Overworked partner not pulling his weight and I am drowning. How do we do it all?!

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Last year, our mortgage increased astronomically. I was working 3 days a week, him 5 in the same field of work.

We had a discussion about how to increase our income- we looked at downsizing but with all the fees involved it wasn't worthwhile. So I said I would increase my work to 4 days, he took on an extra responsibility at work to increase our earnings.

I knew that he would need to work longer hours- something I totally accepted. I'd be left to do our childrens bedtimes alone 3-4 times a week. However, what I didn't expect was that he would advocate all his responsibilities to family life completely.

I am now drowning and having heart palpitations through stress because I'm working 4 days in a demanding job, doing all the family related admin: medical appointments, food shopping, school liaison, all communication around after school activities, sorting out all packed lunches, non-uniform days, sponsor forms. Everything. I am working more and he is doing less at home. I am worried I'm going to burn out. He is clearly depressed in his additional role and it seems to be all.he can focus on. Both children are under paediatrics for different things, both children have suspected ADHD and need to do after school activities to burn their energy. Both swim, do gymnastics and play football. I am dealing with it all. He takes them a couple of times a week to their activities but doesn't have to think about any of it or liaise with anyone about any of it. Both children have birthdays coming up and parties that I'm organising and he is detached from all of it. He hasn't a clue what's going on and ignores any messages I send him around any of it then apologises saying he's "busy at work."

Practically, he does things at home but all the cleaning is on me on my day off. I also use the time to go to the gym myself which is a tonic.

I know how important it is for women to be financially independent and I am in a constant struggle with myself where I tell myself this extra day at work is killing me because of my partner's lack of engagement with family life, but also I know that I need to be able to support myself and also contribute more to our finances.

I have of course raised this with him countless times, I'm no wallflower, but he commits to things verbally and does nothing practically at all.

I'm genuinely worried for my health at this point, I've been on the brink of a panic attack a couple of times with how mentally busy I feel. He seems lethargic and fed up because of his workload. He tells me he can't switch off. I have never felt so stressed.

I have paid for a cleaner fortnightly for the last 2 months (it's all we can afford) which has helped a lot, but in terms of home help, we can't afford much more. The childrens activities are expensive but they both need to be able to burn some energy after sitting at school all day.

I feel like I don't want to work at all anymore, like I don't have time to work. Which is ridiculous as I know that he just needs to pull his weight more!

I don't want to hear from any martyrs who manage to magically juggle everything and not feel stressed or experience heart palpitations, I want to hear from people who genuinely hear what I'm saying and have some advice?

What do I prioritise my financial independence and our joint finances or my health?

I can't seem to force him to do anything at all! I have asked him to drop his additional responsibility which he is considering but will I have to work more and will be pick up the slack?!

@1AngelicFruitCake

Honestly we were absolutely sick to death of bickering and last minute panic because we forgot a hospital appointment was coming up and who was able to take one of the kids. Or saying I told you about XYZ. I struggled so much remembering my husbands shift patterns which changes regularly and our child care changes around it. I always felt so behind.

I have to plan my work, have meetings, track things set reminders and I was like why do I struggle so much at home. And that made me think OK change how we are managing all this. And that's what having a family and home is managing day in day out.

So the first thing was me having my husbands shifts on my Google calendar. Which you can add as a widget on your front screen. He just added them as events and added me to them.

Then I happened to get a new planner that had a great two page month spread with loads of space to write and space for a list of things to do that month. So it went from there. I think sitting down together with it helps so much because once it's done we just get on with it. There is much less have you done this, did you pay that or make that call.

I also connected my calendar to Alexa so I can just say Alexa add whatever to my calendar and we use reminders for things.

Set washing days was my husbands idea. It means no sorting once they are dried they just go to whatever room/person they belong to.

We have certain things we do on a Sunday, again reminders on Alexa. I joke if its not on Alexa its not happening.

We are rubbish at meal planning and that is something I struggle with but for now Im much happier than I was and I hardly ever forget things or get pissed of with husband that Im doing more. I still feel its choas some days and I can still forget stuff but its so much less stressful than it use to be.

If the house is so large your cleaner struggles to clean part of it in the allotted time and you are absolutely exhausted and burnt out then does it really matter whether or not you lose a bit of money in the sale but downsize and actually have a happier family life. I think you’ve got your priorities wrong. Make time for your family, be less stressed, be together. Life is short as it is, I would downsize and prioritise mine and my family’s health and wellbeing over owning a large home I struggle to cope with financially.

She doesn't have the time or mental capacity to bring a refugee into the mix. We did endless paperwork. I struggled to cope with the mental aspects of what it involved without any of the struggles the OP has.

You don't need a diagnosis. You get DLA dependent on their needs. I’m guessing you've not applied then?

The answers are the ones you don't want to hear, because they all involve more work in the short term, but it's the long term gain.

Downsizing. The costs may seem additional upfront, but long term you're saving time and money on all kinds of things, from cleaning bills to heating in winter to just living less stressfully.
Your OH finding a job he actually likes, ideally that pays more.
Cutting out all the things you don't need to do, like parties, sponsorship forms, etc.

This will give you the breathing room to do things like consolidate activities and have fun time to spend with your own kids yourself. Your kids can socialise at other people's parties and play dates etc. And part of being a kid is finding your own fun and learning to be independent and entertaining yourself. Not being constantly exhausted with lots of expensive activities.

The difference here between your situation and mine is that your husband IS carrying some of the mental load.

Just by sitting with you and going through the calender with you and all commitments, he is already sharing the load with you.

Mine will not do this.
He will sit with me and say absolutely nothing. Agree to things and not follow through. Communication is always a two way street which is why I'm drowning in the first place. I have planners and calenders coming out of my ears, we have a shared app. But I am the only one using any of it and he is refusing to take any notice.

If I sit him down he will nod away, say nothing, stare out of the window and ask me if we're done before we've even started.

The mechanics of family life seems to bore him. He has no get up and go for our family. I can't even get him to plan holidays with me. I am completely on my own even with the best will in the world.

He's working around 45-50 hours per week but says he can't engage with family life mentally because he can't switch off from work.

This doesn’t work with adhd kids though. Mine could never entertain herself.

Ah yes, the man-job. Which trumps absolutely everything. Your job, childcare, housework and mental load are nothing compared to the strain a man-job puts on a man with a man-job.

I'm trying not to say ltb, but that's what i mean really.

I agree with the previous poster who said switch to school meals, one less thing to get ready.

I have a calendar on my phone that keeps me on track, it has alerts for unusual things like non-uniform days. Sometimes I forget anyway, and that’s ok. My son still goes to school, my daughter still goes to nursery. We can only do our best.

I used to live in a bigger house and found that a lot harder to keep on top of and keep clean.

You're struggling, your husband is struggling you have said he is clearly depressed, disengaged, can't switch off from work. Working 50 hours per week...... he still does some work in the home, he takes the children to activities a few times per week.
You can't really expect more out of either of you!

Football. Swimming. Gymnastics....one of them has to go.

School lunches instead of packed lunches.

You really need to look at downsizing...you say the house is really big and it sounds like you borrowed near your limit and then interest rates have gone up. There are only 4 of you.

This isn't a good life for either of you if you're stressed and he's depressed.
We bought a smaller and cheaper house due to it being 11 years ago and the interest rates were low. We knew the only way would be up and it fluctuates. Ours has nearly doubled also so I am aware of the cost of living increasing. Both in healthcare jobs.

But he didn't before because I did manage everything. As if it all just magically happened until it didn't.

He is as burnt out as you. My previous job I worked 50 hrs + per week easily and to be honest I didn't even want to hear a word from anyone in this house once I got home. Because I didn't have anything else to give. So our home life went to hell.

So I left that job. Because it was sending me to have a breakdown.

Hence why we live a different type of life now.

Why is it difficult for you to actually believe your husband isn't coping any better with the decisions you both have made?
His mental health is as fucked as yours.

And what is the worst that will happen if he doesn't do something he agreed?

You have options, neither of you need to be living like this. But your both so stressed you can't see it.

Tell your DH that his lack of contribution to family life is not acceptable and if he is having difficulty due to psychological issues he should get appropriate help for it.
Thing is if he doesn't really care and you stop carrying all the load, the people who will suffer are the kids. Even if you divorce, he will probably happily hand them over to you and leave .....

I assume he hasn't always been like this?

I think I have been where your husband is now. It sounds like burnout. Really bad burnout.

When I got to that point, I literally couldn't do any more. People would say things to me, ask me to do b things, and I would intend to do them, but I just couldn't.

There is only one way to fix it, and that's to downsize. I know that's hard because it means so much more work in the short term.

I'm not saying they shouldn't do chores. I'm saying that it's not a substitute for adequate exercise. Chores go much better if the kids have had their needs met.

It all sounds very difficult. I have an ADHD/PDA DS, and his activities are absolutely crucial to his wellbeing. If your DDs are struggling socially at school, but are having success with activities after school, I completely understand why you would be loathe to cut back. Plus the respite (for you) the activities provide.

I wonder if downsizing is the way forward?

Agree with PP that your DH sounds like he's in burnout.

This

One other PP mentioned it but in with other things.

Instead of downsizing, could you extend the term of your mortgage? Thus reducing monthly payments a little and meaning you could perhaps buy in more frequent cleaning etc?

We reached a similar point. Dh working full time stressed and depressed. Me working practically full time in a stressful role whilst doing all kids stuff (two with additional needs) and caring for my mum. I had a breakdown and then dh had to step up much more than if he had helped in the first place.

I left my job and now work three days in a stress free role. I still do all the home stuff but it's manageable and dh can focus on work. Only issue now is is if I get ill

I would also look again at downsizing, or extending the term of your mortgage. However now it will be something else to add to your plate.

I would also look again at how you manage your own time. Clearly your DH can't or won't do any more at the moment.
Perhaps use the day off to clean (do as much as you can in 2 hours), life admin, online food order. Basically set yourself up for the week ahead.
Drop 1 club per child.
Can you go to the gym in the evenings maybe?

The other option is ltb of course but would your life be easier? If he hasn't always been this way, I think he's really struggling too.

Reflecting, I think a big part of the problem is that the childrens inset days and bank holidays keep falling on my day at home so I'm not able to get things done on my day off. I could swap my day at home but then we would have childcare issues on the Mondays.

Ditch the girls' activities and your gym membership and take them for a run every night instead. Use the money saved for a cleaner or other support.

Ah, yes, that will have a big impact because you actually have far fewer alone days than you thought. This time of year just gone is a bitch for BHs!!

How old are your DDs, sorry if I missed it?

The activities ARE support, both for the girls and for the OP, who knows that they are occupied and happy with friends so can put down the mental load of worrying about them for an hour.