No matter how many times I say no, they still keep expecting it of me

[IDoCareButDontWantToBeTheirCarer]

Background: I am a single parent to a disabled child. My DD is almost 10, part time wheelchair user thanks for a genetic condition and also has general learning difficulties, speech and eye sight problems – she can walk and talk and see things but she struggles. She also has other conditions.

I love her with all my heart and will never not care for her but my life is full on with her. Between her admin, my own admin, keeping on top of the house and the disrupted nights I don’t have time for proper friends – all my friends are online ones who’re in a similar position so know I can’t meet up often.

I do not have the condition she has, it’s most likely one of those things. I have never had and never will have any other children apart from DD, because I am so tired by being her all. I often have to change plans at the drop of a hat and even when she’s at school/her dads I don’t get a proper break from caring for her – I do not mind this, as I said I will never not care for her, I chose to bring her into the world it is my duty therefore to take on the responsibility of caring for her. I receive carers allowance due to DD being on DLA (HRC and HRM for anyone who understands how it works – which is a lot for a 9-year-old so her needs really are very high when she’s bad). DD is also at a specialist school and has been since Year 1.

To the issue: One of my parents has recently been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and will need round the clock care in the coming years.

Parent has asked me and sibling to share the caring responsibilities. I have said no, I have enough on my plate with DD, and I cannot give anymore. The little time I do have is for me to rest so I can be the best parent and carer I can be to DD. I have stated that my preference is a care home/hospice type set up, I would visit but not provide care.

Parent has made it clear they are against either a care home or hospice type set up, they want to be in their own home and be cared for by their children. I have again said I will not be providing care and if sibling chooses to support parent, they will be providing the caring alone. I am happy to have a smaller share of the inheritance or even receive none at all (I literally don’t care) if parent feels it’s unfair for sibling to provide the care with no gain over me.

Sibling and parent have both said I am disgusting; I should want to care for my parent until the end and that’s the reason parents have children. Apparently, that’s why you have children. They have also said DD doesn’t need me 24/7 given she goes to school and her dads, so I can commit to at least 1 or 2 days a week caring as it’s my responsibility and duty to care for my parent. Sibling says they’re in a similar set up to me – they have a wife and 2 DC – and they manage to care for siblings ILs so I have time and I am using my DD as an excuse.

Parent said I could ask my other parent (different to siblings) to have DD for me so I can provide care and take the burden off sibling or I could ask ExH or his parents to have DD more so I can provide for my parent – but I can’t ExH already provides more care that he’s comfortable with and Ex-PILs have jobs and other commitments. Apparently when Adult Social Services become involved they are telling them exactly this, that I do have time and can commit I just don’t want to because I couldn’t be responsible if it kicked me in the face and I will be made to live up to my responsibilities.

I really don’t have time, DD is with her dad now until tomorrow (inset day for school so she’ll spend the day with her dad to give me a proper rest), and I’ve already been down to his house twice since she went yesterday to drop off various things and to hug her because her dad just cannot provide the same level of comfort she needs. But my sibling thinks I am just giving in to DD and that she should have to learn to cope without me occasionally.

Am I going to be forced to care for my parent when DD is at school because they say I have to? I really cannot cope with it.

For context I live within 10 minutes drive of parent (because I am also within 10 minutes of ExH which is why I can drop everything when he asks me to) and sibling is 40 minutes’ drive so I can see how I may end up being expected to but I literally can’t. This post has taken me most of the day to write due to other things I have to do.

Thank you everyone, sorry for the lack of response I went for a sleep, I did need it.

ExH
won't provide more care than he does, getting him to provide what he does was a
battle in itself and i had to negotiate less Child Maintenance than the
recommended amount to get it.

I
am hoping as DD gets older it’ll be easier, but so far that’s not looking
likely.

I do feel guilty in a way because of course it’ll all fall to brother if dad insists on no home/hospice/carers but that’s also not my problem.

They cannot "make" you do this nor will social services compel you to do it.
Your parent should understand & respect your commitment to your child.
Stand firm. You are doing the right thing for your own family

"so it's not like it was in the 50s, 60s or 70s when a married woman didn't 'work' and had time to care for older relatives"

Working class women have always worked. And often been stuck with all the caring responsibilities on top.

Even if OP had all the time in the world, it's her time and not for her father and brother to direct as they see fit. Too many people think that women's time is up for grabs!

Stay strong OP - a loving parent would not want this for you, they wouldn't be putting all this pressure on you and ignoring the needs of your child, who really does need you to care for them.
I'd bet good money that your brother, who is all mouth now, will not be doing all this personal care down the line, when things get really hard. I suspect his job/wife/kids will soon put a stop to it.
Your dad needs professional carers who can properly commit to set hours and who dont also have high needs children.

They are being ridiculously unreasonable. You sound like a brilliant mum. Keep saying no and take care of yourself. Your daughter needs you.

Sibling and parent have both said I am disgusting; I should want to care for my parent until the end and that’s the reason parents have children. Apparently, that’s why you have children

Someone's disgusting here but it's not you. There's no 'should' about it; they don't get to dictate what you want to do.

Please keep saying no, I’m guessing it’s because your brother is male that he thinks caring is a female role.
You have enough on your plate with your dc, they can just fuck off!

“that’s the reason parents have children”

Well that’s revealing isn’t it! If it was true. Which it isn’t. I don’t believe for a minute that your parents or any other couples have children so that they have carers in their old age. (And if they did, their selfish motivations are not your fault). Stand firm. You have too much going on with your daughter to pick up caring responsibilities for your parent as well.

The fact they are asking this if you shows there’s no sense trying to rationalise. Just repeatedly say “I would absolutely love to help but I’m sure you can appreciate I’m already a fully time carer”… then repeat until they stop asking.

Your Dd is your responsibility. Looking after yourself so you can care for her is your responsibility.
Please look at local carers type groups for moral support.

I have a feeling their priority here is to keep money in the bank instead of it being spent on care. Your priority is you and your daughters health, it's not possible to take on more (and escalating) care and you're right to stick to that.

Op - social services will pressure family to care; please understand this isn't because they are evil it is because the law (that adult social care falls under) states that care is the responsibility of family and that the state should only step in as a last resort.

However, any social worker would accept that you're not able to provide care because you're a full time carer to a child with a significant disability. I would ask for the social workers details and call them to explain the situation and follow it up by email so it's in writing. They'll quickly write you out of any care plan. It will be that care will fall to your brother but ONLY if he accepts it, he can refuse himself. Your dad can refuse to accept care from the state and can refuse by refusing to pay for it, given it's means tested. Neither of those are your responsibility though - in an ideal world adult children help, but you can't. There are many people in situations much less stressful than yours who can't/don't (the most obvious being when there's geographical distance)

I am absolutely astonished at your parents selfishness. You have enough on your plate. Keep saying no. Id be furious.

So he expects round the clock care 7days a week from his 2 offspring - utterly ridiculous - unless they lived with him,had no other responsibilities and didn’t work -oh and were happy to devote their life to this selfish man.

OP I don’t have any of the caring responsibilities you have for your DD and I would not provide care for an elderly parent, I’m not a carer and I just would not want to do it and that’s that, they cannot make you or require it if you.

FWIW I’ve let my parents know that I think people who say they don’t want to go into a care home or have carers when they’re needed are extremely selfish for putting their families in that position.

It doesn't matter why you can't/won't care for your parent. In fact, every time you explain why it's not possible just gives them something to argue against. So don't try to reason with them or justify your decision, just say no. Nobody can force you to provide care.

I'm sorry your DD requires so much from you. I think encouraging her father to be more capable would be good for all of you.

Well he’s out of luck. You sound amazing @AGlinnerOfHope, your dad sounds awful. I can’t think of anything worse than trying to make my ds be my carer.

This is untrue. Nobody is legally responsible for caring for an elderly parent. At all.

primecarers.co.uk/elderly-care/legal/am-i-legally-responsible-for-my-elderly-parent

Your brother can say No too.

Of course dad and brother want the woman to be the default carer.

So bloody predictable.

You focus on your child OP.

You dint need to explain @IDoCareButDontWantToBeTheirCarer
You dint need to more to us or to them why you can’t take on that carer role.

Yes it’s sad if that’s not what your dad wanted.
But of you can’t, you can’t.

Fwiw it seems that they’ve decided you have loads of time. Neither of them seem to have any idea of how much work is involved in caring for your dd. I suspect neither of them have accepted the level of disability she has.
So I dint think there is any point wasting your time explaining. They won’t get it. They won’t suddenly become rational about it.

Id just tell them ‘I’m sorry but this is not something I can do’.
’Yes I understand dad would I refer to be cared by his dcs, but I cannot do that’.
etc…

As fur brother, it’s not your fault if he is doing all the care work for your dad. He has his own agency and can indeed say NO too. (And might well do so in the future when reality hits).
He is choosing to care for his dad. That’s great. That’s nothing to do with you.

@sprigatito I could have worded my post better, but in eng and Wales the principles that underpin family law are that family care for family and the state should only step in if absolutely necessary. There is an expectation on family and an expectation that social services explore that first. And of course that is added to by budget issues, care from family is cheaper and usually better (eg family will be more flexible/responsive than paid carers)

This has disgusted me reading this. Who in their right mind would expect their own child to care for them - like not a choice but an outright expectation and demand, and when they have their own disabled child. And you can’t have any down time or time to rest yourself! That’s just not even a serious proposal.
If it’s so easy I’d tell your brother I’m sure he won’t have a problem doing half the week while your dad has carers the other half. I don’t expect for one second he will do that so why is he moaning about you? And no SS can’t make anyone!

It may be a common presumption but that's all it is. It has no legal validity at all, and no social worker should be leaning on anyone to provide care when it isn't their responsibility to do so.

Say no. It isn't your responsibility. For those who want to, that's lovely but you do not want to and you do not have to so please carry on saying no.

Stuck to your guns. Gradually you'll get lumbered with the lions share and totally burn out.

Or say ' sure, we'll have a week on and week off, I'll do parents and you can take the bairn while I do '.

Stick to saying no. You've been wise doing that from the off. Brothers end up taking the piss with your time ime.