No matter how many times I say no, they still keep expecting it of me

[IDoCareButDontWantToBeTheirCarer]

Background: I am a single parent to a disabled child. My DD is almost 10, part time wheelchair user thanks for a genetic condition and also has general learning difficulties, speech and eye sight problems – she can walk and talk and see things but she struggles. She also has other conditions.

I love her with all my heart and will never not care for her but my life is full on with her. Between her admin, my own admin, keeping on top of the house and the disrupted nights I don’t have time for proper friends – all my friends are online ones who’re in a similar position so know I can’t meet up often.

I do not have the condition she has, it’s most likely one of those things. I have never had and never will have any other children apart from DD, because I am so tired by being her all. I often have to change plans at the drop of a hat and even when she’s at school/her dads I don’t get a proper break from caring for her – I do not mind this, as I said I will never not care for her, I chose to bring her into the world it is my duty therefore to take on the responsibility of caring for her. I receive carers allowance due to DD being on DLA (HRC and HRM for anyone who understands how it works – which is a lot for a 9-year-old so her needs really are very high when she’s bad). DD is also at a specialist school and has been since Year 1.

To the issue: One of my parents has recently been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and will need round the clock care in the coming years.

Parent has asked me and sibling to share the caring responsibilities. I have said no, I have enough on my plate with DD, and I cannot give anymore. The little time I do have is for me to rest so I can be the best parent and carer I can be to DD. I have stated that my preference is a care home/hospice type set up, I would visit but not provide care.

Parent has made it clear they are against either a care home or hospice type set up, they want to be in their own home and be cared for by their children. I have again said I will not be providing care and if sibling chooses to support parent, they will be providing the caring alone. I am happy to have a smaller share of the inheritance or even receive none at all (I literally don’t care) if parent feels it’s unfair for sibling to provide the care with no gain over me.

Sibling and parent have both said I am disgusting; I should want to care for my parent until the end and that’s the reason parents have children. Apparently, that’s why you have children. They have also said DD doesn’t need me 24/7 given she goes to school and her dads, so I can commit to at least 1 or 2 days a week caring as it’s my responsibility and duty to care for my parent. Sibling says they’re in a similar set up to me – they have a wife and 2 DC – and they manage to care for siblings ILs so I have time and I am using my DD as an excuse.

Parent said I could ask my other parent (different to siblings) to have DD for me so I can provide care and take the burden off sibling or I could ask ExH or his parents to have DD more so I can provide for my parent – but I can’t ExH already provides more care that he’s comfortable with and Ex-PILs have jobs and other commitments. Apparently when Adult Social Services become involved they are telling them exactly this, that I do have time and can commit I just don’t want to because I couldn’t be responsible if it kicked me in the face and I will be made to live up to my responsibilities.

I really don’t have time, DD is with her dad now until tomorrow (inset day for school so she’ll spend the day with her dad to give me a proper rest), and I’ve already been down to his house twice since she went yesterday to drop off various things and to hug her because her dad just cannot provide the same level of comfort she needs. But my sibling thinks I am just giving in to DD and that she should have to learn to cope without me occasionally.

Am I going to be forced to care for my parent when DD is at school because they say I have to? I really cannot cope with it.

For context I live within 10 minutes drive of parent (because I am also within 10 minutes of ExH which is why I can drop everything when he asks me to) and sibling is 40 minutes’ drive so I can see how I may end up being expected to but I literally can’t. This post has taken me most of the day to write due to other things I have to do.

You say it will all fall to your brother? I doubt it op, these men are pretty good at saying no dad actually we will need some help.

even if it does, will it be more than you are doing for your child? It’s still a fair allocation of duties.

I do feel guilty in a way because of course it’ll all fall to brother if dad insists on no home/hospice/carers but that’s also not my problem.

No. It won't 'fall to him' and there's nothing to feel guilty about. If your brother ends up as full time carer it's because he's chosen to. He's as entitled and able to say no as you are.

It's not the point of the thread but I'm sorry you're dealing with such an unsupportive ex-husband as well. It's clear you're devoted to your daughter but she's also his responsibility and is clearly not as much a priority for him.

I think there's a trend here in terms of your father, brother and ex, they're all attempting to off-load work on your shoulders and it's grossly unfair.

Yep. Soon as I saw this this makes sense. Fucking men thinking us women are put on this earth for them. What a joke.

OP- they are selfish & entitled- look after yourself & your child who needs you the most. DF needs to get himself into hospice /care at least part time he can see your situation.

Have you tried contacting SIL? I’m guessing SHE looks after her parents, not him. Let her know you are being pressured and that your bro is minimising the care requirements of your dad and daughter. Call SS in if you need to.

I would honestly ask him / each of them to spend 24 hours looking after DD under your supervision, when she’s doing badly, and then ask them if they could manage that on top of caring for an adult with care needs too. They sound dreadful, and honestly like they think caring is primarily a female’s responsibility. I suspect if DD had no disabilities, that shared care with your brother would magically turn into you doing all of it.

You are under no obligation to provide care for your father. And even if you wanted to, two people cannot provide round the clock care unassisted. It’s simply not possible, especially if you’re not medically qualified which I assume neither of you are.

Of course it’s your dad and brother. No wonder they are throwing their toys out of the pram.

Keep strong OP, they can’t force you.

@IDoCareButDontWantToBeTheirCarer

it’ll all fall to brother if dad insists on no home/hospice/carers but that’s also not my problem.

I had a feeling it was your father and brother when I read your post.

You were absolutely right to be realistic and very clear that you cannot provide the care being demanded of you ("because that's why people have children" - or any other reason). You already sound stretched and would burn out and be unable to look after yourself or your child.

They, particularly your father, have rightly say no home/hospice/carers, but then they need to find another solution which works for them. Stay resolute OP. 🌹

I don't have a high needs DC and I would still say no to this. My life is my own, just as my DCs is and when I need care, I very much hope I remember this and just pay for it or go into a home, rather than expecting my DCs to sacrifice the prime of their life for me.

I'm an only DC with elderly DPs. They live an hour away and I visit frequently, but they have already said they want to go into a home if they need to and they have the means to pay for it. I think there will be a grey area where they don't think they are quite ready- I'm already at an impasse about them getting a cleaner - but at least the general principle has been agreed.

Keep saying No OP and remember they are the selfish ones, not you.

Op - social services will pressure family to care; please understand this isn't because they are evil it is because the law (that adult social care falls under) states that care is the responsibility of family and that the state should only step in as a last resort

Bloody hell,.don't say that out loud or it might actually happen! I'd rather go to prison than be forced to do care like.

No one should be a carer if they don't want to. I say that as a full time carer. It is exhausting mentally and physically.

Tough, really. How much has he helped out with your daughter?

Can you point out that they won't be strangers after a very short time? I must say, if I needed care I think I would rather receive it from trained "strangers" than my children.

Slightly off the point, but do you have a care plan for your daughter from social services? You would clearly be entitled to it.

Caring for someone full time is impossible even with two of you. We tried it and we were 4 and honestly even between us we couldn’t cope. You need to keep saying no. Your parent will be better off having professional carers who are trained.

Ask them who will care for you when you are old/ailing? And yes, I agree this 'request' is pure sexism and they both think the woman should be doing the caring. Fully expect your brother to fade out of the picture the minute they've put you in your place. Arseholes. I'd honestly be tempted to block your brother and go LC with your dad.

Just say " no " and keep saying it. Did either your dad or brother ever step in to help you with your DD at all? I'm guessing not because they probably see caring as "woman's work". You owe them the sum of fuck all and if I were you I'd seriously think about going LC or even NC if they continue with their nonsense.

This. I have a friend whose father needs 24 hour care. There are 5 siblings and they couldn't manage it on top of their own family needs (various needs within the individual families). It was all well and good at the beginning when their father's needs weren't as great as they are now but he sadly deteriorated and they were less and less able to cope and he's had to go into a home, despite all protestations from him and from a couple of the family members.

Parent has made it clear they are against either a care home or hospice type set up, they want to be in their own home and be cared for by their children
Parent can say what they want it doesn't mean it will happen.
This attitude of your dads is beyond selfish, speak to SS yourself and make it clear this is not your responsibility.

Oh OP, you sound lovely and a wonderful Mum.

Your Dad and brother sound like selfish pricks who don't care about you at all except as a service human. They way they are treating you is appalling - they clearly don't care about you or your DD at all. I'd be going NC after this.

I bet they've never offered to look after DD to give you respite, have they?

Social services will recognise that the safety and wellbeing of your DD comes first. You have to prioritise that and that includes some downtime for you so you are able to function at a high level when caring for DD, so you have something in the tank when she goes through a difficult period.

If they keep pushing I'd be tempted to say something along the lines of 'I have told you this is not possible. If you keep trying to emotionally blackmail me I will need to cut contact because it is affecting my mental health and my ability to care for my DD'.

No. Your DD comes first. Then its you and your precious time alone to recharge from being your DDs carer.

youre going to gave to grow a thick skin here. Stick to no and just repeat. Can you speak to the services involved yourself to see what options are available for your parent?

do not feel obligated here. No is a complete sentence

Keep firm. No one can make you do anything, and if social services are told you can help, you firmly tell them no too. We don't put care in if a family member can do it, but we do if they can't.

Are you from a culture that expects daughters to provide unpaid care to parents?

This set up isn't the norm in the uk.

If an adult requires 24/7 care they go into residential care.

Adult social services will provide services (means tested) and can't do anything to force you to care.

I do feel guilty in a way because of course it’ll all fall to brother if dad insists on no home/hospice/carers but that’s also not my problem

You're right it's not, and while I can see your brother might feel a bit sore about doing the lot that's his choice; if he doesn't want to do it then he'll just have to force the "outside carers" issue

Frankly I lost all sympathy with the "that's why people have children" remark.
I suspect what they really meant is "that's why people hope for daughters", but anyway their expectations place no obligation on you, especially when your time's already mostly taken up with caring

Are you from a culture that expects daughters to provide unpaid care to parents?

Edited to add I wondered this myself, but it makes little difference
Nobody can create time and if OP's is already fully accounted for that's it

Your dad can want what he wants you don't have to facilitate his needs. You have enough on your plate and whatever spare time you have for downtime is yours. No-one else should make demands on you. You are doing the right thing saying no from the start. Don't waiver, you will regret it. Care of parents can be emotionally and physically draining and time intensive, don't be bullied into it. Social services won't care, it's not their place to bully you into it either.