No matter how many times I say no, they still keep expecting it of me

[IDoCareButDontWantToBeTheirCarer]

Background: I am a single parent to a disabled child. My DD is almost 10, part time wheelchair user thanks for a genetic condition and also has general learning difficulties, speech and eye sight problems – she can walk and talk and see things but she struggles. She also has other conditions.

I love her with all my heart and will never not care for her but my life is full on with her. Between her admin, my own admin, keeping on top of the house and the disrupted nights I don’t have time for proper friends – all my friends are online ones who’re in a similar position so know I can’t meet up often.

I do not have the condition she has, it’s most likely one of those things. I have never had and never will have any other children apart from DD, because I am so tired by being her all. I often have to change plans at the drop of a hat and even when she’s at school/her dads I don’t get a proper break from caring for her – I do not mind this, as I said I will never not care for her, I chose to bring her into the world it is my duty therefore to take on the responsibility of caring for her. I receive carers allowance due to DD being on DLA (HRC and HRM for anyone who understands how it works – which is a lot for a 9-year-old so her needs really are very high when she’s bad). DD is also at a specialist school and has been since Year 1.

To the issue: One of my parents has recently been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and will need round the clock care in the coming years.

Parent has asked me and sibling to share the caring responsibilities. I have said no, I have enough on my plate with DD, and I cannot give anymore. The little time I do have is for me to rest so I can be the best parent and carer I can be to DD. I have stated that my preference is a care home/hospice type set up, I would visit but not provide care.

Parent has made it clear they are against either a care home or hospice type set up, they want to be in their own home and be cared for by their children. I have again said I will not be providing care and if sibling chooses to support parent, they will be providing the caring alone. I am happy to have a smaller share of the inheritance or even receive none at all (I literally don’t care) if parent feels it’s unfair for sibling to provide the care with no gain over me.

Sibling and parent have both said I am disgusting; I should want to care for my parent until the end and that’s the reason parents have children. Apparently, that’s why you have children. They have also said DD doesn’t need me 24/7 given she goes to school and her dads, so I can commit to at least 1 or 2 days a week caring as it’s my responsibility and duty to care for my parent. Sibling says they’re in a similar set up to me – they have a wife and 2 DC – and they manage to care for siblings ILs so I have time and I am using my DD as an excuse.

Parent said I could ask my other parent (different to siblings) to have DD for me so I can provide care and take the burden off sibling or I could ask ExH or his parents to have DD more so I can provide for my parent – but I can’t ExH already provides more care that he’s comfortable with and Ex-PILs have jobs and other commitments. Apparently when Adult Social Services become involved they are telling them exactly this, that I do have time and can commit I just don’t want to because I couldn’t be responsible if it kicked me in the face and I will be made to live up to my responsibilities.

I really don’t have time, DD is with her dad now until tomorrow (inset day for school so she’ll spend the day with her dad to give me a proper rest), and I’ve already been down to his house twice since she went yesterday to drop off various things and to hug her because her dad just cannot provide the same level of comfort she needs. But my sibling thinks I am just giving in to DD and that she should have to learn to cope without me occasionally.

Am I going to be forced to care for my parent when DD is at school because they say I have to? I really cannot cope with it.

For context I live within 10 minutes drive of parent (because I am also within 10 minutes of ExH which is why I can drop everything when he asks me to) and sibling is 40 minutes’ drive so I can see how I may end up being expected to but I literally can’t. This post has taken me most of the day to write due to other things I have to do.

Just keeping saying no. Refuse to discuss it over and over again.

Just because your relative wants a certain set up doesn't mean they can have it!! It's tough. They will need to reassess what they want now you have said no.

Being a parent carer is so so huge. People don't realise what an all consuming role it is. And like you say we do it out of love. But that doesn't mean we have endless love and reserves for every one we know. We are human and have limits and you are right to say sorry nope I cannot be your carer too. Your relative is being selfish.

Also - it is always expected that a nearby female relative do the heavy lifting of family care. 🙄😡 But just because it's expected doesn't mean it's right, or that you have to do it!

Op you're more than entitled to say no to your dad and brother and I think it's disgusting they're pressuring you.

Also, I know it's not the point of the thread but you say your child's father is doing more caring for the child then is comfortable with, I also wonder what he would do if he didn't have you making all the sacrifices for your child. Perhaps all these people need to start realising how much you do.

Your df does not have the right to refuse the care of others and say he wants it from you. That is incredibly selfish and self-centered, and I say that as a person with a disability. Just keep refusing. He is wrong.

As others have said, you can't be forced to do this- you need to be firm about what you can/can't do with your family and social services if they contact you. Make it clear you cannot make any firm commitments because of your daughter.

I agree that your brother is guilting you because he expected you could do the bulk of it, and he could dump it on you without upsetting his father. In reality, I doubt he is going to care for your father full time, so perhaps when he realises you really aren't going to help, you can have a sensible conversation about what a care plan could actually look like.

Your dad can't force family to care for him. Is it also a money thing? E.g. will he have to pay for some/all of the care?

Sorry if I’ve missed it, but has your dad helped with care of your DD? Has your sibling?

Stay far, far away.

You have more than enough on your plate and need a solo holiday, which I am keenly aware is unlikely to happen for you.

You will have to have boundaries of steel but just repeat, no, ad infinitum.

Basically two men are bullying you into the role of care provider.

if you accept this role your brother will make all sorts of excuses with him being 40 mins away and it will all fall on you.

stay firm and focus on your DD

Haven't RTFT but I read all that OP like Fucking Hell My Love go NC with the lot of them. Shower of pricks.

I don't think it would matter even if they had. Someone who helps to look after a disabled young relative should do so willingly and unreservedly, and without the expectation that payback time is around the corner.

Also, your family will find that Social Services if they get involved will almost certainly absolve you from being classed as available family support, I should think.

Social services have no right to designate anyone as 'available family support' and they would have no power to enforce it anyway.

When my mum was dying, my dad wanted to bring her home and for me and my sister to be full time carers. We both had our own homes, children and partners. We both said no, we couldn't leave our own families to do that, never mind our jobs, we also couldn't do personal care. He wasnt very happy, but if you can't do it then just say no, I'm sorry but I can't do it, it's too much.

We visited her in hospital almost every day, but changing her nappy and washing her was done by the staff and we could just hold her hand and chat to her.

SS always ask if the person has a support network or is isolated

That's bloody outrageous of them and so typical of their male entitlement that you, the woman, should step up when it comes to any sort of caring responsibility.

I'm so sorry you're being bullied like this. It's horrible and completely unacceptable.

Sending you strength and solidarity.

Nope. I'm in a similar situation and I have said I will not and cannot be doing any caring for my parents. People have no idea how much admin and faff having a disabled child is.
You won't be expected to care for your parents, it's different to under 18s where there is an assumption that you will do the majority of the caring, there is no obligation whatsoever to look after another adult. If your parent's needs are medical they can apply for nhs continuing healthcare funding to pay for care.

Don't let your Dad and brother bully you into agreeing to what they want.

If you did agree to taking on some of your Dad's care, I would put money on your brother reducing his contribution of care, so that you would carry the burden of the majority of the care.

You mention the possibility of an inheritance, so your Dad must have some funds available. He needs to spend them on paying for professional care.

Don't let them guilt trip you into helping them, you already have huge commitments and demands on your time. Focus on your daughter and your own needs, and be determined when you speak to social services.

Op I'm sorry your family are trying to guilt you into caring for your mum. You have enough on looking after your daughter . Please ask social services for a care assessment and keep strong x

I cared for mil.

The realities of it include a lot of toileting incidents. In bed clean up because you physically can’t move the person an inch but you have to get right in there.. while they’re crying because all their dignity is gone and they’re in more pain then they should be because you’re not trained in how to do any of it but you’ve had your 4x 10 minute carer visits for the day.

Your dad wants this for you?

Call me a cynic but I'm betting if you gave an inch it would be you doing all the donkey work as the woman, and your brother would do fuck all.

Nobody can force anybody else to provide care OP. Even without your particular situation you still have a right to say no. Stick to your guns. Anyone who would gladly (and forcefully) take a mother's time and energy away from her young disabled daughter is the disgusting one. Your daughter is a child, and your child needs you. And you need to make sure that you get enough respite and rest to be able to provide the best for your child, not for a grown adult who should know better.

so it's not like it was in the 50s, 60s or 70s when a married woman didn't 'work' and had time to care for older relatives

Can we stop with this 'married women didn't work in the 50s 60s and 70s' shit please? the reality is a lot of them did and ran themselves ragged trying to care for relatives as well because, surprise surprise, that was seen as their job.

Your parent needs paid professional carers. You cannot take on their care on top of DD’s very demanding needs. Keep saying No. Your parent and sibling are being unreasonable, not you.

You have enough to do with looking after your DD. You need to keep saying no, I am sorry they are putting you in this situation.

"You've brought this up a few times now and thw answer hasn't changed. I'm sorry you don't like it."

"My answer is still no. I'm sorry but you need to accept it."

Why does it not surprise me?

Keep saying NO.
They cannot force you to look after your dad if you don’t want to.

Btw expect the pressure to ramp up when your brother realises how much work is actually involved in caring for someone on his own. unless he is managing to palm off some of that work into his dwife.

And when they’ll realise that a care home/hospice is needed, I suspect they’ll use even more emotional blackmail.

😢😢