No matter how many times I say no, they still keep expecting it of me

[IDoCareButDontWantToBeTheirCarer]

Background: I am a single parent to a disabled child. My DD is almost 10, part time wheelchair user thanks for a genetic condition and also has general learning difficulties, speech and eye sight problems – she can walk and talk and see things but she struggles. She also has other conditions.

I love her with all my heart and will never not care for her but my life is full on with her. Between her admin, my own admin, keeping on top of the house and the disrupted nights I don’t have time for proper friends – all my friends are online ones who’re in a similar position so know I can’t meet up often.

I do not have the condition she has, it’s most likely one of those things. I have never had and never will have any other children apart from DD, because I am so tired by being her all. I often have to change plans at the drop of a hat and even when she’s at school/her dads I don’t get a proper break from caring for her – I do not mind this, as I said I will never not care for her, I chose to bring her into the world it is my duty therefore to take on the responsibility of caring for her. I receive carers allowance due to DD being on DLA (HRC and HRM for anyone who understands how it works – which is a lot for a 9-year-old so her needs really are very high when she’s bad). DD is also at a specialist school and has been since Year 1.

To the issue: One of my parents has recently been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and will need round the clock care in the coming years.

Parent has asked me and sibling to share the caring responsibilities. I have said no, I have enough on my plate with DD, and I cannot give anymore. The little time I do have is for me to rest so I can be the best parent and carer I can be to DD. I have stated that my preference is a care home/hospice type set up, I would visit but not provide care.

Parent has made it clear they are against either a care home or hospice type set up, they want to be in their own home and be cared for by their children. I have again said I will not be providing care and if sibling chooses to support parent, they will be providing the caring alone. I am happy to have a smaller share of the inheritance or even receive none at all (I literally don’t care) if parent feels it’s unfair for sibling to provide the care with no gain over me.

Sibling and parent have both said I am disgusting; I should want to care for my parent until the end and that’s the reason parents have children. Apparently, that’s why you have children. They have also said DD doesn’t need me 24/7 given she goes to school and her dads, so I can commit to at least 1 or 2 days a week caring as it’s my responsibility and duty to care for my parent. Sibling says they’re in a similar set up to me – they have a wife and 2 DC – and they manage to care for siblings ILs so I have time and I am using my DD as an excuse.

Parent said I could ask my other parent (different to siblings) to have DD for me so I can provide care and take the burden off sibling or I could ask ExH or his parents to have DD more so I can provide for my parent – but I can’t ExH already provides more care that he’s comfortable with and Ex-PILs have jobs and other commitments. Apparently when Adult Social Services become involved they are telling them exactly this, that I do have time and can commit I just don’t want to because I couldn’t be responsible if it kicked me in the face and I will be made to live up to my responsibilities.

I really don’t have time, DD is with her dad now until tomorrow (inset day for school so she’ll spend the day with her dad to give me a proper rest), and I’ve already been down to his house twice since she went yesterday to drop off various things and to hug her because her dad just cannot provide the same level of comfort she needs. But my sibling thinks I am just giving in to DD and that she should have to learn to cope without me occasionally.

Am I going to be forced to care for my parent when DD is at school because they say I have to? I really cannot cope with it.

For context I live within 10 minutes drive of parent (because I am also within 10 minutes of ExH which is why I can drop everything when he asks me to) and sibling is 40 minutes’ drive so I can see how I may end up being expected to but I literally can’t. This post has taken me most of the day to write due to other things I have to do.

This^
if you really feel you can add:”I love you Dad but I can’t be your carer as I’m full time carer for DD already”.
Remind them that DD is minor and you have legal responsibility to look after her, you are officially her full time carer. Your Dad is not your legal responsibility. He has assets and there is NHS system so he can get help from there using his assets if needed.
Your Dad is very selfish. I’m sorry that he is unwell but he can’t even imagine what it is to care for a child with high level of needs especially when you are a single parent. I bet he didn’t care for anyone full time because people who’ve done it ime never wish it to their children, they know what huge burden mentally and physically it is.

As to your brother… isn’t he a charmer? You are giving in to 9 y.o. child with very complex needs!!!!!! Tell him to f* off. He wants to pressure you as you are female and live in 10 minutes from Dad. I bet when he realizes that you are not doing this he will quickly encourage your Dad to get carers in.

I would send a short polite email to Social services that Dad passed you their message that you could provide care to him in his home but unfortunately it’s not an option. They probably unaware but your daughter is disabled, has high level of needs, you are her full time carer and a single parent on top of this so you can not commit to caring responsibilities for your Dad.
With best wishes, IDoCareBut.
Something like this. Put it in writing.

Well done, I'm so proud of you for knowing your limitations and sticking by them. I'm glad you said no. Don't ever change your mind. Your daughter comes first and she is more important than your dad. Of course your dad would prefer to have his kids take care of him, but he is best off in a home/hospice. He would be very safe and not in pain, the staff are fantastic and are able to give medicines. I would stick to what you've said. I have the horrible feeling your brother would volunteer to do half the care, but would cancel alot. Leaving you to do everything. You cannot afford to make yourself ill and not be available for your child, she comes first. You are most sensible to have ignored their emotional manipulation. Stick to it. All the best my lovely.

Apparently when Adult Social Services become involved they are telling them exactly this, that I do have time and can commit I just don’t want to because I couldn’t be responsible if it kicked me in the face and I will be made to live up to my responsibilities.

I promise you that Adult Social Services did not say this and will not say this.

Do what is best for you and for your daughter.

Apparently when Adult Social Services become involved they are telling them exactly this, that I do have time and can commit I just don’t want to because I couldn’t be responsible if it kicked me in the face and I will be made to live up to my responsibilities

Let them tell social services what they like. You cannot be made to take on caring responsibilities. You simply tell social services what you have said here - you are a carer for your disabled child and therefore cannot take on any caring responsibilities for your dad.
That's it.

I can't get over how selfish your dad is being. Neither of my parents were like that and I am so grateful I had them as long as I did.

It's all very well people saying they don't want care home and hospice care, who would want to go into one of those places, but sometimes it's the only option to avoid putting a massive burden on family members who might not be capable of taking on that care for whatever reason. Especially if it's going to be 24 hour care which is needed.

You have to stick to your guns here. Just keep repeating that you are not able to take on any caring responsibilities. I wouldn't even bother adding an explanation as to why. Just keep saying "As I've said, I am not able to take on any caring responsibilities so you'll have to make other arrangements". No matter what they throw at you, keep repeating the same thing. Do not get into any discussion. They are being completely unreasonable. You've already explained why you can't, they wouldn't accept that so that's it. There is no further need to explain, just keep saying no.

@sprigatito we'll have to agree to disagree.

My advice to op still stands, social services will seek to find care/support within the individuals network first, they are trained to do so and have statutory guidance and legal precedent that backs that up, but a response that the op is unable to do so due to existing caring commitments would stop them asking. It may well be that the brother is playing up that angle to guilt the OP. It can also come about if someone is asking for support that social services don't offer, ie 'we don't do that, you'd need family/friends to help with that ' as what adult services offer is usually fairly narrow (eg visits to be washed/dressed/fed) unless someone is commissioning their own care via a personal budget.

Your daughter comes first for care, and you have no capacity to provide anything for your father. To me a child has to come first by virtue of being just that - a child! And it’s amazing grown adults can’t grasp that - not uncommon though in these circumstances.
I saw a suggestion you could offer an hour or so - and I’m posting mainly to say no, just no, if you offer a minute it would turn to hours and loads of stress. This means no to family and no to social care. You might feel you are being harsh but you’re really not - you can’t kill yourself off over it (and it would), and honestly carers are trained to provide care that you are not. Keep your relationship with your father as a daughter, not his carer - though I guess that may have difficulty.
I recommend getting this on record at social care, as it’s possible your father, or brother, are intimating to them that you will be able to help. Social will also grasp any straw, any minute, to reduce their input - they will leave you to it 24/7 if they possibly can.
Social are badly resourced and this is why they will take more than families can really provide. To be fair to your father I expect he’s scared- also men seem to dislike carers more than women in general, maybe pride or something, so that may be part of it. Your brother just doesn’t want to do the caring does he - and that’s fine too, but for him to resolve not you.
Stay firm for your daughter and for you - and your father/brother even as you would all end up in a huge mess all round if you tried to take more care on.

Oh but they do. They lean hard. I had one social worker berating me for not stepping up to care for my husband's mother. I had to point out that she wasn't my mother (I had already done it for my mother anyway) and that it was down to DH and his siblings to arrange things, not me. Besides, I work (cue astonishment from social worker that I wasn't going to sacrifice my job).

Your dad doesn’t care about you does he? If he cared about you, he’d be concerned about your current situation and trying to make your life easier…you know, like a parent should. So why would you feel obligated? Think about all the care you give to your DD and compare that with how your dad treats you.

Also, even if you had no children and no commitments, you are still not obliged to care for your dad. You don’t need the money from the sale of the house. Is your brother putting pressure on you because he thinks he’ll either have to do all the caring himself or lose his inheritance? I think I’d minimise contact with both of them. You’ve got all the power here….they need you and you don’t need them.

Apparently when Adult Social Services become involved they are telling them exactly this, that I do have time and can commit I just don’t want to because I couldn’t be responsible if it kicked me in the face and I will be made to live up to my responsibilities.

Call their bluff, get in touch with adult social care yourself now and state exactly what your position is and what the situation is and ask them to assess.

They can’t force you to do anything, but you could take control of the social services conversation up front.

I don't think the OP should approach social services at all. She should keep her powder dry until they contact her. At that point she explains she is a lone parent with a young disabled child and cannot provide any care whatsoever, as she is already a full-time carer for someone else. SS will understand that immediately and cross her off their list.

In the meantime, if the brother and father keep badgering, maybe change the "No" to "I can't".

Why am I not surprised it’s your dad and brother? No is your answer. No, no and no, you could try and visit when social services are there or phone his contact and say they may be misleading you as to my dds care needs- she gets <the hca and thing you said> and I will never not be caring for her. I won’t be able to help my dad (of course social services will say you should help since your dad has told them your dd doesn’t need much care!! So set them right)
If you need to add anything it’s ’how much care did you do for your parents?’ And ‘hearing you loud and clear, I’m so lucky I’m not disabled as you’d never have looked after me.’

SS can’t force you. Just say no and be immovable. Refuse to discuss care provisions. Write to ss saying that you cannot provide care for parent as you already are the main carer of a child with complex needs and disability.

Sometimes it helps to put things in writing… I would write them a comprehensive factual list of everything you actually do in a week.
As they clearly have no clue!

Clearly they have no idea of your daughters needs which tells me that they've not been giving you much help over the last ten years. Sleep easy op, when you wake, tell them to fuck off, they can reap what they've sown

Adult Social Care have to assess "blind", i.e. establish needs as though there is absolutely no other person involved. The support planning happens after this. It does take into account existing/potential support from family, friends or community groups/third sector, prior to looking at professional carers, as well as planning for contingencies, but should never place you under duress. You have been absolutely clear that you are unable to take on any care, you don't have to justify yourself to your family or any professionals.
Your parent may understandably be terrified, and seeking the security of their daughter being by their side, but you are a mother, and need to remain well to care for yourself and your little girl.

Bottom line is that if you take this on you will end up letting your dad down because you DO NOT HAVE TIME. Far, far better for everybody to be clear from the start, so better arrangements can be made.

This. You don't want to create the mistaken impression that you aren't coping with caring for your child. As dodo says, they can come to you, and you can thank them for the call, before declining.

@IDoCareButDontWantToBeTheirCarer No one on this earth can force you to look after your parent, least not your brother, who, by all accounts spends his time looking after his inlaws!! you have enough on your plate, being the virtual sole carer for your dc. they can all go and take a running jump. you do not have time to have a burn out!!

No, that is not what the law says.

@IDoCareButDontWantToBeTheirCarer

Your dad is incredibly selfish and self centred, and both he and your brother are being totally unrealistic.

Even if you were willing to do it, round the clock care would be too much and be impossible for just two people. (When are you supposed to eat/sleep/work/ spend time with your family etc etc?)

When our three children were very young, my father in law had a massive stroke and it very quickly became apparent that he would need full time care. We were advised by the nursing staff, not to take it on ourselves, as it would drive us into an early grave. They were right.

Hold firm on not looking after your parent. Your child takes all of your efforts and time. Don't negotiate or appease your sibling or parent. If you took on caring for both even if it was only part time for your parent it would affect your health and consequently your child's welfare. Don't even respond to the constant conversations or requests or brow beating you may receive for not doing this. In other words do not give it an audience. Your welfare and health has a direct impact on your child so do what you must to protect the well being of your child.

Your DDad and DB are bullies.

They probably think you should take the lion's share of the care for DDad because you are a woman.

They clearly don't care about what's best for you or DD so don't feel bad about not giving in to them.

They cannot in any way force you to do it. Their threats are empty.

Your DDad is being incredibly selfish in refusing outside care.

Just keep saying no, OP. I'd be tempted to go low or NC for a while, if they continue being so nasty to you.

Hell no OP.

I am in a similar lifestyle to you and I am burnt out 100% of the time.

My breaks aren't true breaks. And my mental health struggles a lot at times. More than I like to admit.

Your brother isn't even CLOSE to having the same situation as you. Him and your Dad are ridiculous.

Keep saying no. You don't need to give reasons or excuses. No one can force you to care for an adult relative.

Just say no and do not give an inch.

"I do feel guilty in a way because of course it’ll all fall to brother if dad insists on no home/hospice/carers but that’s also not my problem."

Please do not feel guilty. Your father is creating the problem. Your brother can also choose what he feels able to do. This would be the same if you lived abroad or the other end of the country, if you had a disabled child or husband or a disability yourself, or indeed any other reason that meant you could not be a full time carer for your dad. Just say no, and then leave it.

Your brother needs to make his own choices. you are all adults, except your daughter who is a child, and she takes priority here.