reduce down to an occasional treat?
3. Go full time and work compressed hours or arrange some work from home around school drop offs / pick ups. If that isn’t possible in your current role / company find another one.
4. Review afterschool clubs dispassionately. Are the kids getting value in them? Are you paying as many as possible via the child tax free account? If not start as that’s 20% off straight away. You can often negotiate deeper discounts if you send all the kids to the same class.
5. For managing your finances / school / day to day life put everything into a family iphone / google calender, add your husband. He’s in a senior role and so there will be some flexibility in that - eg he should be able to do the food shop after work.
6. Make bath times / school runs etc easier for you by waking the kids up early - 6am if needed. The kids should be responsible for tidying after themselves and some limited cleaning - eg my 4 yo has now started to vacuum & load / unload the dishwasher.
7. When you earn more money you might be able to afford a cleaner. Even them coming in once every two weeks to keep things hygienic is a massive help.

If you need more help or need a chat feel free to PM me. It’s shit doing this alone but it doesn’t have to be painful.

I find life so overwhelming at the moment organising birthday parties are not an essential to me. I will do something small for their birthdays but right now I can't handle the stress of organising parties. Also we can't afford expensive activities but I do spend a lot of time outdoors with mine at parks, in big open spaces, in nature, etc

The problem with stopping expensive activities and changing to football in the park is that it becomes yet another thing for OP to manage. She has to actually do it rather than just drop the kids off.

I would really, really look at downsizing and moving to a cheaper area, OP. If the house is smaller (and you declutter) life is so much easier

I think you need to work out if time or money is more important. You said you looked at downsizing but it wasn't worth it after fees. But a smaller house wouldn't take so long to clean and tidy. So it might be worth your time iyswim.

So presumably both girls receive DLA which would enable them to do these activities from a financial POV.

What now? It’s near impossible to get PIP for ADHD. How would they get DLA for RSD?

They're not even diagnosed yet .

100% this!!
It's why I enrolled them in an extra activity each in the first place.

OP, this additional responsibility simply isn’t worth it if it doesn’t bring in enough to outsource some of this stuff.

If you want an easier life learn to accept a lower standard of living and go back to 3 days. Or get rid of the big mortgage by accepting a lower standard of home. You DP could perhaps help out more but you are the one working a day less which I would think covers the life admin work.

@LameBorzoi absolutely. Kids with additional needs can be relentless and just being able to take them somewhere for an hour or two where someone else puts in the legwork and you have a cup of tea in peace is the difference between coping and cracking up. I don't count going to work or a "day off" doing chores and admin as down time either in case anyone is thinking that the kids go to school so it can't be that bad.

I read your bullshit post as "Oh, you sound exhausted and like you are having to pick up all the extra slack. Why don't you save your poor put upon husband by running around a field more, what's wrong with you. Virtue, virtue. I do this before 6am"! Dick move.

I have 4 DC and was working 80-100% until recently and it was always a struggle.

I don’t know what you are like but I need exercise to destress and I need audio books and too much screen time is addictive for me (and makes my mental health worse).

Could you simplify some of the kids’ stuff first? For example, could you all go for a run and a bike ride together instead of driving them to activities? Fresh air/bonding type stuff - I do not know where you live and whether that would be feasible.
Could they have school lunches instead of packed? How is your diet?

Not sure every kid has to have a birthday party every year either and I am not sure you have to keep on top of all the school stuff either. It is relentless but mine learnt that when I worked 100 per cent we would forget the occasional dress up day and I just left a wallet with a few pound coins in their bag.
I also had a robot hoover, cut down washing the bedsheets every week type thing, got into a routine of precooking 3 meals on a Sunday. And yes they did complain that we often ate the same meals but when you streamline it into a routine, it becomes much easier.

So my advice is really make sure you exercise, eat and sleep well primarily and do not stress too much about the modern life stuff like all the school demands/activities/keeping the house clean etc - those are not priorities.

Also, f*ck off. Her day off is probably spent expending more than a week's worth of his effort on their joint kids.

ADHD is usually genetic.

You say your husband is overwhelmed and doesn’t do much. Is he ADHD too?

This is an excellent point!

So I’m a lone mum now and do all this, I have two children similar to yours. I do it all by myself with negligible financial input from their absent father. It’s hard.

BUT: it isn’t nearly as stressful as it was when he was in the picture. Living with him before he left and trying to communicate and also in his limbo moving out stage pushed me to a bear breakdown.

I suppose what I’m saying is that it’s the tension between you that’s the real killer, not exactly the load (though also that is extremely exhausting).

If you want to keep him I would mentally assign certain jobs to him and then take him out of your mind for the rest. It is the only way to not go mad. You have to remove the presence of his uselessness, if you see what I mean.

*near breakdown, not bear breakdown! Though I did become hairier and angrier too

Tell your DH that either he takes on more of the load, or you will have to drop another day or 2.

YY to school dinners (if they're in primary)- it's a win win, because then you don't have to necessarily prepare a hot meal every night. If they're in secondary, they can make their own packed lunches.

Not all extracurricular activities are equal- some are expensive and require a great deal of admin (looking at you surf lifesaving club 🙄), some are much easier on parents. I have found cubs to be really good value in this respect.

Do nothing for primary school that is not 100% necessary. It's 2024, but as far as primary schools are concerned it might as well be 1954, with you at home full time in your pinny with all the time in the world to bake bloody cakes. Do not pander to them.

The same could apply to OP, which is why she's finding it so hard.

Signed, an autistic lone parent who fucking rages at how difficult primary schools seem intent on making life for parents struggling with executive function 😡

Which of you has a neurodivergence?

I feel for you. DH and I have demanding jobs - I’m away from home half the week. Me and teen DD have ADHD. DH likely ASD. We earn well but don’t have a cleaner, gardener etc. Our standards are pretty low, I’ll be honest.

Being an only, DD has always had lots of extra activities to support friendships and occupy her busy brain. I’m assuming yours are boys if their excess energy is physical. Could they take up skipping or something else they could do from home?

There was a snippet on the radio this morning of Brene Brown. She was saying that people think marriage is meant to be 50/50, but it never is. She and her husband tell each other once a day what they can bring to the table. If her husband says 40, because of something that’s going on she will assess whether she can give the extra 10 needed to bring them back to 100. If they notice a pattern, or they can’t make the balance up to 100 they go through all the “to do” lists and work out what can be ignored or deferred. Wellbeing should never be one of those things.

I’m wondering whether this might be a way of framing it with your partner.

I have ADHD. Severe. It doesn’t present in the same way for everyone. I thrive under stress and become less overwhelmed the more tasks I have to juggle. But I do need digital organisational methods.