No matter how many times I say no, they still keep expecting it of me

[IDoCareButDontWantToBeTheirCarer]

Background: I am a single parent to a disabled child. My DD is almost 10, part time wheelchair user thanks for a genetic condition and also has general learning difficulties, speech and eye sight problems – she can walk and talk and see things but she struggles. She also has other conditions.

I love her with all my heart and will never not care for her but my life is full on with her. Between her admin, my own admin, keeping on top of the house and the disrupted nights I don’t have time for proper friends – all my friends are online ones who’re in a similar position so know I can’t meet up often.

I do not have the condition she has, it’s most likely one of those things. I have never had and never will have any other children apart from DD, because I am so tired by being her all. I often have to change plans at the drop of a hat and even when she’s at school/her dads I don’t get a proper break from caring for her – I do not mind this, as I said I will never not care for her, I chose to bring her into the world it is my duty therefore to take on the responsibility of caring for her. I receive carers allowance due to DD being on DLA (HRC and HRM for anyone who understands how it works – which is a lot for a 9-year-old so her needs really are very high when she’s bad). DD is also at a specialist school and has been since Year 1.

To the issue: One of my parents has recently been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and will need round the clock care in the coming years.

Parent has asked me and sibling to share the caring responsibilities. I have said no, I have enough on my plate with DD, and I cannot give anymore. The little time I do have is for me to rest so I can be the best parent and carer I can be to DD. I have stated that my preference is a care home/hospice type set up, I would visit but not provide care.

Parent has made it clear they are against either a care home or hospice type set up, they want to be in their own home and be cared for by their children. I have again said I will not be providing care and if sibling chooses to support parent, they will be providing the caring alone. I am happy to have a smaller share of the inheritance or even receive none at all (I literally don’t care) if parent feels it’s unfair for sibling to provide the care with no gain over me.

Sibling and parent have both said I am disgusting; I should want to care for my parent until the end and that’s the reason parents have children. Apparently, that’s why you have children. They have also said DD doesn’t need me 24/7 given she goes to school and her dads, so I can commit to at least 1 or 2 days a week caring as it’s my responsibility and duty to care for my parent. Sibling says they’re in a similar set up to me – they have a wife and 2 DC – and they manage to care for siblings ILs so I have time and I am using my DD as an excuse.

Parent said I could ask my other parent (different to siblings) to have DD for me so I can provide care and take the burden off sibling or I could ask ExH or his parents to have DD more so I can provide for my parent – but I can’t ExH already provides more care that he’s comfortable with and Ex-PILs have jobs and other commitments. Apparently when Adult Social Services become involved they are telling them exactly this, that I do have time and can commit I just don’t want to because I couldn’t be responsible if it kicked me in the face and I will be made to live up to my responsibilities.

I really don’t have time, DD is with her dad now until tomorrow (inset day for school so she’ll spend the day with her dad to give me a proper rest), and I’ve already been down to his house twice since she went yesterday to drop off various things and to hug her because her dad just cannot provide the same level of comfort she needs. But my sibling thinks I am just giving in to DD and that she should have to learn to cope without me occasionally.

Am I going to be forced to care for my parent when DD is at school because they say I have to? I really cannot cope with it.

For context I live within 10 minutes drive of parent (because I am also within 10 minutes of ExH which is why I can drop everything when he asks me to) and sibling is 40 minutes’ drive so I can see how I may end up being expected to but I literally can’t. This post has taken me most of the day to write due to other things I have to do.

@IDoCareButDontWantToBeTheirCarer

Not his choice.
Or of course your brother can commit to the job - and he will most likely in no time be busy elsewhere.

Absolutely keep saying no.
It's really unfair of them to expect this of you.

Come and join us on this thread:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5036546-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-3

No grandparents worth desevering the title would ask you to neglect your DD for their own benefit op.
You have no reason to feel guilty at all, keep stonewalling him.

Don't give in! I have long term cared for a child, it is exhausting and people just don't get how much you need your respite time.
Your dad and brother will have to sort out carers, social services won't make you do anything, you have every right to say no. Do not let them bully you into this.
I don't know anyone that had children so they'd have someone to care for them! I'd much prefer my children didn't do any personal care for me, fair enough to grab a bit of shopping and do a few chores, but not caring full time, its not fair on them. They both sound a bit entitled.

As I've not seen it said yet, remember;
No is a complete sentence.

Stop explaining to them. Just 'No'.

Your daughter's needs are paramount in this situation.

Your parents are being selfish.

Anyone else not all surprised that two men in the family are wanting yet more caring commitments from a woman?

His wants do not trump yours, keep repeating no, it’s not possible in your circumstances and it’s absolutely repulsive to suggest that caring responsibilities are the reason people have children, what a horrible and untrue thing to say.

Just because that’s what he wants doesn’t mean it’s what he can get.

You are already a full-time carer. You cannot and must not do more.

Are you familiar with the ‘grey rock’ technique? Essentially you decide on a phrase you’ll use on any demand or argument given, and say only that.

“I cannot be your carer, Dad. I’m sorry but that’s all I can say.”

“I cannot be Dad’s carer, Brother. I’m sorry but that’s all I can say.”

Repeat to any and all attacks/arguments/opinions/etc

As soon as I read the OP I knew it was about her father and brother...

Indeed. Quite the shock, isn’t it? Bastards

Also, not just one woman. They’ve also suggested OP’s mother can do more care of OP’s DD too, to free up OP. Bastards

You are being told absolute rubbish.
Nobody can force you to take on a caring role.
You have enough on your plate and you should continue to say no.
Engage stuck record mode with family and with social services if needed.
"I don't have capacity to help"
"I'm not able to take this on"
And repeat. As many times as needed

As it’s a brother, I bet he’s expecting you to take on a majority of the caring! He won’t be doing it.

This is absolute nonsense and they’re putting pressure on you as the female in the scenario to fulfil the caring role. Keep saying no.

From what I have seen, end of life care requires a team of caregivers, paid and unpaid. You and brother were never going to be enough no matter what Dad says.

You could just go with, "Ya sure I will see what I can do" - and then flake out just like your brother is planning on doing.

Yeah your brothers pissed off because he thought you would do the bulk of it and he’d get a gold star for sticking his head around the corner once in a while. And your dad is pissed off because he thinks he’s more important than you and your daughter and probably because he’s scared of having people he doesn’t know in his home.

Stick to your guns and count how many times they have offered to help you.

Good for you. Your brother sister in law will have to step up if he's so sure this is the right thing to do.

OP I have watched that story unfold so many times with friends and family I know. It's always the same.

The person doesn't want strangers in the house blah blah. Family can do it blah blah. No consideration for women who work especially from the older generation who forget it's not like what they saw in the past when the women cared for any oldies, now these women have full times jobs or caring responsibilities themselves so it's not like it was in the 50s, 60s or 70s when a married woman didn't 'work' and had time to care for older relatives.

So now the family try and care for the person between them. They become run down and exhausted caring. The person becomes a burden. Which is not what anyone wanted. Eventually they have to get help in.

Then the 'strangers' come in. Then the person sees it's not as bad as they thought. That they enjoy a wee chat and it's somehow less embarrassing when it's personal care when it's NOT family wiping your bum etc. And everybody wishes they had cut to the chase sooner as it's so much better.

So if you can even arrange for carers to do a one month trial and review how things have gone after that, then it would give them a chance to see it's not as bad as they feared.

This. All of a sudden his job will be far too important for him to do anything at all during the day, and he couldn't possibly do anything at night because, you know, he has his important job to go to in the morning and he can't be tired for that. Your dad will back him up saying that it is a man's responsibility to go out to work and the woman's responsibility to look after elderly parents.

Keep on saying it:

"No. I can't".

It will have to be your mantra.

Is it possible for you to attend one of the social services meetings with your father- this would ensure that you knew what was being said by both parties, advocate on your dad's behalf if needed AND make it clear to the social worker that you will not be acting as a full time carer? Your father can have whatever preferences he wants, but he can't demand that you do anything.

Your plate sounds very full and it's good that you are being realistic about what support your able to provide from the offset.

I know this isn't the point of your post, but is there any way that you can take a bit of time for you now that your daughter goes to school? You sound very exhausted and your life sounds very hard.

I know what social services are like when it comes to home care for elderly relatives. We had a bucketful of it a couple of years ago.

My advice to the OP would be to keep as far away as possible from speaking to social services, organising things, arranging meetings and so on. Assume no responsibility for any of it whatsoever. The dad appears to have capacity, and if he tells social service that the OP will be doing it, then he will have another think coming - and so will social services if they contact the OP.
@IDoCareButDontWantToBeTheirCarer You have to be absolutely 100% adamant if SS contact you. You cannot do it because you have a disabled child yourself. They can't force you to do it.

Nope. Your parents need to grow up and take responsibility for themselves, and your sibling needs to butt the fuck out. You are not obliged, legally or morally, to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, and you have more than enough on your plate already.

I am caring for my elderly father at the moment - which I can do, because my caring responsibilities towards my children have decreased, and I have the time, money and emotional bandwidth to care for him. If things had been as they were five years ago - when I had a ND teenager self-harming, suicidal and wrestling an eating disorder - and dad had needed care, I wouldn't have been able to provide it, so other arrangements would have had to be made for him.

You have one colossal thing going for you - you know your limits and you are able to set sensible boundaries and prioritise your time and energy. Don't let anyone erode that with emotional blackmail and bullying, family or not. You are in the right.

And turning nasty when they don't get it? Nope, not at all.

Their self focus knows no bounds does it? As another poster put it don’t justify, defend or argue. They are too self focused to care what you think anyway. Keep saying no.