So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 3

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

Carrying on from our first two threads..
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4967638-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-2

Checking in, thanks

Just checking in.

Checking in as well.

Me too

Joining you - thanks for proactively setting up the new thread.

👋🏻 here too thank you

Joining you as feeling rather shell shocked to discover that I am in the same boat & very grateful to find this incredibly supportive thread. Thank you.

I think im about to go through similar with my 88 year old DM. Very bad physically , bad mobility issues yet wont have a stairlift put in , cant hear yet refuses to even countenance a hearing aid. Cant get in and out of the bath yet doesnt want to explore changes to the bathroom (its too small and there is a wall between the toilet and the rest of the bathroom) Back in the 80s my dad (builder) wanted to knock the wall down between the toilet and the bathroom, DM objected with the "what if someone wants to go to the loo while someone is in the bath"
Forty years later she has physical problems and limited mobility and there is no turning circle for a hoist because the bathroom is too small Sits there crying in pain but refuses to go to see a doctor. Appointments have been booked but then she cancels at the last minute because she doesnt want to go. She walks downstairs backwards really slowly. Awful to watch. Asked me at Christmas to book a mobile hairdresser for a haircut in the spring then changed her mind again. Broke her hip in Sept 2022 and ended up in hospital but even that didnt change anything.

Poor lady! So much pain and difficulty, yet so afraid to do anything that would help!

@JenniferBooth I feel for you I really do!

my Mother in law is of a similar mind set, but we did finally get her to have a hearing test 2 weeks ago. The chap told her she have had hearing aids decades ago!! She still came out of they saying she heard everything single noise in the test booth... she just wasn't quick enough with the button 🙄.

Although we've had that success (still don't know if she'll wear the aids though), all the other things remain unchanged. But like your mum, she's an adult so there is very little we can do it she says no, which she did often.

Thank you so much for this thread @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew , it's keeping me same in a mad world.

Hi everyone just checking in to the new thread

Me too - get it up to the top to direct people from bloody exhausted no.2

I dipped into the first thread, I think.

My DF is in a care home. He nearly died from a perforated bowel almost exactly two years ago and to be honest I think it would have been kinder if he had gone then. He's got a catalogue of health conditions and can't move, speak, toilet himself, see or feed himself, and can only manage liquids now.

DM was delighted when he pulled through then. I was quietly horrified thinking we were going to have to go through it all again at some point.

I'm going to see him tomorrow and it's grim. He will grunt at me when I go in but it's not clear if he recognises me or not - to be honest I don't think he has for about 18 months. Then he just falls asleep. Sometimes he shouts as if in distress which is horrible.

A few months ago DM agreed with the home that he could get woken up early to get breakfast. We were all meant to be pleased when he put on weight but I really wish he'd die - he'd spent years telling us that he didn't want to end up being kept alive in a home.

I do worry how my mum is going to react when he does die - she keeps maintaining he can do far more stuff than he actually can, like communicate clearly with her and he had a home visit where he ate cake apparently.

We're also going on holiday soon and there's always this fear that he'll get really ill (well, more ill) or die before we get on the plane.

@AllEars112232 Its constantly having to repeat myself. It gets very wearing.

@HoraceGoesBonkers YES Being scared to plan anything in case something happens.

Oh that’s a bit of a realisation - yes I’ve been scared to plan anything for a couple of years 😞

Very confused today, DF thinks he is back in hospital and we’ve had the carer and nurses on the phone but cannot just drop everything as have a poorly DC too.

@HoraceGoesBonkers My step father was also unrealistic about my mothers’s capabilities when she was in the final stages of Alzheimer’s. He kept speculating about whether she’d talk to us when she’d been non verbal for over a year and insisted on leaving a photo album at the home so she could show it to other residents.
I was always on a knife edge and anticipating a crisis when we went on holiday so it was never a relaxing break.

Hello, thanks for the thread. It's good to have somewhere that gets it.

Despite not having a close relationship with my Mum I feel incredibly sad now she’s died and I think part of the sadness is that any hope of us having a different kind of relationship has gone.
I’ve single handedly organised what I hope is a poignant and meaningful funeral. This hasn’t been easy as I’ve never had to do anything like this before. Mum had actually wanted a direct cremation but my step father insisted on a formal funeral but then left me to sort it all out. There’s only going to be between 3-5 of us there which makes things feel even worse. Mum was close to extended family members who live overseas and and made the effort to attend funerals but sadly they don’t feel the need to reciprocate. Only one of them
has contacted me and the others have simply written a couple of lines on Facebook. It’s really made me feel that they clearly feel I either don’t need or am not worthy of support.

I'm very sad on your behalf, @AgitatedGoose
That sounds very difficult emotionally.

Sorry to hear you're all having a difficult time. We're mainly worrying from a distance so less of the direct practical stuff but interesting to read how other elderly spouses haven't been able or willing to recognize their partners deterioration. . My elderly relative would say things like 'i asked Brian if we should do x and he said no so we won't'. When ' Brian' at the time was very much living in the moment and might possibly on a good day have been able to choose between tea or orange juice. But definitely had no capacity to understand or discuss any abstract or future concepts. But could probably understand that he was being asked a question and so had said yes or no at random which was then being used as a decision for the couple. Probably due to decades of him being the decision maker of the household and liking to be in control.
Also have a relative who has and needs hearing aids but won't wear them.

@AgitatedGoose I'm so sorry, sometimes people just don't think do they, they have probably seen you as very capable but being capable doesn't mean you don't need someone to support you sometimes. Are you able to reach out and say how you feel?

I've had zero response when I've mentioned how stressful the last few years have been. I really don't know what to say to family members anymore other than to tell them why I'll be distancing myself from them in the future.

To be honest @AgitatedGoose I hope the funeral is soon? It can be awful in the buildup but so far I've always felt better afterwards. I hope it has some meaning for you.

And I also wondered if you have been in touch with Cruse. They were good after dh died for me.

To be honest @AgitatedGoose I hope the funeral is soon? It can be awful in the buildup but so far I've always felt better afterwards. I hope it has some meaning for you.

And I also wondered if you have been in touch with Cruse. They were good after dh died for me.

@PermanentTemporary Mum’s funeral
is in two weeks time. I haven’t contacted Cruise but I can access counselling via work so am thinking of doing this.