Overworked partner not pulling his weight and I am drowning. How do we do it all?!

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Last year, our mortgage increased astronomically. I was working 3 days a week, him 5 in the same field of work.

We had a discussion about how to increase our income- we looked at downsizing but with all the fees involved it wasn't worthwhile. So I said I would increase my work to 4 days, he took on an extra responsibility at work to increase our earnings.

I knew that he would need to work longer hours- something I totally accepted. I'd be left to do our childrens bedtimes alone 3-4 times a week. However, what I didn't expect was that he would advocate all his responsibilities to family life completely.

I am now drowning and having heart palpitations through stress because I'm working 4 days in a demanding job, doing all the family related admin: medical appointments, food shopping, school liaison, all communication around after school activities, sorting out all packed lunches, non-uniform days, sponsor forms. Everything. I am working more and he is doing less at home. I am worried I'm going to burn out. He is clearly depressed in his additional role and it seems to be all.he can focus on. Both children are under paediatrics for different things, both children have suspected ADHD and need to do after school activities to burn their energy. Both swim, do gymnastics and play football. I am dealing with it all. He takes them a couple of times a week to their activities but doesn't have to think about any of it or liaise with anyone about any of it. Both children have birthdays coming up and parties that I'm organising and he is detached from all of it. He hasn't a clue what's going on and ignores any messages I send him around any of it then apologises saying he's "busy at work."

Practically, he does things at home but all the cleaning is on me on my day off. I also use the time to go to the gym myself which is a tonic.

I know how important it is for women to be financially independent and I am in a constant struggle with myself where I tell myself this extra day at work is killing me because of my partner's lack of engagement with family life, but also I know that I need to be able to support myself and also contribute more to our finances.

I have of course raised this with him countless times, I'm no wallflower, but he commits to things verbally and does nothing practically at all.

I'm genuinely worried for my health at this point, I've been on the brink of a panic attack a couple of times with how mentally busy I feel. He seems lethargic and fed up because of his workload. He tells me he can't switch off. I have never felt so stressed.

I have paid for a cleaner fortnightly for the last 2 months (it's all we can afford) which has helped a lot, but in terms of home help, we can't afford much more. The childrens activities are expensive but they both need to be able to burn some energy after sitting at school all day.

I feel like I don't want to work at all anymore, like I don't have time to work. Which is ridiculous as I know that he just needs to pull his weight more!

I don't want to hear from any martyrs who manage to magically juggle everything and not feel stressed or experience heart palpitations, I want to hear from people who genuinely hear what I'm saying and have some advice?

What do I prioritise my financial independence and our joint finances or my health?

I can't seem to force him to do anything at all! I have asked him to drop his additional responsibility which he is considering but will I have to work more and will be pick up the slack?!

Yep. The other thing is that the "day off" with the kids at school isn't a whole day, either. If you do the school run, you don't get anywhere/ home until 9.30. You still down for a cup of tea because it's the first time you've sat down all week, and all of a sudden it's after 10. You've then got a whole 4 hours to do a week's worth of errands before 2pm rolls around and you have to start thinking about school pick up again.

“lolopoplop · Today 09:20
I would look at taking in a lodger or maybe a Ukrainian person on the scheme they do - its £750 per month you can get I believe under that.”

This. I don’t know what you get under the Ukrainian scheme. But the fact you have suggested downsizing suggests you might have room for a lodger.

I don’t want to echo other posters too much but agree that something has to give. Your DH is depressed and it probably takes all he has to work long hours. You are overwhelmed and stressed from 4 days work plus the children and household. Sometimes life is more than both of you can handle.

I would fast track the girls assessments. ADHD can be easily medicated and that will reduce their needs and improve their academics. You can also then apply for DLA which will help. I would reduce from three after school activities to two.

I would keep your day off but make it a proper day off for you. No cleaning. As you don’t get weekends off because you are primary carer for the DC. Make cleaning a family job for a couple of hours on the weekend with all of you- DH and DC- pitching in. I’d keep the cleaner to do a midweek fly by clean to stay on top of things.

I would look at remortgaging and trying to extend the term of the mortgage. You can always overpay on a good month. This will decrease your monthly payment.

I have a lodger, she was a refugee but now has a work visa. It has been a great decision for me, but I would not have done it while my DC were small. My lodger is quiet, hard working, and fits in well. But, I think adding a stranger to the household would be difficult/stressful for OP's family at this point. (My DC are no longer at home).
I really feel for you OP, because we have been through a lot of money struggles in the past, we couldn't afford to buy a decent house, we lived in some really horrible rented places when the DC were little and it was hard.
You and DH really have to sit down and make a list of pros and cons, all your income and out goings and priorities.
I wasn't being flippant when I mentioned running, parks etc, it was just that you mentioned the clubs and going to the gym, husband going to the gym and wondered if all of you doing some free exercise together would be a positive substitute.

You need to start doing less OP. Let your DH fill in those gaps.
Eg DH - you're responsible for football clubs, school admin, keeping the kitchen clean and kids laundry. I won't be doing those things any more because I do everything else and I don't have time. If he drops the ball, let him drop it and pick it up again. You cannot do everything. It's impossible.

That sounds really hard.
What one thing could he do to make the biggest impact on you?
what are your working hours? Could you write down what is giving you the biggest stress and see if there’a anyway round it?
Ive recently gone full time in a demanding job, I’ve had to accept my house isn’t as clean as before. I’ve had conversations with my husband about what he needs to do because sometimes I feel I’m going insane. I
@ have the mental capacity to plan in advance like I used to!

It sounds as though he won't do it though. I can understand OP's anxiety about that.

Do you have a robot Hoover? This has really cut down my house work time. It is in initial outlay but it’s been worth it.
Also sadly you may need to adjust your expectations.
At the weekend would he clean with you eg DH we need to clean. I am going to do this bathroom. Can you do the kitchen?
maybe worth a try

Stop the activities or minimise them

And have the kids bounce off the walls instead? Genius.

The problem with stopping or minimising activities for kids with ADHD is that it often makes more work than not doing them. Bored kids make their own fun. This can mean huge mess / broken things / demanding a parent's attention all evening.

I'm the same but full time, no cleaner. My job is very full on, earn 75k which we need to pay our large mortgage which is only going to go up when our fixed rate expires, no option at all for me to reduce my salary and still pay it and the other bills etc.

I also have heart palpitations. Honestly most days I fantasise about jumping off a bridge. I cry every day when I log on to more and more demands and have my phone pinging what's app group shite about school fairs, sponsor forms etc constantly that I just ignore. But it all keeps piling up and then I feel guilty about not pulling my weight, had eighty messages about manning a stall at the school fair yesterday!

The only answer for me would be to just downsize but would also have to move out of the area, I'd still need to work but hopefully in something less mentally and emotionally demanding and draining so i have time and mental energy for my kids. But that would mean them changing schools etc.

I'm worried about what will happen to me if I keep trying to do this though.

Do less cleaning - close rooms off as you say it's a big house

Don't iron
Do less washing - change the sheets less often

Give up gym and run when the kids are at their activities so it's not wasted time

Simplify - egg and chips , beans on toast dinners or a stew that turns into a curry by day 3

Get food delivered from supermarket - use the same meal Plan each week and the same shopping list each week

Get the kids to help - if they dust and vacuum that's burning energy and learning useful skills

Drop as much as you can even stuff you don't want to

Don't make a meal out of stuff - party planning ? Have a few kids over and make some sausage rolls and let them make their own amusement

My partner is very good to be fair, but we are both really struggling. Sorry didn't mean to moan on your thread, just wanted you to know a lot of women feel like this.

Jesus, mute that WhatsApp group already!! 😯

A lot of people don't have suitable green spaces nearby these days. And those that exist are often pretty dull after school - all the kids are at minders or in clubs.

So every child for generations has had to have lots of money on heaps of activities? Genius I think not

Tell me you aren’t the parent of a ND child without telling me…….

It sounds like you are both struggling. Your husband sounds depressed and is working 5 days with extra responsibilities. You have a day off to which you spend doing housework but also get to go to the gym. Does he get to do something like this where he can decompress? I would worry less about the housework. Get the cleaner to do upstairs one week, and downstairs the next time.

Limit the activities to twice a week and get the kids helping at home! Why can’t they do chores - will soon tire them out. Make simple packed lunches, hoovering, cleaning bathrooms etc. Do the cleaning at the weekend and batch cook.

You've clearly never tried to get a reluctant ND child to do chores.

Are all ND children the same ?

Is difficulty in learning to keep home an excuse for not doing so ?

I think downsizing would help you immensely .You are obv under a lot of stress and DH should be doing his bit .Does he feel overwhelmed in his new role? Maybe he could think about taking a step back from his role ,and be more avaliable .You cannot carry on like this .My friend collapsed from the strain .Dont let that be you!

It... doesn't really sound like the problem is your partner not pulling his weight. It sounds like the problem is that you need to do less, cut your expenses, or both.

Is all of this really worth the big house? Yes it's a hassle but a smaller house might be cheaper and means you both don't have to work until that's all their is.

Or tell him you want to seperate, sell the house and go your separate ways. Its a bit premature but it's probably heading that way anyway.